RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (Full Version)

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plushiecat -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:57:13 AM)

|>>Damn, I thank god I'm a Dom.  Because I'd just make a smart ass remark back at them put them in >>their place and move on with day to day life.

What, those that ID as subs can't do that?  I sure would



seababy -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:35:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HotFaerieMama

a good friend of mine. said to me the other day ( on yim) " what would happen if i took ownership of you by force of will alone?" and this scared me and i cried. i immediately told my Master who has since then spoken with my friend. i am very upset because i trusted my friend. and thought that he would respect the fact that i am collared. i'm not sure why he said this or what his original intentions were. i am not questioning the friendship and i am very hurt.

my question is. why would someone say something like that to someone who they know is collared ? my friend tried to claim it was a joke... but i know better. and so does he.

if anyone can help me sort this out i'd appreciate it 

Is this friend someone you know offline? Do you feel like your physically unsafe? Then telling your Master , well done good call.

If this is a online... I have a picture of some guy staring at his computer screen "willing" his ownership over you.
Kind of ridiculous really. (And wishful fantasy thinking on his part.) Well a guy can hope I guess.

Should he have said that too you? Well no.
Why did he say this? Well I'd say (wild guess) he was really horny at the time and testing the waters?

Disappointing that someone you thought was a friend tried to take advantage, but unless we are talking physical force (?) I bet in the right frame of mind you could handle this calmly and with class.
Doms don't have magic powers (Do they?), your not helpless under your submissive nature (unless you keep telling yourself that enough).

Draw your boundary and if you need to practice quietly asserting yourself then having these things happen is your opportunity to strengthen that area in your life.

Good Luck

Cheers Sea




Aileen1968 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:37:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HotFaerieMama

a good friend of mine. said to me the other day ( on yim) " what would happen if i took ownership of you by force of will alone?" and this scared me and i cried. i immediately told my Master who has since then spoken with my friend. i am very upset because i trusted my friend. and thought that he would respect the fact that i am collared. i'm not sure why he said this or what his original intentions were. i am not questioning the friendship and i am very hurt.

my question is. why would someone say something like that to someone who they know is collared ? my friend tried to claim it was a joke... but i know better. and so does he.

if anyone can help me sort this out i'd appreciate it 


I'd tell them to fuck off.



HotFaerieMama -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:41:41 AM)

..... i've decided to stop talking to my friend.. and no i am not weak.. i can stand up for myself.. i have a backbone.. its just that...  i never thought that my friend.. would do something like that to me... but he did and i can't change it... it was a bit of a shock... and yes there's some history there.. i'm not going into who or what because i don't want to start any fights... i wasn't looking for someone to tell me i need a backbone.. i was just looking for some support.... as none of my close friends really knew what to say other than to stop talking to the guy.....





LadyLupineNYC -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:44:37 AM)

I keep coming back to this because while it might seem a little 'odd' that someone could be so creeped out by mere words on a screen, I have been there:

About two years ago I was chatting online with one of those thorn in the side subs who I had played with off an on the few months before. Long story short, he is not getting what he wants from me (reactions I suppose) during the conversations and so begin to tell me how he was going to come over and carve his name into my thigh. I told him that was fine; the cops (mind you, he was a cop) would have no problem finding him.

My future slave was still in Iraq at the time and I happened to also being IMing with him at the same time. He was mortified. The boy was desperate to somehow find his way to NYC like RIGHT NOW to protect me. I assured him, I would be fine.

And it was; point is, that while I really didn't believe him, even though he knew where I lived etc, there was just something about it that was....well....disturbing. So I understand the OP's reactions, while mine were not the same, I did feel that shadow of the 'uncanny' around me the rest of the night.

PS, here it is two years later and that cop still IMs me looking for 'serve'. Yeah. Right.



JewAndCelt -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:54:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HotFaerieMama

..... i've decided to stop talking to my friend.. and no i am not weak.. i can stand up for myself.. i have a backbone.. its just that...  i never thought that my friend.. would do something like that to me... but he did and i can't change it... it was a bit of a shock... and yes there's some history there.. i'm not going into who or what because i don't want to start any fights... i wasn't looking for someone to tell me i need a backbone.. i was just looking for some support.... ...as none of my close friends really knew what to say other than to stop talking to the guy..





Maybe your friends were right?

I gather your definition of 'support' is something along the lines of 'what I want to hear'.

The truth hurts sometimes, and believe you me it's a difficult lesson we each have to learn.




mistoferin -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 8:15:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
but in this case, as in many others, you can't go wrong by informing your Keeper about what happened, and having hir deal with things as xhe prefers.


Maybe I'm weird but I just can not imagine taking some trivial drama crap like this to Sir and expecting him to take the responsibility of dealing with it and fixing it. Then again I can't imagine having this kind of drama crap in my life and viewing it as a real problem that would be of such importance that it would upset me either. Nor can I imagine what Sir would think of me if I did.

Why is it though that anyone would think it is ok to dump the responsibility for this kind of stuff onto a dominant? Why is there an expectation that dominants are responsible to save us and protect us if we are lacking in maturity sufficient enough to interact like adults? What purpose would having a dominant step in and "handle" such an issue serve? Wouldn't it be far better if that dominant made it clear that we are responsible and accountable for our own actions and interactions in the world and that they expect us to act and interact in mature and responsible ways? Wouldn't it be far better if they made it clear that they expect that if we make a mess we will be expected to clean it up ourselves?



VirginPotty -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 8:25:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HotFaerieMama

..... i've decided to stop talking to my friend.. and no i am not weak.. i can stand up for myself.. i have a backbone..


Sorry, I don't see it. (the backbone)  Why would you cry?  If online words scare you, I'm sorry, but that doesn't happen to folks w/a backbone.  Get over it & move on.



DesFIP -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 1:05:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

And it was; point is, that while I really didn't believe him, even though he knew where I lived etc, there was just something about it that was....well....disturbing. So I understand the OP's reactions, while mine were not the same, I did feel that shadow of the 'uncanny' around me the rest of the night.



I agree that other people can say, or IM, things that creep you out.
I also agree that there's more than one person who can put out the dominant vibes that I tune into.

However, him putting them out, and me going momentarily "ooh ooh" doesn't mean I have to do the wrong thing. I can take those feelings to the person I am involved with.

I can have feelings; either submissive or weird, without acting on them. I can respond appropriately even if my feelings aren't in accord with my brain. That I think is what is irritating many of us, that the op did not let her brain overrule the response of her emotions.



Lashra -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 1:24:47 PM)

He can't take that which isn't willing to follow. So some part of you maybe frightened that you would want to go. Just a thought.

~Lashra



Usako -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 1:47:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HotFaerieMama

..... i've decided to stop talking to my friend.. and no i am not weak.. i can stand up for myself.. i have a backbone.. its just that...  i never thought that my friend.. would do something like that to me... but he did and i can't change it... it was a bit of a shock... and yes there's some history there.. i'm not going into who or what because i don't want to start any fights... i wasn't looking for someone to tell me i need a backbone.. i was just looking for some support.... as none of my close friends really knew what to say other than to stop talking to the guy.....


I seriously can't believe you cried over this nonsense and I can't believe this has turned into 3 pages of drama. Honestly, it sounded like a joke to me. I joke with my friends all the time.

And looking for support about what? Some person on the scary internet said something and you took it way too seriously and now need what...therapy?

Maybe you're leaving out bits and pieces of this story but this seems like a lot of over reaction over one statement in text.



kiwisub12 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 2:03:12 PM)

I have to say that i am really impressed - i have never met anyone that could make me do something i didn't want to do just by force of will!  Now if they had a cane in their hand i could see , but force of will?

Sweetie - you need to take some iron pills 'cause you are deficit in your will if someone can look at you and say "come" and you do. If you really are dedicated to your Sir, then prove it, take care of yourself, and tell your friend that he isn't funny and don't do it again! If he doesn't abide by your wishes, give him the go-bye. 

see - easy. [:D]



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 2:18:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Maybe I'm weird but I just can not imagine taking some trivial drama crap like this to Sir and expecting him to take the responsibility of dealing with it and fixing it. Then again I can't imagine having this kind of drama crap in my life and viewing it as a real problem that would be of such importance that it would upset me either. Nor can I imagine what Sir would think of me if I did.

Why is it though that anyone would think it is ok to dump the responsibility for this kind of stuff onto a dominant? Why is there an expectation that dominants are responsible to save us and protect us if we are lacking in maturity sufficient enough to interact like adults? What purpose would having a dominant step in and "handle" such an issue serve? Wouldn't it be far better if that dominant made it clear that we are responsible and accountable for our own actions and interactions in the world and that they expect us to act and interact in mature and responsible ways? Wouldn't it be far better if they made it clear that they expect that if we make a mess we will be expected to clean it up ourselves?


Actually, -I- am the one who thinks it's ok (and even preferred) for the s-types I deal with to dump this kind of stuff onto me. That's what I'm there for. I don't have an issue with one of my s-types being overwhelmed, or scared, or pissed, or not knowing -what- to feel and coming to me with it.

-I- expect that I am responsible to save and protect my s-types, even if they -are- the kind of people who are uncomfortable "standing up for themselves" or who prefer to have someone else fight their battles for them. I -don't- see this as an imposition... I see it as something I agreed to when I accepted responsibility for them.

I make sure my servants know that they're responsible for their actions -- and I -also- let them know that "when in doubt, bring it to me." I don't see this as a sign of incompetence. I see it as a valid expression of a relationship where I am in control and I am there if they need this from me as an aspect of that relationship.

Some of the s-types that we've had in the household prefer to handle things like this themselves... but I don't see it as either wrong or an imposition for someone to -not- feel comfortable dealing with everything themselves.

To me, this was the perfect opportunity to establish a precedent in the relationship. The s-type didn't know how to handle the situation... I would want one of mine, in this situation, to discuss it with me, and then either let me handle it, proceed according to the rules I set down OR proceed according to the discussion we had about it, if it turned out to be something that xhe just needed the security of some back-up and a little information to handle on her own.

Situations like this were the impetus for the "playing to your strengths/weaknesses" thread.

Calla Firestorm



mistoferin -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 2:58:30 PM)

I wasn't meaning that I think it's inappropriate for an "s" type to go to their dominant and ask them how to deal with something. But I really do believe that it is more important for that dominant to "teach" them how to deal with the things they don't understand than to just "do" it for them. If no one ever bothers to teach them how what will they do should they ever find themself alone or on their own? I mean no one lives forever and you could die tomorrow. If I had always done everything for my children and never tried to teach them how to do it themselves, make mistakes, even fall flat on their face.....can you imagine the kind of people they would be today?



kiwisub12 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 3:04:14 PM)

What she said [sm=goodpost.gif]



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 3:12:11 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I wasn't meaning that I think it's inappropriate for an "s" type to go to their dominant and ask them how to deal with something. But I really do believe that it is more important for that dominant to "teach" them how to deal with the things they don't understand than to just "do" it for them. If no one ever bothers to teach them how what will they do should they ever find themself alone or on their own? I mean no one lives forever and you could die tomorrow. If I had always done everything for my children and never tried to teach them how to do it themselves, make mistakes, even fall flat on their face.....can you imagine the kind of people they would be today?


I consider this somewhat of a spurious argument. Many people learn by methods that don't necessarily require that they experience something themselves -- otherwise, lessons in history, etc., would be useless. At the same time, there are some things that a person may be unable to learn, no matter how much 'hands on' experience they have... painting, double-entry bookkeeping, and knitting are good examples in my case--I've been taught any number of techniques and practiced for many hours. I have the -desire- (ok, I -had- the desire) to learn, but absolutely NO skill at it, no matter how many different people and methods I was exposed to.

I think it is possible for the s-types who come to me with these things to learn through seeing how I handle the situation OR by being 'talked through' the situation. Sometimes, all they need is for me to say "it's ok to be afraid... I'm here if you mess up, so go ahead and give it a try."

I don't think it is possible to live -without- learning... I also don't believe that it is necessary to have to fall down and skin one's knee in order to learn to ride a bike. Trikes and training wheels are just as effective, and provide some balance until the rider can 'catch hir balance'.

Calla Firestorm



Aileen1968 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 3:37:20 PM)

*fast reply*
This all just perpetuates the mythical stereotype that submissives are helpless little creatures just waiting for their knight in shining armor to come and rescue them from the big bad dom. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:04:45 PM)

Erin- I think this connects beautifully to the whole weak vs strength topics we've been having lately.

Our OP is weak, that's fine.  What's not fine is that she doesn't openly admit her weakness and take precautions to either avoid situations which will exploit her weakness or have a clear flowchart of what to do when that weakness IS exploited.

If a master takes a slave and knows "She's really weak in this area" then it IS their responsibility to work together and find a balance so that they both can lead happy functional lives.

The issue here is not that she is weak, but that they have not formed a solid plan on how to deal with the weakness together.

Yes, I find it distasteful that someone puts any energy into what an online dork says, and I cringe at the idea of making my partner have to deal with someone I find so worthless.  On the other hand, I can't stand post offices, so my partner almost always is the one to get the mail, send out the mail, check and send packages and do all that regular mail stuff.  It's a weakness of mine and he compensates for it.



LushLadyLilith -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:13:36 PM)

It strikes me that this sounds like a Post-traumatic Stress Disorder-type reaction- especially feeling so helpless when you could just tell the person to F/O or to block them.
 
Just something to consider.
 
LILITH



kiwisub12 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:15:12 PM)

Good point LA.   Perhapes the OP has bought into the myth that all submissives are strong individuals that can care for themselves, but choose to submit. If this is so, she needs to do some self examination and figure out her weaknesses and strengths, and plan for that - as you said. I hadn't considered the fact that maybe she is on the far end of the curve of subby strenght.  
Of course, she does consider herself "strong", so perhapes the real issue here is self knowledge, and how to get it.



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