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Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 6:51:55 PM

FaithBlue

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline

I'm a very new sub, even to the point of not having a contract yet. I wear a corset when I'm away from the house. I didn't wear it one day this week, and told my Dom after the fact. He expressed his disapproval very clearly. I panicked, begged for his forgiveness, then said if it was too much, then I'd accept his dismissal. It appears that's what has happened. Was it really too much? I could have lied and said yes, I did wear it that day. I must say, we live in different parts of the same town, and a majority of our contact is online.
My head is swimming right now. Am I untrainable?

Post #: 1

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 7:22:20 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

If you had no delineated set of regulations and rules set forth, then all you have to rely on is whether the decision was objectionable on a base level. Would you have thought it to be permissible to not wear a corset if asked before it happened?

I had an experience recently where a would-be sub did something exceptionally insulting without us having gotten to the point of any contractual agreements and parameters...but some actions should fall under the "duh" category of what not to do while approaching a collaring with someone.

There has to be more to the story here you're not mentioning, as his fixation with your corset-wearing seems to be directly linked to his feeling of dominance and your ability to honor it.

Did he mention to you in advance what your corset-wearing meant to him symbolically and how he perceived it?

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 9/11/2008 7:23:12 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 2

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 7:25:39 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

No you are not untrainable he might be but you are not. I expect a few slip ups to start, you are human after all. Anyone that would right you off that quick sounds like a wanker to me. Was this real life on on-line? On-line is full of wankers and want-to-be's it is hard to weed them out when you are first starting out. Take your time and do what you can to ensure the person is real that you are talking to. Ask for references from him, there is nothing wrong with that. I am planning on meeting a slave soon and told him that he should be asking for them and here are a few. Of course most people would not give a bad reference but it's better then nothing.

Mike

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 3

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 7:27:40 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Sheesh. Calm down. Take a breath.

Contracts aren't required. There are plenty of subs who have been subs for years without one.

Now, as to the gist of your post - I myself would consider lying to be a lot more serious than forgetting to wear a corset.

If he's going to terminate a relationship for something that minor, as opposed to disciplining you and getting on with life, I don't think he really valued the relationship that much. And just leaving without telling you that he was doing it is just plain rude.

Move on, and get a better Dom this time.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 4

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 7:37:50 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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No, your not untrainable.

You might, however, consider involving yourself with men who's value of you and the relationship itself exceeds the trivial act of "forgetting to wear a peice of clothing one day out of the week".

_____________________________

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Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 5

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 7:40:07 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

The greater percentage of answers you're going to get here will largely be riddled with sympathy and disbelief, as your wording of the situation puts the reaction in a light that seems harsh in contrast to a normally trivial act (or non-act).

But the question is: was it a trivial issue? And, if not, should you have known better than to proceed with the decision you chose?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 7:44:45 PM

FaithBlue

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline

Thank you, Sirs. I've had so much to learn within the last two weeks. My Dom did talk to me about the meaning behind the corset, but I just didn't listen carefully enough.
I appreciate your words.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/11/2008 7:47:28 PM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

Subs make mistakes. That's part of the Dominance/submission dynamic-the dom gives orders, the sub follows most, then gets punished for what they were unable to complete. When a dominant freaks out over a minor infraction, it's a red flag. Perhaps he isn't prepared to punish you. Perhaps he's new to being a dominant and doesn't know what to do. Perhaps he lives in the fantasy of BDSM only, and facing one of the less-fun parts of bdsm, he finds he's not interested in the reality of it.

Just because your dominant lives in the same town as you doesn't mean he's the man for you. The fact that he's only playing online with you suggests that he has something to hide (like, a wife).

When we first get involved with a dominant, particularly for newbies, it's easy to get stuck in the "sub frenzy" mode. A man might be all wrong for you in every way...but he's dominant! He must be THE ONE! He's a dom and he understands me, and therefore I can forgive the fact that we're a terrible match and he's throwing up all kinds of red flags and that if he were dating any of my friends, I'd tell them to run, not walk, away. Take time to step back and consider your situation objectively. Is this man worthwhile? Is he someone you would date in a vanilla situation? Is he hiding things and acting suspiciously?

~Katie978, admittedly not a master, piping in from the other side of the fence

_____________________________

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In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 2:38:15 AM

john32

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline

For me lying would be grounds for terminating the relationship. Neglecting to perform a daily task I had set forth would not be grounds. However repeatedly neglecting to perform your task would not be acceptable and would require further consideration.

(in reply to ExKat)

Post #: 9

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 2:54:01 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

Although I have a punishment dynamic in my relationship, Master is generally reluctant to punish. Please know there are all kinds of dynamics - many here on CM do not use punishment in their dynamic.
If you are looking for a relationship, it is okay to ask yourself the same questions you would ask yourself in a vanilla relationship. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone you been dating, seeing, talking to, whatever, casually, who broke off the relationship for something rather minor? It happens in vanilla relationships, too.
What was going to happen when the real stuff came along? what if you were to meet him, and something serious came up and you couldn't get there?
really, you want someone who is capable of working through the bumps in life. Imagine living together. Even if that is not what you are wanting or aiming for, just imagine if to put things in perspective. Imagine leaving the house for work without doing the dishes, becre running late. Imagine that you were running late because you got caught up playing a computer game or websurfing or watching tv. No, he doesn't have to be happy about it, but ending the relationship?
If he is back around you in a week, offering you a second chance, think carefully before you take You can't manage perfection, so this WILL happen again.
I didn't get the feeling from your post that you 'forgot'. I got the feeling that you knew it was a rule, but one day didn't do it, for assorted trivial reasons. Maybe you were running late - maybe you were bloated that day and it would have been more uncomfortable than you wanted - maybe you had something to do that you felt you needed your wits about you and the corset would put you in the right mind set. You have a right to have him listen to you and understand. He might still punish you, he might or might not adjust the rules, but you should walk away from a conversation about it feeling he listened and considered what you had to say.
In real life, things get in the way of the 'ideal'. Were there protocols in place you could have followed? Could you have contacted him to tell him that you needed to not do this today?
There are plenty of Doms out there who will not be 'mostly online' with you when they live in the same town. Plenty of Doms who will be patient and work through training issues and minor failures and various issues of life. Don't settle for this.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to john32)

Post #: 10

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 3:18:28 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithBlue

I'm a very new sub, even to the point of not having a contract yet. I wear a corset when I'm away from the house. I didn't wear it one day this week, and told my Dom after the fact. He expressed his disapproval very clearly. I panicked, begged for his forgiveness, then said if it was too much, then I'd accept his dismissal. It appears that's what has happened. Was it really too much? I could have lied and said yes, I did wear it that day. I must say, we live in different parts of the same town, and a majority of our contact is online.
My head is swimming right now. Am I untrainable?

You're gonna be spending a lot of time with your head "swimming" when the substance of your D/s relationship is an online dom who's likely using your inexperience to propogate his own fanciful fantasies.

C'mon, he's "dismissed" you for not wearing a corset?? That'd be quite severe in a devoted and committed real time relationship but when it's someone who likely doesn't know the real *you* at all then it's nothing more than the actions of a nasty little ego-tripper drunk with the power allowed over you! Have you even met him?

People who care about you don't fuck with your mind this way! It's not that you're "untrainable" so much as he's incapable of inspiring anyone to learn through positive reinforcement! Which is why they covet the anonymity of online "relationships".... You seem quite earnest and sincere yourself so I'd recommend you channel those qualities toward someone who appreciates them, and *you*.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 11

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 4:50:43 AM

MasterSwordsman

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/12/2008
Status: offline

In my opinion you are not Untrainable.
New, Fresh, maybe a bit naive, but far from untrainable. We all make mistakes both early on and throughout the existence of our human condition. NihilusZero was correct in his statement that you need to examine what here is really going on. I have a similar rule with my slave, in the respect that she is to keep her collar with her at all times, whether it be in her purse, about her neck or in a pocket. It's not meant to be a burden but a reminder of her slavery. Though she has made this mistake in the past she has always re-quitted it and tried to make a mense. Your position at this point is to find out from your Dominant whether or not this is so serious, and make sure that you both understand what is going on.

As far as Lying about it is concerned. That is a law in my book that is subject to dismissal. Lying does nothing but cause troubles for everyone involved and unravels the fabric of a proper power exchange. I would never suggest lying to your Dominant.

Also remember that intention counts for alot, but actions always speak louder than words here.

_____________________________

When the God said "Let there be Light", Night and Day were formed. When man said "Let there be War", the children of Day and Night took up arms. When comes the time to say "Let there be Peace", only the twilight will remain.

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 12

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 6:39:59 AM

Worldly1

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

There are a couple of red flags here.

You say that you life in different parts of the same town, but that the majority of your contact is online. This just doesn't feel right unless it's all that both of you wanted from the beginning.

If he's prepared to end a relationship because you, as a new submissive, broke a rule, then he either doesn't want you anymore for other reasons he's not saying, or else he's so inexperienced himself that he can't see the bigger picture.

I agree with what others have said. Lying is a deal breaker, so don't ever go there.

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 13

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 6:42:47 AM

FaithBlue

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline

Yes. There are other issues that I didn't think applied, but my reaction to Sir's disapproval is part of those issues.

I'm getting divorced, about a month off of the final decree being filed, and I've dealt with my husband's disapproval for years. When Sir got angry with me, I reacted badly. I just didn't want to deal with his disapproval. I walk away from conflict, have for years. Someone yells or gets mad at me, I blank out and freeze. In this instance, I panicked. That was when I said if this was too much, then so be it. I know better now than to offer to get out of the relationship next time.
I can honestly say I did not do this to provoke him. I'm not a SAM.

(in reply to MasterSwordsman)

Post #: 14

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 7:00:42 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

No of course not FaithBlue.

IMO, he's an ass.

candystripper

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 15

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 7:07:22 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithBlue

I'm a very new sub, even to the point of not having a contract yet. I wear a corset when I'm away from the house. I didn't wear it one day this week, and told my Dom after the fact. He expressed his disapproval very clearly. I panicked, begged for his forgiveness, then said if it was too much, then I'd accept his dismissal. It appears that's what has happened. Was it really too much? I could have lied and said yes, I did wear it that day. I must say, we live in different parts of the same town, and a majority of our contact is online.
My head is swimming right now. Am I untrainable?

Well, before anyone could know whether you are untrainable or not, someone would need to try to train you. Making a list of arbitrary rules and mysteriously indicating unknown levels of displeasure doesn't really count.... at all... Ditching your sub at the first sign of trouble is not exactly what I would call strong leadership.

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 16

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 7:47:26 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

if the majority is online....then fuck him....spend 5 mins...and you'll get another online dom.... online dom's are the easiest to find....takes no time at all.

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to FaithBlue)

Post #: 17

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 7:49:28 AM

trisket

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline

FaithBlue,
Yes, you are trainable. You KNOW you are trainable. You also knew that you were not wearing that corset when you were supposed to. There was no "forgetting" it. You didnt feel like wearing it.. it was hot.. it was to much of a hassle that morning.. but you didnt JUST forget. Come on, at least be honest about that part to yourself. Is he an ass for leaving with no discussion, no punishment..nothing. Yes, he has obligations to "Train". That isnt training.. that is quitting. Better you find this out now.. than later. You need to take something learned away from this lesson for next time though... For every action.. there is a consequence. You may choose to "fudge" on an order that you find trivial. That is your choice. You ALWAYS have a choice.. even slaves have choices. Just understand.. there will be a consequence.. and you may not know what that consequence is beforehand. If you do as you are told.. you dont have to worry about it. If you choose to get around your Master, just be prepared to pay for it. Mistakes happen.. you take your punishment and remember for next time... and I am sure you will with this one. But, just dont kid yourself... you knew what you were doing.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 18

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 8:40:38 AM

Skyfire

Posts: 21
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline

Truer words have never been spoken :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

if the majority is online....then fuck him....spend 5 mins...and you'll get another online dom.... online dom's are the easiest to find....takes no time at all.

I hate to see so many new bottoms go through what you are facing. I am not saying you are completely without fault...I do not know enough of the situation. However, if its online, its fantasy. If you choose to commit to that fantasy you should do so with all your heart, but if its just online training, you can get as much benefit from reading some of the better books available.

Try not to get on the emotional rollercoaster that many new people do, there are many highs and lows in BDSM. After the shine is off the apple you will see that we are all just human and we all make mistakes. How we deal with them is what really matters

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 19

RE: Did I Really Blow It? - 9/12/2008 9:48:35 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

FaithBlue:

Perhaps you should take a look inside yourself at WHY you are "panicking" because someone you barely know "dismissed" you for something so trivial.

You say your divorce will be final in about a month. And you have already hooked up with someone new in the guise of a D/s or M/s or whatever kind of relationship. Could it be possible that the reason you are panicking is that you are terrified of being alone and are trying to replace the husband position in your life? It's a reasonable feeling to have.....I found myself looking desperately while my divorce was in the works, though I didn't actually connect with anyone, thank goodness.

Rather than throwing yourself at men and trying to start a new relationship before your divorce papers are even signed, perhaps it would be better for your personal growth to take some alone time for yourself. Figure out what may have gone wrong with the marriage, what mistakes you might not want to repeat in choosing a future partner, things like that. If you have little ones, spend some time with them. Work on strengthening yourself, maybe seek out some counseling to help you deal with the past you mentioned, learn to face problems head-on in a constructive way instead of running away from them. Being alone isn't so bad, at least for a time. I promise if you put some effort into healing within and strengthening from there, you'll come out of it a much happier or at least more content person.....without the panics. Which will make you more attractive to doms who want a healthy relationship, not one based on his little wank fantasies (making you wear a corset every day and then throwing you out if you forget one day.) Believe me, if he's found an excuse to throw you out of the corral, he's already got another pony in the holding pen.

P.S. You really didn't "blow" anything. There really wasn't anything there to begin with, sorry to say.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 9/12/2008 9:53:23 AM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Skyfire)

Post #: 20

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