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Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 7:57:39 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		How many people here from either side of the D/s coin have tried to remain friends with an EX yet found it impossible to do so, because they push boundaries and cause problems and drama?

My last real time relationship was a rather short term one, with somebody who has an anger management and drinking problem.  Back around March I had packed it in on this relationhsip.  Anyways, I had tried to maintain a simple friendship since then.   She has made a number of attempts to cross the friendship boundary since then.   This attempts resulting in some small verbal fights between us, however nothing so extreme to be a permant wedge or axe to bury between us.

Recently in the last two weeks, this has all changed, when I told her that I involved in getting to know somebody that I'm sincerely and deeply interested in.   She told me she felt jealous even though she felt she had no right to be.   None the less she started to pull every tactic she could think about.  Sexually advances, offers to cook me diner, do this that another thing for me.  Anything and everything to lure me into visiting her.   For the last 6 months I've turned down ever advanced she had thrown at me.  When she does get her way, she tends to dish out some minor insult and it's resulted in a bit of a small fight.   I simply don't enjoy putting up with bullshit and mindless guilt trips.   I've tried to be a friend and encourage her to change and get help for some of her issues.  Anyways, this time around.   She pulled out all the stops.

In fact, she went so far to contact my mother and even probe her for details about "the new girl", and it's been nothing but a pain in the ass.  Needless to say, she's left me some drunken voice mails which totally rubbed me the wrong way.  She had tried luring me into coming to visit her to "fix her computer", at least under this initial pretense, however she was also making a lot of suggestive comments about fucking and how things used to be between her and I.    Anyways, her Drunked Voice mails was it for me.   She was very rude and vulgar and frankly, she showed very little respect for me as a person let alone as a friend.   I'm not a happy camper, needless to say.   I found myself saying things to her on the phone such as "You are a self centered bitch who is jealous and being mean because you did'nt get you way."  I digressed into name calling along with tossing out fair honest thoughts on the matter. 

Yesterday, it was the proverbial Nuke Death Match that occured between us.  She is a self identified switch, however with what I would call as an immature Domme personality.   She was attempting and trying to push and sway me.   The Gloves came off, and I said a lot of harsh things I honestly meant and mean.  She was dishing out insults out of spite and trying to turn the tables around on me.  I was not putting up with it.   Actually, if anything, I realized more about her true colors then I dare wanted to see or admit to myself.

Yesterday was not a good day, anyways I had not shared too many details with the "new girl" regards my problematic EX.  However yesterday and today I was rather open about the extent and levels.   Then the "new girl" asked me one question.  Is she on your myspace.  Ummm.. Yes, she is.   She made a comment about contacting my EX.   Whoa... that idea really did not sit well with me at all.   Anyways, as I say, give me more then one reason to do something and consider it done. 

I went and deleted my Ex off myspace friends, put her ass on block.  I did the same with my Email Account and AIM instant messaging.   I called and left one last voice mail, a sort of sorry, I can't be your friend anymore you make it too impossible for me to be your friend.   I recieved one last voice mail message from her along the lines of "Fine, I don't want to be your friend anyways blah blah blah (mindless stabs at me)".

When I talked with the new girl later on today.  I told her what I did.   Geee, turns out the new girl got burned by somebody who was involved with a girl who deleted her from myspace.com and etc..  Wow.  Oh great the new girl is a little questioning if I had been seeing my Ex all along now...  Good Lord!  Perhaps I should not be such an honest bastard, but I admitted to her the reason why I deleted my EX was at the threatening thought of her contacting her.   I don't Trust me Ex at ALL, not with the way she's been acting.

In hindsight, I feel like I should have canned trying to be friends with her awhile ago, when she was pushing boundaries and not being respectful.   A bit of an error in my judgement.   Anyways, at times the best of intentions can bite us in the ass.  I just know I feel a little bit backed up into the corner with somebody questioning my actions slightly now.   I'm not into playing games with anybodys heart or playing any kind of games that are not fun ones to play.

Right now, I'm a little pissed off at myself, my ex and feeling a little sick in the stomach at the thoughts of this having the potential for leading to mistrust.   I've been upfront and honest about everything with everybody.

Anyways, is it really a mistake in trying to be friends with a part partner?  Even more so when they violate or attempt to push the boundaries from time to time.   I feel like I should have seen this shit coming, yet was being a little blind.  I'm glad it's over (the friendship) between me and her.   I really did not think she would behave this crazy and bad.   I think if I had, I would have packed it in on the friendship.   However, I can see at the same time some red flags.   I was trying to give somebody the benifit of the doubt.  And Frankly, they failed it miserable.
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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:05:06 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		When one grows wiser(some never do), they can have relationships with people that have it together and don't create drama. The relationship ends because its run its course and its "like" but not "love". I knew I had come along way when my more recent exes, I still thought were good men. I am friends with my ex. he is a wonderful man and I want the best for him and vice versa. Some day hopefully you will learn to choose your partners more wisely. Ones without all the issues and baggage and insecurities. Then you too will be able to have real friendships with exes.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:09:32 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

How many people here from either side of the D/s coin have tried to remain friends with an EX yet found it impossible to do so, because they push boundaries and cause problems and drama?


Raises hand.

I wished we could have a friendship, but for reasons I would rather not aire here, we can't.  Not so much because of drama, but because of boundaries not being respected.  Pity, but such is life. 

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:17:05 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

How many people here from either side of the D/s coin have tried to remain friends with an EX yet found it impossible to do so, because they push boundaries and cause problems and drama?

I have been fortunate in that just because the relationships ended, the love, mutual respect and friendship did not.  It is very rare there is ever anything negative pushed. 
quote:

Anyways, is it really a mistake in trying to be friends with a part partner?

If their presence is destructive to you whether it is by their actions or your own bad reactions, I imagine it’s not a good idea to remain in contact with someone that has negative impact on you.

But you didn't really need any of us to tell you that did you?
 

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:17:57 PM   
subeos


Posts: 140
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline 		I have learned it is a no, no for me. I have tried it and it does not work out. I know for some it can just depends on the dynamic of the relationship before and after. And what has or has not changed. 

slave eos

~To Thine Own Self Be True~



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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:19:42 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've tried to be friends with past partners but to no avail.
They always seem to think they're still a vital part of my life or think their word actually means something to me other than an opinion.
It just never works...at least for me.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:21:01 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I've remained friends with a couple of ex's. With others there is unfortunately nothing to be salvaged, and I want no part of them.

The only problem with remaining friends with ex's is that there is always still an innuendo on their parts about fucking around.  They don't really know how to be friends without still trying to get back into my pants again.  I don't see the point of going back to square one again, when the outcome is inevitably going to be the same the second time around.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:22:26 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		The only X in my life who I did not remain friendly toward, was my ex husband.  And to this day he still thinks we remained friendly.  All other men who have entered my life made only a few ripples and stayed buddies, or made huge waves, but were worthwhile people with whom I could not imagine having in my life.
I think the key is not choosing people who have drama issues.  I would never have spent time with someone with alcohol problems.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 9/28/2008 8:29:01 PM >

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/28/2008 8:27:52 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

In hindsight, I feel like I should have canned trying to be friends with her awhile ago, when she was pushing boundaries and not being respectful.


Comitt this to memory.  If you must, tattoo it to your ass so you don't forget it.

But, seriously...yeah, I made the mistake of trying to remain friends once after a volatile relationship.  That short lived experiment didn't end well.  Since then, as soon as a partner I'm no longer involved with starts pushing boundaries, I give them the coldest shoulder possible.  Disrespect from a former partner is unacceptable.  At that point, they become 'dead to me.'

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 12:05:35 AM   
SlaveIndigochild


Posts: 272
Status: offline 		It's really very very difficult. There has usually been unfinished business with me and my ex's (both vanilla and bdsm). In all cases except for one, they wanted me back. The wanting me back was couched in many diferent degrees of manipulation but there nevertheless.i've always always tried to maintain amicability, to sustain a certain type of love, to confess to needs when they have been there, and to give support. But mostly in vain. i guess when it's over it's over....except when there are children involved. And unfortuneately i have raised two of my children entirely single handedly with nothing but bitterness and a continuation of the abuse from the father.
Break-ups bring out the worst NOT the best most of us. And emotional hurt takes a very very very long time to heal.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 12:15:30 AM   
soul2share


Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline 		Whiplash, I've seen some of the posts while you were with the ex....your patience says a lot about you as a person, but it also makes you vulnerable at times.  I don't mean that in a mean way, either......your many attempts to help her out should be commended.

However, she is not one type that will ever be happy being just friends, as you have found out.  Continue to cut her out of your life, don't answer her attempts to contact you, or get roped into any mind games with her. 

As for the new girl, well, she's either going to trust your word or she isn't.  That's basically what it will come down to.  If indeed you have been open and honest with her, and she doesn't see it, or feels that you haven't been, then it's better to find out now. Talk to her, not as Dom to sub, but person to person....sometimes you have to put the roles aside....if you have to, show her the old posts.  Everyone has baggage, she does by virtue of the information you put in the post.....it's just something that everyone has to learn to live with.

Good luck, I hope things work out as you'd like them to.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 1:32:05 AM   
BiteGirl


Posts: 293
Joined: 4/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

How many people here from either side of the D/s coin have tried to remain friends with an EX yet found it impossible to do so, because they push boundaries and cause problems and drama?

I have been fortunate in that just because the relationships ended, the love, mutual respect and friendship did not.  It is very rare there is ever anything negative pushed. 
 


I'm in the same boat. I think. Very lucky for me too.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 2:05:14 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I count Myself very lucky that My first hubby to whom I was married for nearly 16 years and from whom I split in 1991, is still such a good friend that he came and helped out a LOT for 3 days when I was clearing Mum's house recently. He and his present partner were the only ones who thought to invite Me out for a meal and a bit of a break too. His running commentary as he helped nearly sent My sis and I nuts and I had to remind Myself he wasn't always like that ... but his kind heart means that we shall always stay friends. He gave Me away at My second marriage ... and I sang at his ... but neither lasted, his less than Mine!

Hubby 2 was more of a pain after nearly 12 years and I had to create a big boundary by moving cross country ... when he started eyeing off the same small town as Master and I, I had to be pretty unsubtle and say "Find your OWN town!" ... he did! Still managed to drop in on us earlier this year at an inconvenient time and was a bit of a pain, so I'd not really say "friends" ... but we can be civil most of the time!

So I don't believe it is always a mistake. However, it is a matter of choosing those who are capable of being as much of a friend as you can be. Those who show signs of not handling that, being disrespectful, pushing boundaries ... well they need to be sent packing. I know it's not easy ... Whippy, I think You have a very kind heart and a genuine desire to help people be the best they can be, so it's hard to cut and run ... in this case, I think You should have before ... and You definitely need to now! Sometimes You have to be cruel to be kind.

Huggs Whippy
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 2:15:11 AM   
darkslife


Posts: 43
Joined: 3/21/2004
Status: offline 		I have tried, even went so far as to let one live with me.

It didn't go down well, not because of trying to reignite etc, but lack of basic respect.

I have found it is better to limit contact while not firebombing the bridges :P

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 2:17:44 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		There's a reason why he's an ex and it usually has to do with relationship issues, not sexual ones. 

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 2:35:01 AM   
cravesdom


Posts: 5219
Joined: 3/28/2008
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I have remained friends with some of my ex-boyfriends and have not had any issues whatsoever. I remained civil (or tried to) with my ex-husband because we had kids together and had numerous problems. But then he was a manipulative, abusive bastard. When I was home during the day and he knew my live-in boyfriend (at the time) was at work he used to walk into my house without knocking, climb into bed with me and try to have sex with me. One time I was in the shower and he took his clothes off and got in. When I started making sure the door was locked after everyone left in the morning he would come around to my sliding glass door in the back, which didn't have a lock that worked. Talking to him didn't help. Fighting with him didn't help. The only thing that finally helped was that he was still in the military and had to move far away. When I got mad at him, he would say that he didn't see what the big deal was. It wasn't like he had never seen me naked before. It wasn't like he had never had sex with me before.

I think it depends very much on the maturity of the people involved whether a friendship can be maintained after the relationship has ended. And both sides have to be willing to maintain that friendship and not push for more. If one person is still in love with the other or still hung up on the other, there can definitely be issues. And they can cause problems with a new relationship.

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 2:41:02 AM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I always try an exit a relationship in such a way to allow us to be friends in some form......after all,  there was something that drew you to the person in the first place....and though you may not feel "love" at the end, you try to focus on the feelings of respect and affection and put the hurt aside....take the high road and wish them well.

Here in FL there's a chance at some event or munch you're going to run into an Ex partner...So unless you plan on withdrawing from being public, you have to be an adult....come to terms with your emotions and figure out how you're going to manage meeting them and possible new partner... If it's fresh it could merely be a meeting of eyes across the room,  then later as time has gone by, a hello and introduction.....but you do it as an adult.....you don't create drama or try and draw others into drama.....it is about respecting boundaries....theirs and your own!


quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

How many people here from either side of the D/s coin have tried to remain friends with an EX yet found it impossible to do so, because they push boundaries and cause problems and drama?
.


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Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 3:17:18 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I think it depends on WHY they're the ex. If its a simple matter of growing apart, I see no reason why a friendship couldn't be maintained. However, if you ended the relationship because they were toxic for you, then maintaining a friendship often maintains the toxicity.

Master Fire


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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 3:55:37 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		The Cliffnotes recap of this past relationship, is that she has deep seated anger issues from her childhood abuse.  She drinks, she blacksout and get's violent and abusive towards people.   She's been flagged with over 1/2 the bars in the city, has an arrest record for assault and other alcohol related inncidents.  More of the came out as things progressed in our relationship.  At first she was on her best/better behavior but then it quickly digressed.  The truth started coming out more.  V-Day of this year she was drunk and I literally had to pin her down and physically restrain her from trashing her Entertaintainment center and computer.   The list of crazy things is too long to get into.  I had tried to talk with her about getting help and make her realize the extent of her problems.  Needless to say, I ended the relationship.   Some time passed and we started talking again, I've been keeping at a friendship only level (no benifits).   It's been a little over 6 months now, since I ended it.   Every couple of months she tried to push the boundaries between us, I suspect mainly when things are going crappy between her and this one guy she is seeing.

I will say this, the new girl I've been getting to know for the last couple of months has always been very respectful, not rude and polite.  She does not hardly even drink and is stable.  I've been taking my time getting to know her without rushing into anything, and so far it's been really great.

The EX was really curious to know if me and the new girl had had sex yet.  Was trying to get me to compare her to her and etc..  I was not giving up any information about anything, besides the fact that I was really into somebody new I met online.  The thing is that the new girl lives within thress hours from me.  Anyhoo...  I had talked with "the new girl" last night around midnight everything is OK, she understands why I did what I did.  So no harm done, just sort of was a little unsettling for her at first.  Communication has been great between her and I when we talk about things.

I'm a little shocked to the extremes things went though, then again not really.  I just was not expecting for it to turn out ugly like it did.  I had to resort to burning the bridge and shutting her out of my life completely.  In many regards, I was trying to hold onto a friend and was hopeful she would not pull anything like this.

In hindsight I think my EX somehow thought I was being single for the last 6 monthes because I was not over her or something.  I'm not certain what the hell she was thinking to tell you the truth.  She'd always ask me from time to time, if I was seeing anybody and the answer was no.   The New girl really did not go over very well with her at all.

The insults and her attempts at humilating me in the end, really pissed me off, and well... let's just say I dished it back out but rather focused and was being honest about it.  As Resident Sadist sort of touched upon in his post.   I did have some bad reactions to what was going on.  I honestly don't regret my own reactions or actions one damn bit.   However, I don't like being in that position and frame of mind.

The new girl, has been very respectful and she has a kind and beautiful heart.  She's not full of anger and resentment.  Her personality is totally different compared to the last Ex.   I actually ended up having a conversation with my Mom about my Ex, since she had called her.   Nice when your Ex drags your family into the picture.  What shocked the Hell out my EX was she started to tell my own mom that I'm into S&M and kinky things.  My mom said "I know" and it backed my Ex up some.  Good thing I came out of the closet about BDSM with my mom a couple of years ago.   So literally, she was attempting to fuck with my world in a not so nice way.  This last week leading up to the weekend was it for me!   Had to Nuke the friendship.  

Anyhoo, Drama yes.  Push came to shove, and that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

I think though, that this was perhaps the only way for her to let me go, to push things until the bridges got burned and nuked to hell and back again.   I tend to see some form of reason or logic behind the recent drama.  If that makes any sense to anybody.

Some Ex's are bit like Horror movie sequels...  Jason was killed how many times and look at how he kept coming back. 

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RE: Being Friends with past partners - 9/29/2008 3:57:16 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You wasted all that time and energy trying to be friends with someone who didn't try to be friends with you. Why?

You gave her too many details about your private life. Why?

You need better boundaries.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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