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Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 12:45:00 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

So, posed as someone who would like to be a Master but is unlikely to have anyone serving them for a long, long time:

How do you turn off the desires for a D/s dynamic for years to decades at a time? How do you proceed through life, knowing what you want and knowing that you can't (and possibly, shouldn't) get it in the forseeable future? And I apologize in advance that the "suck it up and deal" answer isn't going to be seen as particularly useful, unless more detail is spent describing how one sucks it up and deals.

Post #: 1

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 1:28:11 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

2 words Man up

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 2

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 1:59:06 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

Have a purpose. It is what I have had for decades.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 3

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 2:35:09 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I had to do this for many years and what I did was...go on with life. Work, family, friends, pets, etc. filled that void. Yes the yearning was still there but you find ways to fill your time. Working out at the gym was a great stress reliever, no it wasn't a D/s relationship but, all these things combined got me through it.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 4

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 3:14:08 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Why would you believe you will not have anyone serve you for a long time? First, I would suggest losing the pessimism. Second, if you really believe you will not be served, then I don't believe you have to essentially 'switch off'. That is a personal choice - so my question would be why do you want to switch off? What do you think it will achieve?

My answer would depend on your response to these questions.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 5

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 3:29:32 AM

sravaka

Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline

I am not a Master, but I'll venture to comment based on having taken a fairly extensive break from D/s and emerged from the other side glad to have done so. Take or leave as applicable. :-)

How do you turn the desire off? Sadly, you don't. The best you can do is back-burner it, and even then it will insist on breaking through once in a while and asserting itself almost unbearably, esp. at first.

Instead you channel the energy elsewhere to the extent possible. You get in touch with and celebrate all the other things you are besides an aspiring master, and focus on the satisfactions to be found in all the other kinds of relationships you have. You do this actively, consciously, and enthusiastically. (it may be necessary to fake that last one.) You focus on whatever plus-sides there are to having left D/s temporarily behind and celebrate those too. (from the submissive side, "isn't this great? no one is telling me what to do!" e.g., though it may take a while for that to seem like a good thing.) Most important, you throw yourself into thinking about and working on whatever it was that led you to remove yourself from the fray in the first place. (n.b.: i am not telling you to go find a therapist.) Ideally, you don't do this with rejoining the fray as a goal; you do it for its (and your) own sake.

For me, I believe framing it as a decision to take time off rather than a concession of defeat was key. Leading up to that decision I was quite like you sound-- torn between not being able to live without it, and not being able to live with it. But that got to be too much to borne. The need to regain some sanity and perspective trumped the need for D/s. I did stay in touch with D/s friends to varying degrees, and still read things, and did not attempt to rid myself of fantasies, etc.... but I committed myself to not-looking, and made putting my own house in order the priority.

I can't imagine if any of this would work for you, but perhaps something in it is at least worth thinking about.

I wish you well. Be kind to yourself.
--sravaka

_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 6

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 3:39:40 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

So, posed as someone who would like to be a Master but is unlikely to have anyone serving them for a long, long time:

How do you turn off the desires for a D/s dynamic for years to decades at a time? How do you proceed through life, knowing what you want and knowing that you can't (and possibly, shouldn't) get it in the forseeable future? And I apologize in advance that the "suck it up and deal" answer isn't going to be seen as particularly useful, unless more detail is spent describing how one sucks it up and deals.

I deal with it by not dwelling on the negative aspects of being alone. If there's no-one compatible to be found then stamping my feet in frustration isn't likely to produce a desired result, either!

I'm picky and I've had longish periods "between" relationships before, so I'm aware there's no magic cure. I still keep an eye out but I don't get desperate and start seeing things in people that aren't there. And I won't go back to a vanilla relationship for at least the companionship, either, because I suck at pretending vanilla will fulfill me.

Life goes on; I keep my own shit together in the interim because that's who I am and, who knows, I'm still out there to be found by someone else, too!

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 7

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 3:44:47 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Still on the "I'll never win" kick?

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 8

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 5:49:07 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

Focus yourself on something else, pour your energy into that. For example, start a small business. I'd suggest a cheese shop, it'll go perfectly with all your whine.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 9

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 6:49:57 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Heavy exercise. Serious weight lifting. Reshape your own body.
Partly because it would be a good learning experience for someone whose major kink is reshaping someone else but mainly because taking muscles to exhaustion will drain other needs for a time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 10

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 7:00:36 AM

sistermargaret

Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline

Personally, i think you are a closet submissive and you really want someone to control you, mentor you, and whip you for being such a bad ass. Coming to the forums for abuse tho, won't fulfill or satisfy you. Find someone who is a badder ass than you and experience something ... anything. Take enjoyment at local BDSM Groups, dungeons, house parties, Munches, etc.
You don't switch off. You throw some gas in the car, get a bus ticket, ride a train ... YOU GET OUT THERE.
sm

All it takes is absolute surrender

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 11

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 7:08:08 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

Every question you post has the same answer from people.

Quit whining, man up, and do something about it.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to sistermargaret)

Post #: 12

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 7:36:52 AM

blacksword404

Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

Damn that pretty bad when you got women telling you to man up. Stop bitching and go on with your life. Life isn't as long as we think it is. Get out there and fuck some shit up in the meanwhile. Press all the damn buttons. Crying is frowned upon.

_____________________________

Don't fight him. Embrace your inner asshole.

Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn a skill, the willingness to learn a choice. Dune HH

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 13

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 9:21:26 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Heavy exercise. Serious weight lifting. Reshape your own body.
Partly because it would be a good learning experience for someone whose major kink is reshaping someone else but mainly because taking muscles to exhaustion will drain other needs for a time.

I've actually been trying that for the past few months, and it's helped a little. Between exercise and modelling I'm re-establishing a lot of my understanding of exactly what I want to ask of others. But it's nowhere near emotionally satisfying for me, and I'm curious what other people do to cope.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 9:26:52 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sistermargaret

Personally, i think you are a closet submissive and you really want someone to control you, mentor you, and whip you for being such a bad ass. Coming to the forums for abuse tho, won't fulfill or satisfy you. Find someone who is a badder ass than you and experience something ... anything. Take enjoyment at local BDSM Groups, dungeons, house parties, Munches, etc.
You don't switch off. You throw some gas in the car, get a bus ticket, ride a train ... YOU GET OUT THERE.
sm

All it takes is absolute surrender

Well, I'm out there. And I'm not coming here for abuse - which I suppose will help things work out in the end, since at this point if abuse is all that's on the menu, I'm likely to stop coming at all. I'm actually asking these questions honestly and straightforwardly, because I want to know the answers. Maybe what I need to learn is how to ask these questions in less annoying/obnoxious/confusing/challenging ways, but I'm not sure where I'd begin there, either.

My problem with these interactions is that I actually have specific information I want to glean from the community, but it's frustratingly difficult to craft the questions that will lead to the answers I need. I acknowledge that this is my responsibility, not any of yours, but when I realize that my original question was in error, and try to explain that a specific answer that was given wasn't actually what I was looking for, I tend to be met with hostility or veiled insults rather than an earnest attempt for dialog - so at this point, I'm thinking that either communication itself is at the core of the issue, or I've simply been judged unworthy of this community. Which is it?

(in reply to sistermargaret)

Post #: 15

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 9:43:23 AM

HalfShyHalfWild

Posts: 150
Joined: 2/11/2008
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

So, posed as someone who would like to be a Master but is unlikely to have anyone serving them for a long, long time:

How do you turn off the desires for a D/s dynamic for years to decades at a time? How do you proceed through life, knowing what you want and knowing that you can't (and possibly, shouldn't) get it in the forseeable future? And I apologize in advance that the "suck it up and deal" answer isn't going to be seen as particularly useful, unless more detail is spent describing how one sucks it up and deals.

It's not easy. Someone made a point above me about starting a business. That is what I did last time I went down and stopped pursuing or even wanting to think about any of it. It's actually doing well, or was, kind of holding my breath now waiting to see what's going to happen with economy. But it did help and it kept me very busy. Focus on other areas of your life that could be better. I've found myself more at peace since I had my self imposed time out for a couple of years there. Good luck!

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 16

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 9:44:54 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Focus yourself on something else, pour your energy into that. For example, start a small business.

This is a good idea; I'm already in the process of trying to start up a fetish/bondage gear business.

quote:

I'd suggest a cheese shop, it'll go perfectly with all your whine.

This is just dickery, and I wonder why it was necessary to include.At what point have I been rude? At what point have I been insulting? I've come here and politely asked questions, tried to explain how I see myself, and shared with others when I felt qualified to. Why all the hostility?

< Message edited by Ialdabaoth -- 10/1/2008 9:46:07 AM >

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 17

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 9:52:20 AM

sistermargaret

Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline

i don't think you are unworthy of this community. The guy who sent me a 500 word Cmail of undying submission is the one who is unworthy, lol. And yes, i think, for you, a quick trip to wordpad first might help you clarify your thoughts and questions. That's what i do. i do everything on wordpad first, then copy/paste here after i've gotten it all figured out. For some of us, posting is not an easy thing.
i meant no disrespect, but i've read/responded to your posts and i do feel empathy for you. Unfortunately, this (BDSM) ain't Burger King and we can't have it our way in the drive thru lane. It just takes time. Angonizingly, tormentingly, maddeningly s l o w time. Don't give up. i'm 58 and working toward my very first collar. The more you learn and grow by yourself, the better you will be with someone else.
sm

All it takes is absolute surrender

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 18

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 10:33:01 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

1) Are you willing to let go of the notion that you can't, won't and shouldn't have a slave in your life in order to open yourself up to the opportunity that you can, will and should? Until you do, you are guaranteeing the outcome.

2) When I had no slave and when I did but she was cross country, I did what I still do: go to conferences and learn. Go to events and learn. Volunteered in my community. Look at myself and ask how I can change for the better and attempt it. Start to learn to turn off all the 'negative' voices in my head and listen to the divine one (turning off, for the most part, means ignoring). Begin to realize that how others behave really doesn't have anything to do with me and everything to do with them, their stuff and how they react to it. Begin to realize that how I act doesn't have anything to do with anyone else and has everything to do with me, my stuff and how I react to it. Finally, I began to see that I don't need anyone to make me happy or make me feel loved...I can do that myself.

So, I had plenty to keep me busy. I know it doesn't fill that empty space all the time, but it at least helped me be much more prepared for when the hole was filled.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 19

RE: Techniques for self-suppression or self-mastery. - 10/1/2008 10:34:25 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

So, posed as someone who would like to be a Master but is unlikely to have anyone serving them for a long, long time:

How do you turn off the desires for a D/s dynamic for years to decades at a time? How do you proceed through life, knowing what you want and knowing that you can't (and possibly, shouldn't) get it in the forseeable future?

I struggle with this as well as the women who interest me are quite rare and many in my local bdsm scene have not only never seen me play, they haven't even seen me with a woman. I threw my old life away to create a better tomorrow for myself and at the moment have no serious job, no real career, no solidity to my life while I finish school. What do I do? Well, on a cynical level, one wants to be known as something other than "that wanker with no partner" because well, that is exactly how single men are most commonly viewed in the scene. I strive to show my leadership skills by participating in making the scene a better place. I show my humility by helping set up and or clean up after a party, something all too few dominants "stoop" to. While I don't mentor, I do freely offer my advice when questioned, I participate in things like MAsT discussion groups, etc.

I also strive to ensure the scene isn't the beginning and ending of my life. I better myself, I stop to smell the flowers, and do my best to live life even knowing the best things are unavailable to me. There are few things I miss more than slipping out of bed early while my partner is asleep to fix a french omelette for us and bringing breakfast in bed to share over coffee and tea. However, allowing yourself to indulge in that longing for what you miss can become overwhelming and it is best not to dwell to heavily on that.

Lastly, when she does appear, do not leap into a relationship, no matter how perfect it seems. Take your time, if the chemistry seems perfect today, it will not disappear tomorrow. Make those choices slowly and with wisdom, no matter how much your insides are screaming otherwise. That way, tomorrow you will either have a very wonderful relationship that is likely to endure or you will have a reputation as a wise man who makes good choices. With that, another tomorrow will come and the woman who smiles up at you from bed will be looking you knowing you are wise and make good choices and is the man who she can embrace fully and deeply.

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 20

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