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RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/25/2008 12:18:22 AM

NormalOutside

Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

You feel so lost, but really, you're perfect and you just need to see that. Please don't worry about fitting into a category. You're you. A giant collection of traits, millions of them. The way you are is just simply the way you are. Find someone who you fit with and worry less about how to label yourself or if you should be more this and less that. Be exactly how you are, period.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 21

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/25/2008 2:54:09 PM

Darklustre

Posts: 13
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline

WOW you guys! Thanks for all the amazing responses!!! Let me assure you that I'm reading through them all! So far they all seem to reiterate the same thing. I'm very happy everyone has the same thoughts and expectations (to some degree) that I do. But I would like to submit (pun intended!) this to you... if who I am and what I want is so acceptable, why is it that I can't find what I am looking for? I'm tired of being alone. I have so much to give, but damned if I can find someone who is right for me!!! I've been thinking that I'm just such a conglommeration of conflicting needs and desires, that maybe I will never find something that works.

What do you recommend in the way of finding someone? Should I be challenging at first, to see what kind of reaction a person has? To see if they are composed, collected, strong-minded, secure and dominant? This has been my modus operandi. I can't stand the boys that have a fit and start cussing and acting foolish. I can't stand the weepy, whiny boys (no offense to fellow subs!) who start whimpering that I'm mean and no one will ever love me. It's a great way to filter through this junk to begin with....But is it what a submissive would do?

What category should I look for? Daddy, Dom, Master? I am just beginning to understand myself and would relish any advice on this subject.

Yours...

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 22

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/25/2008 3:19:35 PM

Racquelle

Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

I think it's not as important to search for specific labels as it is to be clear about what traits you want, what you don't want, what you're willing to experiment with, not willing to, etc. Labels like Daddy, Dom, Master, Top are somewhat subjective and many of us are really more than one thing. (You are, I am sure, more complex than just the term submissive would allow.)

I do get the notion that you are probably not looking for the "play party" kind of man, but there are lots of guys around here that like to be in charge and somewhat kinky without being "Marilyn Manson" with a flogger at the ready. There are many men looking for a significant, long term relationships. In terms of Collar Me - the best thing you can do is be very specific in your profile and communications about who you are, what makes you tick, and what you truly desire. Emphasize the basic expectations you have and let people know what the deal breakers are. Do not be afraid to meet people and socialize in a public setting - just like you would when trying to get to know anyone. Attend a munch and get to know people - you never know who else they might know and could hook you up with.

Do you have curiosity about bondage and pain play? Polyamory? If you do, say clearly "I am curious about _________, but I am not sure I want to make that a part of my life." And if you are certain you have no interest in such things, say clearly, "I do not have any interest in __________." I say this because without making it clear, we tend to assume most people on CM would have some interest. Ask lots of questions and don't be afraid of exploring and learning more about yourself.

And as far as standards and expectations go - pretty much everyone has expectations, but many people are not good at articulating them, or really even identifying them. Really, there are so many ways to express this "lifestyle" that it is hard to find something we all have in common, but the one thing I seem to see is that we have all given some thoughtful consideration to what we truly want and have decided to be rather specific about it.

You may also really enjoy a site called "Taken in Hand". Google it. It seems to speak to the type of relationship you may be seeking.

< Message edited by Racquelle -- 10/25/2008 3:21:36 PM >

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 23

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/25/2008 5:14:45 PM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre

What category should I look for? Daddy, Dom, Master? I am just beginning to understand myself and would relish any advice on this subject.

Yours...

Hello again. You should first figure out in what category you are in. For example you may be traditional housewife in the day to day stuff and a sex slave in the hot stuff. You may be very protocol oriented but very conservative in the sexual department. What are your kinks? Do you have a need to obey in non-play situations? What is your sexuality, really? Are you passive, active, exhibitionist, sadistic, masochistic etc.?

You are looking for your complement, not MR Magic that will do everything for and to you (lots of those!). Master, Daddy are dom styles and they vary greatly. You should focus on the qualities of the person as a complement to you and to find that person, you should know what you have to offer. Everyone wants the best partner, but you will have a better chance finding that person if you focus on being yourself the best partner possible.

Quote: ''It's a great way to filter through this junk to begin with....But is it what a submissive would do?''

Right now you seem to be concentrating on ''seeking'' and testing prospects. It is far from being ''sought'' and discovered by a serious dominant. Just be yourself, not some kind of interviewer or detective.

First you find yourself, then you will be found. Good luck. RL.

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 24

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/26/2008 7:27:44 AM

Real_Trouble

Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline

A few quick thoughts:

- Fuck the categories. People will banter on and off about what a 'daddy' dom is or what not, but it's not like the ISO is going to step in and come down on people who do not fit a category using a term, nor is it standardized. If you are worried about precise categories, I can virtually assure you that not only are you going to fail, you're probably going to fail spectacularly (and I will laugh when you do, because I am a bad person). You need to worry about finding someone who works with you - don't worry about categories, worry about the process in a much more wholistic sense.

- What you should do preety much has to be what you are comfortable with (otherwise you come off as crazy in a bad way), assuming you are not doing something that is genuinely going to repel people who you want to attract. For instance, monkeys often hurl shit at people; I wouldn't recommend that, even if you are comfortable with it (unless you are really into that kind of thing, I suppose). As to challenging people at first... 90% of the women I know do that, submissive or not, so if you're looking for someone strong enough to smack you down a bit for it and not be intimidated by that, then yes, you should. It's not like it's uncommon.

The real key, though, is that you can follow through and execute on what you are doing, and that you have a good reason for it. If you want the soft and sensitive type, then being a fire-spouting badass at the start is a seriously incongruous strategy. If you want someone who is going to guide you with a very firm hand, that might be precisely what you want to do. Start with the goal (what do you want?), then figure out how to get there. If your behavior is internally inconsistent to any major degree, people will see that, either consciously or unconsciously.

- To this:

quote:

I think I'm submissive but I have so many expectations of a man. I find that if I'm with a man I respect who is intelligent, controlled, composed and dignified, my submissive traits come out.

Good. You should have standards. Most people are a waste of space; you are better off not wasting your time on them.

- However:

quote:

I can't stand crudity and want to be appreciated and cared about before sex ever comes into the equation. My problem is that unless I have all these things, I can't fall in love, I do not feel submissive and devoted and I can't allow the relationship to go any further.

Let me ask you a very blunt question. If I'm hip-deep in subs who want me to be their Dom and you are interested in me, why should I wait for you to sort this whole thing out? Do you really, honestly believe that you are going to be such a special and unique snowflake from day one that someone is going to ignore offers from a plethora of other people just to find out what the result of your deliberations on the love side are?

That's not, in general, how men work (it is how women often work, but that's not really the point given your comments).

Sorry to burst the bubble here - it's one thing for you to want to find someone you are strongly attracted to, and if you are the no sex before marriage type, that's also fine. But realize two things - one, you are going to screen a lot of people out (so don't be surprised if that happens), and two, you are quite possibly going to be left behind by people who you really liked because they have other options who are more receptive to them; I don't mean that just in terms of sex, but the comment speaks of a certain degree of holding out and testing (which is good) that might stretch on a lot longer than it should before genuine intimacy in a relationship can be built (which is bad).

Good luck.

_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 25

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/26/2008 7:49:38 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Let me say what, hopefully, others think - while there are people out there who are into BBWs, losing weight may well improve your chances, and enlarge your fan club. I myself draw the line at anyone that is clearly on the way to destroying their supporting joints, and not fitting in a regulation airline seat. This isn't out of disgust or disapproval, that's just too much maintenance for me, and it is an illness that can be treated. To variegate that, I've been married to an anorexic, and I've had a bulimic sub - same thing applies there, I'll consider if you accept treatment.

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 26

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/26/2008 10:01:47 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre
What should I do? I feel so lost.

That's strange. Everything you've said makes perfect sense to me.

Or are you under the presumption that the prerequisites you would expect of a romantic partner must somehow be compromised because you're venturing into D/s-Land?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 27

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/26/2008 10:13:37 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre
What do you recommend in the way of finding someone? Should I be challenging at first, to see what kind of reaction a person has? To see if they are composed, collected, strong-minded, secure and dominant? This has been my modus operandi. I can't stand the boys that have a fit and start cussing and acting foolish. I can't stand the weepy, whiny boys (no offense to fellow subs!) who start whimpering that I'm mean and no one will ever love me. It's a great way to filter through this junk to begin with....But is it what a submissive would do?

To the untrained eye, there is a basic delineation of words here that seems par for the 'new-to-D/s' course...

However, littered subtly among it all is the scent of trying to appropriate a persona with disregard to the expectations of others, the worrisome balancing of desperation versus demand and an attitude that is built of superficial psychological playing rather than shared introspection and honesty.

Time is better spent in sincerity than games.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 10/26/2008 10:15:31 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 28

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/26/2008 10:42:43 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre
What do you recommend in the way of finding someone? Should I be challenging at first, to see what kind of reaction a person has? To see if they are composed, collected, strong-minded, secure and dominant?

Personally, I'm looking for someone that I feel that I can work with. That kind of a connection. Not a challenge, per se.
Every relationship presents its own particular challenges anyway. Those aren't something that need to be sought out, they will come on their own.
Now, I don't mind probing questions. Those are fine. I guess some people would consider that "a challenge", but I don't. By "challenge" my first association is with brattiness and disrespect (that may not be what you meant, but that's my first impression of what "challenging" could mean in terms of someone you're just meeting or first getting to know). Even if it's meant in fun, I have zero interest in it, though others may feel differently, of course.

quote:

This has been my modus operandi. I can't stand the boys that have a fit and start cussing and acting foolish. I can't stand the weepy, whiny boys (no offense to fellow subs!) who start whimpering that I'm mean and no one will ever love me. It's a great way to filter through this junk to begin with....But is it what a submissive would do?

Don't worry about what a submissive would do - especially not at this point, it's a little early yet!! Meaning, you have no commitment to anyone to act submissive in any way when you're meeting them and getting to know them. If you decide to get in a relationship with someone, THEN you both can figure out what "being a submissive" means to you. You're an individual, be yourself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
...Time is better spent in sincerity than games.

This would be my feeling, too.
However; it does seem really hard for women to figure men out. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe they're too optimistic at first meeting? I mean, I don't usually put a lot of stock into what anyone (man or woman) says until I've really observed them pretty closely (which usually takes a little while) and found them to be consistant.
It's not that I dis-believe them, but I'm not going to take anything they say as an article of faith until I see it in action in their own lives.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 29

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/26/2008 5:34:28 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

Seems the overall view is your ok..and thats that..lol...

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 30

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/27/2008 10:51:32 AM

DearJessicaD

Posts: 55
Joined: 10/26/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

You sound a lot like me, to be honest. I could not ever see myself feeling submissive towards Todd Palin, but I could TOTALLY see myself dropping to my knees for Obama. I have to respect you in order to let you call me a slut. I have to believe you're smarter and physically stronger than me in order to let you do things I'm not sure about.

When talking about my boyfriend I call him "my boyfriend" and not "Master" or "Sir" or "Daddy" or "My Dom". He calls me by my name, or a variation of it. I call him by his name. When we are out in public I don't have to walk two paces behind him, ask permission to speak, eat or go to the restroom. I don't have to wait for him to start eating before I do. I have full confidence he will never embarrass me in public on purpose. He would never dream of telling me not to get dessert at a restaurant.

Behind closed doors? I sleep naked, because that's what he wants. I am mostly naked when at home (honestly, unless it's really cold). At home if he is on the phone and I walk by him he may catch my arm and tug me down to blow him, and I would never not do it. He has flogged me so much that sometimes sitting down hurts. But the time I was barefoot and he caught my toes underneath his chair during dinner, he fell all over himself apologizing, icing my foot, and ultimately taking me to the ER for x-rays to make sure I hadn't broken any toes.

We do what works for us. It's not a contest. Do whatever works for you.

(in reply to Huntertn)

Post #: 31

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/27/2008 9:44:06 PM

Darklustre

Posts: 13
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

Let me say what, hopefully, others think - while there are people out there who are into BBWs, losing weight may well improve your chances, and enlarge your fan club. I myself draw the line at anyone that is clearly on the way to destroying their supporting joints, and not fitting in a regulation airline seat. This isn't out of disgust or disapproval, that's just too much maintenance for me, and it is an illness that can be treated. To variegate that, I've been married to an anorexic, and I've had a bulimic sub - same thing applies there, I'll consider if you accept treatment.

What a ridiculous thing to say. You don't know me and you don't know anything about me. Wouldn't it be better to ask why I am "overweight" than to make such an ignorant assumption? Not all women are overweight because of the choices they're making in food- i.e. quantity, quality, etc. Some women have hormonal imbalances or endocrine disorders, which you obviously don't take into account while passing commentary on their physiques. And could it possibly occur to you to inquire whether I've been losing weight? Again, you know nothing about me and your post stunned me by its blatant ignorance and audacity. If you personally don't prefer BBWs, that's your choice, but as for my responses, I go through two to four pages of e-mails per day because there are so many people out there that see past a meaningless number and see me as the incredibly beautiful and sexy woman that I am.

Most people don't mind some extra weight when it comes with the amazing breasts that I have. Feel welcome to take a look at my profile pics. In any event, I suggest you ask some questions before being so presumptuous and making such a damn fool out of yourself...

*NOTE TO ALL READERS: Do you see why I'm confused about my submissiveness now?
*ggls

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 32

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 8:04:34 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

*NOTE TO ALL READERS: Do you see why I'm confused about my submissiveness now?

No, I do not. I was with you all the way up to your most recent post. I actually thought antipode's post touched on a very delicate topic very nicely. You, clearly, did not. You had the choice of just letting it wash away or coming back here and posting your outrage. Fair enough, that's your call. But having now brought your outrage to the public stage, you invite others to comment on it. To recap:

He suggested that slimmer girls have better odds in the mating dance. I agree with him. Is this really a news flash to you? seriously? You know, for the record, I'm pretty sure that millionaires have a better chance than I do, but you don't see me denying that fact or having a fit over it.
He talked about HIS PERSONAL boundaries, issues, concerns, and past with related things... all of which are his to have. I even thought he did it all in a fairly supportive and upbeat way (keeping in mind that I normally find antipode's posts to be excessively caustic and unhelpful). I personally agree with those same boundaries and issues.

Even more importantly though, whereas I read the tone of antipode's post as that of someone trying hard to discuss a touchy topic sensitively, I read the tone of your post as that of a spoiled, petulant little child who may or may not also be submissive.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 33

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 8:41:58 AM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline

What leadership said.

I think we're done here.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 34

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 11:12:09 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

Someone recently pointed out to me something that makes sense. The bulk of your expectations will create your playing field, if your expectations fall into what the majority of Men are able to provide because of who they are, your playing field will be pretty large, but when your expectations are set to where the majority starts dwindling in their ability to provide for one reason or another, it simply means your playing field will narrow. I have very high expectations for Men, i use to wonder if i was setting unachievable expectations. But my expectations of Men hasn't changed, what has changed is the expectations of myself because i know those Men who fit into my playing field of expectations also have high expectations. So all in all, having high expectations isn't a bad thing if you are willing to 1) have a very narrow playing field of potentials, and 2) you are willing to work to obtain the high expectations of the Men who reach your high expectations. Are you the woman these Men will want and will you meet their expectations. With your narrowed playing field, you have to also expect you also will have expectations of theirs. Otherwise you narrow your field even more.

It has nothing to do with your submissiveness, the Men you are seeking, and their strength, is what you need. It simply means your playing field is very narrow. If you don't realize the narrowness of your field, you are trying to look at the larger playing field and second guessing yourself. Don't. Understand what playing field your expectations create and it will be easier to understand why you may not find what you seek easily.

Its not about your submission, its about what your expectations create in your possibilities and then within those possibilities of whether you yourself meet their expectations. Play ball!

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to cjan)

Post #: 35

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 12:07:20 PM

Darklustre

Posts: 13
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline

Thank you for your responses. I would deny that thin women have a larger playing field. I think it depends on a lot of things. I certainly don't have any problems with guys trying to date me, and by the responses I'm getting in email, I wouldn't say people here tend to agree. I think antipode is entitled to his own uninformed opinions, but it's strange to me that he seems to be speaking for everyone as if it's expected that everyone share his views. Everyone obviously does not.

If you think I'm a spoiled, petulant child, that is fine. I see myself as an intelligent, articulate woman, who has no trouble calling out ignorance and plain foolishness when I see it. What you see me as doesn't effect me in the slightest when compared to my own self-knowledge.

I know myself far better than you ever could.

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 36

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 12:09:26 PM

Darklustre

Posts: 13
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline

Oops darnit! Why did that reply to barelynangel? Sorry about that! I don't know what happened. I guess I replied to the wrong person!

Sorry hon.

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 37

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 1:21:38 PM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

Darklustre,

I'm sorry you've received some harsh words, but if you've spent any time on these boards, you know that many here are quite quick to state their opinions.

When it comes down to it, people search for years to find "the one". That's true in both the vanilla and kink worlds. By choosing to look for a BDsM partner, you've narrowed your pool of eligible men significantly. It's going to take time, and I wish you well in your search. When I found my Sir, I noticed the man first, not just the title he gave himself.

Daddy's Ballerina, e

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 38

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 1:23:20 PM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre

Oops darnit! Why did that reply to barelynangel? Sorry about that! I don't know what happened. I guess I replied to the wrong person!

Sorry hon.

if you don't use the quote option, it always replies to the post above you.

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 39

RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/28/2008 1:43:45 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre

Thank you for your responses. I would deny that thin women have a larger playing field. I think it depends on a lot of things. I certainly don't have any problems with guys trying to date me, and by the responses I'm getting in email, I wouldn't say people here tend to agree. I think antipode is entitled to his own uninformed opinions, but it's strange to me that he seems to be speaking for everyone as if it's expected that everyone share his views. Everyone obviously does not.

If you think I'm a spoiled, petulant child, that is fine. I see myself as an intelligent, articulate woman, who has no trouble calling out ignorance and plain foolishness when I see it. What you see me as doesn't effect me in the slightest when compared to my own self-knowledge.

I know myself far better than you ever could.

As one who has responded in personal message....

1. How did the issue of weight ever enter? What does it have to do with Darklustre's submissiveness? Did I miss the memo that only a certain BMI is allowed to indulge in BDSM? Gosh, obviously most of the people at munches or private parties will not be allowed to take part in that case...

Weight can be an issue, but personally a partner who is only interested in my figure would be a bit too shallow for me, sorry, but my boobs come with brain, it does cancel out quite a lot of guys who might be interested in me.
But let's be honest, BDSM - conservatively speaking 1 woman for every 10 guys, unless you qualify as the next male top model unreasonable demands for submissive or dominant Barbie might end up in a lot of frustration...

2. Why is she a petulant child?
She is trying to find her way and she is not a "Yes Master" submissive, well, you know, I can only talk from the female side, but the "Yes Ma'am" guys bore me to tears, if I need to hear those 2 words I get a parrot and hope my cats won't eat him.

She is trying to find her way, from what I can see she's gorgeous, she can take her pick and she shouldn't have to lower her standards, isn't it better to know what you want and what you don't want than being a doormat?

All that "I am the dominant" talk is nice and cool, but maybe we should remember that we are only the dominant part because somebody lets us be that because we compliment their submissiveness, because other ways we'd end up damned frustrated or as abusers....

(in reply to Darklustre)

Post #: 40

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