RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate?

RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (Full Version)

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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:26:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Erin- I think this connects beautifully to the whole weak vs strength topics we've been having lately. Our OP is weak, that's fine. What's not fine is that she doesn't openly admit her weakness and take precautions to either avoid situations which will exploit her weakness or have a clear flowchart of what to do when that weakness IS exploited. If a master takes a slave and knows "She's really weak in this area" then it IS their responsibility to work together and find a balance so that they both can lead happy functional lives. The issue here is not that she is weak, but that they have not formed a solid plan on how to deal with the weakness together. Yes, I find it distasteful that someone puts any energy into what an online dork says, and I cringe at the idea of making my partner have to deal with someone I find so worthless. On the other hand, I can't stand post offices, so my partner almost always is the one to get the mail, send out the mail, check and send packages and do all that regular mail stuff. It's a weakness of mine and he compensates for it. Exactly -- and that's why I suggested that, since she -has- a Master, she bring this to him. That way, they can formulate a plan, and figure out a way to not only deal with -this- situation, but have something in place in the event that this (or something like it) comes up in the future. That is one thing that I ask of my s-types, and one reason that I observe them closely for a while after they've come on board with me. I want to make sure that they understand that I consider part of my "job" to be assuring their safety... including figuring out who is fighting which battles. On a completely different tack where this issue is concerned, I think that, if it were one of my s-types involved in the situation, even if xhe -did- handle the initial onslaught on hir own, I would step in and have words with this man -- and I would do so because I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure that my s-types and those who mess with them know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are within the shelter of my collar and my protections. In messing with my property, they are messing with me, as surely as if they were keying my car, using my snake as a bullwhip, or stepping on my roses, and I won't put up with that, which is -also- something that a person who has only marginal grasp of boundaries like the d-type in question here needs to know. wink So I'd make sure I taught him, just on General Principles. Calla Firestorm

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:33:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 fast reply This all just perpetuates the mythical stereotype that submissives are helpless little creatures just waiting for their knight in shining armor to come and rescue them from the big bad dom. And some of them are, and that's OK. Some of us =like= to be the Knight (or Dame) in Shining Armor, and don't mind having s-types who give me the opportunity to ride my white charger and come to their rescue... in fact, add that to my list of preferred kinks. grins There is a place in the BDSM world for the strong s-type, who only yields to Hir One and carries the world like Atlas... There is also a place for the s-type who has jelly for bones, who is malleable and tractable, and whose strength comes from the d-type at hir side. For me, I guess that puts me in the latter category. Calla Firestorm

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:42:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 Good point LA. Perhapes the OP has bought into the myth that all submissives are strong individuals that can care for themselves, but choose to submit. If this is so, she needs to do some self examination and figure out her weaknesses and strengths, and plan for that - as you said. I hadn't considered the fact that maybe she is on the far end of the curve of subby strenght. Of course, she does consider herself "strong", so perhapes the real issue here is self knowledge, and how to get it. I just wanted to toss out there that when human beings are confronted with accusations (in this case, sentiments like 'get a backbone' or "don't be a whiny weakling"), even humans that know that they exhibit the characteristics that are being maligned will be quick to say "That's not me! I'm NOT a weakling." This is why I believe it is so important to not -only- have self-knowledge, but to be aware of how the things that we say to one another perpetuate concepts that alienate others and prevent them from feeling comfortable acknowledging their authentic selves. Calla Firestorm

CalifChick -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:47:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW There is also a place for the s-type who has jelly for bones, who is malleable and tractable, and whose strength comes from the d-type at hir side. For me, I guess that puts me in the latter category. Well I would hope Miss or Mister Jelly-for-Bones has a dominant who is smart enough to monitor their instant messenger use more closely than that which we've seen so far, if they let them use an instant messenger at all. It certainly seems like more than they can handle. Cali

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 4:57:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Well I would hope Miss or Mister Jelly-for-Bones has a dominant who is smart enough to monitor their instant messenger use more closely than that which we've seen so far, if they let them use an instant messenger at all. It certainly seems like more than they can handle. Cali You're right -- which brings up a couple of other issues. I couldn't consider having an s-type like this in a long-distance relationship. There are -entirely- too many ways things could go wrong... and I -would- be monitoring things like email, IM, board posts, etc., and monitoring which places xhe was participating in and what kind of behavior and responses were cropping up--and yes, for some, even denying certain mediums like IM (especially if repeat problems cropped up). Again, to me, this isn't an imposition... it's part of the job, and I think that it is a matter of naivete to think that one can keep an s-type that like 's-jelly-for-bones' without taking on these aspects... or without expecting that neglecting the fine points will lead to an eventual crisis. (Just like routine maintenance on the car -- skip it, and you eventually pay 3x what it would have cost just to go get the oil and air filter changed.) CFB

kiwisub12 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 5:28:22 PM)
How the heck does a jelly-for-bones sub-type exist outside of a relationship? I have recently read a couple of posts from subs-with-jelly-for-bones that indicate that they are incapable of saying no if someone wants them to be a sex toy. How do they live in the real world where people take advantage where ever and when ever they can? Are they only this way in a relationship, or are they this way all the time? They would seem to be too submissive to live effectively in this world.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 5:31:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 How the heck does a jelly-for-bones sub-type exist outside of a relationship? I have recently read a couple of posts from subs-with-jelly-for-bones that indicate that they are incapable of saying no if someone wants them to be a sex toy. How do they live in the real world where people take advantage where ever and when ever they can? Are they only this way in a relationship, or are they this way all the time? They would seem to be too submissive to live effectively in this world. What does the master say about this "jelly for bones" mentality? My Master would not allow this. I am his and unless he indicated a desire to see me be someone elses fuck toy, he would expect me to have some self control and respect for his ownership.

Kalista07 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 5:38:16 PM)
i feel the need to say something here.... i understand that some of You have very very strong characters...As do i....now...But, i must tell You that there are a great many dynamics of this particular relationship You are unaware of. Particularly this person being a complete and utter sociopath. {He has this way.....Of convincing people that they can not live without him...i don't know how else to explain it}. And i'm not exagerating when i use that word. Please go easy on HFM, as it's only been within the last little while that i was able to actually succesfully block this person from my IM. Kali

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 5:47:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 How the heck does a jelly-for-bones sub-type exist outside of a relationship? I have recently read a couple of posts from subs-with-jelly-for-bones that indicate that they are incapable of saying no if someone wants them to be a sex toy. How do they live in the real world where people take advantage where ever and when ever they can? Are they only this way in a relationship, or are they this way all the time? They would seem to be too submissive to live effectively in this world. Unfortunately, more than a few of them knuckle under to someone, try to 'do it themselves' and live up to other people's expectations for them to be 'independent' and end up in an unhealthy relationship (or several). Sometimes they're fortunate, they express their authentic selves, and someone -recognizes- their issues, and they end up with someone who sets ground rules (with or without being involved in WIITWD). Sometimes, they depend on their parents, minister, or some other authority figure to give them the 'backup' to stay out of trouble. Most of the folks like this that I've known over the years -haven't- been in BDSM or D/s relationships. They've been married, had jobs, lived with their parents, or had friends/family fix them up with a spouse. Some of those relationships have worked out, and some have been pretty abusive. It's not any different in the 'common' world than it is inside the D/s or BDSM community. Maybe it's just me, but I think people -are- what they -are-. It isn't a question of 'is this the right way to be?'... if they're authentic, then it is just the way that person is. Why should they have to pretend to be something they're not just so someone -else- doesn't have to be uncomfortable? Some people are just not socially powerful, self-directed, etc. Some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. Some people are clumsy, or socially inept. Some people are stunningly physically attractive or intellectually intimidating. People are what they are. It doesn't bother me to carry someone who is having trouble making their way through life on their own... in fact, I -like- it. Xhe ain't heavy.... and all that. Calla Firestorm

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 5:51:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 What does the master say about this "jelly for bones" mentality? My Master would not allow this. I am his and unless he indicated a desire to see me be someone elses fuck toy, he would expect me to have some self control and respect for his ownership. And for a jelly-for-bones of mine, I'd make sure that xhe wasn't put in situations where xhe might 'soil my property' by following her nature. I'm not selfish by nature, but I -do- prefer to discriminate about who I share my property -with-... but if I leave my cabinets open, I can't complain when the candy disappears... so I make sure the chocolate is out of sight and kept away from becoming a temptation to those who may have no sense of personal boundaries. To my mind, any d-type who would make this kind of threat isn't someone I'd allow in my house, since I don't tend to associate with people who can't respect other people's belongings and personal space... and that is what -this- d-type has to say about it.

mistoferin -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 5:59:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW You're right -- which brings up a couple of other issues. I couldn't consider having an s-type like this in a long-distance relationship. There are -entirely- too many ways things could go wrong... and I -would- be monitoring things like email, IM, board posts, etc., and monitoring which places xhe was participating in and what kind of behavior and responses were cropping up--and yes, for some, even denying certain mediums like IM (especially if repeat problems cropped up). Again, to me, this isn't an imposition... it's part of the job, and I think that it is a matter of naivete to think that one can keep an s-type that like 's-jelly-for-bones' without taking on these aspects... or without expecting that neglecting the fine points will lead to an eventual crisis. (Just like routine maintenance on the car -- skip it, and you eventually pay 3x what it would have cost just to go get the oil and air filter changed.) Who in the name of all that is holy has time to babysit, handhold, monitor or wipe the drool off of the chin of their adult partner every waking minute of the day....and more importantly, why in the hell would anyone want to? Unless of course, it ensured that they always feel needed and keeps their position up there on the pedestal secure. To me it does not seem to fit what I think of as a power exchange relationship if there is no "power" on one end. It seems a lot more energy sucking....like a parasite on a host situation. Oh believe me, I understand the attraction of innocence and naivity can be cute once in a while...but I would starve in such a situation. I need the stimulation of someone who is intelligent, articulate and capable. I don't have time in my life or room in my head. I guess it's a good thing that there are people in the world who like to be the "teachers" and the "coddlers" or I am sure there would be a lot of lonely people stumbling through life. But wow....I just can't imagine going through life with someone by my side who was more like an anchor than a sail. On a personal note, if someone has some sort of issue with me and sends someone else to fight that battle....they both go down a whole bunch of notches in my book. I don't have much respect for someone who can't come to me, eye to eye to discuss something that was obviously between us in the first place. I have even less respect for the savior who rushes in to threaten me or "persuade" me to change my perspective and most likely I would not give them the time of day, much less my actual attention. As for the OP's original situation....that man would be smart to pray that I DID ask my dominant to take care of it for me. He is much more fair and patient than myself. He'd still likely rip his balls off IF it came down to it whereas I probably wouldn't have the patience to wait until it did come down to it.

CruelDesires -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:02:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 How the heck does a jelly-for-bones sub-type exist outside of a relationship? I have recently read a couple of posts from subs-with-jelly-for-bones that indicate that they are incapable of saying no if someone wants them to be a sex toy. How do they live in the real world where people take advantage where ever and when ever they can? Are they only this way in a relationship, or are they this way all the time? They would seem to be too submissive to live effectively in this world. Unfortunately, more than a few of them knuckle under to someone, try to 'do it themselves' and live up to other people's expectations for them to be 'independent' and end up in an unhealthy relationship (or several). Sometimes they're fortunate, they express their authentic selves, and someone -recognizes- their issues, and they end up with someone who sets ground rules (with or without being involved in WIITWD). Sometimes, they depend on their parents, minister, or some other authority figure to give them the 'backup' to stay out of trouble. Most of the folks like this that I've known over the years -haven't- been in BDSM or D/s relationships. They've been married, had jobs, lived with their parents, or had friends/family fix them up with a spouse. Some of those relationships have worked out, and some have been pretty abusive. It's not any different in the 'common' world than it is inside the D/s or BDSM community. Maybe it's just me, but I think people -are- what they -are-. It isn't a question of 'is this the right way to be?'... if they're authentic, then it is just the way that person is. Why should they have to pretend to be something they're not just so someone -else- doesn't have to be uncomfortable? Some people are just not socially powerful, self-directed, etc. Some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. Some people are clumsy, or socially inept. Some people are stunningly physically attractive or intellectually intimidating. People are what they are. It doesn't bother me to carry someone who is having trouble making their way through life on their own... in fact, I -like- it. Xhe ain't heavy.... and all that. Calla Firestorm Or they end up as perpetual victims and pretty much get more and more timid as they go along. Some snap and end up on rooftops with high powered rifles and make a huge splash in the news. Some end their own lives and come to a early tragic end. Some look for release and succor in the bottle of alcohol or thru prescription drugs. Etc etc etc. C-D

Kalista07 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:02:28 PM)
Erin..... i just gotta tell Ya....You make me laugh...You are awesome. Kali

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:11:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 i feel the need to say something here.... i understand that some of You have very very strong characters...As do i....now...But, i must tell You that there are a great many dynamics of this particular relationship You are unaware of. Particularly this person being a complete and utter sociopath. {He has this way.....Of convincing people that they can not live without him...i don't know how else to explain it}. And i'm not exagerating when i use that word. Please go easy on HFM, as it's only been within the last little while that i was able to actually succesfully block this person from my IM. Kali I had someone like that Iming. Me. It was easy to block him as I dont let people demand submission from me when they have not earned it and I dont belong to him. I understand that some people are meeker than others but I would think that one would want to be strong in order to show respect for their Master's.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:18:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Who in the name of all that is holy has time to babysit, handhold, monitor or wipe the drool off of the chin of their adult partner every waking minute of the day....and more importantly, why in the hell would anyone want to? Unless of course, it ensured that they always feel needed and keeps their position up there on the pedestal secure. To me it does not seem to fit what I think of as a power exchange relationship if there is no "power" on one end. It seems a lot more energy sucking....like a parasite on a host situation. Oh believe me, I understand the attraction of innocence and naivity can be cute once in a while...but I would starve in such a situation. I need the stimulation of someone who is intelligent, articulate and capable. I don't have time in my life or room in my head. This is one of the big decisions that has to be made in taking on s-types... 'Do I have the time, patience, etc., to be the d-type that will suit this relationship best?' Fortunately, though, even the neediest of s-types that I've encountered do fine once they have a solid structure on which to frame things, a plan for dealing with typical events, and the backup of their d-type to handle unexpected or problematic situations. Even as Chatelaine, I rarely had to spend extended time 'holding hands, wiping drool or following our most needy servants around', though I did have to monitor regularly to make sure that things didn't slip through the cracks... and my Keepers did me the same service, until they saw that I had things well in hand on my own. I think the only real difference is that, with our neediest s-types, there isn't the opportunity to let go after a while -- they need the framework on an ongoing basis, rather than just as an initial 'hint'. quote: I guess it's a good thing that there are people in the world who like to be the "teachers" and the "coddlers" or I am sure there would be a lot of lonely people stumbling through life. But wow....I just can't imagine going through life with someone by my side who was more like an anchor than a sail. But in order to function, a boat needs both anchor and sail -- and sticking to the same analogy, I'd describe myself more as the rudder and anchor... my s-type may catch the breeze whichever way it blows (sail), but it is up to me to decide which way the wind will take us, or whether we will move at all. quote: On a personal note, if someone has some sort of issue with me and sends someone else to fight that battle....they both go down a whole bunch of notches in my book. I don't have much respect for someone who can't come to me, eye to eye to discuss something that was obviously between us in the first place. I have even less respect for the savior who rushes in to threaten me or "persuade" me to change my perspective and most likely I would not give them the time of day, much less my actual attention. As for the OP's original situation....that man would be smart to pray that I DID ask my dominant to take care of it for me. He is much more fair and patient than myself. He'd still likely rip his balls off IF it came down to it whereas I probably wouldn't have the patience to wait until it did come down to it. And if that presents your authentic self, then nobody has the right to disdain your expression of that self. In the same way, though, someone whose reactions are just as authentic, but who prefers having someone else fight their battles or is profoundly yielding and bends to the structure defined by hir d-type as a matter of being is no less valid. However, if a person were to get pissed at me because xhe behaved inappropriately towards my s-type and I stepped up and defended my s-type, that's -hir- problem, not mine. My job is to attend to my responsibilities, and xhe'd be welcome to do hir worst, but xhe wouldn't see me back down from my responsibility just because -xhe- didn't like it. Calla Firestorm

OsideGirl -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:18:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HotFaerieMama back when i had first started talking to my friend i would react to him quite strongly.. but its been almost a year.. since i've heard his voice.. so i have no clue if i'd react that way or not.. there's a small small chance that he could do it.. but he said he wouldn't and i hope he dosen't... i usually don't get this upset over things like this.. .. but it touched on something.. and it really scared me... So, basically, you have no self control is what you're saying.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:26:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 I understand that some people are meeker than others but I would think that one would want to be strong in order to show respect for their Master's. I don't see where my s-type's "appearance of strength" shows respect for me--especially if xhe is -struggling- to -appear- strong, but is, in fact, deceiving me according to hir authentic nature. Perhaps this is an expectation of -your- Master, but I don't perceive that it is a 'universal' expectation, and it certainly isn't one for me. Calla Firestorm

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:37:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 I understand that some people are meeker than others but I would think that one would want to be strong in order to show respect for their Master's. I don't see where my s-type's "appearance of strength" shows respect for me--especially if xhe is -struggling- to -appear- strong, but is, in fact, deceiving me according to hir authentic nature. Perhaps this is an expectation of -your- Master, but I don't perceive that it is a 'universal' expectation, and it certainly isn't one for me. Calla Firestorm Well if I dont show self control. if I would give myself so freely without my Masters approval or permission then that is what I think is disrespectful.

CruelDesires -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:46:18 PM)
What I find interesting is the disdain and anger shown to the "weak ones" who post looking for help. shrugs C-D

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How do I deal with something that was said to me but was innapropriate? (9/22/2008 6:48:30 PM)
I dont think its disdain. I do have problems understanding someone who is collared that can be used without her Masters approval. My master would not want me to be available to anyone and everyone.

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