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RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 8:25:59 AM

BPT1947

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/18/2006
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The community is small and tends to be incestuous. The same thing goes on in other areas, Boston, Hartford and Providence in my experience. You're also a member of a minority community and this behavior always seems to appear within minority populations. I don't have any solutions for you. My best counsel is be yourself and take the higher ground. Rise above it.

Barrister
http://barrister1.blogspot.com/

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 21

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 8:36:30 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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It isn't like this every where but sadly it can quickly become like you describe, subsnow.

This is one reason we left what had been our local community.

One thing you can do (though it may be too late) is to go to a lot of different groups and events and not accept invitations from any individuals or couples for several months. If you are asked why say you are new and are trying out a lot of groups and events to see what will work best for you. If someone reacts negatively, you know who to stay away from immediately.

Someone who understands demonstrates that they care more about the bdsm community in general and everyone finding their own way than his/her own power and authority within that community.

You can also simply refuse to gossip and walk away when it starts to happen. That won't stop those sorts of people from talking about you but you can feel good about yourself when you refuse to sink to their level.

_____________________________

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 22

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 8:47:55 AM

sailorfrank

Posts: 127
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline

OMG???? Gossip at a Munch never!! Well crap hope that stuff never happens here at CM....like imgaine it people talking about other people?

OH the SHAME!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 23

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 9:20:49 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
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What you have to remember is that we could speak to a few other people from this area who attend these very same events and they might very well say "Oh these munches are great. Very supportive with lots of friendly and helpful people. There's a high level of camaraderie". The whole 'are all munches like this"' line may not even apply to the munches in question.

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 24

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 10:26:03 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

EXACTLY ! if your not playing into the drama and cross talk rumor mill it shall not matter .

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Well the OP is quite young. i find that as people get older they dont care so much what people say behind their backs. SO maybe in time this wont be so big of a problem.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 25

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 10:30:39 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

EXACTLY ! if your not playing into the drama and cross talk rumor mill it shall not matter .

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Well the OP is quite young. i find that as people get older they dont care so much what people say behind their backs. SO maybe in time this wont be so big of a problem.

That's a nice thought, but when the group becomes consumed with it, it makes it difficult for new people to enter the scene and for those not involved to have a valuable experience. Older group members in my area tended to be the ones involved in the drama, so I don't think age matters.

(in reply to azropedntied)

Post #: 26

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 11:17:17 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I've had the pleasure of meeting many wonderful people ...........
However, I'm shocked about how much gossip and drama there is. It's like I'm back in high school. These are grown adults we're talking about here. Most are over 30 years old. I would have thought that this childish behavior would disappear over time. I guess I was wrong.. Everyone seems to have slept with or played with everyone else, everybody is connected in some way....and everyone talks about it. I'm afraid to get involved with anyone because what goes on in my relationship will eventually become public knowledge.

I'm sick of being on this stage. What I do is my business so please exit the theater....or should I leave the stage (being the local scene)?

.Is it like this everywhere?

In Milwaukee yes !

Tis why I am so disappointed that so many say....go to your local bdsm functions.

I went to 3 sub/switch meetings and had had enough of their crap. My Sir is well known in the area but doesnt attend either. For exactly the same reasons you have written.

I really dont think much of folk who say the only way to find a good match is at your local bdsm function....

blech !

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 27

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 11:41:15 AM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

I'm the type of person that will talk and socialize with a variety of different people. However, when it comes down to it. It's those that I have the most in common with and I feel a good connection or friendship with.

If somebody wants to fight over me and my attention like tug of war. I remove myself out of the picture.

I'll carve out my own niche in a corner, and those that want to have something real with me are welcome. There are those that I don't want anything to do with as well. I guess I can be a bit of a snob, but I'm selective. What can I say? I can't be friends with everybody I encounter or met.

I have done the friend vs. aquaitence overload before. Too many people, only so much of my time and attention to go around.

There's only so many hours out of my day, that I can talk to people on the phone, and go places and do things. The more friends you have, means more time you have to devote to them and less to yourself and your own personal interests.

Trust me, I don't want to become everybodys friend. It's a pain in the ass being everybodys friend.

I'd rather have and maintain a few close friendships compared to many. I am extremely social with a lot of people I come into contact with. At the same I'm also rather distant at the same time. I don't go out of my to do things to cause people to not like me, but I'm not welcoming them into my world fully either.

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 28

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 12:23:01 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Maybe its not so much age, as i was more in agreement to the whole state of mind and who the hell cares what others say think or spread .Let the people that need a hobby find one and do not feed into the actions, becoming their new hobby or recreational activity .A fire shall die out if fuel runs out .The people that know and respect you and ones that you address as friend, and return those feeling back would not treat you in such a way .

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

EXACTLY ! if your not playing into the drama and cross talk rumor mill it shall not matter .

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Well the OP is quite young. i find that as people get older they dont care so much what people say behind their backs. SO maybe in time this wont be so big of a problem.

That's a nice thought, but when the group becomes consumed with it, it makes it difficult for new people to enter the scene and for those not involved to have a valuable experience. Older group members in my area tended to be the ones involved in the drama, so I don't think age matters.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 29

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 12:37:27 PM

oceanwynds

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Joined: 8/24/2006
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Stella, i have been a reader of many of your posts and have found them very insightful. Today, rewording "A Day in a Life' was just the icing on the cake. Just wanted to say you are awesome.

oceanwynds

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 30

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 12:40:40 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi subsnow
Personally i don't go to munches etc, because i am a loner. When it comes to friends, i just am myself and don't pay any attention to what others say about people. I let them worry about who is who .etc. Personally, i dont have the time nor do i really give a dam

oceanwynds

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 31

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 12:44:21 PM

Rever

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline

yeah, i'd probably ditch em, I don't put up with people like that very well. Oh it does not stop in Highschool, College and University are just as bad

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 32

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 12:47:47 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

-fr-

1. When I was a younger judgmental asshole and full of myself, I once went to a Mensa meeting expecting the people to be smart and mature. . . LOL To find a more mature group, move to a big city where people are more seasoned, look for a new local group or stop your own drama and go hang with more mature "clique" in your own group.

http://members.aol.com/darkstoneds/Welcome.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/VTSocietyofKink/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/uppervalleymunch/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CVT_ASK/

2. Publishing “What I do is my business” in a public forum while telling us all about your business and asking us what to do with your life is just silly… stop that!

3. You only get to be “fresh meat” once when you join a group. You just made all your affairs public in this thread so you do want the attention. Shut up and enjoy the spotlight. Get what you can while you can, “fresh meat” grows stale fast when there is no substance to it like this thread.

4. You’re in South Burlington, Vermont, be glad there is BDSM scene at all for you to go practice your personal drama with and pass judgment on.

5 “. . . Is it like this everywhere?” All social groups are multifaceted and contain stereotypical cliques including drama queens and the more mature crowd. People seek their own kind, their own level. I am sure you can find drama everywhere if you look hard enough.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 10/19/2008 12:49:27 PM >

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 33

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 1:18:46 PM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I've been attending a lot of local BDSM events these past couple of months from munches to demos and more. I've had the pleasure of meeting many wonderful people from all over the New England area which has been great. However, I'm shocked about how much gossip and drama there is. It's like I'm back in high school. These are grown adults we're talking about here. Most are over 30 years old. I would have thought that this childish behavior would disappear over time. I guess I was wrong.. Everyone seems to have slept with or played with everyone else, everybody is connected in some way....and everyone talks about it. I'm afraid to get involved with anyone because what goes on in my relationship will eventually become public knowledge.

Now, because I'm new to the local scene and I'm associating with some people more than others, I'm being judged on who I spend time with. I feel like I'm on The Price is Right or something. "No! Choose that box! That's the wrong one! Choose the one over there!" I'm running around a stage in front of an audience trying to decide who's ok to be around and who isn't. I really don't care what people think and I'll spend time with whoever I want but I'm sick of being one of the topics of discussion in this months gossip group. I'm sick of being on this stage. What I do is my business so please exit the theater....or should I leave the stage (being the local scene)?

I don't know who to trust anymore. They say that going to events like these and talking to people is the best way to decide who's safe and who isn't but nobody appears to be safe to be around from what I've heard. I've been hit on by so many people that I don't know if they're giving me advice for my own good or if they have alterior motives.

Is it like this everywhere?

Life is like this everywhere, people are like this everywhere. The cat rescue community is like this (well, not the sex part, but the drama part). Mensa is like this (including the sex part). The BBW scene is like this (including the sex part). I can't think of a single group of humans who doesn't act like this on some level. The secret for me is to take the parts I like and ignore the parts I don't like. If the good parts are worth more than the bad parts, remain. If the whole thing is really making you miserable and dragging you down, don't go.

I don't care for munches, but I went to our last one and I made a new friend. New friends are good. In this case it was worth going, in many cases it isn't. But it is a short drive and only a few hours of my time and if I'm *really* not having a good time I can simply leave.

One of my friends told me when he saw my horror at the first BBW event I went to (the BBW scene is one I find carries absolutely no value for me, so I do not participate at all, but I do carry this quote with me) "Just because they act like that, doesn't mean we have to." I find it a very useful mantra for myself.

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 34

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 2:16:22 PM

jennifer819

Posts: 28
Joined: 2/27/2007
Status: offline

Im not sure what groups you have attended but in the western MA and CT area i have had great experiences with the local community.I can be a very quiet person and a bit shy at times but i was warmly welcomed and encouraged participate with the group but allowed to do so in my own time when i felt comfortable without feeling pressured.Im sure there are a few bad apples in any group but for the most part ive had wonderful conversations at munches and such and made some great friends.As far as many people sharing common partners in their past we have to accept that when we enter the lifestyle we greatly reduce the size of our dating pool.This is bound to happen in any small community where people are brought together by shared interests and isnt just lifestyle related.Though being open about play and sexuality and all the poly people certainly can speed the process but for the most part it seems almost everyone plays nicely together.As far as gossip goes there will always be some who thrive on it and that isnt a lifestyle or age exclusive issue either.Afterall i dont think its just high school kids and lifestyle folk buying all the people and ok magazines in the supermarket checkout line.If you are happy with yourself and the choices you make who cares what anyone else thinks.Use your instincts and common sense when making decisions on what people you want to associate with.If you find certain people to be negative and gossipy simply dont surround yourself with them and focus on the people you do click well with.Though i could be wrong on all this maybe they all gossip about me and stop only when i enter the room though that would be flattering in its own way lol.If you are talked about it means you made an impression.

(in reply to moonvine)

Post #: 35

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 3:04:14 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Did someone lie to you and tell you that the local scene is majority adult mature sincere people who really enjoy hanging out and eschew gossip? Because it's pretty rare to actually find that in reality.

It's the same as anywhere else, in fact it can even be worse due to the often closeted and paranoid mini-egomaniacs running around. So you have to do the same as you always go- get to know a variety of people in a variety of contexts and hand pick and choose the ones YOU find attractive, desireable and positive in your life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to jennifer819)

Post #: 36

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 6:51:30 PM

Subductrssss

Posts: 97
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline

I would say use your own judgement, pick your own friends, use your mind and common sense and don't contribute to the bad attributes but change from within what you don't like by being an example.

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Subductrssss

The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say.
Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 37

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/19/2008 7:04:53 PM

CruelDesires

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Joined: 11/20/2004
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Or start your own group.

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
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(in reply to Subductrssss)

Post #: 38

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/20/2008 6:05:09 AM

Rever

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline

Me and my friend were going to start our own group called the "Generals Club" Basically we were going to dress up in Military uniforms, and then goto a coffee shop loaded with ignorant University Students and basically drink coffee and discuss things. Like how awesome when hippies start a riot and the cops have to tear gas them, and why nuclear power is awesome too. Also this group would have limited memebership, becuase we would only let other assholes and haters in.

Thats how you deal with idiots who gossip, make your own group and rip them apart right in front of them, and its not really gossip when you do it in front of them.

(in reply to CruelDesires)

Post #: 39

RE: Frustrated About the Local Scene - A Rant - 10/20/2008 6:46:30 AM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
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Okay...

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to Rever)

Post #: 40

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