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RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 11:41:36 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

***let us say that this relationship ended without warning for her - just over night - not giving her time to adjust**

Well, everyone usually needs a period of 'confusion/mourning/anger/purging' after such an event. Likely, the sub has just been exited from a situation where there were heavy expectations placed on her. She should try to not continue the habit by expecting herself to magically overcome these things too quickly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

**yes, i guess so - but it would still be releases with His permission, right?**

The permission is the key issue. Who it's from is only symbolic. Certainly many people go through having more than one Dom in their lives, yes? The submission can find a new owner, so the thought of shifting that need for permission just needs a new temporary source. A caring one without ulterior motives, which is why I suggested a friend Dom/me who can adequately fill the role of providing dominance while actually focusing on helping the sub get back on her feet (rather than someone looking to take advantage of the situation).

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

***i guess it just takes time to get back on her feet - but to have her own body fail her - weeks after the relationship ended, is not making it easier. Seems like the best thing to do - is not to force it out - just wait until the day comes where she knows her body is ready - and hope for the best. Mindfucks creating this problem is more common than we like to admit - and forced orgasms as well as being forced to hold them back, can seriously mess up things mentally and bodily...it is not for everyone..s..Thank You for the good reply..s..***

This comes back to my previous point: the cycle of pressure is continuing, now through the sub being hard on herself. It's understandable to, so soon after such a harsh breakup, to want to cleanse one's self of everything about the former relationship. We would all want to fast forward to where there would be complete closure...but the most important thing is for the sub to start focusing on themselves internally first. The rediscovery of actually enjoying things (in this case, the self pleasure) for herself.


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I know they're all insane
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I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 11:45:04 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

***what a wonderful reply...this was also what she (ok..me...chuckles) tried...to take her control back...

Silly goose.

This is where you should start. There doesn't need to be any shame (public or private) in your situation. Bring it close and identify with it. It's yours...it's about you. From there, the healing will flow (no pun intended! I swear!).


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 12:55:38 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

LOL not that it isn't something I have not experienced.  I was married.


*snort*

yeah, me too.....



Funny...I've experienced that from the other side of the marriage bed.

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 12:59:39 PM   
tia111


Posts: 52
Joined: 9/9/2008
Status: offline 		Oh that is quite alright. Threads evolve and your exchange was helpful to others, so it wasn't hijacked, we just decided to go to Hawaii instead of Italy. 

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RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 1:00:07 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

***what a wonderful reply...this was also what she (ok..me...chuckles) tried...to take her control back...

Silly goose.

This is where you should start. There doesn't need to be any shame (public or private) in your situation. Bring it close and identify with it. It's yours...it's about you. From there, the healing will flow (no pun intended! I swear!).



**well..laughs...i did not want to hang Him out to dry, so to speak - so made a what if situation..*blush*....just so it would be on neutral grounds - but i have taken the advice to my heart - from some very nice and smart people...thanks..**


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RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 1:02:55 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tia111

Oh that is quite alright. Threads evolve and your exchange was helpful to others, so it wasn't hijacked, we just decided to go to Hawaii instead of Italy. 


**ah..so that is why i could not find the gondoliers....**


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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 1:03:08 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang
i have a little on the side question on this....say if a slave was trained to only cum when He told her to - that she was not allowed to release for her own pleasure - and the relationship ended. Each time she tries to orgasm on her own now - for her own pleasure - she fails - and she never had any problems releasing in the past....any good advice - or ideas on how to solve this? Time will hopefully solve this issue sooner or later, though - just curious on how some of the posters here think about this "problem"...s...

edited for spelling..not sure it helped much...

(Apologies to tia in advance if this seems to be a tangent...)

Thanks for your question, badlilthang.

How did the relationship end? The easy way, I would think, is that if it ended respectfully and openly (with the Dom's understanding) then I would suggest that the sub think of his release as a contractual permission to reacquire those controls which had been relinquished.

So, for example, if the sub was still in the relationship with the Dom and he said: "Today, I want you to feel free to orgasm at any point you feel like as if I had given specific permission/request for each time you do it."
I presume she'd be confident in feeling free to do so, yes?

A mutual agreement to release is, essentially, that permission being granted by the Dom and, I think, a good way to start thinking about it for someone who is still trying to get their feet back underneath them from the dynamic change to being single.

Now, although this idea can also work after a bad breakup, it's going to be a bit more difficult. In which case, I'd suggest that if the sub has a group of trusting friends also into D/s play they find a Dom/me they can trust not to screw with their minds who is willing to gently help her along with rough patches. Or, even being on here and taking the advice of trustworthy people.


Nicely said, Nihilus. 

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 1:14:04 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		You've had some good advice on here, tia.  I hope that it is helpful.

I enjoy orgasm control.  I enjoy the "when" and "how" and "where" and "yes" much more than the denial.  One nice thing about having so many female cousins and friends that are quite open in their discussions of sexual issues and about paying attention to the women I have been with is that you learn a lot, if you are willing to listen.  No two women are the same, much as I am sure there are variations between us guys when it comes to what an orgasm feels like, how much of the body/mind/spirit it envelops, how hard/easy it was to get there, etc., etc..  I've learned to observe and listen and ask questions of the submissive I am interested in:  with a couple, it has been the orgasm that has been the main focus while concentrating heavily on other areas so that it did not appear to be the main focus.  With another, it dropped into the background because it was not going to happen with any sort of pushing but just might with relaxation of the anxiety surrounding it.  With others, it was a whole other story.  What a great book it has been to read!

I have to wonder on the focus on orgasm when so many other things to be done are available...and in my opinion, a smart dominant will listen to what his submissive has to tell him/her about her orgasm and then decide on a plan that makes it the best for the submissive and, in the end, for the dominant.

(in reply to tia111)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 1:43:36 PM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline 		badlilthing,

I had a interesting journey reclaiming my orgasms back from not being allowed until permission was given.  Even now, I there are moments I want to so bad...I just wish I'd get that voice in my ear to tell me..."Cum...Now!"

The moment I knew I had to reclaim my orgasms...I had a hot night of incredible vanilla sex...after about a month after the last Dominant...I wanted to orgasm so darn bad...but realized into it...I couldn't until my partner told me to...my goodness...talk about an interesting moment of sex...begging him to please tell me to cum....he was kinda confused for a second...then he got the idea and was able to instruct me to orgasm.  Afterwards, he mentioned that was probably one of the dozen hottest things he's ever done...in one night...but the part where he told me to orgasm..was the hottest.  The beginning of another convert to the lovely world of bdsm...

I wonder...do I get a free toaster after so many recruits?  How many for the trip to Hawaii?

It took awhile for me to reclaim my orgasms...so just be patient...don't give up...and all will be well. :)

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 1:46:39 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gleegal67

badlilthing,

I had a interesting journey reclaiming my orgasms back from not being allowed until permission was given.  Even now, I there are moments I want to so bad...I just wish I'd get that voice in my ear to tell me..."Cum...Now!"

The moment I knew I had to reclaim my orgasms...I had a hot night of incredible vanilla sex...after about a month after the last Dominant...I wanted to orgasm so darn bad...but realized into it...I couldn't until my partner told me to...my goodness...talk about an interesting moment of sex...begging him to please tell me to cum....he was kinda confused for a second...then he got the idea and was able to instruct me to orgasm.  Afterwards, he mentioned that was probably one of the dozen hottest things he's ever done...in one night...but the part where he told me to orgasm..was the hottest.  The beginning of another convert to the lovely world of bdsm...

I wonder...do I get a free toaster after so many recruits?  How many for the trip to Hawaii?

It took awhile for me to reclaim my orgasms...so just be patient...don't give up...and all will be well. :)

Not meant in a disrespectful way at all, but that's a cute/funny story of topping from the bottom: "Tell me to cum, dammit!!"


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Gleegal67)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 1:57:42 PM   
whis31


Posts: 143
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline 		lol love this thread....Master is just starting to train me in not to orgasm... not doing very well, like a few others on here once on the road it very hard to start... and when Master touches me just right i just go and it doesn't matter were Wwe are at!


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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 2:18:28 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gleegal67

badlilthing,

I had a interesting journey reclaiming my orgasms back from not being allowed until permission was given.  Even now, I there are moments I want to so bad...I just wish I'd get that voice in my ear to tell me..."Cum...Now!"

The moment I knew I had to reclaim my orgasms...I had a hot night of incredible vanilla sex...after about a month after the last Dominant...I wanted to orgasm so darn bad...but realized into it...I couldn't until my partner told me to...my goodness...talk about an interesting moment of sex...begging him to please tell me to cum....he was kinda confused for a second...then he got the idea and was able to instruct me to orgasm.  Afterwards, he mentioned that was probably one of the dozen hottest things he's ever done...in one night...but the part where he told me to orgasm..was the hottest.  The beginning of another convert to the lovely world of bdsm...

I wonder...do I get a free toaster after so many recruits?  How many for the trip to Hawaii?

It took awhile for me to reclaim my orgasms...so just be patient...don't give up...and all will be well. :)

Not meant in a disrespectful way at all, but that's a cute/funny story of topping from the bottom: "Tell me to cum, dammit!!"



***lmao...well - what can a poor girl dooooooo?**


_____________________________

.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 2:20:33 PM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: whis31

lol love this thread....Master is just starting to train me in not to orgasm... not doing very well, like a few others on here once on the road it very hard to start... and when Master touches me just right i just go and it doesn't matter were Wwe are at!




**that is so fucked up (saying it with a laughter, tough!)...telling us not to cum..but doing everything they possibly can to make us...*L*...but seriously - talk to Him about it...if the relationship ends - it is not so easy to get them back..*dramatic lil sigh - reaching for a cookie..wondering why noone brought icecream**


_____________________________

.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 2:25:40 PM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

One of the challenges has been in wondering what to think about, while trying.  I don't want to think about him, because then it feels like I'm still doing it for him.  But I'm getting there, and each day is a little better.




If you are a reader, I find that many trashy romance novels feature a very strong handsome domineering helping hand man, Nods nods...Also, Selective movie watching, where, Say a dog is featured with an actor you like, and He starts calling the Dog to... come girl then a little frustrating and a little more demanding Come Now...... I think It was must love dogs. Or various other Animal planet shows ( its not tos, its just where your more commenly going to find orders to come at.....)At the right moment works for me as well.

Oh Severus, how you allude me.




_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 2:49:17 PM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gleegal67

badlilthing,

I had a interesting journey reclaiming my orgasms back from not being allowed until permission was given.  Even now, I there are moments I want to so bad...I just wish I'd get that voice in my ear to tell me..."Cum...Now!"

The moment I knew I had to reclaim my orgasms...I had a hot night of incredible vanilla sex...after about a month after the last Dominant...I wanted to orgasm so darn bad...but realized into it...I couldn't until my partner told me to...my goodness...talk about an interesting moment of sex...begging him to please tell me to cum....he was kinda confused for a second...then he got the idea and was able to instruct me to orgasm.  Afterwards, he mentioned that was probably one of the dozen hottest things he's ever done...in one night...but the part where he told me to orgasm..was the hottest.  The beginning of another convert to the lovely world of bdsm...

I wonder...do I get a free toaster after so many recruits?  How many for the trip to Hawaii?

It took awhile for me to reclaim my orgasms...so just be patient...don't give up...and all will be well. :)

Not meant in a disrespectful way at all, but that's a cute/funny story of topping from the bottom: "Tell me to cum, dammit!!"



***lmao...well - what can a poor girl dooooooo?**



A girl has got to do, what a girl has to do...to get the big O!

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 3:04:09 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

i have a little on the side question on this....say if a slave was trained to only cum when He told her to - that she was not allowed to release for her own pleasure - and the relationship ended. Each time she tries to orgasm on her own now - for her own pleasure - she fails - and she never had any problems releasing in the past....any good advice - or ideas on how to solve this? Time will hopefully solve this issue sooner or later, though - just curious on how some of the posters here think about this "problem"...s...

edited for spelling..not sure it helped much...


Practice, practice, practice, and accepting that most of the time (especially at the beginning) that practice is going to be fruitless.

I've always found it incredibly hard to orgasm, I find I need permission, which doesn't really make sense to anyone oustide of WIITWD, and even then, only works when I'm on the bottom.

When having the "orgasm control" conversation with people I'm playing with, I'm quite clear that I won't cum just cos they want me to, and having him stand over me, working away with whatever (and it better not be a rabbit cos those are evil), threatening me with canes if I don't come... isn't going to make it happen either.  If I ask, you can say yes, or you can say no, you can't say "wait" or "no" and then ten seconds later say "yes", I'm just not wired that way.

It's another thing in the "to work on" pile.

And, yeah, I practice, practice, practice...  I'm still pleasantly surprised when someone else makes me orgasm.  The novelty has yet to wear off.

(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 3:45:16 PM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		O Gawd.  Left alone, and unable to cum.
 
Well, apart from suing him (tongue in cheek there), I'd suggest going back to when you first learned how...what worked for you then?  Try and retrain our body so it's responsive to your touch again.
 
Such carelessness with a former slave...shame on him.
 
candystripper 

(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 6:11:29 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I find if he pays attention to me, then he'll know when I'm approaching all systems go, liftoff. At that point a wooden spoon applied to the inner thigh will bring me back. But too hard and too many causes tears from pain, and sometimes tears from frustration. At that point it isn't going to happen at all that night and I can't handle any more touching.

Truthfully, if he doesn't want me to, then he needs to pay attention to how close I am, and stop applying stimulation of any kind. If he doesn't want to take the time to learn me that well, then I'm likely not to want to be with him again. It's like stomping on the gas pedal and then blaming the car for not braking itself.

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 6:37:33 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Instead of making it a hard limit I'd simply just decline all dominants who're into orgasm control and denial, and go for the ones who's focus would be to make you orgasm.

It certaintly makes more sense, why entertain a realtionship with someone who you wouldn't normally click with just cause this is going to be a kinky relationship.


quote:

ORIGINAL: tia111

I actually got the idea for this thread from another and did not want to hijack that thread with my own issues nor did i want to be insensitive to the OP. I am hoping others have some suggestions to help me.

I too have noticed that dominant men want to be in control of the female orgasm. The problem is that when i am ready to orgasm, i am unable to stop just because they have told me to. I cum quite easily with internal stimulation and it seems impossible for me to control that if i am denied permission.

How does one shut off that physical aspect? Even when all stimulation has ceased, i still sometimes fail at keeping it in. Sometimes i also have the issue that i don't realize it is happening until it is too late.

I have tried Keegal exercises (forgive me if i spelled that incorrectly please) but to no avail. I liken it to a hose that has been turned on but when you turn it off there is still some water that pours out. I can refrain from having a proper one but am unable to keep it all inside. Then i feel like a failure because i have disobeyed a direct order.

It sounds silly to make it a hard limit but i have gotten to the point where i almost want it to be one because it seems to be impossible for me. Does anyone have any further advice for me? Or should i just give up and make it a hard limit?


(in reply to tia111)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: No You Can't - 9/11/2008 6:54:51 PM   
Brownbohemian


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		You cum when you want! True it is a mind over matter thing and that in time you can will yourself or unwill yourself. But it seems to me (and I could be wrong) that you (personally) have a more pleasuarble experience when you do. In the D/s relationship there still has to be balance. We get too caught up in the I am the D and you are the s. In the end we both need to be fulfilled.

(in reply to tia111)
Profile   Post #: 60
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