RE: Married and lied

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Married and lied

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Married and lied

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 7:25:19 AM

CookieSlave

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

yeah.. what they all said.

And I would strongly council against telling the wife. It is not your obligation or duty to tell her anything, it *should* be his. She hasn't done anything wrong to you, so why would you potentially hurt this woman by throwing this at her? Not your job.

And I agree - you don't love this man - you can't, with a lie like that in between you. What you love is the idea of him and what he wanted you to see, but that's obviously not real..

--cs

(in reply to Elenaconfined)

Post #: 21

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 7:26:28 AM

Beneathhumanity

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline

What I am about to say may sound a bit harsh, but its not suspose to, ::smirks:: within my own babbles it happens to be my own advice. Now you may have been hurt about what your master did to you, yet its no one's fault but your own,being you are keeping yourself in a relationship where you are being lied to. My former dom lied to me when I was with him, I remained with him through the lies til I realized that lies just covered up lies, in the end I realized that I couldn't trust someone who lied to me. (To the O.P.) Can you trust your submission to someone you know who lied to you about his marriage? Try to think,if he didn't tell you that what else is he not telling you? Now I can symphasize but I personally couldn't remain with someone like that being I tend to have a straightforward personality as it is, and I treasure my submission. If this was me I'd lose him, being the drama wouldn't be worth my time or effort. It wouldn't be worth my trust.

_____________________________

"You are no one's pet, dog, object, or sub until you give them that right. Only you can give it. No one can take or assume it without your permission."

(in reply to Elenaconfined)

Post #: 22

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 7:39:53 AM

unbroken33

Posts: 56
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyb4u
..Is it fair to be part of an affair?

I for one think you are asking the wrong question first. Is it fair that he lied to you for 18 months? Do yourself a favor and end it.
I'm truly sorry for what you're about to go through. It's going to take a while to get over this, so just bear that in mind when moving on. Fuck his life over if you want as others suggested, but remember, that may have unintended effects--not everyone internalizes their problems, and you may end up dealing with his wife as well. I guess what i'm telling you is that if you do this, just get a concealed carry permit. In most states it's easy to do and requires only a couple references and a few weeks of processing to obtain.

Unfortunately, not everyone is honest with their play partners. It seems the ones that are tend to be a rare find, which I don't get. But anyway, after you move on you'll need to safeguard yourself:
1. If you don't normally do this, bluntly ask if they're in a relationship.
2. Insist on a home phone number and a cell phone number, and call the home one at an unexpected time.
3. Show up at his house. If he can't have this, it's an issue.
4. If it's a serious relationship, insist on meeting friends and family.
5. If they have a sales job and travel frequently, insist on going with them once or twice, even if you have to kick in some $$. If it's a serious relationship, there's no way in hell he should turn you down on this.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Please, no more serial killers.

(in reply to sexyb4u)

Post #: 23

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 8:00:39 AM

MissIsis

Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

I didn't get to be my age without going through the school of hard knocks a time or two myself. If this school for you, was like mine, I suspect you probably ignored the red flags. He got into your body, your head & your heart. Your heart is what you need to pull away the most, though, the rest will be difficult. I doubt you will give him up, because after all you love him. He has added to your life & helped you accomplish things you didn't think you could accomplish on your own. (Know this: You had it inside of you all along.)

He probably asked you at one time if you could share him. At the time, you thought it meant adding a third, but in hindsight, he really wanted to know if you could share him with his wife. If he really did want you to find another to be with all of you, he really wanted you to find someone who fit with all three of you, so you wouldn't have to be alone while his time was otherwise occupied with real life. (Isn't that nice of him?)

He asked you on numerous occasions if you were really getting anything out of the relationship that made you happy? (This alleviates his guilt.)

He didn't tell you till you were ready to purchase a plane ticket & book a hotel? (How nice of him?)

I suspect you will stay with him for awhile longer, even in spite of what any of us have told you. You will want to walk this path until you can see it for what it is.

Whatever you do, please don't tell his wife. She knows. She just chooses not to say anything, because in doing so, she can keep what little bit of life she has with him intact. She knows he will eventually tire of you & the relationship will fizzle out. And eventually, he will find another. She is hurting enough. Please don't make her hurt more by having to confront something she may not be up, nor want to confront.

Good luck to you. I hope if nothing else, you will realize the strength you possess inside of yourself.

(in reply to unbroken33)

Post #: 24

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 8:46:24 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

How could you possibly want to be with a guy who has no problem in telling you a lie of this magnitude?

Not to mention the lie he's telling his wife. This is the woman that he stood up in front of family and friends and made vows to.....and he's still lying to her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
Oh, and I'm against the advice of outing him to his wife. She has misery enough in being married to him.

Yeah, I've never figured out why people think the wife deserves to be hurt, too.

You have a relationship that's all about trust which is based on a lie. He's already proven that he'll lie to the most important person in his life. Since you're not the most important person in his life, it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll lie to you, too. You're always going to come second to his marriage.

Why would you be with someone that would do this to you?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 25

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 9:06:05 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

quote:

D/s relationships thrive off of trust, and this is a blatant case of misplaced trust. If you feel you can bring this to his attention and talk through it...you could go that route. If not, I'd advise searching elsewhere.

I'm all in favor of talk it through before you run for the hills. But, seriously, in this case, what is there to talk through?

He says, 'I'm sorry I hurt you. It was wrong of me to lie. I know you better now, I know I can trust you, I know I can and should share everything with you. I love you, you are my best friend and I never want to lose you. I will never lie to you again.'
When he is done saying that - He is still married.
You either keep being in an afiar - lieing to this woman, helping him lie, knowing you will always come in second in a BIG, SERIOUS way - not second as a secondary might be second, but second as in - never call me. you can write me a note, or give me a card, but i'm going to throw it away before I leave you. You can't every meet my parents, my kids, my siblings, my friends. You can't ever go to my church. No, we can't eat there - the wife and i eat there sometimes, what if someone recognizes us. Maybe we shouldn't go out at all. Let's just stay in and fuck, which is all I want you for anyway.
I don't care if your Mother just died, never, never, NEVER CALL ME! Holidays are out of the question. And while you could be in ICU after a car crash and it wouldn't mean that I could rush to your side - understand, if she gets a paper cut or has a bad day at work, our date is off - because I can't exactly explain why it's not. Not her being selfish - just, she doesn't get to know, so what can i do?
Do you want to live like that?

Or, alternately, he tells her - do you want that? do you want that on your head?

With only two avialble outcomes -
He tells her, 'I'm sorry I hurt you. It was wrong of me to lie. I know I can and should share everything with you. I love you, you are my best friend and I never want to lose you. I want to do whatever work is necessary to gain back your trust and save our marriage. I will never lie to you again'

Or, he leaves her, (or she kicks him to the curb) - now you are in a LTR with a man who lies, cheats, who has no honor, can't be trusted -

I'm all for talking things out amongst partners - but I see not a single, viable, desirable outcome here.

< Message edited by tsatske -- 10/25/2008 9:14:25 AM >

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to shatteredplaster)

Post #: 26

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 10:22:34 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
Oh, and I'm against the advice of outing him to his wife. She has misery enough in being married to him.

Yeah, I've never figured out why people think the wife deserves to be hurt, too.

It's a selfish thing. It has nothing to do with the wife. It's all about "You hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you in return by dropping the bomb on your marriage." It's gaining satisfaction by being vindictive, and, in my opinion, vindictive attitudes are ugly.

I'm with the others who say he lied to you in a major way, so...buh bye. Unless of course you're ok with being lied to, and if you're ok with perpetuating his lie at home. I was ok with being lied to for awhile...until I realized I could no longer tell what was a lie and what was the truth. Then I had a big ol' case of Trust-Be-Gone, and let me tell you, it's pretty exhausting to try to constantly decipher what is truth as what is not.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 27

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 10:42:11 AM

bebeuu

Posts: 18
Joined: 3/21/2007
Status: offline

I apparently am in the minority here...but if I was his wife...I would WANT to know that he has been betraying me. This happened to me when I was in my first marriage. My husband would deliberately get into arguments with me...accuse me of all kinds of things...and leave me for hours at a time. No matter how much I tried to be the wife that he wanted...there was always something that made him mad...and make him so mad he would have to go and "cool off" for a while. It wasn't all the time...and it wasn't just one thing...and I never knew what would set him off...and turn him from being the loving husband I adored... to the cruel person who would put me down...and then leave. One day...I caught him red handed with the "other woman"...and it ALL made sense. Apparently there were others around us who had been knowing he was cheating on me...but didn't say anything because they didn't want to hurt me. It would have saved me months of anguish...of doubting myself...of beating myself up for making him storm off...if someone would have just come and told me the truth. If this man is cheating on his wife...then his wife is already hurt. Let her know the truth...and then she can decide if she wants to stay...or leave his sorry behind and find someone who is truly worthy of her *smiles*.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 28

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 10:52:28 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyb4u

I am deeply in love with my Master,who I found out after 18 months together is married..Is it fair to be part of an affair?

perhaps this is a question you should be seriously asking yourself and not us.

then ask that same question to his wife and hear what she has to say.

speaking from experience, continuing this relationship will only set you up for a heartbreak.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to sexyb4u)

Post #: 29

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 10:55:41 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

quote:

bebeuu:
I apparently am in the minority here...but if I was his wife...I would WANT to know that he has been betraying me. This happened to me when I was in my first marriage.

Yes, the problem here is one of consent. It is not that many here can not imagine a wife who would WANT to know - many, perhaps most of us, can imagine that possiblility.
The problem is, other than telling her, how do you decide that THIS wife wants to know.
It's like the difference between the doc saying, 'I can actually tell you the exact time and date of your death. Would you like to know?
And saying, 'If you were going to die at 85 years old on august fifth when a car jumps the curb and hits you while you wait for a bus to take you to the senior center to play bridge - if i knew that for sure - would you want me to tell you? oops, never mind?'
Or the xray tech saying 'do you want to know that it's a girl?' instead of 'do you want to know the gender of your child'
Tell me how to ask the wife for permission to tell her, and I will be four square one hundred percent for telling her. He does not really get a vote, in my oppinion, he blew that one.

quote:

My husband would deliberately get into arguments with me...accuse me of all kinds of things...and leave me for hours at a time.

Yea, and, if some of those were accusations that YOU were cheating - with no reason you could make sense of he would think that -
That itself is a big, flashing, screaming red light.

< Message edited by tsatske -- 10/25/2008 10:57:11 AM >

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to bebeuu)

Post #: 30

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 11:00:52 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

I don't know that it is any of her business, what he does in his married life, and how he does it. Pointing her to connecting with his wife, I think, is disingenuous. Simply put: the conflict is between her and her lover/master/whatever, his relationship with his wife is his own responsibility. If he is cheating on two women at this point in his life, he is going to continue doing that, it is a lifestyle pattern, and pointing her towards the wife is a distraction from who she really should be talking to - herself. She got herself in this situation, she did not read the signs, she did not do her homework - especially in this day and age, taking the right precautions, and finding out if he is married, takes all of half a day and $40. Anyone who doesn't do either of those things is crossing Fifth Ave. with their eyes closed.

(in reply to bebeuu)

Post #: 31

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 11:08:09 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bebeuu

I apparently am in the minority here...but if I was his wife...I would WANT to know that he has been betraying me.

Even if the delivey method is a screaming, hysterical, vindictive woman who is enjoying your pain?

Let's see, Master's ex-psycho called the wife of a guy she had been dumped by, in the middle of the their son's 5th birthday party. How about confronted in your driveway on the way to work? How about in front of your kids?

If you somehow think having your husband's mistress being the delivery system is less painfull, you're mistaken.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to bebeuu)

Post #: 32

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 11:31:28 AM

faithbunny

Posts: 99
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline

You should not stay with this man. You know this. You don't want to know that, we never want to know that when we're in love with an unsuitable partner, but you do. You'll probably stick around for awhile, and it'll slowly eat away at you, the increasing paranoia, wondering what else he's lying about, how many other girls he might be banging behind your back. You'll be on edge all the time, depressed, moody, and it'll start to affect your relationship with him, and you'll fight, or he'll stop coming around as much. Ultimately, there is no hope of this relationship living happily ever after, but you're not ready til you're ready, and I hope for your sake that you're ready sooner rather than later. Know this, though: right now, you are an innocent victim of his lies. If you stay, you become as guilty as he is.

As to the question of telling his wife, something you're not even close to being ready to consider anyway, if I were the wife, I would want to know. Of course I would hope that other woman would have the decency to tell me as kindly as possible, but I would want to know regardless. That said, I am not the wife, and if you approach her you never know what reaction you'll get.

~faith

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 33

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 11:35:49 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

That is a question which only you have the answer to. Yet while you are doing this, you may want to also think long and hard and ask yourself some rel tough questions.

Is this situation one that you can live with?
Are you willing to be "the other woman?"
If or when the wife discovers your existence, are you ready and capable of dealing with the aftermath and backlash you will face?
Are you mentally and emotionally strong enough to accept and deal with the mentioned backlash?
If this relationship is hidden from his wife, are you able to keep a clear line drawn between your relationship with him and his relationship with his wife?
If a time comes where you want more of your Master, are you able to fully accept the fact you will feel you are settling for "seconds?"
Are you emotionally and mentally strong enough to face the moral condemnation from people who will stigmatize you for being the other woman?

What I am getting at is I have experienced the fact that I have been through both sides of an affair. I have been cheated on and I have also been in the situation of being "the other man." Granted the married men I had the affair with were married to women, yet the overall situation was the same. So I know first hand of what I speak as in one situation one wife caught us sleeping together in bed the morning after and another time, the wife became extremely suspicious to why he was always talking to me on the phone for 2-3 hours at a time.
So I will not state whether it's right or wrong if you are part of an affair, simply pointing out the things which aren't realized until after the fact and usually by then it's too late. My advice is to do some heavy soul searching and then you'll know what your answer is.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to sexyb4u)

Post #: 34

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 11:41:50 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I still want to know if she directly asked him "are you married?" Some men will not fess up unless it is a direct question. And it's one single women need to learn to ask, and of course, hope for disclosure. If in doubt, check public records (although I think you can marry in CA and have it kept private, not sure about other states).

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 35

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 12:32:27 PM

HelenWheels

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/6/2008
Status: offline

Sirsholly, you are so right. His wife knows. My ex claimed he was "stalked" which amounted to an ex-sub of his mailing a letter to his wife and asking to meet with her. His wife knows he sees other people, she thinks he's "sick" for being poly....I feel kinda sorry for him now.
He once told me he was not cheating since the wife knows and since I know he's poly - it's not cheating if he sees other people in "non-casual connections".

(in reply to Elenaconfined)

Post #: 36

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 1:51:50 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

quote:

I still want to know if she directly asked him "are you married?" Some men will not fess up unless it is a direct question.

And some won't fess up even then. I am not responsible for whatever unspoken rules other people may lay on me.
What if he won't fess up unless I ask him and I am looking directly in his eyes?
What if He won't fess up, no matter how directly I ask, if I ask over dinner, because surely this is not approprate dinner conversation?
What if he won't tell the truth unless I'm wearing purple, because that is the color of truth?

Really - If you acted with honor in your own behavoir, you are not responsible to 'ask directly' every question that he could be lieing about.

What kind of way is that to get a relationship off the ground?
'Are you married?' 'no'
'Well, are you seeing anyone?' 'no'
'Well, do you have any exes who seem to think they are still entitled to you?' 'no'
'Do you have any children?'
Does your mother cling to you and demand excess amounts of your time?'
'Do you have any casual playmates?'
'Do you have any friends with benifits?'

How many questions am I supposed to ask before it is not my fault that some jackass lied to me?
Surely I will ask some questions - but there is just no way I could be responsible to ask EVERY question.
And if a man is the type that lies not only to everyone else, but also to himself, and therefore 'only lies by ommision' - trust me, he can always find an excuse.
You will get mr. 'well, she did ask if i was married, buy actually it's my ex wife that I have been living with again for the last five years, so, we are not married, so I told her no.'
You will get, 'yes, i know i told you i'm not married, but, well, really i'm not. Sure, legeally I'm still married, and we still live in the same house, but we are no longer emotionally married at all, and I think she knows that too. Hell, she is probably cheating on me, too. We'd be divorced, but for this situation....'

If a man wants to lie, he will, and 'asking him directly' will not prevent that. It might make YOU feel that you did all you could, and if that fits in your ethics, then do it. But to hold people responsible for not following the ethics that make YOU feel better is a little silly.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 37

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 1:55:03 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Background checks, just saying.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 38

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 8:18:48 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyb4u

I am deeply in love with my Master,who I found out after 18 months together is married..Is it fair to be part of an affair?

Well let's honestly look at this. He married her, is legally bound to her and made a commitment to her. Why would you think it's ok to be party to a deception toward someone you don't even know who will also be devastated by this news.
Why aren't you furious that this idiot lied to you for 18months and what makes you think your the only affair he's having???

scarlet

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to sexyb4u)

Post #: 39

RE: Married and lied - 10/25/2008 8:22:03 PM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

~FR~

As everyone bites on vanilla post #1

(in reply to scarlethiney)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Married and lied

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094