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TreasureKY -> RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me (9/24/2008 5:58:23 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tsatske
I strongly suspect that it has a lot to do with the way in which you suggest sex - apparently, all the time. I don't blame you.
I suggest sex a lot, too. It might be down to about 15 times a day, now that my time with Master on work days is limited to an hour in the morning, (when we are already having sex) and 2 or 3 hours at night (when, usually... oh, never mind).
But, I am going to get bashed for this, but - read John Grey.
If you are hyper focused on sex, my advice isn't going to work, because you are going to change it subtly and fuck it up badly.
Be swwet, romantic, and - after a while of that, even gently and playfully physical together, without it being about sex. I suspect that the fact that everything you do and everything you say is focused on your acheiving your goals and getting your rocks off in your way is making her not want it at all. It's like making me eat all of my food covered with chocolate - I like chocolate alot, but, i'm going to get sick of chocolate.
She opened up to you and talked to you about finding a woman sexy. instead of just cuddling up and enjoying the moment with her, you jumped in - here's an open door! let's talk about me getting what I want!
and from your writing, it sounds like that happens a lot. can you just kiss her in the morning without it leading to talking about sexy? spoon her at night without trying to have sex?
Why does her liking different sensations than you make her cold? She does not like the feel of your cock being artificially vibrated. You do. So, in your mind, your 'right', and she is unsexual.
Sounds like she was sexual enough before you met her.
If I told you 'focus on her needs for a while', you'd say, 'I have. I want to know what SHE LIKES (you mean, what kind of sex...) what she needs ( what kind of sex)...'
John Grey says, one difference between men and women is, for men, sex happens in the bedroom. For women, sex is everything, everywhere.
It's the pat on the ass in the kitchen. It's the flowers you bring her. It's holding hands, talking over dinner.
(before I get attacked, yes, John Grey over generalizes. In particular, lifestyle people seem much less likely to focus on 'the act' as sex. But there are some truths in the generalities)
When was the last time you took her out for a cozy dinner, sat talking over candlelight, holding hands - and never mentioned sex? had no advance motive to get in her pants?
I suspect it has been so long that you will now have to do it repeatedly to gain back her trust.
She doesn't want to have sex with you because 'that's all you think about'. IOW, you make her feel like sex is the only reason you care about her.
Run her a bubble bath, light some candles, pour some wine and put a book by the bathtub, when she comes home tired from work. Then - leave the fucking bathroom. Go play Doom. Let her relax.
Watch a movie and snuggle, without looking for an opening in the movie to bring up 'the talk' again.
Serriously. It's not sex that is the problem. It is that you have made her feel like that is all she is to you. Get sex out of the equation until you win her trust back.
And go to councelling. What CC said.
As has been said before, this bears repeating.
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