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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 4:26:42 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		hey hejira, 
I'm sending you a big fat squeezy hug from here to there!  mwah!
sunshine

ok, hijack over


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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 4:38:41 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

I am so physical touch! I lived without it for all the years of my marriage. If I touched him, he thought it meant I wanted sex- so would reject it and me. Can you imagine ME being with a man like that?
 



I so understand you - i was married to  a man who only touched me when he wanted sex - no hugs, no pats on the fanny, no playing footsies on the couch. I don't understand how i survived it.

My Sir is a toucher - we play footsies on the couch, we hug and kiss, we hold hands and i hardly ever go past him where he doesn't pinch me on the nipple, pull my labia rings or pat my butt.  We even rub legs under the table at restaurants!  I am definitely in hog heaven now!!!

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 4:44:54 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		It IS common for many Southerners to be way more touchy-feely. When I was pregnant, I can't tell you how many little old Southern ladies, and others felt the need to touch my belly, or once the baby was born, touch the baby, too. Certainly babies, children, elderly people, and the frail will tend to get a kindly touch for assistance. Many Southerners simply use touch as a way to "connect" in a friendly manner. I've done it myself.  I am also guilty of calling people darling, and sweetie and sugar- though that's more to children than adults. I don't really feel the need to be apologetic for it, but if someone is going to bristle up and get offended...well, I CAN refrain from doing so. I suppose I am of the mind..."when in Rome......"  I'm not saying everyone should just "deal" with things that make them uncomfortable, but at the very least, when in a place with a different set of cultural norms, some tolerance might be in order.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 4:46:47 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting test.  I scored as follows.

3%  Words of Affirmation   1   
27%  Quality Time   8   
7%  Receiving Gifts    2   
37%  Acts of Service    11   
27%  Physical Touch    8 

I was somewhat surprised that words of affirmation scored lowest given my love of language.  But, upon reflection I realized the reason why, I am also the sort of person who very much believes in "deeds not words," so the score does make sense.  Gifts have never overly impressed me so that score does not surprise me at all.  I suppose I should not be surprised that Acts of Service scored highest... I am a dominant after all.  LOL   Physical touch would have been my pick for highest score before the test... normally I am not open to being touched... I don't even like to shake hands (though for business reasons I've learned to develop a good firm handshake)... but within an intimate relationship touch becomes very important.  Its as though I've unconsciously reserved "physical contact" only for those I care for... something only they are permitted.  Quality time also is important time, especially one on one.  In retrospect the scores make sense to me.

I think it would be interesting if there were a test that scored in which "languages" we communicate well to others.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 5:16:19 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I can say this about love languages, even tiny movements toward "getting" your partners love language can have very large impacts on how well taken care of they feel.  It made the difference between my misery and being a rather happy man.

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 5:18:50 PM   
KMsAngel


Posts: 17415
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Part of the importance of understanding this stuff is that we then can learn to "hear" our partners loving us.  BSB is very much a guy and LOVES fixing things for me and does it fairly often.  On some level this really didn't do much for me but I am working on "hearing" that work as her saying "I love you" but it takes work on both sides to meet in the middle. 
quote:

link for test


i read this book years ago. an interesting point i was told by a counsellor, was that in a new-ish relationship, watch what things your partner does for you. that will often coincide with what THEIR love languages are. this often works in with what past partners did or didn't do and appreciate in them.

for myself, it's physical touch. i'm a very physically affectionate person with not much outlet for it, and haven't had it in return for years. because my ex didn't like this aspect, i've learned to be more reserved with touch and i hate that.

if someone fixes things for you, than often her primary language will be acts of service. it takes time and patience and application to realise what your partners language need is and to adapt to it so THEY feel loved.

worth it though.



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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 5:20:42 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

I think it would be interesting if there were a test that scored in which "languages" we communicate well to others.


It might be a bastardized way to do it... but do the test... but instead of looking at each question as what you like to recieve from your partners... look at them as how you like to show love to your partners.  It might give you alittle idea of that.

As far as the test....

27 % Words of Affirmation
16 % Quality Time
0 %  Recieving Gifts
30% Acts of Service
27 % Physical Touch.

I wasn't really surprized by the result, largely because of the conversations I have had with my girls.  I asked them how they seen me recieving love and they had slightly different perceptions on that answer.  But even though they are different they are both right.  Each specific relationship with my girls is spoken in it's own language.

When it comes to communicating love to my girls... I am very much about Words and Touch with a secondary strength in Quality Time... Acts of Service is only just abit above Gifts at a zero (just don't do the gift thing).

I agree with others that this is not just a lifestyle thing.  But I do find that the lifestyle thing is part of the dialect or subset of the languages I speak in.

As far as learning.... What I found the book did was gave me an understanding of how I communicate love and feel love is being communicated to me.   I have always understand Why I love Alandra and Why I love Kyra.  But How to communicate that love in a manner that is understood by all is another thing all together.  This book help to look at things from a perspective of the other person rather than just myself.  Just because I touch them and say loving things to them doesn't mean that I have actually communicated love to them even if I feel that is what I am saying.  I recall a part in the book where a husband had difficulty understanding why his wife found Acts of Service so loving as his language of communication was Physical Touch.  Specifically, him doing the laundry was an act of love for her.  Mr Chapman explained to the husband that she gained the same feeling from him doing the laundry as he felt when they made love.  All he could say... was give me all the laundry.  It made me realize that I don't need to understand why they understand or feel love when I communicate in a certain way... Just that they do!  I want my girls to feel loved... I want to feel loved... as a result... we are looking at ways to communicate that love in manner that the other understands.




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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 5:34:01 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		23%  Words of Affirmation
30% Quality Time
0% Receiving Gifts
13% Acts of Service
33% Physical Touch

Really no surprises there for me.  

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 6:12:02 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		Touch is certainly very significant to me, especially in the context of play, but the touch I crave outside the bedroom is small, and probably not readily apparent to outsiders-a hand on my arm, him moving the hair out in front of my eyes, a little quick squeeze of my hand. I don't need him macking on me in the "10 items or less" checkout lane of the Walmart to feel like he cares. Words of affirmation are nice,( and we've had more than one thread about words that your Master says that get you going),  but the words that show me he loves me come out of the blue and are best served up in a quiet moment when he looks me in the eyes. As for acts of service-When he helps me with anything that would be difficult, or costly for me to handle on my own- getting my car to the repair shop, fixing a broken window, hauling off limbs from a tree that fell in my yard, I feel like he is watching over me, taking care of me, and showing his love and concern for me. I can't say I expect gifts as a sign of love, but at the same time, when he gives me something small and unexpected that demonstrates his understanding of who I am, or shows evidence that he's been listening to me, I cherish the effort on his part and feel his love. What all those things communicate is "I am paying attention to you" and "you matter to me", and any time I feel that...it IS Quality time.  

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 10/18/2008 7:02:02 PM >

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 6:31:10 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I did my test but I am going to keep it a secret and see if BSB can guess the order of mine, which I am pretty sure she will.

As for the concept itself, it is a pretty good one, in fact, BSB got me the book for my birthday.  I am enjoying it in between school work.


I haven't yet done the test because I was looking at it from my phone while at dinner...(shocker I know ) But I am fairly certain I could guess your answer to every, single, question!  Please hold...


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A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 6:52:16 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for the informationon the book, Knight of Mists, I will plan to give it a look.
I took the test that KatyLied posted for the love styles listed in the book and, far and away (40%), scored highsest on physical touch. I agree with kyraofMists in terms of not liking to be touched by just anyone but very much wanting that from someone dear.  If I want to be touched by a person, I am an absolute cuddle monster if allowed and, distinctly, I also am very sexually receptive the more emotionally involved to or bonded with someone I feel.  My ex- and I were stuck together often (That lessened as times got worse, and definitely identified as a symptom of problems) and those I am attracted to tend to be strongly touch-based as well.  Thank you all for the sharings and for this interesting thread. 
  Davan 

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 7:15:09 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Part of the importance of understanding this stuff is that we then can learn to "hear" our partners loving us.  BSB is very much a guy and LOVES fixing things for me and does it fairly often.  On some level this really didn't do much for me but I am working on "hearing" that work as her saying "I love you" but it takes work on both sides to meet in the middle. 


Perhaps that sentence could have read:

"BSB is just like a guy.."?

********************************
My results are:

30%     Words of Affirmation
7%       quality time
13%      receiving gifts
23%      Acts of service
27%      physical touch




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A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 7:29:37 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Great topic KOM!  I scored 33% equally on both Acts of Service and Physical Touch, 17% on Quality Time, 13% on Words of Affirmation and 3% on Receiving Gifts.
 
Now I have to get a copy of this book. 

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 7:30:43 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I also had to take the test.. but that is another topic for another time
The results explained a lot to Me about My state of mind.

Acts of Service 30%
Words of Affirmation 27%
Physical Touch and Quality time both 20%
Gifts 3%

Fantastic topic and a wonderful link

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Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 7:34:31 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

but what made you think others didn't have it. Why not forget the others..and just be happy with what you feel.
Does happyness need to be "weighted" looking at others?

But I do know what you talk about...it is a great feeling.

OK.  I might not have used proper phrasing there.  Perhaps I would have done better to say that ours was much more the outward expressive type.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 7:34:45 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think anyone is going to mistake you for a guy.

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 7:48:10 PM   
suhlut


Posts: 622
Joined: 7/20/2007
Status: offline 		Words of Affirmation  13%

Quality Time  30%
 
Receiving Gifts   10%
 
Acts of Service   10%
 
Physical Touch   37%

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That girl is pretty kinky
The girl's a super freak

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 7:56:21 PM   
AmberMoore


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/30/2008
Status: offline 		I love this topic! When I first saw the Title my mind immedeatly went to this passage from a short story that was published in the First Volume of Leatherwomen. The Story was called "We Never Speak of these Things" It was credited to Maria K. Adar but thats just another one of Laura Antoniou's pen names. I've always been more of a lurker here than a sharer but I just wanted to share this beautiful passage.

******

And sometimes, I fell confused. At the emotions you bring out in me, at the ways you've made me rethink. You make me a tyrant, a monster, who dines on your suffering and drinks your strength. I am never so wonderful in you eyes as when I grind you into the dirt, leaving marks of scorn on your body and soul. You depend on me for approval yet wish for my anger. You always want and need more from me; yet as time passes, you make yourself content with less. I want to reward you, make you happy. But do so, I must punish you and make you feel like nothing.

I don't know how I do this. But somehow, when I am with you, it all comes out of me. I am over whelmed by my own hungers, all responding to yours.

I want to own you, to possess you, to mark you with my spirit. I want to raise you up as my most precious thing, not my lover, not my girlfriend, not my slave, not my submissive, not my bottom, not my toy, my boy, my girl, my pet, or my thing, but just absolutely Mine, for as long as we live.

I am honored by your devotion and loyalty. I am humbled by your patience and strength. I am awed by your faith in me, and your ready obedience. I am made whole by your love.

We tell each other these things every time we meet. We never speak of these things.

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 9:04:37 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

I am so physical touch! I lived without it for all the years of my marriage. If I touched him, he thought it meant I wanted sex- so would reject it and me. Can you imagine ME being with a man like that?
 



That exactly describes my marriage.

quote:


I will never forget a trip to the Keys Master and I took early on. We were watching a street performer and Master moved behind me and put His arms around me and held me so I could lean on Him. The casual, loving touch was too much for me and I began to cry for the beauty of the gesture. I can never express to Him what it means to me to be loved by a man who speaks my love language.



Wow, sweetie, this reminds me of the first weekend I spent with the man I'm currently seeing. Our first night together he snuggled up with me. He didn't see the tears I let out, but like what you said, it was overwhelming to me. In a great way.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 10:22:45 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		FR

I think I'm a touchy-feely, mushy words kind of person...let me go take that test, I'll be back.

Soooooooo

23% Words of Affirmation
23% Quality Time
10% Receiving Gifts
13% Acts of Service
30% Physical Touch

Yep, touchy feely and mushy, that's ME!!!

Thank you for posting this thread, I have heard about the book, now I have to read it.


_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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