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Need help with my confidence - 10/6/2008 7:13:58 AM   
MasterLynxx


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		Hey everyone, I'm in need of a bit of help. I know I'm a Dom at heart, but I don't have the confidence to express it to my sub, who knows she's a sub. She doesn't see me as ready to dominate quite yet because I lack confidence. Have any of you had that problem, where you lack confidence at the beginning of your lifestyle? If so, how did you overcome that?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/6/2008 7:25:08 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		I would suggest you gain that confidence through play sessions before you take on a sub. As you state she does not have the confidence in you, for me the beginning sets the tone and if it's not set right away you have a hard road ahead of you. As it will take time and effort to get to where you should be and your sub may not stay around while you get there. Part of being a Dom is knowing that you are ready and able for this. You are young and I do not know of many that are ready for this at your age, not that you can't be but you most lack the real life experience and self control that is needed. Give yourself some time to learn and grow.

Mike

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
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RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/6/2008 7:33:22 AM   
Taboo4Two


Posts: 170
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: NH, TX
Status: offline 		There is a big difference in knowing you are a Dominant and knowing how to dominate. That could be the root of the your trouble. I would suggest that you try to clearly identify where your crisis of confidence comes from.

For example: I you are unsure of the mechanics of bondage and that translates into having no confidence in your ability to use bondage to control your submissive then buy a book on bondage and attend some classes dealing with that.

If however, your lack of confidence stems from the fact you have not yet convinced yourself that you are a Dom then you need to look more introspectively. Figure out what makes you think you are and compare that to the reality of what you show your girlsfriend. If she does not see you as her Dominant then it will never happen.


(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/6/2008 7:41:23 AM   
MasterLynxx


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		thanks, I'll try that.

(in reply to Taboo4Two)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/6/2008 11:09:58 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		You're either a dom or you're not. You're not. It isn't something you learn, or that "grows".

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 6:10:37 AM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

You're either a dom or you're not. You're not. It isn't something you learn, or that "grows".


i would agree with this - one can't "try" to be something they inherently are not.  It just doesn't work.  My opinion only. 

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



(in reply to antipode)
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RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 6:32:29 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx
Hey everyone, I'm in need of a bit of help. I know I'm a Dom at heart, but I don't have the confidence to express it to my sub, who knows she's a sub. She doesn't see me as ready to dominate quite yet because I lack confidence. Have any of you had that problem, where you lack confidence at the beginning of your lifestyle? If so, how did you overcome that?


Well, I'm going to have to disagree with those who've said you can't learn to be a dominant.  In my experience, people can learn to be damned near anything when they want to be.  Training someone to be a good leader is done every day in various contexts throughout the world.  Training someone to use whips and chains properly is trivial. 

I lacked "confidence" when I started... sort of anyway... close enough.  I got through that with the help of my wife and sub... as a team...  two people with a shared goal working through the difficulties as they came up.  Mike's advice is solid for gaining confidence with anything.  Start slow on easy things... become confident with that and then reach outwards from there.  The big concern I have here is that you and your sub are not working as a team which kind of means any sort of relationship is doomed to failure.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 6:56:11 AM   
MasterLynxx


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you leadership. I'll make sure to tell my kitten that, we'll try it out I think. Thank you.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 7:01:51 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		first... what do you mean by being a Dom? 



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
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RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 7:03:08 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx

She doesn't see me as ready to dominate quite yet because I lack confidence.



She has a point.

You have to be sure of yourself to win the prize.....
If you like to win but think you can't, you most probably won't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx

Have any of you had that problem, where you lack confidence at the beginning of your lifestyle?



Yes, but there are levels and reasons. There will always be a certain amount of uncertainty when you approach that which is unfamiliar; the crux of the matter is whether or not you think you'll get there in the end.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx

If so, how did you overcome that?



Time, accepting that slow, steady progress wins the race and crawling before you can walk.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
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RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 7:04:58 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

I would suggest you gain that confidence through play sessions before you take on a sub.


Great... He can become confident being a Top.. this has little if anything to do with being a Dom.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 7:19:01 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

I would suggest you gain that confidence through play sessions before you take on a sub.



Great... He can become confident being a Top.. this has little if anything to do with being a Dom.



I disagree, he can become confidant in taking charge of a play session(s) handling different things that can come up during it and proving to himself that he can do it and building his overall confidence. There are many types of play sessions, many that involve D/s as much as SM.

Mike

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 7:32:45 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx
Thank you leadership. I'll make sure to tell my kitten that, we'll try it out I think. Thank you.


You're welcome Lynxx.  I think the crux of this is going to be whether this is a serious or "play" relationship.  If it is serious (as in two people committed to living a life together... not a lifestyle... a life) then if she would stop ripping you down and instead pitch in to help, there's no reason to think the two of you can't make some magic.  If this is a play relationship, then there is insufficient reason for her to care so it'd make more sense for her to ditch you and go find someone who is more to her liking without any additional training requried.  I suspect that divide is why you're getting different answers here.  Things look very different when you are already committed to timelines that span decades.  If I wanted to go to some play party and sweep a sub off her feet for some hot sweaty sex, then yes, it'd be imperative that I was supremely confident and all domly from the first moment.  Doing this with my wife, however, is a whole different balllgame.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 7:59:39 AM   
MasterLynxx


Posts: 17
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		We want to go in to the serious. and she hasn't been ripping me down, but I can see where you may get that from. But you give very good advice leadership, thank you.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 8:04:34 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx

I lack confidence.


First of all,  do yourself a favor.  Don't ever repeat those words again...


You have a willing partner, so that's a good start.  I don't know what you have in mind or what being a dom means to you, but I'm sure you do.  Set it in your mind how you want things to be, how you want to control, how you want the dynamic to be. Do what comes naturally to you without second guessing yourself.   Behave in the manner that you think she will respond to as a submissive.

Her telling you that you don't seem confident enough sounds almost like a challenge.  Demonstrate to her you that you are in fact, confident.  I could give you a lovely example of what would work on me, but I'm not her.  It's up to you to figure out what she's going to respond to based on what you know of her.  And when she starts telling you that you don't have it in you, I would forbid her to even say those things.  It's counterproductive to the type of relationship you both want, and it undermines your efforts.  So, there's a good start.  Put your foot down on that, then open a discussion with her on what expectations you each have.




_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 8:07:51 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

I disagree, he can become confidant in taking charge of a play session(s) handling different things that can come up during it and proving to himself that he can do it and building his overall confidence. There are many types of play sessions, many that involve D/s as much as SM.


no... all that teaches him is that he can be confident in a play session... no more than he can have confidence in many other aspects of the things he already does in life.

If I want to be good being leader ... I don't go to learn to play hockey.  Granted... playing hockey is an opportunity to exercise my skills at being a leader.  But... if I am busying learning to play hockey... I am not going to be too focused on exercising and developing the skills of leadership.  yes they might! come... but only after I have become reasonable skilled at playing hockey.


To the OP:

I am confused by this statement from you "I don't have the confidence to express it to my sub".  It appears from this statement that you haven't said anything to your girl that you want to be the Dominant in the relationhip.  But I am not sure if that is really what you mean.  I believe that you have already have expressed that to each other... but you lacking confidence to express/exercise authority/dominance in the relationship.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is attempt to walk and chew gum at the same time.  What I mean by this is that you attempt to take on more than you are capable of doing.  You can't learn to do a skill and learn to be Dominant at the same time.  You lack of confidence in doing X will just further express you lack of confidence with your girl.

What I suggest is that you consider the things in life that you are comfortable with... things that you feel confident with.  It might be how to maintain a car.  It might be the computer.... it might be cooking... it might be financial matters... it could and should be a few things.  You have confidence in these things and this is the place you start.  It is likely you need to negotiate/ discuss with your sub and establish an understanding that you will have authority on these matters.  You might never exercised authority before... but one of the key blocks of leadership exercising authority is having confidence in what you know.  So figure out what you know... what you feel good about.

IE... maybe you are a music fan... and have alot of knowledge of the subject.  so you establish rules and protocals on what music gets played.  She can't turn on the music without your permission.  No radio or MP3 player etc.    and being the sadist I am... I would put all the music she hates on her MP3 player... but that's me.. *Grin*   This is just one thought on how you can take something you are already confident in.

The important thing to appreciate... is even though you might lack confidence in being the Dominant... you don't lack confidence in some areas of your life.  In fact you might be very confident in those areas... so start to exercise authority in those areas that you are already confident in.  The confidence you have in those things will spill into the exercising of authority.. in time you will feel more confident in exercising authority and being the dominant.  This will allow you to expand into other areas where you just might not have all that much knowledged of.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 10:34:15 AM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline 		It sounds like you are in a catch 22. You lack confidence in your ability to Dom, which makes it harder for you to Dom, which causes a lack of confidence...and on and on.
Perhaps a way to break this cycle is to spend some time doing things together that you both enjoy that do not involve BDSM. After all, the vast majority of us don't do BDSM 24/7 anyway. This will make you both feel more comfortable with each other and then the problem will begin to dissipate on its own.

I wish you well... 

< Message edited by masterforRT -- 10/7/2008 10:35:06 AM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 12:03:23 PM   
MizSexyVixen


Posts: 137
Joined: 6/6/2008
Status: offline 		Give the young man a break, he's 19.

In my opinion very few 19 year olds have the confidence to be a good dominant. That doesn't mean you are not a dominant, it means you are not a good dominant, and again this is JMO.

Being a good dominant isn't about being domineering, it's about understanding how to use power, and having yourself under control. These are things you can learn.

Please take some of the excellent advice given here: gain as much practical experience as you can, as much knowledge as you can, and as much self-knoweldge and introspection as you can.

And good luck!


_____________________________

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I was aiming for your balls.

check out my updated web site with five pages of photos

www.MizVixen.com

(in reply to masterforRT)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 12:39:51 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		MasterLynxx,

I honestly think leadership527 posted some excellent advice and thought on this matter.

I don't view being a Dom as being strongly coupled with play sessions.  I have to agree with what KnightofMists posted.

Being a Dominant in a D/s relationship is about far more besides being a good top in a BDSM play session.   Just because you can be in charge of a session by no means gives one the confidence required for a D/s relationship.

So, I guess was the OP geared towards "play" or towards "D/s relationships"?

In terms of confidence, there's self confidence and having confidence in your partner as well.   Confidence in what aspect?  The Ability to lead, take charge and make good decisions?   What if you make a crappy decision then what?  Do you have the ability to openly admit, Baby I'm sorry I made a stupid decision, however I'm not going to repeat that mistake again.  

The thing is this!  Nobody is perfect, being a Dom does mean you have to be perfect either.   You are simply a human being first and foremost, don't forget it. 


(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Need help with my confidence - 10/7/2008 1:07:31 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterLynxx
We want to go in to the serious. and she hasn't been ripping me down, but I can see where you may get that from. But you give very good advice leadership, thank you.


Yeah, meah-culpa.  "ripping you down" was certainly strongly phrased.  I'm glad you knew what I meant.  Just as an interesting afterthought, I happened to be sorting through my "notes" directory and came across this... the aftermath from the last time I lost my confidence as her master...

Tempest, turbulence, turmoil.
Confusion and sorrow supplant confidence and love.
Bold courage swept aside replaced by fear and self-doubt
Can I even do this?  Do I have the strength?
In my hopeless confusion I look up and see you.
Offering your service and yourself to me.
Holding out your hand,
"Come to me," you said, "I am yours and I love you"
And the storm melted away,
a fleeting dream, swept aside by the clean purity of your offering
And all that remained in it's passing
was you and me and our love.

teamwork is a beautiful thing.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to MasterLynxx)
Profile   Post #: 20
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