RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (Full Version)

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RCdc -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 6:16:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And sorry, he doesn't decide when or where you meet. You don't do what he says until you feel comfortable submitting to him, which happens after you meet him and not before. This telling you what you have to do sight unseen is a red flag in my book.


In my book it isn't a redflag.  She never stated he was forcing her to meet, but that he just doesn't hang around.  I see quite a few regular posters on here stating that they would want to meet someone with potential in two weeks, even a month.  And that if they couldn't, then pursuing the relationshiop would be a waste of time.  It comes down to whether she wants to or not - and she clearly does - but sometimes people need that extra push to take that leap.  Nothing wrong with that as long as it's not force.  Him telling her what he wants and preferes of her isn't a redflag in my book.
Just a different perspective from a person who met at a station, went for coffee and ended up in a fantastic relationship without all the 'safety police' jargon.
 
the.dark.



sirsholly -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 6:23:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: megggy

So i met my master on here, I just turned 18 sept 2.....


so...either you lied to be a member here as a minor...or you have known your "Master" for a grand total of 15 days?



RCdc -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 6:30:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
so...either you lied to be a member here as a minor...or you have known your "Master" for a grand total of 15 days?



For crying out loud, give the woman a break.  She wasn't a minor on her profile and if she decides to call the guy Master after afortnight, more power to her and him.  They aren't meeting until Jan - that will be months.  So what if they have made arrangements?  It might not be your kind of thing, but trying to lower her integrity and maturity by insinuating shit is pretty low.
 
the.dark.



sirsholly -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 6:35:31 AM)

Thats my opinion, hon.

I would have serious, serious reservations about a master/dom pushing for a face to face meeting after an online relationship of a few days.



tsatske -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 6:35:46 AM)

I would advise you not to think of anyone as Master until you have done this little ceromony where you hold your hands up between you and you place yours on his to see the difference in sizes. Because it is REALLY, REALLY important to compare hand sizes before you call someone Master. Uhm, either that, or its just that it is important to be in such physical proximaty as to be able to do that.
I know you will hear alot here about not going with someone to a motel on the first meet, meet only briefly for coffee, in a public place, ect, ect. But, in that case, no one here would ever get together with someone far away. No one is going to pay for airfare to fly to somewhere, have coffee, then fly home - fly back next week, have dinner, fly home - maybe next week they can bring you a cute teddy bear - i'm sorry, the exact same scenario just doesn't work as does with someone you share a city with.

I also know that there is an entire contingent on CM that does not like the whole safecall thing. I, however, am a big, BIG fan of safecalls. safecalls themselves will not keep you safe, or even alive. However, the act of setting one up is your best bet to safety.
To set up a safecall correctly, you must ask for personal information. I personally do not care what info He provides - He can pick and choose. However, it must be sufficent that, if he were the last person to ever see me, he could be located. Sorry if that is blunt, but it is true. Any Dom that bulks about giving adaquate safecall information I never meet - and that alone goes a long way to keep me safer. My last Master was a married, and cheating, man, when we first met, with a sensitive job in his community. He sent me his full name, the name of where he worked and his title, and the address and phone number there, plus his cell phone and pager numbers and work email (actually, he scanned a buisness card for me) He also scanned his DL, with his full name, pic, and real address. Not to mention that His DL number would have allowed me to do a background check. And he gave me his home phone, trusting that I would not call him there, just so it could be with his contact info, and his licence plate number. He went overboard, but he wanted to make sure I knew I was safe. Also, on my first safecall of that weekend, I told my sister (my safecall person at that time was my biosis) the name of the hotel and the roomnumber. If I expected everyone to go to that extreme, I'd never have a date. However, if they don't want to send adaquate safe call info, I DON'T have a date.
Let him know when you are expected to make safecalls, so he can help remind you. Have a safecall safeword - this is a word that is a synonym for 'good' (there are only 3 million of these in the english language) Your safe call person knos the word. It means, not only are things not good right now, they are so bad I have to convince this person that I am saying they are good - for instance, he is holding a gun on me, ect.
also, if he is going to be around a week or weekend or whatever, see if you can plan some time in public. If you can work in a munch, that would be great. even just lunch with a friend.
Most people on here have met someone for the first time in less than public. Most people have broken the rules they are telling you. You are an adult now. This is not 'do as I say not as I do'. This is more, the rules are there for a reason - i know you are going to break them from time to time, but remeber the reason for them when you are breaking them. Like, I bet you drive too fast, sometimes - but I bet you think through WHEN you can drive to fast (bright, sunny day, wide open expressway) and when you can't - dark, rainy night, curvy road. Do the same thing. Follow the rules you can, without becoming a hermit, and keep yourself safe. And ALWAYS have an out planned, on any kind of blind or first date. Don't be afraid to walk away if it doesn't feel right. Don't give into sex, and esp to being tied up, if there is no chemestry, just because 'He came all this way.' Honor youself, and stay safe. Let us know how it goes.



RCdc -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 6:50:32 AM)

Well, meggy has already stated that it isn't until Jan - and that is pending.  She can pull out between now and then if the whole thing turns yuck.  That is what, nearly 4 months?  Arranging a meet doesn't mean it's going to go happen and I hardly find 4 months 'pushy'.  Some people have jobs and life - some people cannot just meet but make the arrangements.  I hardly see 3-4 months as a rush job.

She feels ok about him and the way things have progressed, the only doubts she has are what other people usually suggest.  As long as she can accept the responsibility should it go tits up.
And names/collars/etc are down to individuals.  Yes I am sure for some people the idea of calling someone Master after a week is pretty lame and makes it 'less' etc.  And that collaring should be all romantic and like wedding vows.  But to some people they are not.  I have seen people call another 'Mistress' after meeting them and playing with them at a party within the space of a couple of hours.  Some people like the full on rituals.  Some people like the concept.  So what?
 
the.dark.



pnut8377 -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 6:54:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

Thats my opinion, hon.

I would have serious, serious reservations about a master/dom pushing for a face to face meeting after an online relationship of a few days.



Now on the other hand of that some people would say you couldnt have a D/s relationship unless you met.  I've been told that many times.  I think that that the D/s relationship is what you and your partner make of it whether it be online or real life.
 
My advice to megggy would be first off, telling him you want to play it safe, it should not be an issue for him, he should want you to be safe.  I myself is exploring the same kind of relationship with someone online and from day one he told me that when we meet, i will know everything about him before we meet, his address, phone numbers (work and other), where he works etc...  He also told me to give his picture to a friend  with all his informaion and set up safe call times and a safe word so that if you dont call or are on the phone with your friend and something isnt right you say that word and he or she calls the authorities.  i know everything about him, i even called his job like he told me to, to confirm it.  I even did a reverse number lookup online to make sure he just didnt give me another cell number with a voice mail that seemed like it was from his job.  He should make you want to feel safe for you to meet and you should feel comfortable telling him that you feel this way.  If you can't comfortably express your feelings now, how comfortable are you going to be doing it in person. Be careful and follow your instincts.
 



tsatske -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 7:02:13 AM)

Darcy,
Exactly. I said I wouldn't call someone Master until I met them in person. OTOH, I would also say that I wouldn't be collared by someone until after a long time of being together and getting to know one another.
But, as I said, the truth is, we all know what the rules are, we know why we have them, we know they are important - and we all break them.
Collaring is like vows to me. Being his slave and being his wife are so much one in the same to me that I consider myself his wife, though we are not legeally married (and have some reasons not to be). for me, a collar is for life. My contract says as much, btw.
I would NEVER, NEVER, EVER, enter into such a relationship without a LONG time of careful consideration, getting to know EVERY LAST LITTLE thing about a person.
So, that lifelong, no out contract I have signed with him? Third time we met face to face - first time we spent the weekend together. seriously. and then he put my collar off, and with one unfortunate exception (got my ass arrested for a traffic violation), it has not been off since. (jail time was about 3 hours. the truly traumatic part was, they took off my colar)
We are a happy, secure and stable couple, living a rational approach to real life and 24/7. He is the perfect match for me. You could say i just got 'lucky' (which, of course, i did).
But, truthfully, the rules get broken. They are there for a reason, but we are talking about grownups here, and rules get broken. just try to do so with some sanity.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 7:19:39 AM)

i've met guys at the airport and brought them home with me for four day visits with no problem whatsoever and a whole lot of fun had by both parties...

i've met guys at the airport and took them to the nearest rent-a-car agency and met up with them later at a local coffee shop, an eatery or even their hotel lobby/room...

i've met guys at the airport that i drove on past once i laid eyes on them and saw they had mis-represented themselves dramatically in the appearance factor...

and i've met guys at the airport that i left there because in the first five minutes of speaking with them, they made my skin crawl...

i have yet to meet any guy at the airport that ended up being anything remotely close to a life threatening situation, and since 911 occuried, you can damn well bet that you won't either because there are armed guards at just about every airport in the world these days!



GreedyTop -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 7:21:29 AM)

hear hear, lilone....



RealSub58 -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 9:25:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: megggy

that's the thing i feel safe it's just what other says.
i get good hunches...i've never been wrong and my hunch says its fine.
it's just other people :/


There is a time to listen to others.
There is a time to consider wise advice.
There is a time to take many precautions.
There is a time to trust yourself.  Yes yourself.
 
He is traveling to you?  That is very good.
There is also a time to let others , your friends and family, know that you are meeting someone special, to have a cell phone in your pocket at all times.
 
My only concern here is....  you have not met this man yet and you have these deep feelings for a fantasy you have made up in your heart and head about this man.
Deep feelings, IMHO, should only come after you have vested real time with a person.
 
A friend of mine spend several months on line, on phone with a man she said she "loved."  For all the reasons you have deep feelings for this man you have never met.
He sent her $$ to travel to  him for 2 weeks. The match they both thought was perfect was so wrong.  She was stuck as she had no money to return on her own.  They tolerated each other for the duration.
 
Dont let the fantasy of what this man says or thinks or tells you that makes you all fuzzy and warm inside now, before you met in person, guard your heart.  Let your mind guide you and then your heart can jump in if this is truly right.
 
I have learned the hard way.....
....dumped in Mexico
....made an option in a long distance "relationship" and made some horrible choices that cost me lots of $$
....spent $300.00 at the chirpracter after a dude tried to make me into a pony
....picked up a dude at the airport who was not at all who he said he was and made him go home, he dragged his luggage 4 blocks up the street to get the coach bus to the airport
 
You wanted experiences of "older" subs.....
I have told mine. 



Missokyst -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 9:39:27 AM)

I love it when they are shy, and demure.
Meet him, get laid, ask what people think and do what you want. 
And if you find it not working out (as I did at 22), if you shove your shoulder into his lower chest HARD, and push, you can flip him over your shoulder.
It comes in handy.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: megggy

lolllllllllllllllllllllllllll uh wtf, i wasn't asking for advice on how someone is my master, stick the prompt.




akisha -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 10:32:44 AM)

~FR~

I picked my Master up from the airport, we went for dinner then I asked him if he wanted to stay with me or at a hotel.  We spent 3 hours together before we went back to my place.

He moved up a month later, and I was collared a month after that *S*

Do what ever you feel is right for you. No one else will be able to know what vibes you are getting from this man. Biggest thing is to take your time, which you are doing seeing as you are meeting in January, and trust in yourself.

No one else can really tell you what is right or what is wrong for you and your situation.



SingleRarity -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 11:05:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trisket

All good advice here.. one very real point.  Dont do anything without someone in your immediate personal life, (meaning family member, best friend, your entire athletic team, your sorority sisters,, whoever) knowing you are going to meet this person.  Use a safe call once you are with the person in the PUBLIC meeting place.  Call when you first get there.. and every 30 minutes just to "check in".  Call again when you are in your personal car leaving.. with the seat belt on.. the doors locked.. driving away .. with him in another car.  Do NOT go with him.  Do NOT get in your car and go to his hotel from the initial meeting.  Give it time to chill.  Cover yourself with all saftey measures.  He won't have a problem with this.. because he wants you to be safe.  If he does have a problem with any of this...... There's your sign.  Be smart.


I met my Daddy in New Orleans after a month of phone conversations.  I picked him up at the airport. We traveled in the same car. We went directly to the 33rd floor of the Sheraton hotel.  I was on my knees within 30 seconds and we sex shortly after.   I didn't follow any of "the rules".  Maybe that makes me stupid, but it also led me to find my Sir, my best friend, and the great love of my life.  Being smart doesn't necessarily mean following a certain set of rules, but instead, following your instincts.

Daddy's Ballerina, e



tsatske -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 11:07:56 AM)

yea, now I actually do have some advice. I may make someone angry - that is not my intent, and if so, I am sorry. But this is just a kind of fundemental piece of what I believe in.

You are less likely to have bad things happen to you, in general, if you see the good things more than the bad things. You are less likely to have bad things happen to you if you have a tendency to take personal responsibility, instead of just having things 'happen' to you, too. When you dovetail this with following safety rules, it comes out nicely. Now, I don't expect bad things to happen, i follow safety rules (except of course when i don't) just becuase that is what I do. I don't think it through to see how necessary it is - on the contrary, i think it through before I break them.

I can't imagine not picking up somone when I drove by them, anymore than I can imagine walking into a coffee shop for a blind date, seeing the guy and walking out. My Boisis once had a guy show up at her door, ring her bell for a blind date a friend had set the two of them up on, and when she answered the door, he looked her up and down and said he had only come by to tell her, he couldn't make their date, he had somewhere he had to be.
As far as I am concerned, she dodged a bullet. I dont behave like that to people, and I don't particularly want friends who do.
I believe everything about me that would cause some people to reject me is nothing but a filter. I'm fat, fourty, balding, crazy, and the mother of adult children, a couple of whom have mild special needs. All just filters, making it easy for me to find the right one. (and it worked, too, :) )
So I can understand your concern about being 18 and good looking and fit. You are missing some filters. I am not suggesting that you get those filters, just saying i understand how that could add to the challenge.
I can not imagine what would cause me to turn a guest out of my home to drag his luggage to the public transit stop. But, then, you didn't tell the story, and, though I can't imagine anything that would make me do that, I bet there are some things, and, since you didn't tell the story, this may well be among those things.

Most the time when things don't work out, i take a pretty positive attitude about it - how bad is it, anyway? did I get a friend out of it? - and I take responisbility for it. It was based, usually, on my choices. Such an attitude allows me to want to get out there and take chances and have adventures, but also allows me to think through the precautions i want to take, since I am going to be the one responsible for my actions.

The first guy I went to meet out of town after I owned a computer - a long, long time ago while you were sitting around playing Oregon Trail in computer class - we didn't really hit it off. He had a one bedroom apt, so for three days i slept in his bed next to him. He was nice to me and polite, and I was in return to him. We ate together, watched a movie on TV. He went out with friends and went golfing and I went around his town and enjoyed myself. He dropped me off three days later at the airport he picked me up at. I never heard from him again. No harm, no foul, nothing wrong, just didn't turn out to be the love of my life.

One Guy turned into a great friend. He drove to me, for three days, I showed him my town, and we had some very nice sex, but, we both knew we weren't a match. I have lost touch with him now, that was years and years ago, but we had a nice friendship. Most things over all don't turn out to bad, if you just take some precautions, and take responsiblity for yourself, be careful, but keep a good outlook.
try and have fun.



lizcgirl -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 11:22:02 AM)

Every person will be different and no matter how much advice you get, you'll still have to follow your gut in the end. I met my Master at my home after having talked on the phone and computer for a very short time. We share mutual friends which made it easier to trust Him but I never stopped to set up all the safety precautions even I mentioned in this thread. It worked out wonderfully, we had a great time and have been together ever since. But on the other hand, the same friend I told you about who set up all her safety nets was brutually attacked after simply walking to a car with some one in a crowded parking lot for a phone number. Shit will happen no matter how safe you are or aren't, unfortunately that's the way things go. If it makes YOU feel safer to take some one with you, go to a public place, etc etc- then do it. I still recommend just simply letting some one know where you're going and giving them a check in time that you'll call. No call= save me. Can't hurt and worse case scenerio if your Master's legit all you have to do is excuse yourself for a moment and let the safety person know everything is going great.



DesFIP -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 11:37:55 AM)

the dark, I have no problem with one person saying he or she wants to get the first meet done with inside of two weeks, that he doesn't do long online/phone relationships. I do have a problem with someone saying "you have to meet me where I say, when I say". Especially when he zoomed in on her at a time he knew she was a minor.

He isn't saying that this is what works for him, he's demanding that it work for her also. I'm a great believer in people saying that there isn't the compatibility present that they need, but that isn't the case here. Especially because she's so young, and at 18 six years is a big age difference, I think she is being manipulated.  And I hope she doesn't bring her car to the airport because I'm sure he'll demand to drive with her.

I didn't do all the safety stuff myself but I wasn't 18, and that's the difference here.



CalifChick -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 12:02:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I didn't do all the safety stuff myself but I wasn't 18, and that's the difference here.


I think that's why I've hesitated to answer the "what you have done" question.  What I do now at 44 is not what I would recommend someone do at 18.


Cali



Mercnbeth -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 12:23:36 PM)

quote:

how did you meet your master for the first time from online...etcetc...just give me input please.
thanks.
 
when this slave was your age she was on her way to the 5th...or maybe it was the 6th MD, hoping for a diagnosis/cure.  within 2 years she underwent surgery and it was recommended to have offspring RIGHT THEN, if that is what this slave ever wanted, before she was unable to later.
 
18 years later, after numerous failed attempts at vanilla relationships/marriage & the offspring were deemed old enough, this slave concluded that she would spend the rest of her life single...but definitely interested in having fun, and set about to find someone to have a good time with.
 
she wasn't looking for a "Master", or an "Owner", or "The One" when we found each other.  He was convinced there was no such thing as a "slave", for Him, having looked for 30 years, specifically for one, to no avail.
 
we crossed paths on a BDSM personals site (not this one) and met ASAP.  He drove 180 miles to a place filled with senior citizen tourists, this slave got into His car and we took backroads out into the wilderness...when we came back to civilization and found a hotel room and a good restaurant, both within walking distance of the Pacific Ocean, we enjoyed the amenities of both establishments as well as each other's company.
 
we had sex without benefit of a condom...on the first day we met, after only knowing each other existed for 2 weeks.  that was 5 years, 6 months and 17 days ago.
 
tomorrow marks the 5 year anniversary of wearing His collar and yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of our marriage.



KatyLied -> RE: Need advice- what have you girlies done? what would you do? (9/18/2008 12:29:50 PM)

What would I do?  I would plan to meet him in January and see what happens in the meantime.  I don't feel that people should be overly invested or obligated to a relationship before they've met in real time.  It just does not make any sense to me at all and it's something I've never been able to wrap my mind around. 

Life is full of risk and you need to determine for yourself what level of risk is acceptable to you.  Good luck.



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