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undergroundsea -> RE: Boys are Flakey (9/20/2008 12:46:26 PM)
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Here are thoughts from a prior discussion with some edits:
I think poofing is a human phenomenon versus one associated with any gender or role. Upon reading the thread I have been reflecting on why it occurs and here are some ideas that come to mind.
I think how a relationship fares--whether it is just beginning or has been ongoing--depends on satisfaction one derives from the relationship weighed against the energy required by the relationship. I think this balance can be dynamic and sometimes poofing occurs when this balance goes south.
I have never stood someone up for a meeting and then disappeared. However, I have been part of a dialogue that subsided where I stopped writing. I don't remember ever completely ignoring emails in a running dialogue. I have put off writing a response--sometimes for lack of interest and sometimes for simply being amidst hectic times--and either the response completely fell off the radar or so much time passed that it seemed odd to then respond. Such an occurrence does not suggest a complete lack of interest but is somewhat indicative of the level of interest at the time, and what priority that level of interest creates in comparison to all that is more immediate.
I have also had scenarios where the the time to respond increases, or the response reduces to small talk or formality versus an engaging conversation--one party is still interested and the other party is not interested at the same level and is just being polite. This sometimes occurs when the interpersonal compatibility, BDSM compatibility, or the situational compatibility (the other person is attached, not local, seeking different things, etc) appears weak and not headed in any direction. I have been at each end of this situation.
I think sometimes poofing occurs when the level of interest appears to have become assymetrical between two people and one backs away for more space, or is turned off by overeagerness.
Sometimes poofing occurs because of change in circumstances; someone curious about BDSM needs to figure out what their deal is; or perhaps someone more compatible comes into the picture.
Sometimes poofing occurs because one does not have their act together and misses a meeting not deliberately but due to carelessness, and then is too embarrassed. I was once at the receiving end of such an occurrence when I went to meet a femdom couple to screen them on behalf of a femdom group in Houston.
I think sometimes poofing occurs because one is trying to force a relationship for the sake of a relationship wanted at the expense of suppressing a feeling that the compatibility is moderate or low. Eventually, the lack of compatibility overwhelms the want to force a relationship, which causes this person to retreat. On a related note, sometimes poofing might occur because oen gets caught up in the fantasy and proceeds forward towards the fantasy until something shakes them out of the fantasy mind set (doubts about traveling across the country to meet someone about whom not enough is known, it is not a good idea for some other reason, there is not enough compatibility, this situation is not a safe one, the idea of the fantasy is erotic but is it really safe, fear or conflict about realizing the fantasy, etc).
In any case, I think poofing is usually an action that delivers a message consciously or subconsciously about the degree of interest at least at that time, and the priority this interest creates with respect to other priorities (other suitors, general life matters). While compassionate, frank communication may be a better approach, I think poofing is the easier route out and is what occurs more frequently across people. Unfortunately, I think this is the common approach in our culture--I also see similar behavior in business relationships when a customer does not wish to proceed with a purchase.
On a related note about frequency of conversation, I think sometimes it can be healthy in the early stages of a courtship for each person to not immediately respond upon reading an email (it can easily become multiple messages a day!). Frequent messages back and forth may become odd if everything else needed for that frequency of communication is not yet there. Also, when two people have been responding immediately on an on-going basis and eventually demands on time begin to catch up, the sudden departure from that routine without discussion would feel odd. Some things taste better when cooked slowly, some have the right ingredients to use high heat.
So that's my take. When at the receiving end of poofing, I just shrug and continue with my life. If someone's interest level or the way she feels has changed, that is part of life. If she pulls back or disappears then to reappear, I see what the situation means to me and respond accordingly.
Cheers,
Sea
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