LadyPact
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
It's all a matter of what we're both comfortable with, then a tiny step, a re-evaluation, and then one more step forward. I don't hide anything from him.
So, we're both comfortable and strong in our relationship and commitment to each other. Boys I have on the side - playing on the phone, email, internet, webcam, it's all good. It has not damaged anything. If anything, it's enhanced things - I am more ravenous, hornier, and I get my more ...odd urges out of my system, instead of laying it all on him.
With real life encounters, which is the newest territory for us, it's the same - slow, careful, with a lot of communication. He is most comfortable with me with other men if I have friends around, which is not hard, but it means that when I travel, I have to bring a travel companion, and the costs go up. We have worked toward a great compromise though with a very clear understanding, right down to the intimate "line items" (no sexual intercourse; hair pulling ok. No oral sex; whipping.flobbing, cbt ok; no cuddling and spooning; strap on ok) The common theme is a separation - no romance, clearly. Intimacy, yes. Sexual intercourse, no. The jury is still out on kissing, which we tend to revisit now and then. I can do without it, but it's very much part of my style of domination.
So - I have no complaints. I think a strong primary relationship is absolutely the most important part. If you have damage or problems in your primary relationship, it's not the time to start experimenting with an open relationship. It's also a matter of timing. What I do, and am planning to do, now vs. years ago are vastly different. It would have been too hard early in our relationship and not appropriate.
Akasha
I did cut out some of the original quote, but I wanted to keep the parts that I would have said Myself. Personally, I think a lot of the above is a very good way to approach playing with others outside of the primary relationship. That goes for whether it's D/s or vanilla. I do much better with an understood agreement, which we call our "House Rules," rather than the "I'm the Dominant and I'll do what I want" mindset.
With that said, I'll explain how it works for Me. I have three different situations that I'm involved in that might help to shed some light on how I view the original question.
I am married to a man who is not involved in a D/s dynamic with Me. I can't exactly call him vanilla either. If anything, we are a D/D couple and have chosen poly as a way for each of us to fill that particular part of our lives. We have a specific list of house rules that apply in all situations. Those are things that we see as deal breakers because they would adversely affect the primary relationship. This wasn't exactly something we decided to do on a whim. We had long talks about what was acceptable between us when dealing with other people. We've gone into this in great detail. It includes the difference between submissives and play bottoms. We also know how we feel about the line items, such as were mentioned above.
One thing that I want to point out here is that when I'm referring to play, I'm not talking about physical sex. It has more to do with having My sadistic desires filled, not My physical ones. In that area, it's been agreed that I can play with just about anyone that I want to. It's preferred that the primary partner have the opportunity to meet and talk with whoever that play partner is, but circumstances aren't particularly allowing that at the moment. I go to great care to respect the agreements that we've made.
The second situation is My collared submissive. Before he was collared, it was made very clear to him that I would play (remember My definition above) with others. That's how I was when he met Me, and that wasn't going to change. I'm in this for the fact that I like playing. Because I understand that it is also his reason for being in this lifestyle, I don't have an issue with him playing with others, under certain conditions. He is always to remember that he is a collared submissive, and therefore the decision of who he plays with is Mine. That's usually not too difficult. If it's someone with a decent reputation and skill level, most times there's no issue. He's not anyone's crash test dummy or guinea pig. If the Top in question doesn't know what they're doing, there's no way it's going to happen. I'm a bit on the protective side in this area.
My third situation is a new one, where I now have a sub under consideration. Like My collared submissive clip, he knows that I play with others. Unlike clip, he hasn't quite gotten used to the idea just yet. He can understand it in some situations, I think, but is having trouble with others. This is something that we will be working on through the next few months. I'm sure there might be a bump or two in the road on this issue, since we come from much different views on the subject. At this time, he has no desire to play with anyone else, even though I have told him that I would permit it. We haven't gone into great detail on the idea of his playing with others for the very reason that it isn't something he wants to pursue at this time. Should his mind change on that in the future, I am more than willing to give him the same terms that I have given clip.
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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT
Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD
Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.
Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
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RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 
Profile
RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 
RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others - 
) no one makes anything for anyone else just what we make for our selves and the ones we are with. manipulators i call them of life and education into the relm chaos is never a good thing. they have all the wrong answers for what should be simple solutions. they over think everything make things mud.. It is that way in mental health therotical factors to make a assumtion. I just lookat it this way if for a certain period of time like 1000s of years people have done it this way and it works then there must be truth to it if 10 percent do it another way and it works then great for them but do not convenct the other 900 that your way is correct. for what may be good for one maybe not good for the whole vise versa When we as a populus try to push singular values on a culture with tried and true ways you will fail just as time before has proven. so my point is you want peace you want a great lifestyle experince stay away from the fashinable artest or icons find it in your self and your partner :)
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