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RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 2:38:45 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

My Sir is the nicest man i have ever met. He asks my opinion about things, usually lets me chose where to eat, and what to cook - his feeling is is that i am an intelligent being that can contribute to the house.
I don't make the mistake that i can do whatever i want though - and i have never pushed him in that respect. I'm not that stupid! He is a sadist, but a very nice sadist! - he beats my butt with a smile.

(in reply to FRSguy)

Post #: 41

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 3:37:59 PM

bound4more

Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

Being pleasure-centric I’m not into making my sub/slaves unhappy, actually, quite the opposite, I the kind of guy who wants everyone happy and enjoying everything we do. So while most of what I plan and do revolve around this concept, it usually ends up with me asking my property what they would like and what they would prefer (instead of "just telling them" all the time.)

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave? Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing? Do you prefer options or orders?

I'm assuming you're referring to erotic and sexual things, when you say "asking my property what they would like and what they would prefer". Personally, in this area, I don't enjoy being asked, unless he wants me to beg. Perhaps initially it's necessary in order to learn your property's limits. But I find filling out one of those BDSM checklists to be enough. My feeling is, I belong to him and much prefer to know and focus on what he wants.

In non-erotic/sexual areas, I enjoy the liberty of expressing my opinions and desires, as long as I'm mindful to do so respectfully and that his decision is final. I very much enjoy the fact that my Owner finds my perspective interesting and helpful. It's part of how I serve him. Ultimately though, I think it's a matter of asking your property how they feel about this. No one else can really answer this question. As far as "ruining" things - well again, it depends on what both/all parties need with one another. If I crave dominantion, which I do, then I would find it extremely frustrating to have a Dominant being concerned about what I want. If I want to make sure that I'm topped as I wish to be, then that's a different story. Again, I think it's best to talk to your charge.

_____________________________

You can tell who someone really is by how they act

(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 42

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 3:42:50 PM

FetishRose

Posts: 212
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline

Dominance and kindness should not be mutually exclusive states. In fact, I would say most submissives prefer their dominant halves to be kind. Now, kindness does not mean that they can not also be strict, it does not mean you can't have all the sadistic/masochistic fun you want...because you can, and you should!

I personally love when a dominant is in all ways a gentleman or a lady. Calm, collected, kind, well-spoken, etc. Those are the things that appeal to me most.

(in reply to bound4more)

Post #: 43

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 4:16:34 PM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Well, it's highly debatable what exactly my wife and I are. I self-identify as Master/slave however so we'll go with that.

My wife and I practice an almost pure authority transfer dynamic - some would call it boring. By that, what I mean is that neither of us has any elaborate fantasy layers which get laid on top of the core dynamic. There is no hierarchy... no master/slavey stuff... She doesn't need me to be domly in any particular way. She doesn't even care if I assert control or not. All she cares about really is not having to make all the decisions and being pleasing to me. Accordingly, I could only be too nice to her if I was doing it at my expense.

yes. this is how TheEngineer and i are, also. he's more Daddy-dom than not, he knows and understands *my* nature and needs, and most wonderful of all they fit together with his like we were puzzle pieces.

i dont think it matters so much as to how anyone else sees the relationship (in answer to the OP)....i think as long as the people IN the relationship are content, thats all that really matters. to some people, yes, a dominant could be too nice. but what is "nice"?

buying someone who loves chocolate candy bars is very nice! unless you KNOW that the person is a diabetic and its going to make them sick if they eat more than a bite or two, and will eat it anyway. that isnt so nice.

kitten, whose Engineer buys the chocolate...then only allows her to have one square, every day or two.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 44

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 5:22:11 PM

secretsubnova

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/25/2006
Status: offline

It depends. For me, sometimes too nice can ruin everything and other times he can't be nice enough. Talk to your significant other about this and see how they feel. They should be able to offer some pretty good insight about the situation. :-) Good luck! Keep trying new things and find what works for you.

_____________________________

Are you a saxaphone or a mandolin player?

(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 45

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 5:23:27 PM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

It would depend upon the sub or slave you are dealing with. With the slaves I choose to accept, being too nice can and has ruined things. I restrict everything with them, which includes when to go to the bathroom, when to shower, when they may eat (sometimes eating on the floor at my feet), when they may drink, where they may sleep, what they may wear. In with all of this I show niceness by taking note of certain things they like and then using those as rewards. On very rare occasions they may get presents such as flowers to use to decorate my home, new clothes that I want them to wear, or down time so they can use the computer, read, listen to music, etc.

In one relationship I was too nice and this was subconsciously perceived by that slave as not being harsh enough to control her. This caused her to "pull at the chain" very often. I allowed my emotions of love to exceed my authority of ownership and the mastery slipped. Since then she has returned and is kept on a very short leash. I have learned to balance the amount of "nice" I can show, and sometimes reinforce things with a "slave beating" so she understands that first and foremost she is property. This has worked very well with my current slave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave? Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing? Do you prefer options or orders?

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 46

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 7:14:50 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
In reviewing my own patterns over the years, I've come to see that none of my ds relationships lasted more than about a year (maximum), and the base reason that they crumbled is that I actually couldn't function well in a relationship in which I was expected to be completely selfless and devoted to a man who was never going to care about me in return, or even be nice to me.

I think some people enjoy this dynamic, and more power to them, but I've come to realize that nice guys can absolutely be dominant (extremely so even) without having to be complete uncaring pricks about it. I'm at a place now where I know I deserve and am worthy of a man who is capable and willing of being nice, caring, and even loving. And I don't think it has to take away from the ds dynamic, on the contrary, I think it can enhance it.

Wow, Marie. Very insightful and so, so true for me as well. Congrats to you for discovering what you've written above

. That should go on a billboard!

luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 47

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 7:55:27 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509
The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave?

It can, when the Master is afraid that actually exerting his will damages is view of himself as "nice" and therefore holds back and never actually takes the control. I have known dominants that were so concerned that they would hurt their subs feelings by actually telling them what they wanted, or correcting something they did wrong, that they just let the sub run the show. IF you are doing that to keep your "nice" status, you are no longer the dominant.

quote:

Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing?

Always? no. Occasionally, I ask Fox. And even when I do ask, that is just an idea I still have the final say in everything we do. I may ask for input, but the only decisions Fox usually makes that are his and his alone are for dinner side dishes. Everything else, while I will take his opinion into consideration, comes down to what I want. If I was ALWAYS asking him, then I would be catering to his wants, not mine.

quote:

Do you prefer options or orders?

I prefer polite requests, acutally. Requests are going to be acted upon, there is no real option to say no but that is understood. I still ask him to do things, rather then telling him to. And I still say please and thank you. However, regardless of how its worded he knows I expect it done or I wouldnt have asked about it. Orders tend to make me think of frusteration, when I have asked and the hint hasnt been taken.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 48

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 8:13:39 PM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

My dom is exceedingly nice in person. I love this about him.

However, if, in the bedroom, he was constantly asking me what I wanted, we'd have a problem. Although I don't mind giving input, being asked repeatedly in the moment would probably kill the pleasure for me. Also, making choices about what we do makes me distinctly uncomfortable...that's just part of who I am. If my dominant was always like, ::ties me up:: "So, what should I do now?" we'd have some issues. If I wanted to boss a man around and focus solely on my pleasure, I wouldn't be submissive.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 49

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 9:10:57 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

Being pleasure-centric I’m not into making my sub/slaves unhappy, actually, quite the opposite, I the kind of guy who wants everyone happy and enjoying everything we do. So while most of what I plan and do revolve around this concept, it usually ends up with me asking my property what they would like and what they would prefer (instead of "just telling them" all the time.)

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave? Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing? Do you prefer options or orders?

Hmm... the title of this thread makes me think of something different than the question within it.

A dom or master cannot be too nice for me. Warmth, kindness, compasion, affection - I love these, and can not get enough of them. These things make me like and appreciate a master, and want to serve him more.

However, speaking purely from a IMO YMMV stand point...

Giving me options and choices isn't always nice. I'm the type that likes doing what my master wants, to the point where I'd far rather being what he wants to do than something I come up with independently, even if what my master wants is the exact same thing as what I want.

Submissive emotions often don't make sense, but are none the less "true" in some way for me.

A master making choices for me is his gift to me, even when it's entirely self-serving on his part.

Mind you, a master asking my thoughts and feelings on something is nice and considerate. That being said, my preference is for the final choice in the matter to always come down to him.

(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 50

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/15/2008 11:03:16 PM

monywildcat

Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

Yes, I think that a master/dom/daddy/whatever can be too much of anything. When this happens, the balance is off. If I were having to constantly make all the decisions, I would wonder "who's running the show here?" and I wouldn't like it one bit. I'm not wired that way. Now, occasional options and decisions, no problem. I can pick where we go for dinner every now and then (even though I may choose the place he's most likely going to want to go), what band we may go see (Metallica in November! Woohoo!) or what may happen during playtime. But if this turned into an all-the-time thing, I would be bothered. Greatly. I would start wondering if something was wrong.

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 51

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 11:00:41 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
In reviewing my own patterns over the years, I've come to see that none of my ds relationships lasted more than about a year (maximum), and the base reason that they crumbled is that I actually couldn't function well in a relationship in which I was expected to be completely selfless and devoted to a man who was never going to care about me in return, or even be nice to me.

I think some people enjoy this dynamic, and more power to them, but I've come to realize that nice guys can absolutely be dominant (extremely so even) without having to be complete uncaring pricks about it. I'm at a place now where I know I deserve and am worthy of a man who is capable and willing of being nice, caring, and even loving. And I don't think it has to take away from the ds dynamic, on the contrary, I think it can enhance it.

Wow, Marie. Very insightful and so, so true for me as well. Congrats to you for discovering what you've written above. That should go on a billboard!

luci

Thanks luci : )

I guess that's common sense 101, but for me it was a learning process, and a slow evolution of self-awareness about what I could or couldn't tolerate, and under what conditions I would/wouldn't thrive.

I still need a dominant presense and a sadistic streak in a partner, but I've learned that it doesn't preclude him from being capable of a mutually caring relationship.

As they say: Experience is the best teacher.

Thanks again for the kind words.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 52

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 1:58:57 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

I said there is such a thing as TOO nice.

I agree. Your regular dining at his expense, is him being far too nice.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

Somewhere in my rambling, I forgot to mention that I require physical punishment, so if you're too nice to beat my ass until I cry when I've fucked up, we're not going to work out.

Again, serving your physical punishment requests, is being far too nice.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

Post #: 53

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 2:52:19 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Oh sure. Coming from the original "Mr. Niceguy" himself.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 54

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 3:13:26 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Oh sure. Coming from the original "Mr. Niceguy" himself.

Settle down, Marie.....there's no cyber spat in the offing, here.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 55

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 3:15:34 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

Being pleasure-centric I’m not into making my sub/slaves unhappy, actually, quite the opposite, I the kind of guy who wants everyone happy and enjoying everything we do. So while most of what I plan and do revolve around this concept, it usually ends up with me asking my property what they would like and what they would prefer (instead of "just telling them" all the time.)

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave? Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing? Do you prefer options or orders?

~FR~

Yes doing to much for your slave can make her feel useless.
Always asking what they want to do makes us feel like we're the one in control all the time and it disallusions us.
Options on some things are fine, but always wanting us to make the decision or wanting us to come up with ideas for you is fustrating and irriataing and again, makes us feel like we are in control.

Whats the point of having a Master if you have to make all the decisions anyway?
Whats the point of having a Master if we are not allowed to serve the Master and the Master is ALWAYS trying to serve us?

IMO, if i have to make all the decisions, if i have to ask for rules and rituals, and enforce them or remind my Master that they are in place etc. I may as well be single or in a vanilla relationship where i know i have to be in charge of everything anyway so there is no feelings of disallusionment. Feelings of being unfullfilled and unhappy yes lol but atleast i know it's going to be that way from the start if I choose that kind of relationship.

< Message edited by akisha -- 10/16/2008 3:32:42 PM >

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It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 56

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 3:50:15 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Oh sure. Coming from the original "Mr. Niceguy" himself.

Settle down, Marie.....there's no cyber spat in the offing, here.

You never let me have any fun.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 57

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 3:58:35 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Oh sure. Coming from the original "Mr. Niceguy" himself.

Settle down, Marie.....there's no cyber spat in the offing, here.

You never let me have any fun.

Since when was arsing around in cyber land, the road to fun?

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 58

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/16/2008 5:01:22 PM

kristileigh

Posts: 1078
Joined: 3/23/2008
Status: offline

i still respect and of course obey Master, even though He does ask if i am alright. and i do still know who is the boss and who is in charge, why Master Chris of course! Master might be caring but i still know He is charge and will always be.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 59

RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? - 10/17/2008 7:46:54 AM

Morniel

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

Being pleasure-centric I’m not into making my sub/slaves unhappy, actually, quite the opposite, I the kind of guy who wants everyone happy and enjoying everything we do. So while most of what I plan and do revolve around this concept, it usually ends up with me asking my property what they would like and what they would prefer (instead of "just telling them" all the time.)

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave? Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing? Do you prefer options or orders?

This is a subjective question, and without knowing more about you and your partner (I got tired of typing sub/slave/boi/girl/significantother.... I'm old and have tired fingers) it might be difficult to really answer what you're asking, but here goes.

I've had people tell me that Soltic is "too nice".....

Soltic asks me what I want -- and what I need. He bases decisions on my answers. He doesn't always give me options or choices, because he knows sometimes that is "too much" for me, and in the end HE makes the decision, but he does want my input.

Soltic rarely punishes/disciplines. (Of course, I try not to put him into a position where he has to.) He frequently rewards, even if sometimes the reward is as simple as a kiss or a "good girl, Morn".

Soltic enjoys making people feel good, in bed, outta bed, at work, at home. If it makes HIM feel good to take care of me, who am I to complain!

Now, in with all this "too nice" behaviour, Soltic still maintains standards or rules. Certain things around the house must be done, in order for the home to run smoothly. Certain medical/health things have to be done, in order for me to remain healthy and therefore remain able to care for him and satisfy him. Certain standards of behaviour have to be complied with, in order to maintain a working relationship.

As I mentioned above, Soltic rarely punishes/disciplines, and he is nice and loving and so on. But, he EXPECTS standards to be met, and his behaviour and his demeanour -- his presence if you will? -- projects that he expects compliance.

It works for him. It works for me. That isn't to say it would work for everyone; there might be folks out there who need a very strict, very stern, very hard (er... you know what I mean) partner.

But there's definitely no such thing as "too nice", so long as the master/mistress maintains the air of command and control.

< Message edited by Morniel -- 10/17/2008 7:50:43 AM >

(in reply to exile509)

Post #: 60

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