RE: Feeling quite ignorant

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lally3 -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:12:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RumpusParable quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 but he had coolled off and not given her the info she'd asked for in order to make her journey to him. that would have made me wonder what was going on a bit. Except, by her wording, all this happened "within days". She doesn't describe a major cooling off or distancing... she describes a few days after asking flipping out on someone she's not met yet. flipping out isnt the answer, ever - personally i go the other way and cool down fast. but 'days' can yawn long and wide on here. she'd booked her flight, made her plans, given him info and he came up with some BS about not giving out his after expressly asking her for hers and getting them. he's not going to get far if he doesnt give his details out some time or another, so i call him on big time BS. quote: i agree with the others that you probably shouldnt have gone off the deep end, but i can understand why you suspected that he was being less than honest with you. he also blew you out very quickly after you lost your rag, whereas someone who genuinely wanted to carry things on might have tried to talk you down and reassure you. Personally, I can not fathom why you and others have said this. I absolutely would not if the situation described as it is here happened. Person I'm getting to know online and phone only so far has a dramafest like that? Big indicator to me they have emotional problems or are just plain a dramaqueen. I'd drop them immediately... if that's how they act before they've met me -that possessive, insecure, and accusatory- I don't have any interest in seeing how they'll be once we've met in person. Doesn't matter how much I was interested or cared for them at that point, it's a huge red flag that they are too unstable -by nature or enjoyment- to go forward with. agreed. ive had D's do something along the same lines and it put me off very quickly. hopefully she's learning that now from this thread, im sure she is. I agree that it's, of course, possible that he wasn't being honest with her or was trying to let things fizzle out. But from what she's described here, her described thoughts and actions were pretty clearly Red Flags to any partner -even if he was being dishonest and/or deciding to end things, they're Red Flags to other potentials. i dont see the red flags atall, ok, she flipped, big deal, really - we all know how it gets on here sometimes, particularly if your newish and the sub frenzy has you and youre feeling all tied up in knots over someone who seems so right. he lets her fizzle out? what a dufass, chicken-ass in my humble opinion. he owed her a decent let down after she'd made her plans, paid her money and given him her private details in good faith. so shes on here, being honest, telling us how it was and im sure learning alot from it all. her emotions were tuned into this man, lets be human about this for a moment. it could be that he'd been showing the signs a while back and being the chicken he is he just hoped she'd get the message between the silences and get rid that way and without any need for an unpleasant, uncomfortable 'it aint gonna work' talk. i personally hate that, if youre old enough to be looking for an adult relationship then take full responsiblity for the good, bad and ugly rather than just ducking out, particularly when he knew full well she'd booked it all up and was getting herself all prepared mentally and emotionally.

leighdesire -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:13:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee See, maybe im reckless, but if i read this correctly, you had a layover situation in an airport...presumeably chock full of Homeland Security...highly trained defenders of democracy, apple pie and the freedom to bring a bic onboard. So to meet someone for coffee first...which is the prescribed all encompassing safety technique used by vanilla and kinky alike for centuries...the airport food court would have presumeably been the safest place to meet without a preponderance of personal information...that could have been gleaned from conversation fueled with caffeine and hormones. my thinking is this...if the sub is right in front of him and the information is dependent on proceeding on to the nearby airport hotel...he prolly woulda given you his social. And i have met online and skipped the coffee gone right for the hotel...and didnt die a horrible death...yet. More than likely i wont do that often, but i really dont like to say things and then take them back. So were you meeting for coffee at the airport, or were you planning to go to a hotel and play? i ask because the information requested is perhaps too much for coffee but fully within your rights to request prior to play. My layover is several hours and we planned on spending the night near the airport.

faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:13:32 AM)
i just find this all too typical...

GreedyTop -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:15:43 AM)
Lally.. the op said her travel was unrelated to him.

lally3 -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:17:52 AM)
oh...!

RumpusParable -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:18:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 Or, that just like in reallife (vs. netlife), dating is just dating until the partners involved agree to it being more than that PLUS mono. hi there rumpus, im gonna respond to the rest of it in a mo. but i just wanted to highlight this for a moment. here in the UK we dont do the 'not exclusive' thingy atall. if we're going out with someone then we are, exclusivity is expected from the start, unless its made totally clear that its just a one off or no strings or just upfront about others. not sure how the teenagers work it though, but judging from the 'loved-up' young things i see, id say thats pretty true for them too. im just wondering if this 'not exclusive' thing is wholesale across america or if maybe some people see the start of a relationship as something a little bit special. So, it's normal in the UK to meet someone on a few dates and assume it's an automatically committed relationship? That's not my experiences while in the UK or from my British friends discussions with me, but I'll take it from you as a common thing. It seems really bizarre to me that people would consider themselves committed and monogamous before they'd had enough time to even get to know one another... the way you describe it makes it sound like dating in the UK means: "Hi, I like you" "Hi, I like you" "I claim you, I've seen you 3 times (or once naked)". Here, generally, that sort of claiming-by-having-a-crush (I'm not being dismissive towards you, but that's the equivalent here to what you describe) tends to be limited to teens and younger... With adults, meeting and having a crush on someone doesn't tend to mean automatic exclusivity. Rather, spending a good deal of time getting to know one another, talking over expectations and what level of feeling has developed, whether or not there is enough to consider a relationship or to not, meeting of friends and family, etc. is what goes into having a committed relationship (whether mono or not) here -except in those that follow the teen "I have a crush, so they shouldn't talk to others" behavior and that usually blows up ugly. It's not that people don't consider the "start of a relationship as something a little bit special", it's that not every crush -mutual or one-sided- is equivalent to the "start of a relationship" here.

leighdesire -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:21:24 AM)
lally - Thanks for the supportive ear. You seem to be adding things to this discussion that I can't spit out at the moment. I don't think there were signs of him letting me down easy, or even letting me down over a period of time. In fact, during our last phone conversation Friday evening we discussed the M/s dynamic and the possibility of it between us if things clicked. In response to GreedTop, yes, my flight plans were initially unrelated, but after discussion between us it was decided that my return flight would be the one with the layover instead of direct.

SoulPiercer -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:22:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 but he had coolled off and not given her the info she'd asked for in order to make her journey to him. that would have made me wonder what was going on a bit. She wasn't going to visit him. She was going to be on a lay over at an airport an hour away from him. She wanted him to drive an hour to a public airport .. but only after he provided verifiable personal information. I'm all for safety .. but I've felt for years that some of the advice that's deemed to be BDSM law is ridiculous. If you had met him on eHarmony, would you have asked for verifiable personal information before he drove an hour to meet you at the very public and most like likely quite secure airport? My guess is .. the distance was already an issue. But you both decided to see where it would go. Your asking for personal information was a red flag for him. His apprehension toward giving that information was a red flag for you, because that's the common opinion.. if he hesitates at giving personal information .. he's a mean, bad man. You formed your opinion, perhaps sub-conciously, then you lose it when you see him chatting with someone else on the all too reliable Alt.com chat system. Back in the old days, there was this ancient custom, I believe they called it "dating". The way it worked was, people would socially interact, in many cases with multiple prospective partners until they decided that they were serious about one person in particular. In the fast paced world of high speed data connections, a lot of people believe that committment begins after the very first conversation and the concept of "cheating" has become something as simple as saying hello to anyone other than the person you've been talking to for two whole days. Meeting kinky people is just like meeting people who don't identify as kinky. Yes, you should be safe, but if you give someone the impression that pursuing a relationship with you is going to be more hassle than they are willing to deal with, don't be surprised if they walk away. They have that right, just as you have the right to walk away if they don't give you the information you want.

faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:27:15 AM)
btw...why would one pay for an alt account...when collarme is free!! just sayin cause i think im the only one who noticed that they met on alt! viva la collarme!

SoulPiercer -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:32:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl btw...why would one pay for an alt account...when collarme is free!! just sayin cause i think im the only one who noticed that they met on alt! viva la collarme! Because you meet a higher quality pervert on Alt.com since they have to pay to contact you. On CollarMe you're stuck with cheap perverts like me .. oh and Greedy.

leighdesire -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:34:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl btw...why would one pay for an alt account...when collarme is free!! just sayin cause i think im the only one who noticed that they met on alt! viva la collarme! Yes, we did meet on alt. Over the past several months I've been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on re: BDSM, and in the process discovered collarme. The message boards have provided a great deal of information for me and the members who post regularly seem to be honest and direct yet respectful of the difference in opinion that may crop up.

faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:37:03 AM)
quote: Because you meet a higher quality pervert on Alt.com since they have to pay to contact you. On CollarMe you're stuck with cheap perverts like me .. oh and Greedy. but your paying for fakes and liars on alt!! here they're free!

GreedyTop -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:39:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer quote: ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl btw...why would one pay for an alt account...when collarme is free!! just sayin cause i think im the only one who noticed that they met on alt! viva la collarme! Because you meet a higher quality pervert on Alt.com since they have to pay to contact you. On CollarMe you're stuck with cheap perverts like me .. oh and Greedy. snort

faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:41:05 AM)
quote: snort and you dont get the snorts on alt!!!

HandSolo -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:41:16 AM)
Very true! I was on Alt before CM, I noticed no difference but the expense, and the profiles that Alt had clearly hijacked from abandoned AFF or some even more vanilla profiles.

GreedyTop -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:41:38 AM)
well, Alt gets them when I'm in one of the chatrooms,,,LOL

lally3 -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:45:09 AM)
It seems really bizarre to me that people would consider themselves committed and monogamous before they'd had enough time to even get to know one another... the way you describe it makes it sound like dating in the UK means: "Hi, I like you" "Hi, I like you" "I claim you, I've seen you 3 times (or once naked)". people take their time to be sure, same as anywhere, but yes, on balance, when people here start to date because they like each other enough its a tacit, unspoken understanding that its exclusive. doesnt mean theyre planning marriage and kids or even planning the next month ahead, but people generally put all of their efforts into one person. you see i find the 'non exclusive' way of doing it really wierd. things tightened up alot with promiscuity here when the HIV thing was new and scary. but for alot of brits, skipping from one date to the next would get you a bad name. interesting isnt it how cultures can be so different. btw im not talking about those people who really dont want to commit and just want to flit about and have fun. plenty of that going on - but for those looking for committment from another person, exclusivity is pretty much the litmus test.

lally3 -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:52:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leighdesire lally - Thanks for the supportive ear. You seem to be adding things to this discussion that I can't spit out at the moment. I don't think there were signs of him letting me down easy, or even letting me down over a period of time. In fact, during our last phone conversation Friday evening we discussed the M/s dynamic and the possibility of it between us if things clicked. hugs - theyre all lovely people on here, cheap maybe, but lovely - they just love a good ding dong and your 'it' for now.

SoulPiercer -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 12:11:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leighdesire Yes, we did meet on alt. Over the past several months I've been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on re: BDSM, and in the process discovered collarme. The message boards have provided a great deal of information for me and the members who post regularly seem to be honest and direct yet respectful of the difference in opinion that may crop up. Reading anything and everything you can get your hands on is a great start. I suggest you do not limit your reading to the internet. Go out and find those things they call BOOKS. Another ancient creation I am fascinated with. Here's why: Anyone can build a web site and give out free advice. All you're getting is their opinions. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Yes .. books are the author's opinions, however, it's a lot tougher to get a book published than it is to throw up a web site and call yourself an authority. When you're doing your reading, always remember this: BDSM is just like religion. No matter what anyone believes - No one is completely right, No one is completely wrong. Nothing you read about BDSM is set in stone. Keep what you like, make it fit you .. (not the other way around) .. and throw the rest out.

leighdesire -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 12:25:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer quote: ORIGINAL: leighdesire Yes, we did meet on alt. Over the past several months I've been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on re: BDSM, and in the process discovered collarme. The message boards have provided a great deal of information for me and the members who post regularly seem to be honest and direct yet respectful of the difference in opinion that may crop up. Reading anything and everything you can get your hands on is a great start. I suggest you do not limit your reading to the internet. Go out and find those things they call BOOKS. Another ancient creation I am fascinated with. Here's why: Anyone can build a web site and give out free advice. All you're getting is their opinions. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Yes .. books are the author's opinions, however, it's a lot tougher to get a book published than it is to throw up a web site and call yourself an authority. When you're doing your reading, always remember this: BDSM is just like religion. No matter what anyone believes - No one is completely right, No one is completely wrong. Nothing you read about BDSM is set in stone. Keep what you like, make it fit you .. (not the other way around) .. and throw the rest out. SoulPiercer - I just read your profile so I could get a better idea of the man giving me advice, and I noticed you're a fellow Hoosier. Nice to meet you! My search for information has already shown that there is a lot of BS out there, but that seems to be the case for just about any topic I research. Since I have three sons at home with me I am reluctant to have books in the house that have anything remotely close to BDSM as the subject. Some days I feel like I'm wading through cement; other days all of this makes perfect sense. Today just really complicated things. I appreciate your advice.

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