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Submissives - 10/6/2008 8:56:00 PM   
dombound45


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/6/2008
Status: offline 		I am new to being a dom and my contract with my submissive is setup for our bedroom only.  She claims to be a submissive but only does it when she feels like it.  She states that she will follow the rules that we setup but she only does it when she wants to.  Does anyone have any suggestions in getting her either to commit to being a submissive or not.  I have asked her outright and she states that she wants to be a submissive.  I feel like I am just wasting my time.    
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RE: Submissives - 10/6/2008 9:02:31 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		snicker ... sorry to hear there are wrinkles in things. 
best guess I can offer is to have patience, in time she may want to please you! 


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RE: Submissives - 10/6/2008 9:02:40 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		For me you need to set the tone right away. Otherwise it is hard to get it back on track. You have a couple of choices here talk to her and find out why she is doing what she want to you and not listen to you. Punish her and she if she comes in line, I would suggest punishment/corrective action in the form of something that she would learn from that her service was not acceptable. Move on if it is not working.

Of course there could be other things I have not thought of.
Mike

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RE: Submissives - 10/6/2008 9:11:13 PM   
BeIgnited


Posts: 191
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not quite clear on something: Are you unhappy because it's just in the bedroom and you want more than that, or because it's just in the bedroom and she's only submissive in the bedroom when she feels like it?

Regardless, you can't make her do anything. And if she isn't inclined to be submissive outside the bedroom (if that's what you want), there probably isn't much you can do about it. I'd suggest talking with her about re-negotiating your contract--whether that means adding D/s outside the bedroom, or putting measures in place for how/when D/s will occur in the bedroom. If you can't reach a compromise, you'll have to think about whether you'll be happy with this kind of dynamic in the long run.



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RE: Submissives - 10/6/2008 9:13:12 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		She only does it in the bedroom when she wants to? Or she's just not wanting to do it outside the bedroom?

It sounds to me like she's just not into it all the time- and if she doesn't *want* to do something, there's no way you're going to force anything. Punishing a girl who isn't into submission is going to do nothing for you. There's nothing wrong with her attitude, from what I can see... it's just a kink she likes to try out every once in a while.


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RE: Submissives - 10/6/2008 11:28:34 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dombound45

...only does it when she feels like it...only does it when she wants to.

...she states that she wants to be a submissive.

People can claim they want to work and yet only desire a 10-hours-a-week schedule. I don't think she completely understands what she wants, even though she internally perhaps 'knows' it (a confusion that happens with being new to the exploration).

Are you comfortable being in a role-play only dynamic? If not, then it's time to hash out, in detail, the expectations on both sides so as to properly decide if she can provide want you want and vice versa.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 10/6/2008 11:29:10 PM >

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 12:30:21 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		There seems to be a difference between what you both want. She says she wants to be a submissive, but has she defined what that means? Apparently it means that she wants to bottom when she's in the mood, which is perfectly valid. It seems that you want more, but you haven't defined what more means.

A relationship is about mutual understanding of what the other wants and each working to give their partner what they need. The thing is, you need to really define the things you're taking for granted you know. "Can I submit to you?" might mean forever of for five minutes twice a week.

Master Fire


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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 12:34:18 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

People can claim they want to work and yet only desire a 10-hours-a-week schedule.


Uhm... where can I apply for that job? I mean, provided the pay is significantly better than my current full time pay? (significantly better instead of just equal to because my current pay just SUX)

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~Dr. Seuss quote

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 4:48:11 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		A few quick suggestions....
 
1.  Ask her what being a submissive means to her.  Make sure you both are working from the same definition.
 
2.  Ask her if she wants to be your submissive.  We're not all compatible with one another, and if that's the case with the two of you there may be unrealistic expectations.
 
3.  Ask yourself if you really want her to be your submissive.  Maybe she's just not capable of meeting your own expectations.
 
4.  If you both have the same understanding about what it means to be submissive, she wants to be your submissive and you want her to be your submissive, then tell her that you're willing to help her develop the kind of power exchange relationship you're both looking for.  But if she's not willing or able to make some progress, you're going to have to cut her loose. 
 
5.  Do not threaten.  Just follow through on what you say.
 
6.  If need be, move on to finding someone more compatible.
 
John

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 6:18:51 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		*sighs heavily*  Yeah, what John said...again...

DomBound45:  Something to remember.  A person comes to you with or without a naturally submissive personality.  From there, is the decision to submit within some scope or context.  As John suggested, your first problem is to figure out what exactly dominance and submission means to the two of you.  The possible range of scopes and boundaries is so huge that it's unlikely you're both thinking the same thing. 

That initial decision to submit can be based on whatever reasons exist... it may be because the person is naturally submissive or it may be for god knows what other reasons.  In truth, the reasons only matter from a "know your slave" perspective.  It is the integrity that they bring to the decision, not the reasons for it that matter in terms of strength of the D/s dynamic. 

Finally, that decision sets you up for the final step.  How much submission can YOU, as the dominant, bring out of this particular sub.  This is going to be largely based on your patience, leadership skills, general trustworthiness, and the chemistry between the two of you.  The foolish dominant thinks that he can claim an entire sub over night.  In real life, it takes time for trust to develop... even for myself and my wife who'd been together for more than a decade before I collared her.  Go slow.  Allow that trust to build one step at at time.  If you, as the dominant, prove yourself to be trustworthy with the authority the sub grants you then it's likely she'll grant you more.  If, on the other hand, you extend your authority beyond the current trust levels...  well.... BAD(tm) things happen.

For the most part, it is my belief that a dominant gets the sub he deserves... for better or worse.  What sort of sub do YOU deserve?

~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:14:29 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dombound45

I am new to being a dom and my contract with my submissive is setup for our bedroom only.  She claims to be a submissive but only does it when she feels like it.  She states that she will follow the rules that we setup but she only does it when she wants to.  Does anyone have any suggestions in getting her either to commit to being a submissive or not.  I have asked her outright and she states that she wants to be a submissive.  I feel like I am just wasting my time.    



Yeah.....tell her: "ok, it's your show, why don't you go ahead and write down exactly what you need and when you need it".......when she comes back with an essay full of do's and don'ts, tell her, without so much as looking at her wish list: "'tell you what, fuck your rules, here are the rules.....go away and come back when you've digested and accepted them.....and bring a cake for the forthcoming, ceremonial, division of authority". One way or the other, something will give.

Failing that, challenge her to a duel at dawn.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 10/7/2008 7:34:45 AM >

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:25:44 AM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

Failing that, challenge her to a duel at dawn.


Ooo. Weapons! Can I be his second?

OP - she sounds like she might not be the right submissive for you. She has every right to play on her own terms, however, if they're not the terms you want, then you two simply aren't compatible. I'd suggest moving on.


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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:40:15 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dombound45

I am new to being a dom and my contract with my submissive is setup for our bedroom only.  She claims to be a submissive but only does it when she feels like it.  She states that she will follow the rules that we setup but she only does it when she wants to.  Does anyone have any suggestions in getting her either to commit to being a submissive or not.  I have asked her outright and she states that she wants to be a submissive.  I feel like I am just wasting my time.    


You hear the term "Bedroom Submissive" all the time... for me this is just another term for Bottom.  In my view of the world... Bedroom Submissive or Bottom has nothing to do with being submissive.  That doesn't mean such a person who is bottoming can't be a submissive personality.  But if the person is just interested in bottoming... it's not likely they are a submissive personality.

In a scene... Top gains a feeling of dominating and Bottoms gain a feeling of submitting because of the nature of a scene.  However, because one gains a feelings doesn't make them a Dominant or a Submissive in my view.  There are also a bunch of other feelings that one gets from a scene... but soon after the scene ends the feelings and desires subside and we go about life as normal.

Dominants and submissives will have that underlying motivation or drive to dominate or submit in their intimate relationships at a minimum and very likely in many other aspects of their life as well.  To dominate or submit is an integral part of their personality and it affects how they interact in their various relationships.

Now... many individuals do have that desire/motivations...  but lack the trust and confidence to open this aspect of themselves.  Submissive personalities in particular are most affected by the trust factor... while Dominant personality tend to most affected by the confidence factor.  Thou both will likely have issues with both.  In my experience, a submissive's trust will also be affected by the Domiants confidence and vice vrs. 

No one can decide for you.  But you have to determine if this girl is submissively motivated in her relationships or is she a bottom in the bedroom.  Onlly you can decide if your wasting your time or not.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 7:45:09 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VivaciousSub

Ooo. Weapons! Can I be his second?



You and I? I'd prefer a dance-off for top dog...

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I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 8:01:27 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Did she understand the contract when she signed it?

Sit down with her.  Ask her why she is not wanting to live up to the contract.  Ask her if there are any ways in which she feels that you are not living up to it as well.

Based on your experience, write up another contract.  Jointly.  Make sure she has input.

And if she won't live up to a contract she cowrote, leave.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 8:26:09 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dombound45
I am new to being a dom and my contract with my submissive is setup for our bedroom only.


DS, I think the question is, did HE. He clearly would like to change the contract now.

Contracts get changed, relationship agreements of all types do change - but there is nothing you can do to 'make' someone agree to such a change. Either they both want to change, or that won't work.

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“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 9:39:03 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Does anyone have any suggestions in getting her either to commit to being a submissive or not.

It doesn't matter what she claims she wants, if she is submissive only when she wants to, that is not being submissive. In order for the magic of D/s to work you have to have a Dom who IS Dominant, and a sub who IS submissive. You don't get there by writing a contract if the two of you aren't compatible in the first place.

It sounds to me like she is using you to get her sub kicks off when she feels like it. You may very well be wasting your time. If that is what her needs are, she is not the sub for you as you obviously want more. By allowing her to set the agenda, she is the dominant one in this relationship.



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You teach best what you have lived.

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 10:15:32 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic
It doesn't matter what she claims she wants, if she is submissive only when she wants to, that is not being submissive. In order for the magic of D/s to work you have to have a Dom who IS Dominant, and a sub who IS submissive. You don't get there by writing a contract if the two of you aren't compatible in the first place.

Yup, and never in the history of mankind has anyone ever grown into something or changed in some way.  People are definitely exactly and only what they ARE and will remain static without change forever.  Thank god my relationship contains quite a bit more dynamic evolution in it than this viewpoint represents.  Good lord, the twisted and tangled path my wife and I walked to get where we are involved a constant series of learnings, growth and change.  At most, you can say that she had some personality traits which inclined her towards a more submissive mindset and me a more dominant one.  But she was quite definitly not A submissive nor was I a dominant.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SirDominic)
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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 10:24:41 AM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline 		Many people are what I would call 'sexual submissives'. They want to assume the submissive role in bed, yet act dominant in their other activities. There's nothing wrong with this, especially if both partners can agree about it. In your case, it sounds that this might not work for you, which leaves you several alternatives.
First, you can accept things as they are. Next, you can try to communicate that you have a problem with the way things are and try to work it out together. Finally, you can find a new submissive. Personally, I'd go with the middle one.

When I first find a submissive, I begin (by) training their intellectual side. I deliberately downplay the sexual aspect, because by doing so, I can easily separate the 'wheat from the chaff' so to speak. I quickly find out how serious and or compatible they are with me. 95 % of them walk within the first week-looking for sexual satisfaction elsewhere. To me, that's just fine-as I'm truly looking for the remaining 5%.

< Message edited by masterforRT -- 10/7/2008 10:27:17 AM >

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RE: Submissives - 10/7/2008 2:44:51 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		~Fast reply~
Submissives misbehave because they want to be punished. If you are absolutely certain that she really does wish to be submissive, then tighten up any wiggle room in the contract, make certain she knows it will be used all the time, and start punishing her. If she claims to be submissive, but then gets cheeky...well-spank her. Punish her in a way she doesn't like.
Perhaps she acting up because she doesn't feel you're dominant enough for her? I'd love to know exactly what she's doing that is 'unsubmissive'. Is she not following the rules you set up? Are you enforcing them? When you set up rules, you're setting a bargain. She promises to obey, you promise to make certain that she does. If you stop keeping your end of the bargain, why should she keep hers? Although I'm not a brat, I have to know that the limits placed on me are solid ones. Disobeying, then being put back in line makes me feel very submissive. Maybe that's what she's looking for?
  Disobeying also typically gains her attention. If you're ignoring her, concentrating on something else, or even if she just wants to play, maybe she misbehaves so that you will notice her. She's begging you to be dominant by being a bit of a brat-you're reacting by whining and nagging her. Grab the bitch by the hair, fling her across your knee, and spank the brattiness out of her.


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In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
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