quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt

I am very new at the lifestyle but have spent considerable time talking to and questioning people that are familiar with it. I recently accepted a collar.(I thought collars were for slaves? I am a Sub) After our first "session" I felt so empty and confused. To me it seemed more like being with a sadist. The "session" went fine but I need the care, passion, gentleness afterwards. Am I wrong in thinking the relationship should have both? I don't know what to do now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt

I need the care, passion, gentleness afterwards. Am I wrong in thinking the relationship should have both? I don't know what to do now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt

I am very new at the lifestyle but have spent considerable time talking to and questioning people that are familiar with it. I recently accepted a collar.(I thought collars were for slaves? I am a Sub) After our first "session" I felt so empty and confused. To me it seemed more like being with a sadist. The "session" went fine but I need the care, passion, gentleness afterwards. Am I wrong in thinking the relationship should have both? I don't know what to do now.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt

I am very new at the lifestyle but have spent considerable time talking to and questioning people that are familiar with it. I recently accepted a collar.(I thought collars were for slaves? I am a Sub) After our first "session" I felt so empty and confused. To me it seemed more like being with a sadist. The "session" went fine but I need the care, passion, gentleness afterwards. Am I wrong in thinking the relationship should have both? I don't know what to do now.

Few points here. Collars can be for any submissive... sub, slave, even switches (hmmm should that be a reversable collar?), there's no rule carved in stone anywhere about it. A collar is simply meant to symbolize the relationship, much like a wedding band, what it means to you personally is up to you to define.

You may very well be with a sadist, if you don't know then my first question to you is how well do you actually know this dominant? These are things that should have been discussed and even tried out before a commitment was made. Now there's nothing wrong with him being a sadist, some dominants are, some aren't. If you aren't a masochist he may need to reign his sadism in a bit, and if he isn't happy with that then again, how well did you two actually get to know each other before a collar became involved?

What you were missing after the session you describe is called "after care". After care serves several important functions. First its a time to make sure you are alright physically and emotionally, intense sessions can take their toll and sometimes be traumatic (that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it still very emotional and should be handled with care). After care is also a period for bonding with each other emotionally, providing you with emotional support, letting you know you've been pleasing, that you did well, etc. There's nothing wrong with the submissive going to sleep while being held by the dominant during after care, it happens. Its good to keep some water or a good sports drink handy, a warm blanket, maybe a cot nearby for aftercare. A light snack can be nice too. This isn't about pampering you or spoilling you, its just part of taking care of you and giving you a little reward for enduring the session.

So why didn't your dom do after care? I can't say, I have no idea who he is. Could be inexperience, that's easy enough to remedy if he's open minded enough to learn. Could be he's an asshole who doesn't care. Could be he was too damn exhausted himself. I dunno, wasn't there and not going to get my exercise jumping to conclusions. However, it would be a good idea for you to ask him yourself. You've got some information, talk to him about it. If he listens and things improve, great, if not you might need to consider finding a new relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt

Thank you to everyones comments. Although I am fairly new I had been with a Dom before. Unfortunatly distance became an obstacle and thats why I was looking again. This Dom did have a sadistical side but there was always "after care". It never occurred to me to ask the "new" one about it. He has been in the lifestyle for 11 years and has had 2 slaves. We had been talking 4 and 5 times a day and had met twice before so I felt totally safe accepting his "collar". But I was totally unprepared for all that went on last night. I know I need to talk to him about this but am finding myself scared to bring it up. And after reading all the comments I really belive I am with the wrong person.

quote:

ORIGINAL: girl4you2

quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt

Thank you to everyones comments. Although I am fairly new I had been with a Dom before. Unfortunatly distance became an obstacle and thats why I was looking again. This Dom did have a sadistical side but there was always "after care". It never occurred to me to ask the "new" one about it. He has been in the lifestyle for 11 years and has had 2 slaves. We had been talking 4 and 5 times a day and had met twice before so I felt totally safe accepting his "collar". But I was totally unprepared for all that went on last night. I know I need to talk to him about this but am finding myself scared to bring it up. And after reading all the comments I really belive I am with the wrong person.

it is good to read and take in the ideas of others, but the wisdom to take to heart that which is yours is for you to decide.

start with thinking about what it is that you wanted with this person, how it has changed, and why you feel scared with the idea of bringing it up. if you decide you might still have some feelings for someone who collared you, or just to clear up any misconceptions or perceptions, talk to him. you and he were the only ones there, so you and he are the ones to talk of how you felt, how he felt, how you both thought, and then bring in ideas that you have decided are important.

in future dealings, it is always a good idea to talk, talk, and talk. one person's idea of being sadistic is not the same as another's. each of us are unique, and each pairing in life is unique. make sure you have the knowledge to see the expectations and whether or not they "fit" with yours. it's never a good idea to find this sort of thing out when you can't do much about it.

i wish you well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt
***TY Padriag You have made things clearer fo me. I may just copy and paste your reply to him :) not really but I realize what and how I need to talk to him about this.***

quote:

ORIGINAL: AbstractSavant

You're not asking for much. You have a right to desire what you desire.

But part of finding your happiness is finding the right partner to share it with.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PriapicBratt

**I thought that we were going to be talking more last night but as soon as we got to where we were going....I stepped thru the door and was immediately slammed up against a wall and told we were home and on! From that point on I really had no choices. 4 hours later it ended just as abruptly. I do see now that I needed to talk alot more beforehand and be clearer on who I am and what I am looking for. I think he is just too much for me at this stage in my growing. TY** I should add that I learned to listen to the voices of experience...2 very dear and kind Doms from collarme did advise me that it was too soon for me to be with him and that he was too much for me. ANd I made the wrong choice.