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Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 5:12:12 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		My long term internet sub is doing a work related seminar in Atlanta next week.  He wants to drive up one evening and see me.  I have already explained to him that I will be working until 8pm and he might not think it was worth a 4 hour round car trip to have dinner with me.  He said that I would be wrong in that assumption. 

This is the same man that I have mentioned here before.  I stopped speaking to him in early July because I caught him in a rather big lie... sort of the topper to many lies of omission.   He never flat out lied to me about anything... he just has a very bad habit of 'not mentioning' things.  His excuse is that he didn't think I would be interested in his life and that those things were not important.  Example of 'unimportant' things... he got married and had a baby along the way and didn't bother to tell me about his daughter until she was FIVE YEARS OLD!

He and I have not seen each other face to face in over 15 years.  Our contact has been limited to emails.  He has been both wonderful and dreadful during that time.  He's the roller coaster ride.  Fantastic dream guy one day, sarcastic little smart ass the next.  As any of you who have been on the net for extended periods of time know - you never know exactly what's going on when reading text.  You never know when someone is joking or serious.  Lying or being totally honest.  Sometimes, you just gotta look into someone's eyes to know who they really are.

I don't know about this dinner meeting.  I'm afraid that it will either start the entire 'relationship' back up again or put it in the grave for ever.  I'm not sure which I dread more. 


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the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 5:24:12 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Fantastic dream guy one day, sarcastic little smart ass the next.
 
Ah - women always do seem to love these men who are a combination of opposites!  ;-)

Well, if I were in your shoes, I'd have elves playing hopscotch in my belly till the time of the meeting.  Nothing anyone could say would stop that.

Good luck, MsStarlett - I hope things work out for the best for you. 

(in reply to MsStarlett)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 5:27:01 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Honestly if it were me if he believes that you aren't interested in his life and what goes on in it, taking it so far as to forget to tell you he was married and had a child...to me that is the same thing as lying only doing it silently. If his marriage and child aren't important then how can you be sure that you are? No I'd walk away from this one.

~Lashra


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(in reply to MsStarlett)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 5:39:00 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
If his marriage and child aren't important then how can you be sure that you are?


Exactly.

On the one hand, he 'overlooks' what most people would consider the most important things in one's life... his family.  On the other, he was so kind and supportive when my father died last year... telling me about how he was at his mother's side when she died and it was the only time in years that she had told him that she loved him.  

When I was in a dark and depressed place a couple of years ago, he was the one who pulled me out of it. 

When I demanded that he tell me more about his real life, I dumped all over him and stopped speaking to him for doing things that I don't approve of.

Up and down.  Up and down.  As Peon said, I love him and I hate him.  He's perfect and he's crap.  And we've been dancing this dance since 1989.


_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 5:51:46 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Hook up with him and you will keep on doing that dance. Just my opinion.

(in reply to MsStarlett)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 6:00:55 AM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		Too much drama.  "Forgetting" to tell someone for an extended period of time that you have a wife and child *is* deceitful.  Surely, you can make supportive friends with people who don't mess you about like this?

(in reply to MsStarlett)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 6:02:06 AM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		Some people were just made for the Internet and not real life.
It sounds like this man will be fine for you if he stays in the digital world but he would stress you out too much in real life.

If you are to continue, you may need to redefine your relationship.  Driving 4 hours for an hour or two worth of dinner sounds like he wants something from you, even if it is just to talk.
I've been in these situations, as long as you don't invest too much energy into it, you should be fine.

Never make someone a priority when they have made you an option.

Lady Jag

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 6:06:27 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I'd say no - he hides things from you, he does things that he knows you don't approve of - neither of which is the sign of a good submissive, internet or otherwise.  I'd let him go ... he's supported you during bad times - that's great ... but it sounds like he's given you some bad times too. 

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 7:50:24 AM   
sfdrew


Posts: 124
Joined: 6/15/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds like the kind of guy who only gets into relationships for himself. I think he was only every being supportive when you were high on his list of people who could give him what he wants or if he was afraid of losing you for later. He seems to treat his family that way too, only important when it's convenient. Of course this is a lot of assumptions about a short story.

My advice would be to keep up a polite but distanced email contact and not meet with him in R/L anymore.

(in reply to SweetDommes)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 8:07:25 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		even i dont have that much drama.  

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 8:09:56 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I'm unclear why if you haven't talked to him since July you've talked to him now about his idea to come up to see you?

Either you've cut him out of your life or you haven't.

If you have, tell him to take a hike and stop responding to his messages.

If you haven't, why not have dinner?

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(in reply to MsStarlett)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 8:41:08 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I mean no disrespect, but I wonder that you have known this person for 15+ years and did not know anything about his life?  When you talked for the past time, did he tell you anything about his life?  More importantly, did you ask?  If you established a pattern of discussion where no details of life and living were important enough to pursue, then can you really lay blame?  In July, did you change the dynamic and suddenly take an interest in his life?   Don't know the exact details, but something to think about.

Edit:  Also, if you did ask about his life and you did not get that info, then he deliberately deceived you and I think that would say it all.


< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 10/7/2008 8:46:08 AM >

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 8:47:05 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am really terrible at cutting my losses, so I can understand how much you still want to have contact with this guy.  Still, I would say don't indulge him.  If he wanted to see you, he has had fifteen years in which to do it.  Why is NOW suddenly convenient?  Has he gotten a divorce?



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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 11:13:02 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		The signs about his communication towards you are not promising. I also sense that he is not a great fit for you if you strongly disapprove of what he does in his personal life. Does that behavior shed light on his beliefs and principles, and create concern about how he might treat you? I wonder if you are having a struggle between reason and emotion where sensibility tells you stay away, but how you feel emotionally pushes in the other direction.

I think the type of relationship you envision with him is relevant, and how the reasons you wish to continue the relationship balance against the reasons not to do so.

That he is willing to drive 8 hours for 1-2 hours of dinner tells me that he expects a positive outcome: (1) either he expects the dinner will be a relationship building event for future, or (2) he thinks there might be a possibility for play after dinner.

So I think one question for you to consider is how you feel about these two outcomes. If you wish to continue a relationship with him and you are fine with either outcome, I don't think you have anything to lose.

If you are unsure about the play, is he the type who might say after dinner that he is too tired to drive back (it will probably be near 10 pm by the time you finish) and plans to spend the night in your city, and then try to create a sense of obligation for what he did to come see you? If you do not wish to play, is there something you can say that will let him know in uncertain terms that you will not be able to play (commitments the next day that make a late night impossible)?

Cheers,

Sea


(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 2:05:08 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I think the general consensus here is that there's no great change in the offing, MsStarlett.  Hook up with him and you will keep on doing that dance. Just my opinion -as Dnomyar puts it very succinctly. 

However, I don't agree entirely.  Meeting him can't help but change things because in the physical meeting you're moving a big way from fantasy life towards real life.  People don't often change but sometimes they do - I know this because I know myself.

Oh lord, you must be nerve-racked.  Please look after yourself.

(in reply to MsStarlett)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 2:16:14 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		The price for a ticket on a roller coaster tends to be much higher after the ride.  Only you can determine if that ride is worth it.  But most roller coaster rides I have paid for, were not.

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 2:22:33 PM   
MsWicked2u


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/28/2008
Status: offline 		That is the reason why I would never have an online sub.  I wouldn't want to establish any type of emotional connection to someone who I couldn't communicate with face to face.  Too many people use the net just for vicarious entertainment and others take it way too seriously and could wind up being hurt.  As for your dilema... I would not take this relationship seriously.  He's a sub and not even a faithful one.  Let him drive to you... treat you to a fabulous dinner with at least one or two expensive bottles of wine and then send him on his way.  Then replace him with someone local. 

(in reply to PeonForHer)
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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 2:23:53 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Ms Starlett

I somehow don't see the conflict as being within him but within you. It's not easy to let go when you've got a big soft heart there inside you, but sometimes needs must. My definition of a friendship is that in balance both parties have got something out of it over the years, and both parties are completely open and honest with each other right down the line.

While it may not necessarily call for a 'Dear John' type of e-mail I feel it would certainly call for a 'things have changed' type of e-mail. A four hour drive is a long way for dinner, unless you really really need to be with someone for just a few hours. Then you have to wonder why.

I'm sorry but in your situation I'd make my excuses.

stella

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 2:35:12 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Well, I'd give him a chance, MsStarlett.  A one-in-ten chance, but not a no-chance-at-all. 

I can't help thinking, as well: lucky, lucky man. ;-)

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RE: Domme Dilemma - 10/7/2008 3:29:18 PM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I would tell him that he could come if he walked it. Forgiveness is not one of my virtues.

(in reply to MsStarlett)
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