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We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 9:37:04 AM

trainedobedients

Posts: 56
Joined: 1/30/2006
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

When Master and i were so called dating he was more sensitive, kinder and less cold hearted. Now we are married and I see a completely different person, less likeable one, unsensitive, cold hearted and downright abusive. He used to compliment me, make me feel good now it seems he get's out of his way to insult me, disregard my feelings unless he wants to use me.

I gave up my country, my job everything for him and what I got back is not what is promissed to me. It also takes away from my submissiveness in order for me to survive in this relationship I need to get bitchy, hide my true feelings, be less submissive that is not what I need, what I thought I would have.

I hear you say talk to him but that is impossible. It is first the television on as loud as possible and his refusal to talk, again except when he wants to use me. Or the television sound is turned down but on, he talks to me but his eyes are on the tv. It makes me feel insignificant, not important, at least less than the rerun of Monk.

Were my expectations unrealistic and to high or is he just an ...........

_____________________________

Play safe and sound,
trainedobedients
slave of Master JohnnyV

Post #: 1

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 9:40:15 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

geez...i am so sorry.
Perhaps the first thing you need to do is get away from him and his abuse.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 2

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 10:03:36 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

First, let me say I'm sorry this is happening to you. Personally, I would see this as being neglectful and abusive. But that's just my view...others may not agree.

quote:

ORIGINAL: trainedobedients

I gave up my country, my job everything for him and what I got back is not what is promissed to me. It also takes away from my submissiveness in order for me to survive in this relationship I need to get bitchy, hide my true feelings, be less submissive that is not what I need, what I thought I would have.

Were my expectations unrealistic and to high or is he just an ...........

I have highlighted the things I'd like to question.
* You mention leaving your country and job...was that something you both agreed on?
*You talk about things that were promised to you....are these things that you both agreed would be part of the relationship?
*High/unrealistic expectations.....what were your expectations to begin with? How deeply did the two of you discuss wants and needs before this became a M/s relationship?

It's hard to say anything else, I feel, unless things are made a bit clearer.

I do agree with sirsholly..... getting away is the best and most important step in dealing with abuse. It may also give you a chance to think things thru more clearly.

Unfortunatly, sometimes what you see isn't always what you get.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 3

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 10:29:40 AM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

Sorry to hear that all that has gone on... I guess you have to find a new Dom thats a better fit.

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 4

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 10:54:48 AM

trainedobedients

Posts: 56
Joined: 1/30/2006
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Yes, we both agreed upon me coming to the US and building up together with my son a live here.
Yes, we both agreed that it would be a relationship build on an Ms foundation.

My expectations, as in any relationship I had was that of mutual respect. To not purposefully hurt each other, to except each other the way we are, and to take care of each other. I hold my part of the deal completely although I must admit that I am less submissive, this only in order to survive in this relationship. You need to feel safe, know that the other person will take care of you no matter what, know that they will go to doors to protect you this include my feelings. I always make him feel good, I am always there when he needs me emotionally he even said so himself, so why can he not be there for me. Why does he feel that making smart remarks, like I like skinny woman knowing that I am from Latina heritage and we have the hourglass figures, even when we are slim, when asked so why did you marry me? He said: I trully don't know. I front of my son who was as shocked as I was. Before we met I was always happy with my body, now I feel unattractive, fat, ugly not desirable, why else would he never touch my breasts, nor tap me on the ass and say nice things, tell me he loves me. Never one word of encouragement of kindness. Which is opposite of how he presented himself during our courting time.

Getting away...............going where, my family and friends live abroad. My son needs to go to school.

_____________________________

Play safe and sound,
trainedobedients
slave of Master JohnnyV

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 5

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 10:55:50 AM

trainedobedients

Posts: 56
Joined: 1/30/2006
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I waited until I was 46 to get married, Marriage is holy to me, I don't walk away but I am also not sure how much longer I can take this.

_____________________________

Play safe and sound,
trainedobedients
slave of Master JohnnyV

(in reply to FRSguy)

Post #: 6

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:00:54 AM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

Marriage may be holy to you, but is it worth your happiness, sanity, or, dare i say it, your life?????

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 7

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:06:14 AM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

i am really sorry to hear this as well.

it is easy to present yourself as loving and warm when the object of your affections is overseas. most probably he did feel that way towards you when you were distant, but when you are living with someone day to day, that is when you find out what you are really made of.

Probably he just doesn't have it in him to maintain a day to day life with affection and presence. i am sure he is just as surprised by this as you are.

long distance romance is deceptive, because of these factors. you had to make a decision to relocate, before you had the experience of being with him day to day...

i looked at your profile.. you are a stunningly beautiful and sexy woman, you present yourself very well, you obviously have a good awareness of how to dress and make a good impression. you are wasting yourself on someone who can't appreciate all of you. it is much more his loss than yours.

give him some credit.. he was sincere enough to marry you. he has just reached his limits in how much of a husband and Master he can be.

marriage is only holy when both people regard it so. I think you need to re-evaluate what you want, and move on. someone of your attractiveness will get a lot of interest.

Next time, take this experience to learn to be more cautious, and find a way to spend time in real life with someone before you committ to be their slave or their wife.

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 8

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:06:26 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: trainedobedience

Why does he feel that making smart remarks, like I like skinny woman knowing that I am from Latina heritage and we have the hourglass figures, even when we are slim, when asked so why did you marry me? He said: I trully don't know. I front of my son who was as shocked as I was. Before we met I was always happy with my body, now I feel unattractive, fat, ugly not desirable, why else would he never touch my breasts, nor tap me on the ass and say nice things, tell me he loves me. Never one word of encouragement of kindness. Which is opposite of how he presented himself during our courting time.

Getting away...............going where, my family and friends live abroad. My son needs to go to school.

This is classic in what an abuser does. He will continue to break your self-esteem to keep you with him. Making you feel worthless means no one else will have you and you deserve the abuse. Also..i bet he has isolated you in all ways possible. Do you have friends you can turn to? I bet you don't. Money of your own? You probably do not even have access to a car. That is another trick abusers use.

As to your son. I realize he needs to be in school but STOP USING HIM AS AN EXCUSE! Sweetie...there are schools in Latin America, are their not?

Please...find a womans shelter and go there with your son. Beg, borrow and steal to get the funds to fly back home. You do not have to stay in Latin America...but for now you need support and your family can give that to you.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 9

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:13:56 AM

subeos

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

Abuse is abuse either it be in a BDSM relationship or vanilla. I suggest some counseling or talking to somone. Isolation is one of the biggest things an abuser uses.

slave eos

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 10

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:17:11 AM

DoctorYale

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Before replying, I viewed your profile. Run, do not walk away from this abusive relationship. This is not, at least from my perspective, what a true D/s relationship is about, and even less about the nature of a marriage. However, let this be a lesson to you to be much more careful in the future. Abuse is not the same as dominance. You are merely being abused and the very worst abuse is emotional abuse as it robs you of your self esteem. Based on your photograph and your self description, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about regarding your physical appearance. You are the epitome of a classic, mature, elegant, submissive, woman. Doctor Yale

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 11

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:18:02 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

First, I think you need to contact those that love and care for you - your family. Based on what you have told us here, this sounds very unhealthy for you and borders, if not steps directly into abuse. There are women's shelters that you can go to if you need to get away while family help is on the way.

This does not sound like something that you should continue, and I will urge you to look to your family for help. We all make mistakes, but staying in a relationship that appears to be harming you and your son is too high a price to pay.

Good luck to you, and be safe.

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 12

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:26:10 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: scottishdove

marriage is only holy when both people regard it so. I think you need to re-evaluate what you want, and move on. someone of your attractiveness will get a lot of interest.

Next time, take this experience to learn to be more cautious, and find a way to spend time in real life with someone before you committ to be their slave or their wife.

Again....I'm sorry things are going this way for you but there are "outs".

http://www.angelfire.com/ar/LRfuzz1/shelters/dvsrpa.html might give you a place to start.

The above quote says it all......what is holy for one may not be for another. Take what you've learned and move on. I've had to watch for 8 years as a good friend lived this life and wouldn't take the help offered. It can be done if you want to enough.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 13

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:31:04 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: trainedobedients

When Master and i were so called dating he was more sensitive, kinder and less cold hearted. Now we are married and I see a completely different person, less likeable one, unsensitive, cold hearted and downright abusive. He used to compliment me, make me feel good now it seems he get's out of his way to insult me, disregard my feelings unless he wants to use me.

I gave up my country, my job everything for him and what I got back is not what is promissed to me. It also takes away from my submissiveness in order for me to survive in this relationship I need to get bitchy, hide my true feelings, be less submissive that is not what I need, what I thought I would have.

I hear you say talk to him but that is impossible. It is first the television on as loud as possible and his refusal to talk, again except when he wants to use me. Or the television sound is turned down but on, he talks to me but his eyes are on the tv. It makes me feel insignificant, not important, at least less than the rerun of Monk.

Were my expectations unrealistic and to high or is he just an ...........

I'm gonna do what is probably gonna seem to many as the ahole thing to say. You need to take responsibilty for your part in it as well. We don't know the whole story, only you do. It sounds like you think He's an ...... so get out. Only YOU can make that decission. So many people are ready to jump on that sympathy train without knowing a single thing about it.. I find that funny.

I don't know you so how can i tell you he's abusive? How do any of us know that you aren't just overly sensitive?

I had this female once before i came into the lifestyle.. She use to fix me a favorite dish.
Then she would stand there until i said thank you this is a great meal honey or she became pissed lol. She was mad a lot. Once i figured out what she was doing(which didn't take long) I did the opposite. In my opinion, she was way to sensitive and had problems with entitlement. She cooked a good meal so I MUST then compliment her on it or else.

Without more info your just gonna get the sniffle vote. If that's what you want. Cool by me.

Your relationship is more complicated than a simple line on a forum.

Granted he hasn't been a sweetheart to you from what you wrote but is that an excuse to break a marriage? If there's more only you can decide.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 14

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:38:51 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

OP...you have recieved a great deal of good advice here, with the exception of Icarys.

Do not doubt yourself and the situation you are in. Do not doubt for one single minute that you need to get away from your abuser. Do not think it will get better...it will not. Do not blame yourself...he CHOOSES to abuse you and he will not stop.

< Message edited by sirsholly -- 9/9/2008 11:42:20 AM >

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 15

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:43:53 AM

gina0055

Posts: 111
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline

This is not a Master/slave relationship, at least as far as I know it. A Master who has mastered himself knows that he needs to treat his property with respect, to care for it and nurture it. He sounds as if he has a very long way to go before he gets there, if he wants to get there at all. Is this what you signed up for? Please get in touch with family or a friend you trust, or contact a local women's shelter. They'll be able to help you sort through things.

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 16

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:44:05 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

OP...you have recieved a great deal of good advice here, with the exception of Icarys.

Do not doubt yourself and the situation you are in. Do not doubt for one single minute that you need to get away from your abuser. Do not think it will get better...it will not. Do not blame yourself...he CHOOSES to abuse you and he will not stop.

Of course the rational approach of make sure you are doing the right thing is bad advice.

(Shake's head)

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 17

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:46:23 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: trainedobedients

When Master and i were so called dating he was more sensitive, kinder and less cold hearted. Now we are married and I see a completely different person, less likeable one, unsensitive, cold hearted and downright abusive. He used to compliment me, make me feel good now it seems he get's out of his way to insult me, disregard my feelings unless he wants to use me.

I gave up my country, my job everything for him and what I got back is not what is promissed to me. It also takes away from my submissiveness in order for me to survive in this relationship I need to get bitchy, hide my true feelings, be less submissive that is not what I need, what I thought I would have.

I hear you say talk to him but that is impossible. It is first the television on as loud as possible and his refusal to talk, again except when he wants to use me. Or the television sound is turned down but on, he talks to me but his eyes are on the tv. It makes me feel insignificant, not important, at least less than the rerun of Monk.

Were my expectations unrealistic and to high or is he just an ...........

Just make sure YOU are sure before doing anything. We can give you advice but it wouldn't be worth much without knowing as much as possible.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to trainedobedients)

Post #: 18

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:47:59 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

Rational? What is rational about spending one more minute in an abusive situation?
The OP states she is being abused. None of us live with her or know the situation therefore we take her on her word. And her WORD, Icarys, is that she is in a very abusive situation.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 19

RE: We don't talk the same language - 9/9/2008 11:50:37 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

Rational? What is rational about spending one more minute in an abusive situation?
The OP states she is being abused. None of us live with her or know the situation therefore we take her on her word. And her WORD, Icarys, is that she is in a very abusive situation.

I guess if all you are is tied up in body image that might hurt. I'm kinda chunky so that comment wouldn't bother me.

To the OP..what else has he done? If you don't mind sharing that is?

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 20

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