RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others

RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (Full Version)

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DelightnDevotion -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 7:15:36 AM)
My Dom and I play with others together--meaning he doesn't play on his own with others and I don't play on my own with others. We play with other couples, single women and at swing parties/clubs. We met as swingers and agreed that we want to keep that part of our relationship. However, we only play sexually--no pain play, bondage, etc. with others. I realize that's a little "backwards" from how other couples who will do all kinds of non sexual play with others but reserve sex for their committed partner. For us, though, the trust involved in pain/bondage play is so intimate that we don't share that with others.

DommeChains -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 7:44:54 AM)
We have always played with others since the inception of our relationship. We do it together in either a swingers-kind of way or a kink way by co-topping. We also play solo with our respective subs. This is essential since my husband and I are both dominants. We are currently in a poly relationship with my boyfriend being the third. FYI the boyfriend is also dominant. I just have this thing about romantic ties to other dominants lol. Oh yeah, my husband has an emotionally inmate connection with another femdom. Guess we both have a thing for other dominants in a romantic sense lol. Our rules are pretty simple. We always inform each other prior to playing with others. We meet any new potentials subs as a couple so there is no misunderstandings about our status and so we can serve as a sounding board for each other to make sure we aren't headed into crazy time with any potentials. Have we met a few hiccups along the way? Sure, just like any other major area in a relationship we have had a few issues but we worked them out. We both realize that there is no way either one of us can possibly fulfill all the needs kink-wise or emotionally for each other. Our marriage is strong, it is our primary relationship but we still have room for others too. Both of us experienced issues in prior primary relationships by trying to keep those relationships exclusive. One last thing. Any potentials for either of us is informed from the beginning we are poly. We don't want someone petitioning either of us for a D/s or M/s connection with the idea that that connection is going to replace our marriage. We enjoy playing with others, watching each other play with others and, most of all, forging loving connections with others.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 7:58:35 AM)
this cool it is like liberal and conservite ds lol while this may be a melting pot of ideas and concepts there is one thing that is fact what you do with it right path is the one that will bring great joy the wrong one will cause much trouble in many peoples lives some people just walk around with blinders on nothing you can do to change those stuborn asses life has to give them a karma slap some find the truth deep in them selves the reality is one to one means more inside no one can ever know the human mind fully yep oh and mr wabbit i think it is wabbit season

LadyPact -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 11:24:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha It's all a matter of what we're both comfortable with, then a tiny step, a re-evaluation, and then one more step forward. I don't hide anything from him. So, we're both comfortable and strong in our relationship and commitment to each other. Boys I have on the side - playing on the phone, email, internet, webcam, it's all good. It has not damaged anything. If anything, it's enhanced things - I am more ravenous, hornier, and I get my more ...odd urges out of my system, instead of laying it all on him. With real life encounters, which is the newest territory for us, it's the same - slow, careful, with a lot of communication. He is most comfortable with me with other men if I have friends around, which is not hard, but it means that when I travel, I have to bring a travel companion, and the costs go up. We have worked toward a great compromise though with a very clear understanding, right down to the intimate "line items" (no sexual intercourse; hair pulling ok. No oral sex; whipping.flobbing, cbt ok; no cuddling and spooning; strap on ok) The common theme is a separation - no romance, clearly. Intimacy, yes. Sexual intercourse, no. The jury is still out on kissing, which we tend to revisit now and then. I can do without it, but it's very much part of my style of domination. So - I have no complaints. I think a strong primary relationship is absolutely the most important part. If you have damage or problems in your primary relationship, it's not the time to start experimenting with an open relationship. It's also a matter of timing. What I do, and am planning to do, now vs. years ago are vastly different. It would have been too hard early in our relationship and not appropriate. Akasha I did cut out some of the original quote, but I wanted to keep the parts that I would have said Myself. Personally, I think a lot of the above is a very good way to approach playing with others outside of the primary relationship. That goes for whether it's D/s or vanilla. I do much better with an understood agreement, which we call our "House Rules," rather than the "I'm the Dominant and I'll do what I want" mindset. With that said, I'll explain how it works for Me. I have three different situations that I'm involved in that might help to shed some light on how I view the original question. I am married to a man who is not involved in a D/s dynamic with Me. I can't exactly call him vanilla either. If anything, we are a D/D couple and have chosen poly as a way for each of us to fill that particular part of our lives. We have a specific list of house rules that apply in all situations. Those are things that we see as deal breakers because they would adversely affect the primary relationship. This wasn't exactly something we decided to do on a whim. We had long talks about what was acceptable between us when dealing with other people. We've gone into this in great detail. It includes the difference between submissives and play bottoms. We also know how we feel about the line items, such as were mentioned above. One thing that I want to point out here is that when I'm referring to play, I'm not talking about physical sex. It has more to do with having My sadistic desires filled, not My physical ones. In that area, it's been agreed that I can play with just about anyone that I want to. It's preferred that the primary partner have the opportunity to meet and talk with whoever that play partner is, but circumstances aren't particularly allowing that at the moment. I go to great care to respect the agreements that we've made. The second situation is My collared submissive. Before he was collared, it was made very clear to him that I would play (remember My definition above) with others. That's how I was when he met Me, and that wasn't going to change. I'm in this for the fact that I like playing. Because I understand that it is also his reason for being in this lifestyle, I don't have an issue with him playing with others, under certain conditions. He is always to remember that he is a collared submissive, and therefore the decision of who he plays with is Mine. That's usually not too difficult. If it's someone with a decent reputation and skill level, most times there's no issue. He's not anyone's crash test dummy or guinea pig. If the Top in question doesn't know what they're doing, there's no way it's going to happen. I'm a bit on the protective side in this area. My third situation is a new one, where I now have a sub under consideration. Like My collared submissive clip, he knows that I play with others. Unlike clip, he hasn't quite gotten used to the idea just yet. He can understand it in some situations, I think, but is having trouble with others. This is something that we will be working on through the next few months. I'm sure there might be a bump or two in the road on this issue, since we come from much different views on the subject. At this time, he has no desire to play with anyone else, even though I have told him that I would permit it. We haven't gone into great detail on the idea of his playing with others for the very reason that it isn't something he wants to pursue at this time. Should his mind change on that in the future, I am more than willing to give him the same terms that I have given clip.

DommeChains -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 2:04:57 PM)
I am not wanting to hijack the thread or engage in an on line "fight" with you. If, for you, the way to fulfillment and happiness is being in an exclusive one to one relationship then it's no skin off my nose. That dynamic is not the best choice for everyone. All I ask is a little tolerance and don't "preach" at me about your philosophies. The OP asked if and/or how committed couples handle playing outside the relationship. You contributed your thoughts now allow others to contribute theirs without being judgmental please.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 2:07:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 this is like saying it ok to cheat I don't know why I bother, but how is it 'cheating' if everyone is on the same page? If it is something I agree to, and the other people involved agree as well, that sounds like "fair" to me, not 'cheating'. Firestorm

goodpet -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 2:37:24 PM)
So many different people and different relationships... and ... different answers.. go figure... for us.. Master is a very popular Top in the area and plays with many people, both male and females. He has many play dates both at the club and at home in our dungeon, and I am sometimes involved, sometimes just help in the arrangements of the scheduling of them or set up and clean up. I enjoy being allowed to play with other also. Sometime it is arranged by Master, sometime by me. I am free to negotiate my own play dates but have to check with Sir for final approval. At the club, if he is not available then i can make my own decision since he trusts my judgment. Often i am asked by the club staff to play with a new Top who is learning some new techniques. If I have a heavy scene being negotiated, Sir will usually be in on those and watch the scene also. Sex is a more private. somewhat of the same rules or set up but we are both more private in our sexual play.

thetammyjo -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 5:48:54 PM)
For us, Fox has to ask my permission to play with anyone else and I very wisely ask his opinion about any new potential. I've learned to listen to his opinion because while he will not get jealous or such things, he can spot a problem person before I when I'm a bit star-struck at the thought of a new sub.

LadyIce -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 5:54:47 PM)
When I am in a serious and committed relationship, I am not sharing my mate. With the exception that, I might consider allowing him to "scene" with another Dominant woman, as long as I am sitting right there. If I am not there, it is not going to happen.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 6:09:48 PM)
My relationship is new. Just a couple months old. master has always been monogomous. I am bi and occasionally like to include a woman in a 3-some. Not a D's dynamic but swinger dynamic. He would allow this but only if I was the one being pleasured by her. I think the pleasure should be amongst everyone. If it happens, it happens. If it doesnt, I would never jepordize a relationship by going outside of it. I would want my partner there to enjoy. Me and another man in 3-some he would never allow. I am not allowed to play or have sex outside of the relationship.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/8/2008 7:30:24 PM)
you can not make a wrong a right that is the problem people are saying it is ok to be a certain way or act a certian way and it may not beok it is the standards by which we set for our selves that determind what kinda of person we are If i had a porche you think i would let everyone drive it and go it is ok ishare till the first person wrecked it same with open relationships takes one set of elements to ruin a relationship normaly happens when there is someone else or something else involed

VioletAshes -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 3:03:07 AM)
My Husband and I do not play outside of our relationship. I certainly would not rule it out in the future but at the moment we are happy exploring each other. It would have to be something that happened naturally and I do not think either of us would want it happening 'on the side'. I think we would feel more comfortable if we were both involved.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 3:40:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 you can not make a wrong a right that is the problem people are saying it is ok to be a certain way or act a certian way and it may not beok it is the standards by which we set for our selves that determind what kinda of person we are If i had a porche you think i would let everyone drive it and go it is ok ishare till the first person wrecked it same with open relationships takes one set of elements to ruin a relationship normaly happens when there is someone else or something else involed It might not work for me or you but it works for many. I personally am not comfortable with the emotional risks involved with an open relationship but Its not for me or you to judge others decisions or their risk assessments.

MmeGigs -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 4:28:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 you can not make a wrong a right that is the problem people are saying it is ok to be a certain way or act a certian way and it may not beok it is the standards by which we set for our selves that determind what kinda of person we are If i had a porche you think i would let everyone drive it and go it is ok ishare till the first person wrecked it same with open relationships takes one set of elements to ruin a relationship normaly happens when there is someone else or something else involed If I had a Porche, I wouldn't lend it out, either. A Porche can't say stop when it's had enough, can't tell the driver to slow down or take it easy or that they're breaking the rules that I set out for using it. My hubby can do all of those things and more, and I feel pretty comfortable lending him out. If an open relationship isn't right for you, then you shouldn't enter into one, but your personal limitations in this area don't define what's right and wrong for everyone else.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 6:11:30 AM)
only when your wrong intereferes with my right do we have a problem. conrflict of interest (draws a line in the sand and says cross it i dare ya lol [:D]) no one makes anything for anyone else just what we make for our selves and the ones we are with. manipulators i call them of life and education into the relm chaos is never a good thing. they have all the wrong answers for what should be simple solutions. they over think everything make things mud.. It is that way in mental health therotical factors to make a assumtion. I just lookat it this way if for a certain period of time like 1000s of years people have done it this way and it works then there must be truth to it if 10 percent do it another way and it works then great for them but do not convenct the other 900 that your way is correct. for what may be good for one maybe not good for the whole vise versa When we as a populus try to push singular values on a culture with tried and true ways you will fail just as time before has proven. so my point is you want peace you want a great lifestyle experince stay away from the fashinable artest or icons find it in your self and your partner :)

thetammyjo -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 6:31:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 only when your wrong intereferes with my right do we have a problem. conrflict of interest (draws a line in the sand and says cross it i dare ya lol [:D]) no one makes anything for anyone else just what we make for our selves and the ones we are with. manipulators i call them of life and education into the relm chaos is never a good thing. they have all the wrong answers for what should be simple solutions. they over think everything make things mud.. It is that way in mental health therotical factors to make a assumtion. I just lookat it this way if for a certain period of time like 1000s of years people have done it this way and it works then there must be truth to it if 10 percent do it another way and it works then great for them but do not convenct the other 900 that your way is correct. for what may be good for one maybe not good for the whole vise versa When we as a populus try to push singular values on a culture with tried and true ways you will fail just as time before has proven. so my point is you want peace you want a great lifestyle experince stay away from the fashinable artest or icons find it in your self and your partner :) How exactly does my being part of a poly household have any impact at all on you? We would never approach you because you are monogamous. That's just simply common sense. What has worked for 1000s of years? Monogamy? Has it? What evidence do you have of this? Are you unaware of the numerous cultures throughout time where multiple spouses (usually wives but not always) were very common? Are you aware that remarriage and divorce seem to date back to the earliest human records -- both of which by the way are not really monogamy but serial monogamy? Are you unaware of how many laws and records indicate that people having partners outside of marriage is also very common and often complained about usually because of lack of discretion not because of the external partners? Are you unaware of the number of divorces that have nothing to do with external partners but other factors such as finances or abuse or simply a desire to move on? Clearly this is a huge issue for you, Latexbaby, the question is why because you constantly hammer away at how immoral or unethical it is to folks who are proving by their very lives that is working just great for them. How exactly does what I do affect you?

BlackPhx -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 7:41:32 AM)
Master and I have an open relationship and we are looking for a 3rd to join us permanently. She will have to be someone who suits us both in several areas, from personality to kink and so we expect it to be a long search, especially since we are seeking someone who will live with us. He has played with me and another Sadist, and he has played with submissives after I have vetted them. I am not a submissive person and am in fact an Alpha female in all ways as well as being a sado-masochist. This leaves Master without the feed he needs for his dominant side and I accept that that needs to be fed in him, and that I am unable by nature to do it. Sadist to Masochist we have a wonderful dance, Dom ro Dom ain't working in the bedroom. Master is also very aware that when he is hungry to exercise his dominance, his psycho meter doesn't work so well. So. Guess who gets to vet, interview and approve of play mates and who will be there when he plays with them. Yep, got it in one..me. While my body will respond to a strong sadist in the way his responds to a submissive's pheromones (ever see a masochist lick her chops as she eyes a sadist with intent to devour all he can give?) I don't respond to submissives in the same way and can keep my head when his is focused on Pre-Dominating her or actually playing. Sex wise and this includes, fingering, fisting, oral, genital and just about anything else that swaps fluids or opens flesh to microscopic blood through abrasions or other methods is done under wraps and sterile. All implements are soaked in bleach or other antibacterials before and afterwards. If it ain't wrapped it ain't happening. There are just too many permanent and devestating STD's out there these days to risk our lives or theirs. As I am charged with careing for Masters implements..I am very diligent about it and him. poenkitten

BlackPhx -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 7:57:04 AM)
This may be your observation Latex and the conclusions you have drawn from it. Realize that anyone however can walk into a dealership and test drive a Porsche as long as they have a Drivers License. Test driving a human being is another story entirely. Most open relationships are not the Swinging Relationships of Swingtown or the Cheating of Desperate Housewives. They are from my experience and observation, carefully crafted explorations of emotions and sexual needs with all persons involved getting something from it. No one person can be all things to another. They can be the primary and the majority of what they need but each person ultimately decides if that is enough. Sometimes it is not. There are things that no matter how much I would like to do them for my Master would destroy me emotionally, mentally or physically and vice versa for him. He cannot submit to my need to use another sadistically or to be dominant..I cannot be submissive to him..BUT, we love each other very much and offer each other the majority of the things we each need to be happy. this however is a part of our life as well..Sexuality that is and to answer those needs we do look outside for a 3rd partner. Becasue we are open and do this with each other involved, it will not destroy our marriage and at the first sign that it is in trouble..well we will seek help and answers to heal it at that time. Cheating is hiding what you are doing. Swinging is involving others without emotional ties. Poly is blending and accepting that you can love more than one person and be a family. poenkitten knowing that no ones mind is ever changed by discussion, only by experience.

hereyesruponyou -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 2:15:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 only when your wrong intereferes with my right do we have a problem. conrflict of interest (draws a line in the sand and says cross it i dare ya lol [:D]) no one makes anything for anyone else just what we make for our selves and the ones we are with. Huh? What line are you drawing here and how do i cross it? I can tell you i would want to get within 10 yards of you much less let you into my bedroom. Nor would i ever want to be in yours or even really know what you do there, other than argue and try to start trouble. Somehow i feel it would be different if your comments actually made sense... Cheating implies hiding something from someone else. It involves deception by its very nature. If my partner and i play with others together it can not be cheating, kinda hard to hide what you are doing when you're in the same room

goodpet -> RE: Committed D/s relationships and playing with others (9/9/2008 4:53:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 .... I just look at it this way if for a certain period of time like 1000s of years people have done it this way and it works then there must be truth to it if 10 percent do it another way and it works then great for them but do not convenct the other 900 that your way is correct. ...... .... When we as a populus try to push singular values on a culture with tried and true ways you will fail just as time before has proven. .... :) .... What has worked for 1000s of years? Monogamy? Has it? What evidence do you have of this? Are you unaware of the numerous cultures throughout time where multiple spouses (usually wives but not always) were very common? Are you aware that remarriage and divorce seem to date back to the earliest human records -- both of which by the way are not really monogamy but serial monogamy? Are you unaware of how many laws and records indicate that people having partners outside of marriage is also very common and often complained about usually because of lack of discretion not because of the external partners? Are you unaware of the number of divorces that have nothing to do with external partners but other factors such as finances or abuse or simply a desire to move on? them. How exactly does what I do affect you? Tammy Jo Thank you.. i was wondering the same thing.. what is she talking about.. marriage? Monogamy? that does not seem to be the norm of the world nor of time, past history or even recent history. Don't get me wrong. i am all for marrige and if monogamy works for your relationship then that is fine, but it is not the end all answer to relationships. never has been.

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