RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate?

RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (Full Version)

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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:55:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 I dont think its disdain. I do have problems understanding someone who is collared that can be used without her Masters approval. My master would not want me to be available to anyone and everyone. Perhaps the problem is that her Master didn't -know- he was getting a young lady who needed so much from him... maybe because she'd been inculcated to think that s-types weren't supposed to need, and were supposed to be strong and tough and self-directed, so that was how she presented herself. As I said... I find out early on about my 'needy' ones, and make sure they're not put in positions where they might accidentally become 'damaged goods' because of my neglect in seeing to their sheltering. CFB

CalifChick -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:02:36 PM)
Perhaps not so much anger and disdain as incredulousness. What would someone do if someone honked angrily at them in traffic? What would someone do if a stranger glared at them? What would someone do if the grocery clerk looked down their nose at them for using food stamps? What would someone do if someone said, "I could make you mine by sheer will alone and steal you away from who you're with now"? All seems about the same level of problem. That is what is incredulous. Cali

KatyLied -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:05:09 PM)
quote: What would someone do if someone said, "I could make you mine by sheer will alone and steal you away from who you're with now"? Laugh. Ignore. Laugh again. Maybe share the pm's with friends for more laughs. The end!

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:26:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Perhaps not so much anger and disdain as incredulousness. What would someone do if someone honked angrily at them in traffic? What would someone do if a stranger glared at them? What would someone do if the grocery clerk looked down their nose at them for using food stamps? What would someone do if someone said, "I could make you mine by sheer will alone and steal you away from who you're with now"? All seems about the same level of problem. That is what is incredulous. Cali I know some pretty competent women who break down and cry when flipped off in heavy traffic. I've known some generally commanding people who spent an hour in the bathroom trying to figure out what they did wrong because someone gave them a dirty look at a class reunion. I've felt like crap myself when a grocery store clerk in Atlanta announced to the entire store that I didn't have enough food stamps for my baby food when my ex and I were going through hard times, and yes, it brought me to -tears-, and I had a few moments where I was terrified out of my MIND that I wasn't going to be able to do any better than we were right then. Put -any- person under the right kind of stress and there's a chance that xhe'll buckle. Even the strongest of us may crumble at a weak spot. Perhaps you've never been hit somewhere that made you weak in the knees and left you questioning whether you'd ever be able to stand up again. I've been through it several times... the time I mentioned above, when I found out I had cancer, when I found out that my immune issues were unresolveable and that I had irreparable organ damage that would shorten my lifespan, and when 2 of our mates died within 6 months of each other. The fact that I was eventually able to pull myself up and stand again is -purely- a matter of having the nature that I do, and I wouldn't fault someone else for being overwhelmed beyond recovery by -any one- of these things, or even being honked at in a traffic jam after a really crappy day at work. My Darling and I leaned on one another -- we're lucky. I'll tell you something, though. As strong as I am, I really don't know that I could have gotten through all of this alone. Does that make me weak? So how can I possibly judge someone else when the world becomes too much for them? CFB

mistoferin -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:41:16 PM)
There is a huge difference between someone who momentarily gets the wind knocked out of them and reaches out for help to get back up and someone who can't figure out how to breathe unless someone is holding their hand and telling them it's ok. There is a huge difference between "I can't" and "I really don't want to". I also believe that a person CAN be taught to get a backbone. That teaching can be the "tough love" variety....or it can be the "build you up" variety. I wasn't born tough and independent. I was taught to be that way. Just like everyone else who can function on their own. Actually, as a young child I was quite the opposite. My mom tells me I was a born worrier, always caring about the starving kids in Biafra, always worrying if the sun was really going to come up tomorrow, always tearing up at the slightest thought of anything sad. A complete emotional mess of a child. But growing up poor and Irish on the streets of Brooklyn, THAT was not to be tolerated. There, if you lost a fight and ran home crying, you were likely to get your tail kicked in again for losing. Strength and your ability to function independently was valued. Being weak and needy was not.

CalifChick -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:43:00 PM)
That's adding a whole lot of other circumstances that weren't present in the OP. I was going by the OP. No one said anything about having a bad day, having an illness, being at the end of their rope, etc. Of course there are times when something can find you dissolving into tears. Without having the OP mention any of those things, I won't presume that it is any more complicated than originally stated. Cali

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 7:59:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin There is a huge difference between someone who momentarily gets the wind knocked out of them and reaches out for help to get back up and someone who can't figure out how to breathe unless someone is holding their hand and telling them it's ok. There is a huge difference between "I can't" and "I really don't want to". I also believe that a person CAN be taught to get a backbone. That teaching can be the "tough love" variety....or it can be the "build you up" variety. I wasn't born tough and independent. I was taught to be that way. Just like everyone else who can function on their own. Actually, as a young child I was quite the opposite. My mom tells me I was a born worrier, always caring about the starving kids in Biafra, always worrying if the sun was really going to come up tomorrow, always tearing up at the slightest thought of anything sad. A complete emotional mess of a child. But growing up poor and Irish on the streets of Brooklyn, THAT was not to be tolerated. There, if you lost a fight and ran home crying, you were likely to get your tail kicked in again for losing. Strength and your ability to function independently was valued. Being weak and needy was not. I completely agree with this. I dont think its paricularly healthy for a person to not have any boundaries. not knowing where the line stops. In how they invade others and how others invade them. Likely the OP and the "friend" are playinbg 2 sides of the coin displaying lack of boundaries. Its a matter of respect for others and self respect.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 8:08:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin There is a huge difference between someone who momentarily gets the wind knocked out of them and reaches out for help to get back up and someone who can't figure out how to breathe unless someone is holding their hand and telling them it's ok. There is a huge difference between "I can't" and "I really don't want to". I also believe that a person CAN be taught to get a backbone. That teaching can be the "tough love" variety....or it can be the "build you up" variety. I wasn't born tough and independent. I was taught to be that way. Just like everyone else who can function on their own. Actually, as a young child I was quite the opposite. My mom tells me I was a born worrier, always caring about the starving kids in Biafra, always worrying if the sun was really going to come up tomorrow, always tearing up at the slightest thought of anything sad. A complete emotional mess of a child. But growing up poor and Irish on the streets of Brooklyn, THAT was not to be tolerated. There, if you lost a fight and ran home crying, you were likely to get your tail kicked in again for losing. Strength and your ability to function independently was valued. Being weak and needy was not. I completely agree with this. I dont think its paricularly healthy for a person to not have any boundaries, not knowing where the line stops In how they invade others and how others invade them. Likely the OP and the "friend" are playing 2 sides of the coin displaying lack of boundaries. Its a matter of respect for others and self respect.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 9:44:49 PM)
Just because a person CAN learn to be strong and not dependent, does it mean they should? Are they bad and wasteful if they do not? At what point is it ok to say "You're weak here, I'm strong here, depend on me for this"?

velvetears -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 12:31:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CruelDesires What I find interesting is the disdain and anger shown to the "weak ones" who post looking for help. shrugs C-D Me too.

sillyslaveboy -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 1:13:01 AM)
On the OP. Apart from everything else, i really dislike that the Master got involved in the whole thing (as he spoke to the boy) although the boy didn't do anything in particular. i would certainly share with the M what happened, but if i was M i would consider it under my honor to speak with the boy. i would through do everything to make girl be and feel safer, just in case. Well.. if the boy tried anything, i would not need to speak to him either. So, in general i would protect my property the best i can, but would prefer to let her and him clear up the things between themselves on their own. Then again.. i'm just a slave. :)

christine1 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 1:36:13 AM)
just a slave? please, give yourself more credit!

pixidustpet -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 2:28:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 How the heck does a jelly-for-bones sub-type exist outside of a relationship? I have recently read a couple of posts from subs-with-jelly-for-bones that indicate that they are incapable of saying no if someone wants them to be a sex toy. How do they live in the real world where people take advantage where ever and when ever they can? Are they only this way in a relationship, or are they this way all the time? They would seem to be too submissive to live effectively in this world. its VERY fucking difficult. hi, my name is kitten and i'm a jelly-for-bones sub-type. which is also a good part why i stayed in an abusive marriage for 10 years. cause he kept telling me i wouldnt find anyone else who would take my ugly stupid ass. and why i stayed in a less abusive (no physical abuse, lots of neglect and emotional abuse) marriage for 16 years, because first husband was right, and no one else would want me. i can deal with the stoopids in the IM cause i have been told directly "if this happens, this is what you do". i can deal with some other things because, again, i have been given direct tools in how to get to the other side of the situation. i can manage household stuff. i have difficulties with anything that has too many steps. part of it is my personality, part of it is cumulative brain damage (some physical, some emotional) from bad relationships, effects of illness, and getting older. my life has literally gone from living in an abusive home as a young person, to being married at 18 to a ruthless bastard, to existing with friends for a couple of months (i managed to work, but i wasnt living), to being married to second husband, to living with TheEngineer. and yeah, i need a leash at times, i really do. i can manage by myself. i dont feel like i'm "real" by myself. that's my personal experience. it aint pretty but it is true. kitten

mistoferin -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 2:41:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross At what point is it ok to say "You're weak here, I'm strong here, depend on me for this"? LA, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Actually, it's what makes a nicely balanced relationship. The problem comes in when a person is weak across the board and can not function through a routine day.

simpleplan2 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 2:44:30 AM)
In fact, I'd even go so far as to say a lot of that is incorporated into D/s in one aspect or another; however, I agree with mist...one should be able to function thru a routine day or shut down a im session. Notice I said should, not must.

CruelDesires -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 7:34:32 AM)
Shutting down an IM session was not the OP's issue. Being betrayed by someone she trusted as a friend and with whom she obviously had feelings for is. Some who walk this path are more pliant and have a more easily swayed personality then others. What I was commenting on was the way others see that in a person and berate them and belittle them for that. Maybe they are angry in something they see in that person that they wish they could be? Maybe they think that person is unhealthy and project their values on them? This behavior is interesting and I have been pondering it recently. C-D

RCdc -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 7:49:00 AM)
It is upsetting when someone betrays your trust and friendship. I might blub too, depending on the person and friendship. The best thig you can do is tell the person that this was a big deal, that you didn't see it as light hearted and that you will not be letting it happen again. That if the friendship means anything to them, they will respect that. Then just see how it goes in the future. Hopefully, they will get the point that it was unacceptable and apologise and not let it occur again. the.dark.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 8:06:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CruelDesires Shutting down an IM session was not the OP's issue. Being betrayed by someone she trusted as a friend and with whom she obviously had feelings for is. Some who walk this path are more pliant and have a more easily swayed personality then others. What I was commenting on was the way others see that in a person and berate them and belittle them for that. Maybe they are angry in something they see in that person that they wish they could be? Maybe they think that person is unhealthy and project their values on them? This behavior is interesting and I have been pondering it recently. C-D I was talking with someone about this last evening, and the comment was made that perhaps some of the irritation comes out of the concern that if an s-type is accepted as being of the docile, passive, and/or jelly-bones type, that folks might start thinking that -all- s-types are that way... you know, back to the days of "Kneel before me, because you're submissive!" Much like feminism, it was brought up to me that a significant portion of the s-type population has spent a great deal of time explaining that they don't submit to just anyone, and that submissive does not equal weak, that when the s-types show up who -would- submit to anyone who knew what to do with it, and who do -need- that kind of direct management and the protective exoskeleton of a d-type (even in the vanilla world) to be able to manage, it seems like its thrown off at least a decade of 'progress'. My thing comes down to being authentic. To me, it is cruel to 'shape' someone into something that they are not constitutionally adapted to become, just because -I- am uncomfortable with what they are. "Tough love" that requires a gentle, docile, emotionally open, and caring person to become callous, hard, emotionally stifled, and merciless strikes me as being akin to abuse. Sure -- it can be done... but just because something -can- be done doesn't mean it -should- be done... especially if it means abridging the very nature of the person that we are professing to care for. Calla Firestorm

HotFaerieMama -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 8:29:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 i feel the need to say something here.... i understand that some of You have very very strong characters...As do i....now...But, i must tell You that there are a great many dynamics of this particular relationship You are unaware of. Particularly this person being a complete and utter sociopath. {He has this way.....Of convincing people that they can not live without him...i don't know how else to explain it}. And i'm not exagerating when i use that word. Please go easy on HFM, as it's only been within the last little while that i was able to actually succesfully block this person from my IM. Kali thank you Kalista for saying that.. i really do appreciate it. and you're right.. its hard to explain.. but now that i'm looking back on everything that's happened between me and him... its all starting to make sense.... blocking him was a bit eaiser as i hadn't spoken to him in ages.. but all that time... i still wonder.. what his intentions are...

KatyLied -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/23/2008 10:01:55 AM)
Let's frame it another way. Every moment you spend trying to figure out his motivations are moments that you give him authority over you. Do you really want to do that?

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