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Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 8:27:35 PM

catize

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I’ve been thinking about this for awhile and Mistoferin’s post on first impressions gave me the impetus to write it out.

When we meet someone who is a potential D/s partner, what determines the yeah or nay? What makes us think this person is someone we would like to explore the dynamic with?

Speaking from my own experience, I can’t say that I really know.

Unlike some, I have never met a man who exuded an “aura of dominance”. I have never knelt without volition. If I had met R. or S. under other circumstances, I’m not at all sure I would have thought, ‘oooh, prospective dominant!”

However, since I did know their orientation, I still can’t tell you any tangible thing they said or did that decided me. I enjoyed their company, of course, and I liked them---still do, for that matter!

I submit to them because I find it rewarding and thrilling to do so, even when I’m submitting to stuff I don’t really wanna do, In both instances, they have authority over me.

And that leads me to the question that is the core of this post.
They certainly are men of character and have many admirable qualities. They have kept their word with me. But do I really believe they are due my deference above all other people? No, I don’t believe that. My pragmatic nature has determined that I owe it to them simply because it is what we have agreed upon. We chose together the dynamic that pleases us best
.
I am interested in other’s thoughts on this, submissive and dominant alike. Do you believe that your ‘place’, whether subordinated or exalted, is factual?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

Post #: 1

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 9:32:34 PM

AquaticSub

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My place with Valyraen is factual in that it's a fact that we have decided I am his girl.

Why we have decided that is both complex and simple. Boiled down - we have decided that we want to commit to each other for life and this is why we want to do it. What is more complicated is why we have decided it, which ranges from thinking the other will make a good parent to being sexually matched. I don't feel like I own Valyraen my obedience because he is better than other men or anything like that. I do it because we have agreed on it because he is a better man for me, and that takes into account all my needs/desires from a partner.

As for an aura of dominance, that's a bit hard to put my finger on. I have felt more "compelled", for lack of a better word at the word, to obey some dominants more than others and some not at all. I would attribute that to personal chemistry with those people more than any aura of dominance though.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/30/2008 9:33:52 PM >

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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Post #: 2

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 9:39:38 PM

DavanKael

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To date, I have only met one person to whom I felt immediately comfortable behaving in submission. Exquisite thing. I cherish the experience. I suspect it's rare.
Davan

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Post #: 3

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 9:43:47 PM

CruelDesires

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Some people have a certain "energy" about them. I guess one could call it an aura. I've experianced it.

C-D

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RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 10:16:44 PM

littlewonder

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For me when I meet someone there has to be a chemistry, a connection between us. We have to be comfortable with one another and we just "click" and of course I'm physically attracted to him.

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Post #: 5

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 10:23:19 PM

moonvine

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Well, since I am looking for a life partner and not someone to explore the dynamic with, all the things that I would look for in a vanilla partner.

I have *seen* a dominant who exuded an aura of dominance - when I used to go to parties in another city in which I used to live had one - and he mentored my first dominant, so I expect my first dominant now has one too. I haven't seen him in ages though so I don't know, and it is unlikely we will run into each other since we now live hundreds of miles apart.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 6

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 10:44:20 PM

GreedyTop

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There have been just 2 people that I have felt that 'aura' from.. the immediate sense of feeling submissive to them. Anyone else I've been involved with has generally been more a top/bottom dynamic.
I cant pinpoint what it is about the two... I tend to scoff at those who claim to be 'natural dominants', simply because - without fail - the ones who claim it ARENT. The two who drew the submissive side of me never had to proclaim that they were dominant...

I dunno if this made sense, or answered the op worth a damn.. I'm tired and rambling.. LOL

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Post #: 7

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 11:35:05 PM

FullfigRIMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
When we meet someone who is a potential D/s partner, what determines the yeah or nay? What makes us think this person is someone we would like to explore the dynamic with?

I've met both dominant personalities which and submissive ones, and I'm not sure whether it's been because of my aura. I do know that when a gentleman approaches witha humble/let me serve you demeanor, I tend to like it better, now that I know what trips my trigger.

How do I determine Yeah or Nay? Chemistry, a non domineering personality, and his response to my kiss. This took some introspection, and a lot of time of course. I used to be fairly shy and wanted to be as conspicuous as possible in a room, but that way, I only attracted strong/dominant personalities with which I mix like oil and water. Now that I am more interactive/comfortable in my skin, I either attract glares from big egos, or a following from s types, which is kind of kool. M

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Post #: 8

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 11:40:36 PM

darkfootsteps

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grins in Martial arts we have the same thing, those that posture I don't worry to much about, the ones that are quiet im very careful around.
oh have a few furpeople here as well lol

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Post #: 9

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 11:42:50 PM

MarcEsadrian

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quote:

I am interested in other’s thoughts on this, submissive and dominant alike. Do you believe that your ‘place’, whether subordinated or exalted, is factual?

Fact: A thing that is indisputably the case.

So to reiterate, do you believe your dominance or submission is indisputably the case?

To whom? Myself, or in the eyes of another? In what circumstances? So many variables sprawl out from this question; it's tough to give a clean and concise answer here. Absolutes in D/s are difficult to find, but they can certainly exist. Cynicism, aloofness and poisoned egos shatter the possibilities all too often. When one has an almost religious experience in serving a Master or Mistress, absolute deference to one above all others is achievable. Serving simply by will and thrill alone makes for an interesting chain of experiences, but lacks the ingredients of something stickier, I believe.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 10

RE: Due Deference? - 10/30/2008 11:49:33 PM

TiedAndy

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this is a question I've thought about too, actually. In day-to-day activities and within the social network of my friends, I'm the dominant one among us, and usually arrange things or call things in order...so when I'm out and about I may seem just as if I'm not a dude who enjoys paddling and submission, heh...I think that there's definate times where I have gotten a feeling that someone can sorta see through what I guess could be like an exterior shell, of sorts, or perhaps a facade, for lack of a better word. This is entirely true...once I'm tied the dude who was on the phone talking about meeting up for disc golf is nowhere to be seen.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 11

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 1:37:21 AM

colouredin

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I have met a few people who have the aura of Dominance, or at least thats what I thought it was, I probably wouldnt have done were it not in a BDSM context, I knew their oriantation. However I have come to think that it was in fact something differant. Confidence and arrogance mostly, a sense of knowing what they want, how to get it and belief that they will. This mingled with charisma and smarts is what made them stick out, they had me believing that they were as great as they thought they were.

I have however since began to think that a large part of my submission to them wasnt much about consent or personal choice but more a strange mix of awe and fear. Its like being hypnotised thats the only way I can describe it. At the time I did enjoy it, i fell into it totally but since I have questioned it. To me its not eal, the people arent real and they certainly arent what I need from a relationship because their arrogance extended to the belief that I was nothing, i am sure that is how some want to feel but not I.

I think confidence is important to any dominant, however I dont think it should lead to them believing they are superiour for whatever reason (both that I can remember believed women were less than men in general, not really my cup of tea) Hense why the relationships didnt last long, the facade cant be kept up that long.

For me now, I look for compatability first in all areas, though submission is something I strongly relate to it doesnt have to be full of fear it can be more subtle. I still need my partner to be sure of themselves and able to make decisions something that I am not the best at. But I dont need the fantasy element of it, I need to feel more secure, the dynamic is agreed upon becuase its what we both want not because of some false sense of self.

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Post #: 12

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 1:45:55 AM

catize

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Thanks, Aquatic, there is much to be said regarding two people who fit well together constructing their respective places, while still keeping their feet planted firmly on the ground. And your tag line sums it up pretty well for me!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 13

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 1:47:13 AM

catize

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I am interested in that, would you care to elaborate? For instance, was there something specific about that person, or maybe it was your particular mind set in that circumstance?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 14

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 1:48:37 AM

catize

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I guess I view any new relationship, even when the goal is life long partnership as an exploration, finding what works.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to moonvine)

Post #: 15

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 1:49:46 AM

catize

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~smiles~ Leg cramps woke me up so here I am reading responses. Hope you are resting now, but when you are more alert, I am interested in this aura. Can it be described in a way that is meaningful to someone like me who has never ‘seen’ it?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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Post #: 16

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 1:51:23 AM

catize

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

quote:

I am interested in other’s thoughts on this, submissive and dominant alike. Do you believe that your ‘place’, whether subordinated or exalted, is factual?

Fact: A thing that is indisputably the case.

So to reiterate, do you believe your dominance or submission is indisputably the case?

To whom? Myself, or in the eyes of another? In what circumstances? So many variables sprawl out from this question; it's tough to give a clean and concise answer here. Absolutes in D/s are difficult to find, but they can certainly exist. Cynicism, aloofness and poisoned egos shatter the possibilities all too often. When one has an almost religious experience in serving a Master or Mistress, absolute deference to one above all others is achievable. Serving simply by will and thrill alone makes for an interesting chain of experiences, but lacks the ingredients of something stickier, I believe.

Great reiteration, thank you.

I’m asking about both.

As I’m not religious or even remotely spiritual, I tend not to describe it as divine, but I believe I can relate in the sense that some experiences have gone beyond the physical; I tend to see it as the power of the mind.
In what sense are you using the word ‘stickier’; I’m unclear if you mean more complicated or more of a matter of staying-power, as in long term?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Post #: 17

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 1:52:22 AM

catize

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A man with priorities, I like that!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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Post #: 18

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 2:08:02 AM

catize

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Thank you, Colouredin, like you I am more ready to submit to one who has a quiet self assurance, rather than the fantasy based belief in their own superiority.
I can only feel secure and happy in my submission when I know he appreciates my part of the dynamic.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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Post #: 19

RE: Due Deference? - 10/31/2008 4:43:56 AM

DesFIP

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Quiet confidence, patience, self control. But basically it comes down to chemistry. Without that, nothing's going to happen. With it, I'm willing to spend more time learning about him to see if I respect him and could trust him.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 20

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