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Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 8:46:17 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I was reading a Laurell K. Hamilton book (The lady 'gets it' on so many different levels: human psychology via the 'monsters' she writes about, D/s, honor, loyalty, energetic interactions among people, quality written erotica, etc.  And, yes, I do want to be Anita Blake when I grow up and it doesn't matter than I am older than the character.  Read her books, they're so worth your time!) and there was a conversation among various characters about why the main character did various things for various other characters and there was a distinction made between belonging to someone and being loved by someone. 
I've read the series in odd order, so I know how these contemplations pan out for the character to date but I decided to toss the idea out to folks. 
Do you distinguish between belonging to someone vs being loved by someone and/or someone belonging to you vs loving someone? 
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 10/22/2008 9:00:38 PM >
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 9:02:13 PM   
alittleevil


Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Do you distinguish between belonging to someone vs loving someone and/or someone belonging to you vs loving someone? 
Davan



Hello Davan,
I can certainly separate them out, if that is what you are asking.  I can belong to someone who does not love me (whether or not i can belong to someone that i do not [come to] love is a different question, but a romantic sort of love is not necessary, love the way a well tended pet loves you is closest), and i can love and be loved by without belonging. If i had to make a choice, to belong to or to be "loved", i would choose belonging.  But then....
Sans any D/s connotation of "belonging", there are those that have "belonged" to me:  mine to worry about, mine to tend, mine to be exasperated by, mine to share joy and sorrow with, mine to love. But if you scrape away all the romanticism, what is love but all of those things? Surely more than a wet spot on your seat.

Best,
aj (fellow Hamilton fan)

(in reply to DavanKael)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 9:05:22 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Only if there is a distinction... which generally there hasn't been.  So generally, no; although there could be... it isn't an either / or condition.

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to DavanKael)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 9:11:57 PM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		OMG I love Laurell K. Hamilton books!  The Merry Gentry series by her is also umm steamy! 

To answer your question, I am still very new to this lifestyle.  I have not yet thought about what, if any, distinction there is for me in terms of belonging to vs being loved by someone.  Thank you for posting this question.  It is something that I will need to think about.

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 9:20:29 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I can definitely see a distinction between -belonging- to someone and being -loved- by someone. For me, they can exist separately, but I understand that, for some people, ownership requires love in order for them to be able to be open to it. However, I do still consider them separate aspects of relationship.

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 9:22:56 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		I do you distinguish between somebody belonging to me and me loving them.  However, I'm greedy and I want my cake and ice cream both at the same time. hehehe..

I also want somebody who loves me and knows/feels that they belong to me as well.  Damn, you'd swear I'm wanting a lot here.

(in reply to DavanKael)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 9:56:07 PM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		I think any dynamics are possible between people as long as everyone's needs are met; but I would not want to belong to anyone I didn't love and who didn't love me.

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/22/2008 10:01:32 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I can see the distinction, but from my POV I would not want the two to be separate.



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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 3:16:17 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I love the Anita Blake series it is the best. Now onto the topic, for me his belonging to me is intertwined with being loved. I couldn't own him without loving him, that is just how it works for me. Now that does not work for all people but for us, oh yeah it works.

~Lashra


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(in reply to DavanKael)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 4:36:50 AM   
housemouse61


Posts: 60
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline 		i've never read Ms. Hamilton's work, myself.  i'm more of a Stephen King fan.  *shrugs*  As to your question; i have to side with the majority, so far.  To me, love is born from mutual respect and without love and respect in my relationship i don't have the motivation to serve at my best.

Peace favor and blessed be.

nikki
Property of Cruel Desires

(in reply to DavanKael)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 4:45:24 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I certainly do distinguish between loving someone and owning someone (or being loved by someone vs. being owned by me).  Early on in life I thought that love was enough.  Then I loved and found out that there was more to it.  Later in life I thought that ownership was enough.  Then I owned and found out there was more to it.
 
For quite some time now I've realized that although love and ownership are separate and distinct from one another, I must have both in my relationship in order for it to be gratifying, fulfilling and lasting.
 
John

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 5:52:23 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Yes I distinguish that they are all entirely different beings.

Belonging and owning someone doesn't always require loving them. It just means you have a desire to be owned or belong, to serve, to surrender and submit. It simply requires allegiance.

Personally though I want it all so I don't separate any of it in my life.

(in reply to Rover)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 5:54:25 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I belong totally to a Master who feels that for him romantic love and BDSM do not mix.  I have given more of myself to him than to anyone else in my life, and have totally dedicated my life to him. 

There are many different kinds of love.  While he compartmentalizes in his own mind I can feel that over time his feelings for me have grown.  He had told me that he adores me, and I know that he watches over me carefully.  However, chances are very slim that romance will ever be involved.

While this works for us there are many that it would not be enough for.  I knew from the onset of the relationship that this would be the case - it wasn't a nasty surprise sprung on me somewhere down the line.  Others who have seen us together feel that he has a deep love for me that is simply not expressed in words.  Whether that is the case or not - and I don't dwell on it - I know that he is the right Master for me and I am the right slave for him.  This is enough to satisfy me.


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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 6:31:16 AM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

I belong totally to a Master who feels that for him romantic love and BDSM do not mix.  I have given more of myself to him than to anyone else in my life, and have totally dedicated my life to him. 

There are many different kinds of love.  While he compartmentalizes in his own mind I can feel that over time his feelings for me have grown.  He had told me that he adores me, and I know that he watches over me carefully.  However, chances are very slim that romance will ever be involved.

While this works for us there are many that it would not be enough for.  I knew from the onset of the relationship that this would be the case - it wasn't a nasty surprise sprung on me somewhere down the line.  Others who have seen us together feel that he has a deep love for me that is simply not expressed in words.  Whether that is the case or not - and I don't dwell on it - I know that he is the right Master for me and I am the right slave for him.  This is enough to satisfy me.



I completely understand what you're saying, chamber, but I'm one of those people it wouldn't work for. I'm the type to want a relationship first, built on solid ground, then bring BDSM into it. Some people don't see it that way, some people do. It's what makes this lifestyle so diverse and fun to learn about.

(in reply to chamberqueen)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 7:32:31 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

I belong totally to a Master who feels that for him romantic love and BDSM do not mix.  I have given more of myself to him than to anyone else in my life, and have totally dedicated my life to him. 

There are many different kinds of love.  While he compartmentalizes in his own mind I can feel that over time his feelings for me have grown.  He had told me that he adores me, and I know that he watches over me carefully.  However, chances are very slim that romance will ever be involved.

While this works for us there are many that it would not be enough for.  I knew from the onset of the relationship that this would be the case - it wasn't a nasty surprise sprung on me somewhere down the line.  Others who have seen us together feel that he has a deep love for me that is simply not expressed in words.  Whether that is the case or not - and I don't dwell on it - I know that he is the right Master for me and I am the right slave for him.  This is enough to satisfy me.



I completely understand what you're saying, chamber, but I'm one of those people it wouldn't work for. I'm the type to want a relationship first, built on solid ground, then bring BDSM into it. Some people don't see it that way, some people do. It's what makes this lifestyle so diverse and fun to learn about.



The diversity of points of view within this topic alone and expressed just this far is interesting. 

I fall somewhere between the two areas noted above.  Owning someone without my loving them and/or them loving me doesn't work...been there for a short while and, in the end, it was not satisfying on a heartfelt level.  Loving someone without owning them and having them feel owned AND...important I feel...WANTING to be owned by me on a D/s and BDSM level doesn't work for me anymore either.  I want a relationship but it has to be with someone who is into the D/s and BDSM dynamic also and can separate the entities of each facet of the relationship while still understanding that all the facets are on one stone...but to make that stone really shine, all facets have to be attended to.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 7:43:07 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		As others here have also said, they do not have to be separate but they can be. I have had one without the other - love without ownership and ownership without love. After my marriage ended, I thought I didn't need love; I just needed to serve and attend to someone, and to love him...but I didn't need love in return. And then I learned that not only can I be loved, but I want to be loved. I want both, as I believe being owned compliments love, and loving/being love compliments being owned. What's a steak without the potatoes, ya know??

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 7:51:38 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		There is a deeper underlined question inside this question which fasinates me.

If there is a difference between belonging to someone and being loved by someone is it a difference to BOTH individuals.

andi and I are very much so in love with each other. However I sometimes wonder if it is felt the same way by her as it is for me.

Steel

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 7:55:00 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

Do you distinguish between belonging to someone vs being loved by someone and/or someone belonging to you vs loving someone? 


I don't need to love someone or be loved by someone to be owned by someone. I don't particularly watn to love someone or be loved by someone who owns me either.
I have been in a relationship where ownership and love were involved and i have been in a pure ownership relationship too. For me the two were very very different. Where love was involved the emotions and feelings tended to get in the way of my service. |Where love was not involved the service was pure and raw and animal.
For me personally the nearest to perfection of a relationship i have got is the one where love was not involved.

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 7:59:18 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Do you distinguish between belonging to someone vs being loved by someone and/or someone belonging to you vs loving someone? 


Tricky question... I'll try to answer it from both ends of the leash.

Carol: She became "mine" when we were married a decade ago, not when I collared her last year. Coming from her very very alternative background, the idea that you would "attach" yourself to someone... that you might refer to yourself as "I'm xxxxx's wife" was a HUGE mental leap. Having made that when we were married, the collaring didn't really change much in her mind. And yes, for her, it's all wrapped up in love.

Me: I use the ownership words to describe control. When I think of her as "mine", what I am internally describing is such a broad spread of control that there are no visible boundaries or limits. But the control itself is all wrapped up and bound together with love. I spend vast amounts of energy in my efforts to dominate carol well and I cannot imagine why I'd bother without love.

We both do what we do out of love. There are, obviously, personality traits which facilitate her being submissive and me being dominant, but for both of us, what energizes the system is not sex, control, or power. It's love.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Belonging to Someone vs Being Loved by Someone - 10/23/2008 8:15:17 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		I want and need both.  It took me forever to get to a point in my life where I understood, accepted and nurtured who and what I am.... and what I need to be happy, content and thrive as a person, a woman and a slave. 

I have been owned and not loved - didn't work for me.  I have been loved and not owned - didn't work for me.

In a few weeks, I will celebrate a bit of an anniversary.  A year ago, my Master totally surprised me by declaring His love for me, and His desire to own me on the same night.  This past year of loving Him and serving Him, combined with being loved and owned by Him has been the best and happiest time of my life. 

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
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