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Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:14:53 AM

startstopdance

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/1/2008
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I had a little trouble last night with my master. He lives in Tallahasee, and I in SC, so it's a long distance. We have known eachother for quite a while, though we went a year without talking. Just this month we have started up again. He is 23, and I am 19, we are both single at the moment.
Well, we didn't really talk about the dom/sub thing much, he just became my master and I his slave. It was a fairly quick process, since we had known eachother previously.
So we were doing great until last night, when a vanilla girl came over to his house and saw an IM from me. Master quicky exed out of it because he keeps his activity very private. She got mad and left. He told me about it, and said they were "talking", flirting and what not. Thirty minutes later, while we were in mid-play, (he was giving me insructions for the next say) she came back over and he hastily signed off with me. Saying that it probably wasn't a good idea to talk to me with her over.
I know that we are not a couple, but it still gave me a strange feeling of bitterness. I don't know what it is.This isn't a game to me. I don't play "slave" for a little while and go back to a vanilla. This is a 24/7 commitment to me. It's been more difficult to follow his orders since then. I noticed an almost instant change in me. I don't know what I'm feeling. The only other relationship I had like this was a 24/7 TPE with a b/f. We dated so I didn't have to worry about other girls.
I am not sure how to bring this up to him, or even if I should. I feel very schoolgirl-ish and silly.
Help please :(

< Message edited by startstopdance -- 10/1/2008 12:22:50 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:17:37 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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he's just not that in to you.

Seriously.

if he feels he has to hide you from her............................

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Post #: 2

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:21:11 AM

startstopdance

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Joined: 10/1/2008
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He hides me from everyone, he is very private about his lifesyle choice. Are you saying I should just give up and find another Master? I mean I like my Master. I know him. I just don't know how to bring it up to him, without displeasing him.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 3

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:21:43 AM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
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I personally wouldn't stand for it, but then again I'm not poly and don't waste time with long distance.

If you trust him enough to call him master then you should be able to communicate with him about this. And really, if he's with this girl in a romantic way I feel he needs to be honest of what he wants from you and from her and be honest about it to both of you. It sounds like your his net kink friend she's the local girl he can actually bang; which isn't fair for either.

You said you rushed into the master/slave relationship since you knew each other, was their any talk of rules? Rules concerning contact with other people? Expectations from the both of you? Did you tell him you want it to be exclusive? Does he expect that from you? I don't know what all you discussed before jumping into putting a lable on this but it seems there needs to be a bit more talking.

(in reply to startstopdance)

Post #: 4

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:22:54 AM

ChainGoddess

Posts: 731
Joined: 9/27/2008
From: Ireland
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Mmmmm, I would certainly be looking for an explanation from him. You are entitled to that at least.
Good luck.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 5

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:23:03 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: startstopdance

Well, we didn't really talk about the dom/sub thing much, he just became my master and I his slave. It was a fairly quick process, since we had known eachother previously.

This is where things really started to go wrong...add this on top of being an LDR, it's a disaster waiting to happen, in my opinion.

My mother's advice: ask yourself two questions. 1) Would you miss him if he were gone? 2) Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer is no to either, consider ending the relationship.

Just so you're clear, I don't think this is a healthy relationship.

Master Fire

_____________________________

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(in reply to startstopdance)

Post #: 6

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:26:17 AM

startstopdance

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Joined: 10/1/2008
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That is very good advice : ) I guess we should have had that conversation first. That could be the case. I really don't know much about his previous girls. As far as I know he doesn't really date all that much. I will definatly talk to him about that ASAP. Thanks n.n

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 7

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:42:27 AM

CrazyC

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Joined: 9/28/2006
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Actions like that are signs that you aren't priority. Even someone who is poly would be jealouse of that type of action. You need to probably talk to him, but also realize that actions speak louder then words.

(in reply to startstopdance)

Post #: 8

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 12:46:16 AM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

Actually, I'd like to add that I 100% understand that he might be a private person. I don't see it has anything to do with "priority." Though, he could do it in a less rude way (ie telling you he has to go) which would be a concern for me. But him not wanting the world to know he's into BDSM is understandable.

But, him having a side local gf while playing with you on line is another matter. And yes, talk to him and discuss the structure of your relationship. Lay it out on the table how you feel, what you want, and what you need. You might like him a lot but sometimes if the priorities don't click then it's doomed. She may be a gf, she may be a female friend, he may think it's ok for him to do whatever, he may not understand your point of view. We on line don't know. You need to talk to him and have a heart to heart so I do hope you do it ASAP.

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 9

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 1:09:07 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

What GreedyTop said: he's just not that into you.

You deserve someone who's crazy about you. and wants to shout it from the mountaintops. Someone who won't take you for granted, who will be PROUD to own you. This boy is not all that.

He hides you away from everyone, so he can get local ass. DUMP HIM. Move on. Do it NOW, before you waste another minute of your precious time.

Turn the tables on him. Just drop him a quick, breezy email in which you let him know that since you went into things rather hastily, you now realize that your needs and expectations for the "relationship" don't match, and he's not a good match for you. Offer a perfunctory apology and wish him well in his future endeavors.
He will then attempt to persue you madly. Don't allow it. Don't pay any more attention to him. BE TOO BUSY doing productive things with your life such as taking classes, volunteering, advancing in your career, spending time with family and friends... Don't give him a second chance. He's a selfish, immature boy. Go forth well rid of him, and ENJOY BEING SINGLE!

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(in reply to startstopdance)

Post #: 10

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 2:43:16 AM

Lashra

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Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I know him. I just don't know how to bring it up to him, without displeasing him.

If you "know" him, you would know how to bring this up without displeasing him. It sounds to me as if you do not know him all that well. Have you negotiated the terms of your slavery with him? If you did you would know that he is dating vanilla women and how you fit into the scheme of things. It sounds as if he is hiding you, like a dirty little secret. Is that what you want to be to him, a dirty little secret? I do not think so.

I agree with Master Fire, this sounds like an unhealthy relationship and as I tell everyone you have to look out for yourself. Protect yourself, even from him. Good luck.

~Lashra

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(in reply to startstopdance)

Post #: 11

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 2:53:30 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: startstopdance

He hides me from everyone, he is very private about his lifesyle choice. Are you saying I should just give up and find another Master? I mean I like my Master. I know him. I just don't know how to bring it up to him, without displeasing him.

This is just the way I see things......
I am over more than twice your age and I am very private about my "lifestyle" choice except my sister and therapist knows.
What is a master at age 23? Master of what? Certainly not of his testosterone levels.
19yrs old women, unless you are very mature for your age, can be very school girlish, so can those in their 50's.
M/s over cyber, long distance, without a committment is not much of a relationship (IMHO).

Sometimes people come into our lives that are meant to be there for only a season, who knows the reason, but it doesnt mean we must make of them our reason to live.

You might find another DOM, not master, closer to you. If he is gonna chose another girl (physically with him) above you long distance, then hang it up and move on.

Remember, as I see it and my opinion.

(in reply to startstopdance)

Post #: 12

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 3:02:35 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

My question is - are you going to meet or is this a LDR that is to remain online?
If you have never discussed where this relationship is going with no rules or boundaries - then yes I would say you are over reacting. I don;t find it schoolgirlish, but an over reaction.

Talk with him and define the boundaries and then see what happens.

the.dark.

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Post #: 13

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 5:04:08 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Im going the oppisite of Darcy. If what your stating is true dump him and move on. It seems like you caught him an an inopertune time for him. What bothers me is that you say that he dose'nt date that much. Seems to me like one was to much for you.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 14

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 5:28:40 AM

girlivy

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Have to agree with realsub58 here, and GT, Since the OP mentions how Well you know him, I must question here is this Knowing him is an online Knowing OR in person Knowing? Not to minimalize online, just to gain more insight. from the behavior that was described (gf shutting down IM) without a fair explaination to you, i get the feeling that this guy hasn't any control over his relationship in RT, vanilla or not. It does appear that "Keeping things private" and hiding things may be one in the same. Please remeber the foundation to ANY healthy relationship in ANY LS. Respect, Honor, Trust, Honesty, along with a host of other Healthy values, that starts at home! I wish you luck!
Cheers!

< Message edited by girlivy -- 10/1/2008 5:29:42 AM >

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Post #: 15

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 5:44:22 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58
I am over more than twice your age and I am very private about my "lifestyle" choice except my sister and therapist knows.
What is a master at age 23? Master of what? Certainly not of his testosterone levels.
19yrs old women, unless you are very mature for your age, can be very school girlish, so can those in their 50's.
M/s over cyber, long distance, without a committment is not much of a relationship (IMHO).

Remember, as I see it and my opinion.

I beg to differ about the age thing. As another who is twice the OP'ers age I do believe there are
others out there at tender ages that are mature enough to lead. Madrabbit being a prime example
of someone I would consider younger who seems to have his chit together.

but ....

In this case what I'm hearing is a bucket full of raging hormones who has taken what's been given
for granted with a selfish disregard for the human behind this sub.

OP'er? You said that you fell into this dynamic fairly quickly. Which is easy to do when things `feel`
right but it's obvious you had some assumptions about things that are now not what you expected.
You do have a few choices, none pleasant.
You have to bring up your discontent to him, or all you are doing is allowing him to think it's OK
to treat you as he has. Conversation can be tough but living without your needs being met is tougher.
Prepare yourself to walk away, but talk first. Before you talk really think about what you do need
so you can stay on target when this conversation happens. Do not allow it to go off topic without
returning to the issues at hand.

I tend to agree with the others that he's just not that into you by what you've said about his
actions, I urge you to hear the words but not take them as Gold in the following weeks
after you do have this conversation. Remember that good intentions and promises
are vacant if there is no follow up.

Good luck...

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 16

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 6:39:00 AM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

If i hadn't known about the gf beforehand and been totally ok with that, I'd dump him. If he stopped talking to me because someone came in the room, I would dump him. As a matter of fact, since it would appear he could really honestly care less, I would kick his ass to the curb and find someone who makes YOU their world. You deserve better.

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Collared June 4th, 2008
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(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 17

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 6:40:43 AM

beargonewild

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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If there's problems like this jealousy from a female friend now, how do you think it'll be later on when you and your Master do become more serious and move into a 24/7 situation? You state that you and him are both single, yet your online dynamic was halted when she went to visit him......this sounds quite suspicious to me. When your inner voice gave you "a strange feeling of bitterness," then that should be heeded. Whether you decide to seek a new master or not, that is entirely for you to decide. If I was in this situation, I'd be taking a long hard look at the relationship before proceeding any further.

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Post #: 18

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 7:03:57 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He had an online date with you. He walked out on you to play with this other girl.

Would you tolerate it if he walked out on you in the middle of a dinner date? Then why are you tolerating it now?

If you were important to him, and not a bit on the side, then when the doorbell rang he would have told her he was busy and would call her the next day. But you aren't important to him so he didn't.

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Post #: 19

RE: Master with g/f, jealous? - 10/1/2008 7:19:14 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Celeste mabey he was just testing her to she if she acted maturely.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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