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ORIGINAL: persephonee

~FR~
Am i being paranoid or do the firsttime poster who mention beastiality and bloody anal violations strike anyone else as false?

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ORIGINAL: happyfollower

I'm real. And so is my question and background.

I'm sorry if my post seems suspicious as a first time poster. But if it weren't for the doubts I'm having, I'm not sure I ever would have delurked at all.

I do appreciate the feedback. It helps to know that others question and that it might just be a bad D/s fit.

The one thing that's been said a couple times that is sticking out to me is that "it isn't that I'm not submissive, it's that I know the difference between right and wrong." Which is comforting, but also a little confusing. I would never suggest that being a sub means substituting my Dom's moral code for my own. But on some level I guess I have always believed that part of being a sub is not questioning whether or not my Dom is right or wrong (outside of certain black and white areas). Before we started our relationship we did talk about absolute boundaries (not breached) and areas of discomfort (many of which I've been able to overcome in order to please him and have enjoyed doing so). I guess maybe part of the problem is that we didn't talk about shared power situations where both he and someone else have authority over me. I'm curious though, from the viewpoint of those more experienced with submission or just those who are more wise, how do you reconcile questioning your Dom's rightness or wrongness with your duty to honor your Dom when it isn't an explicitly black/white situation?

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ORIGINAL: happyfollower

I have always been naturally submissive and have always desired to be with someone who is a more dominant partner. But for most of the last year I have on-again and off-again been in my first real D/s relationship and am beginning to have doubts about who I really am and what relationship role I really fit into (generally and ideally, since I know every relationship has different dynamics).

I know this about myself. I know I hate being in charge. I could never be with someone more submissive than me. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving orders (I'm not even very fond of making requests), or making decisions that affect both of us. I don't think I could make a decision that affected just him. I wouldn't feel right, even if that's what he wanted. There is so much responsibility in the power of a Dom and I don't want it.

I know the exact opposite is part of the reason I used to consider myself a sub. I am happiest with someone to lead me and our relationship, someone to make hard decisions for us or help me make hard decisions in my non-relationship life. It provides a dynamic that makes me feel safe, protected, and cared for. Those being the main things I seek in a relationship.

I also enjoy the sexual dynamics of a D/s relationship. I love being an object of pleasure, something to be taken or had when and how he wants it. I don't know why, maybe it's just a carryover from reading bodice-ripper paperbacks since elementary school, or maybe it's something else. But it's definitely a part of who I am.

I love pleasing my partner. It makes me happy to make him happy and that gives me the desire to honor requests that I would otherwise balk at.

Because of all this, I know I'm not a switch, and I'm definitely not a Domme, and I wouldn't be happy in a totally vanilla relationship either. But this last relationship has me questioning my submissiveness as well.

I haven't been very good about obeying his orders. I want to and I try to trust him, but it's hard for me. Especially when he demands that I disobey someone else who has authority over me. There were a couple months when I had to live with my very conservative Christian family, and during that time he made some demands that I felt very uncomfortable with. Wanting to have phone sex on the landline when there was an extension in my parent's room. Wanting me to have sex with the family dog when the family was home. A part of me knows I should have just obeyed, but another part of me still feels like he shouldn't have asked me to disrespect my parents rules when I was living rent-free under their roof and jeopardize my entire shelter situation. I tried to raise my concerns, but his decision was still that I should trust him and obey. And yes at that point I would continue to protest or try to justify my disobedience, which is when he began to explain that I wasn't actually very submissive.

Those certainly weren't the only times I argued or protested about his commands. Sometimes I would protest until he made me feel safe in submitting and I'd do comfortably and sometimes I would still balk or
submit but only grudgingly. Admittedly, that's my downfall. I know I should have gladly and willingly submitted each time, that it would have been a greater expression of trust. I'm just so used to looking out for myself that it's hard for me to silently obey. I guess I have this fantasy that the right Dom will welcome my questions and confessions of fear or reticence and take pleasure in being able to comfort and assure me so that I can eagerly honor his request. Someone who will expect me to just trust and obey but doesn't lose patience with me when I struggle to obey in an area where trust hasn't been earned yet.

And I've wondered if maybe that's the problem with this relationship. Maybe he's not the right Dom for me. But the thing is, he openly advertises himself (yes on this site, but no I'm not disclosing his username) that he expects that he will have to earn trust before he can expect obedience. So if someone like him who is more willing to wait for obedience to follow trust still doesn't think I'm very submissive and does think that I argue and talk back too much, then am I really being honest when I call myself submissive?

Then again, he has lied to me, broken promises, and let me down more times than I can count. So maybe he really just isn't the right Dom. But on the flip-side, no Dom can ever be perfect, right? So I'm right back at my same question, if all men will breach trust in some way, am I really submissive if I can't separate that from my ability to trust their decisions (trust in a completely different aspect of their personality and abilities).

My inclination at this point is to say maybe I really am not a submissive. But with all I know about myself, I don't think I can be anything else either.

I guess I'm looking for feedback on how common it is to question your submissive nature and abilities. Or advice on figuring out your personal boundaries.

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And I've wondered if maybe that's the problem with this relationship. Maybe he's not the right Dom for me. But the thing is, he openly advertises himself (yes on this site, but no I'm not disclosing his username) that he expects that he will have to earn trust before he can expect obedience. So if someone like him who is more willing to wait for obedience to follow trust still doesn't think I'm very submissive and does think that I argue and talk back too much, then am I really being honest when I call myself submissive?

Then again, he has lied to me, broken promises, and let me down more times than I can count. So maybe he really just isn't the right Dom. But on the flip-side, no Dom can ever be perfect, right? So I'm right back at my same question, if all men will breach trust in some way, am I really submissive if I can't separate that from my ability to trust their decisions (trust in a completely different aspect of their personality and abilities).