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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 11:41:19 AM   
JustDarkness


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

People read books like these to gain awareness - about themselves, their relationships, the world at large, concepts they hadn't thought of before, etc. Picking up a book like this doesn't automatically mean there are problems in the relationship. Reading expands knowledge. I'm pretty sure, even though I have heard these "5 Love Language" concepts before, if I read the book I would learn things I did not previously know, and I would think about things I had not previously thought about.

For some, myself included, it's a general interest in expanding my thoughts. It's the same reason I have read some of the other philosophical books that I have. I love having "Ah HA!" moments, when I discover something about myself - something that may be so simple - that I hadn't realized before. I'm not going to have those moments if I decide I don't need to read something because I know it all, already.



interesting,,,,,thank you :)

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 11:44:44 AM   
NuevaVida


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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 12:58:09 PM   
SimplyMichael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527


quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
The point being that saying "I am only going to be emotionally fed when you do it exactly how I want" is as silly as...

Well, you and I are going to have to agree to disagree here then. You know that my general feeling about relationships is always "let's meet in the middle". But this is one of those cases where I feel strongly that the way better rule is "receiver rules". It is not my belief that we get to consciously choose in what ways we need to be fed. Over time, perhaps, as KoM suggests, we can evolve. But from a pragmatic, day-to-day, how to ensure your relationship actually works standpoint, in my experience it is way easier for the lover to bend than the lovee in this case. I make it a point of delivering my "i love you" to carol in the coin of her realm, not my own. That's why she feels so loved. I personally find it relatively easy to see "spending meaningful and focused conversation time" with her as a warm and loving gesture. I think, however, that I could spend forever trying to learn to get loved myself that way with minimal success.


Jeff,

I think we are closer than we realize.  I think you SHOULD strive to deliver your "love" in ways your partner wants/needs/hears.  I think it would be the height of arrogance to sit there and do the opposite, expecting your partner to thrive off of however you communicate love.  And I agree that it should be the receiver who dictates (or at least who's needs define the content) how that love is shown.

That said, I think that the more you can learn to appreciate how you lover says "I love you" naturally, the richer your love bucket can be.  And people can change how they show love, I used to do it in such a charming way that after I was done with a woman they used to end up being an insecure wreck.  I am every so slightly better now.  Same goes for BSB and I.  We have BOTH had to learn how to give and receive love differently but as we have done so, our love has deepened and become much more nurturing, not just hot sweaty animal lust of the deepest and most intoxicating nature putting Klingon sex to shame.

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 1:25:12 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

I think it would be the height of arrogance to sit there and do the opposite, expecting your partner to thrive off of however you communicate love.

What about looking for someone who thrives off of how you communicate your love.




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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 1:35:01 PM   
IrishMist


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I am such an oddball.

I don't enjoy hearing words of love
I don't enjoy being touched like most do in relationships
I don't enjoy the receiving of gifts
I don't enjoy another doing things for me

I do however, enjoy quality time spent with another. To  me, that says more than words, touch, gifts, or service can ever do.

Of course, my idea of quality probably differs quite a bit from others; but that does not matter much in the big scheme of things.

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 4:03:59 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

/sigh
I am such an oddball.

I don't enjoy hearing words of love
I don't enjoy being touched like most do in relationships
I don't enjoy the receiving of gifts
I don't enjoy another doing things for me

I do however, enjoy quality time spent with another. To  me, that says more than words, touch, gifts, or service can ever do.

Of course, my idea of quality probably differs quite a bit from others; but that does not matter much in the big scheme of things.

If you don't enjoy any of those things..what possibly could you be doing during quality time? Just curious.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 4:25:22 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

I think it would be the height of arrogance to sit there and do the opposite, expecting your partner to thrive off of however you communicate love.

What about looking for someone who thrives off of how you communicate your love.


Yes.. another thing to define ourselves to limit our options.

Or.. we can seek to expand ourselves and increase those options.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Icarys)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 4:45:11 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		20% Words of affirmation score: 6
20% Quality Time             score: 6
7% Receiving Gifts           score: 2
23% Acts of Service         score: 7
30% Physical Touch          score: 9



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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 5:18:13 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

I think it would be the height of arrogance to sit there and do the opposite, expecting your partner to thrive off of however you communicate love.

What about looking for someone who thrives off of how you communicate your love.


Yes.. another thing to define ourselves to limit our options.

Or.. we can seek to expand ourselves and increase those options.

You see it as limiting and I see it as compatibility.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
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Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 5:41:53 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		23% Word or affirmation.........7
33% Quality time...................10
0%   Receiving gifts.................0
20% Acts of service................6
23% Physical touch.................7

hummm....interesting test.  It seems i'm bilingual...words and touch are equally important to me.....
I can understand why quality time scored so high to me...i spent 26 years with a man who was a workaholic...to me it doesn't matter what you're doing....chores, errands, vacations, whatever...as long as you do them together and enjoy the others company, that is what is important. 
Any tool a couple can use to gain insight into their partners thinking and actions can only strengthen the bond...

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 5:55:08 PM   
Padriag


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Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		You say tomatoe I say potato...

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 6:00:41 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

You say tomatoe I say potato...

My point exactly.


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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 6:37:05 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

You see it as limiting and I see it as compatibility.



You see compatibility.... and I seek to maximize success in finding that compatibility.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Icarys)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 6:56:32 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

You see it as limiting and I see it as compatibility.



You see compatibility.... and I seek to maximize success in finding that compatibility.

I usually just talk to people to see if they are compatible.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

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Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:03:28 PM   
Padriag


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Status: offline 		Well... technically you've already found your success... or are you looking for a third girl?  In which case... dude... leave some for the rest of us ya greedy bastard! 

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:13:21 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Well... technically you've already found your success... or are you looking for a third girl?  In which case... dude... leave some for the rest of us ya greedy bastard! 

I'm sure he meant he wants to make sure he has continued success with the ones he has. Unless of course he's looking for that third.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

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Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:16:26 PM   
MadRabbit


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Status: offline 		At some point, compatibility comes to an end and bad relationship skills begin.

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Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:21:07 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
I'm going have to disagree here Michael. I feel strongly that it is incumbent on the lover to love their partner in ways meaningful to them. Try as you might, you are never going to be able to feel "loved" in languages other than that which you need/want. Or, at least, I have never managed that. In my opinion, much as I'd always prefer to meet my partner in the middle, in this case, it just doesn't work out that way. We each meet on the other person's side *laughs*.


Michael is right... we can learn to "Hear" that are partners are showing or expressing love.  "Hearing" is not the same as feeling.  However... in time you can evolve from just "Hearing" to "Feeling"... this is happening to me in my relationships.  Quality Time in my past has never been a biggie.. but that has changed in the past few years. 

Secondly.. I do agree that it is incumbent upon all partners to make the effort to communicate effectively if you want the message to be understood.  Part of that is communicating in a way that everyone understands what the message is.  We can learn new languages... but only if we are willing to learn them.  When we learn them... we will begin to feel the emotions that will come from the message as well.  This is not immediate process... it takes time... but it does happen if you let it. 

There is a difference between trying to change ourselves to better interpret the ways of another (which, although terribly cute and endearing, is silly) and learning to understand the 'language' of another.

To me, getting to that point of understanding specifically doesn't mean I morph myself into a creature that can be emotionally stimulated by things just because they do them (that would be a passive action anyway)....rather it brings me to a better understanding of what to show/do to them that is more in line with what I know they'll appreciate better (an active stance).

I'm sorry...but no amount of adoration for my partner, if they love NKOTB, will make me happy to receive a CD of the band, if said partner gave it to me as a gift, just because it would 'mean a lot' to her and I should learn the 'language' of nausea-inducing boy-band music because it happens to please her aurally.


I'm with ya on this.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

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Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:23:29 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

At some point, compatibility comes to an end and bad relationship skills begin.

Hopefully you've learned enough in life to be okay when that happens for either side. I still look for someone that will match me as much as humanly possible..kinda weeds out a few problems when you do that.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/19/2008 7:39:39 PM   
MadRabbit


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys
I still look for someone that will match me as much as humanly possible..kinda weeds out a few problems when you do that.


I have no doubt that it does. When there isn't someone to be in a relationship with, then there is no problems to weed out or work through.

Personally, I find the "My Way or The Highway" mentality to relationships to be very bad advice. While it's important in a power based relationship for there to be a clear understanding of who is in charge, taking a position of inflexibility as a dominant is self defeating. The same with taking a prideful "I will change for no one" and the search for that one true compatible partner who matches you in every way so you don't have to work through any difficulties. I find that to be as sensible as not working on a career in the hope of winning a lottery.

In fact, I find that most people who advertise this type of attitude are usually single while the people who are in long term committed power based relationships list flexibility and willingness to work toward a goal together as strong attributes for a dominant to have.

Hell, for a leader to have. I can't think of any major accomplishment in my life that didn't require flexibility and a willingness to mold and overcome "problems" in order to an achieve.

I find relationships to be the same thing. An accomplishment. Something you work toward. Compatibility plays a degree in it, but you don't achieve something by being "compatible" with the goal.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Icarys)
Profile   Post #: 100
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