Lockit
Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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One might consider abuse to be one thing and another it is something different. One difference in it all is that if someone feels abused, in their mind they are abused. Whether their take on it all comes from an overly sensitive place, past wounds or whatever, they feel and are responding to abuse. I didn’t see anything that suggested physical abuse and there may not be the danger of physical harm, but there is reason to believe there is emotional harm that could be done or has been done. As the situation has been presented, there are a number of patterns that an abuser will often use and enough red flags to believe this woman is being abused, as emotional abuse is abuse.
She is in a very vulnerable place being in a strange country, away from family and with few resources. She could become more emotional or panicked in such a situation, but that doesn’t negate the fact that there seems to be patterns of abuse here and she feels abused and or used. Is neglect abuse? Well, let’s look at neglect. If one is neglected, they fail to thrive and sooner or later it will affect their health and overall general well being. When one is afraid and this woman must be afraid by the situation alone, she will suffer emotionally and physically at some point. So, neglect and fear are in a sense abuse, even if only she can see it that way.
After years of research and working with the abused, up to the point of directing a shelter that dealt with a lot of abuse issues and working with different shelters in many capacities, I would say this woman is clearly showing patterns of abuse in the relationship and the results thereof. No matter the situation and all the details, she is in a precarious situation and needs some assistance in either staying or getting out and needs the input of others to strengthen herself to prepare for what she must do in staying or leaving.
Preparing to go would be my first suggestion. Talking to a shelter for abused women might be very helpful, but to rush to a shelter and too short allowance of how long she can stay might be a mistake. First of all, she may not qualify for benefits that would help her and that must be determined before she leaves as she could end up homeless. She needs legal counsel before she puts herself in danger. Some shelters can help her even if she is not staying there and could help in arranging legal services. She should also look into agencies that might help her return to her home country.
So to the one that seems to think there are too few details to determine anything and that posters are wrong to advise her to leave… who thinks that one can be overly sensitive when needing some feedback on how the meal was… which I would think deserves a lap sit and a good talk… well… I doubt you are the best one to advise a woman in this situation. Although some may seem to be alarmist in a situation like this… they may have a bit more experience than you have. It is good to be fair and to examine each detail, but sorry to say, we may never know the details… but some of us do see red flags and for the situation being what it is on a message board, I think they answered in good faith.
The simple fact is this woman is gaining strength by posting as she has and that is of major importance in a situation such as this. In running the shelter, many would come in so shell shocked that you had to take them by the hand for a time and lead them in every direction. You have to build upon many things before some of them are able to fend for themselves. It would be nice to see this woman get the support and help she needs before she is in that state, but from what I have seen, she may not be far from there.
In cases such as mental or emotional abuse or neglect, and no physical abuse has taken place, things could escalate to physical abuse and is another pattern in abuse cases. She must be careful and prepared and knowledge, support systems and options are of major benefit and importance here. When a woman leaves, she is often times in more danger than if she stayed. So preparations are the best way to go in a situation like this. Good counsel would be a good thing. It is also a good thing to be safe rather than sorry.
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RE: We don't talk the same language - 
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