RE: Where did the BDSM go?

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JustDarkness -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 10:55:34 AM)
If we dislik how people are treated..we should act when we see it. We can complain that it happens, but isn't it better to remind people how they respond? Often the ones beeing rude..can just continue..and the others stay away. A forum is for the users by the users. So if we want change..lets do soemthing about it. (some gladly already do)

CalifChick -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 11:03:30 AM)
I find myself surprised that so many people seem to think (and it could be a misperception on my part), that these issues are any different here than they are anywhere else on the internet. For instance, I have seen very few forums on ANY area of interest that do not tell people to use the search function... in fact, alot of them tell you flat out at the top of every page, "Do NOT start a new thread without having searched for your topic in the archives." Is this a new concept to so many people? Or are so many people new to the internet that they haven't "grown up", so to speak, with these unwritten (or in some cases, written) "rules" of forum behavior? We have seen it here where a new thread is started with pretty much the exact same opening question as another thread two questions below it. For those who hate the "use the search function" people, is it acceptable THEN to say "search it"... where is that point? Or do you feel it is okay to have the same question stacked up on top of each other? I'm not arguing either for or against, I'm curious about what people think. And I have to wonder if it is a matter of communication in that the sentence, "I've searched for XXXXX, but I'm still unclear on the concept", or "I've searched for XXXXX but I'd like some more input" is okay but "everybody tell me about XXXX" is not? Cali

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 11:21:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VivaciousSub I haven't stopped posting in replies to stuff, but I can say that my experience on one thread made me very hesitant to ask what I considered a legitimate question regarding BDSM - it had to do with being a "doormat" and while some people had positive perceptions and experiences, I never had. When someone posted that not being a doormat was self-limiting, I asked why - since it was never in my experience that it was a good thing - and it was immediately insinuated that I had zero interest in personal growth and that I somehow wasn't a good submissive because being taken advantage of was a hard limit for me. And this was from someone who is considered a veteran of the boards. I very much respect others perspectives and experiences, and I was genuinely interested in hearing a well-thought out response. Instead, I got blown off. Since then, I've not been anywhere near as interested in posting. This reminds me of the challenge I faced with a thread on "Shaping and Molding" that I started. I actually was shocked at some the negative reactions that occured from it. I was about 1/2 tempted to simply walk away and leave the thread to be consumed by negative postings and snarky remarks. I'm sort of glad I did not. Because there were a series of other users/member that related to and understood it. There have been a few threads where the topic of "micromanagment popped up", where a lot of people had very little positive to share about it. I shared a positive use of "micromanagement" that I have done before, and gee may or may not do. So for me, there have been moments when I realized there were sensitive moments.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 11:55:57 AM)
Regarding the 'use the search button' issue. During my first few weeks here, the fist time I saw LA post a list of links to previous threads, I was offended for the person. Since I tend to lurk more than post, I pick up on the 'inside' jokes and the aside comments and I later came to better respect LA's stance. To paraphrase her comment of many months ago, I don't see anything wrong with someone asking a question that has been asked before, but if they really want to know what others think then I'd think they would benefit from reading some old posts. Sorry, LA, if I butchered that badly paraphrased remark you made from a while back. Hopefully I remembered it acurately enough to provide the basic jist of what you posted. My point here, is that sometimes what strikes us as wrong at first sometimes begins to make more sense to us as we learn a little more about the perspective of the person/author behind the posts. That said, I myself have been hesitant on many occaisions to start a thread, so I do understand the sentiment. I swear sometimes I have multiple personalities (not really!) because in some things I'm fearless, and in many things I'm the worlds biggest chicken. Now, regarding those who have a reputation for being snarky. Many times what others took as snarky, I read as witty. In fact, much of the time, the OP just offers too much to work with that the urge to be 'witty' is very hard to ignore. I don't see those odd little witicisms to be a major factor in why people don't post. What I think tends to put people off more than snarkiness, is the passion with which many hold to their own personal way of WIITWD. While passionate discourse is entertaining, it can be rather daunting when the empassioned one is more aggressive and eloquent making it hard for the one debating their stance to reiterate. Anyway, I rather like the melting-pot of ideas and topics that I see here. There isn't a great deal about the basics of BDSM that I really care to read about. Been there, done that, as they say.

oceanwynds -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 1:29:34 PM)
Actually it was LA's posting lists that helped me do a faster search. That never offended me, since i seen it as tool for research. I think a person can refer to links to help a person and do it respectfully.

marieToo -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 1:42:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness If we dislik how people are treated..we should act when we see it. We can complain that it happens, but isn't it better to remind people how they respond? No, I don't think so. People will respond they way they will respond. Although a lot of people piss me off in the way they flame someone, or the way they post, it's no more my place to tell another adult how to act than it would be their place to tell me how to act. People should act in accordance with their own standards, not the standards of other people. Imagine if we all started to feel like we had to please other people in our behavior. How do you please everyone? One person's snark is another person's humor, one person's good advice is another person's bucket of shit. I think there's nothing wrong with addressing someone and asking why they have reacted the way they did, or in defending someone who is getting torn to shreds, but you're never going to change other people. Unfortunately there is a world of nasty people out there, especially online where it's easy to behave that way when you're not facing the person in real life. As adults we need to decide how we react (or don't react) to them, how we process it etc. That would be more practical than scolding or lecturing others on how they should act or speak, which to me would seem like an act of complete futility.

JustDarkness -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 1:52:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness If we dislik how people are treated..we should act when we see it. We can complain that it happens, but isn't it better to remind people how they respond? No, I don't think so. I think there's nothing wrong with addressing someone and asking why they have reacted the way they did, or in defending someone who is getting torn to shreds, but you're never going to change other people. that is what I meant :)

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 1:52:35 PM)
I know for a fact, that there are many people that simply read the threads without posting. I've recieved private emails from people regarding some of my own posts or threads. Some of the things that readers have shared me range, but here's a general list. Lack of reading comprehension skills. Lack of respect. Sensitive topics where people are quickly judged. The thing is such, that when we make posts to the message boards, there is a larger audience involved, and it's those people that simply come here and read. They read and they learn and grow without making any posts whatsoever.

marieToo -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 1:59:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness If we dislik how people are treated..we should act when we see it. We can complain that it happens, but isn't it better to remind people how they respond? No, I don't think so. I think there's nothing wrong with addressing someone and asking why they have reacted the way they did, or in defending someone who is getting torn to shreds, but you're never going to change other people. that is what I meant :) And my point was that it doesn't work; ultimately it doesn't effect positive change. Hence my position that people should just be who they are, and we should adjust our reactions to it, rather than trying to adjust the other person.

JustDarkness -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 2:02:41 PM)
lol I still don't see the difference what you say and I..but ok. But if we don't act..we can't complain much. We need to accept it. IF you want change...you have to work for it. Even though it is a small select group you can influence. quote: but isn't it better to remind people how they respond? >>>>I think there's nothing wrong with addressing someone adjusting the way we act towards them might help also. Aslong we all don't find it irritating to do. I prefer to throw away the bad apples..then the good ones

marieToo -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 2:06:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness lol I still don't see the difference what you say and I..but ok. But if we don't act..we can't complain much. We need to accept it. IF you want change...you have to work for it. Even though it is a small select group you can influence. quote: but isn't it better to remind people how they respond? >>>>I think there's nothing wrong with addressing someone I think there is nothing wrong with addressing someone (its human nature to communicate), but I think it's futile with regards to trying to change their behavior. Im not arguing that theres something wrong with it. Im saying it's ineffective. You have to read it in context with the rest of the paragraph in which it was written. Maybe I'm not explaing myself that well. Or maybe there's a language a barrier? I don't know.

JustDarkness -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 2:07:48 PM)
ahh ok...now I understand. thank you

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 4:09:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick I find myself surprised that so many people seem to think (and it could be a misperception on my part), that these issues are any different here than they are anywhere else on the internet. For instance, I have seen very few forums on ANY area of interest that do not tell people to use the search function... in fact, alot of them tell you flat out at the top of every page, "Do NOT start a new thread without having searched for your topic in the archives." Is this a new concept to so many people? Or are so many people new to the internet that they haven't "grown up", so to speak, with these unwritten (or in some cases, written) "rules" of forum behavior? We have seen it here where a new thread is started with pretty much the exact same opening question as another thread two questions below it. For those who hate the "use the search function" people, is it acceptable THEN to say "search it"... where is that point? Or do you feel it is okay to have the same question stacked up on top of each other? I'm not arguing either for or against, I'm curious about what people think. And I have to wonder if it is a matter of communication in that the sentence, "I've searched for XXXXX, but I'm still unclear on the concept", or "I've searched for XXXXX but I'd like some more input" is okay but "everybody tell me about XXXX" is not? Cali Honestly, when I post a question, chances are that I am looking for responses related to my current thoughts, not the thoughts from a year ago, or 5 years ago. If you asked me the same question five years ago, a year ago, and today, depending on the topic, I would certainly have an expanded pool of experiences and understandings from which to draw.... which doesn't make last year's posts irrelevant, but it -does- mean that the information may be outdated... even from the posters' perspectives. For myself, I don't understand why people get so peeved about people asking repetitive questions. Unless it is the same person, asking the same question over and over again, I think that the way people word things and the experiences discussed are slightly different every time, and therefore, even 'cut and dried' answers may not apply well. This is why, even for repetitive questions, I try to find what makes each poster unique and address hir individual needs in the questions.

marieToo -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 4:54:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness ahh ok...now I understand. thank you No problem. I probably wasn't be clear enough. Thanks. : )

yourMissTress -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 5:35:20 PM)
I agree that the search function is a useful tool and reading the old threads is also worthwhile for finding some answers. But what is wrong with looking for new answers? I don't know about you or anyone else, but since I started posting here, I have aged, grown, and learned a few things that I didn't know 3 years ago. There are posts that I made 2 years ago that I don't agree with now. I have learned something and incorporated that into my life. If asked the same question now my answers would be different based on my experiences. There are posters here now that weren't here last year, two years ago, or almost 5 years ago when this forum was started. And on the flip side, there were some pretty damn good posters here a few years ago that aren't here now. The ability and opportunity to hear from those past and present is nullified by limiting discussion to only those things that have not been brought up in the past. The search function is not available to us so that we may stifle conversation and the exchange of ideas, it is available to enhance and add to those exchanges.

CalifChick -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 8:02:52 PM)
I don't believe I ever said there was anything wrong with looking for new answers (if anybody thought I did say that)... but it seems that it helps when it seems like people have a clue... compare the quality of responses you would get to the question "tell me everything about BDSM" and "I don't understand masochism; is it about receiving pain but not perceiving it as pain, or is it about pain, or something else?" The first question shows someone in the "clue free zone", the second, not so much. Cali

yourMissTress -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 8:15:25 PM)
I wasn't implying you said anything was wrong with it. The people who simply say "search" do imply just that. You asked for thoughts, I gave you mine.

NuevaVida -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 8:28:05 PM)
Here's a thought, relating to telling people to search. What if the person starting the thread is doing so with the intention of having an open dialogue on a particular subject, rather than just researching it? Maybe something is on my mind that I want to converse about, rather than just read about. I think if people are tired of old topics, well, no one's telling them they have to respond to it. I like when LA posts the links because she does as a supplement to the conversation that is already taking place. She doesn't do so with an attitude of "You dummy - read this and don't bug us", she does so as additional information people can read, if they think it will help. Discussion boards are for the purpose of discussing, yes? So maybe people are starting threads...well...for the purpose of current discussion. Go figure! [:)]

manxcat -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 8:33:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop I wonder if theres a reluctance by relatively new people to post BDSM related questions, for fear of being roasted over the "USE THE SEARCH FUNCTION" flames... yes

manxcat -> RE: Where did the BDSM go? (10/20/2008 8:41:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomDolf LOL... I was actually about to post a new topic and had to think to myself "how many idiots are going to tell me to do a search". I have been told that I should do a search a few times and then I of course pointed out that I can't get comments and reactions and interface with a dead topic like I can a fresh one. For instance, if someone is newish to CM, someone like me, that has lots of experience, a willingness to share, a generally good ability to effectively communicate and they did not have a chance to comment on a dead thread then there is a chance that someone will not receive a very valid and useful sharing of knowledge and experience. I feel it is the responsibility of those that have a clue to help spread good information to those that are newer. Some of those that like the word "twue" trip over comments and beliefs that I have. They are usually the ones that are quick to mangle anyone that asks a question without knowing that it has been discussed many times over. The only twuth in doing that is that it's rude and short-sighted. Anyone that suggests that anyone else do a search needs to search their motives. ty So anyway, I will be posting a new topic soon on psychological domination. will be looking forward to that

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