RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough.

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4] 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/1/2008 7:47:25 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
But seriously, when you think about it...what the hell is a safe call, to a person not within 5 minutes of where you are...what the hell good would something like that do? Is it going to stop you from being killed? Beaten within an inch of your life? Kidnapped for real?

I met my former Master in a hotel, in a town I was not greatly familiar with. I did have a couple of safe calls in place. When I made the last one, just after midnight, I got this sinking feeling of realization, and I looked at him and said, "I guess this means you can kill me now."

Fortunately his answer was, "What good would you be to me dead?"

As I mentioned before, they are a way to keep friends at peace.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 61

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/1/2008 8:51:12 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I met my former Master in a hotel, in a town I was not greatly familiar with. I did have a couple of safe calls in place. When I made the last one, just after midnight, I got this sinking feeling of realization, and I looked at him and said, "I guess this means you can kill me now."

Fortunately his answer was, "What good would you be to me dead?"

As I mentioned before, they are a way to keep friends at peace.

The way that you used the safe call is not necessarily the way everyone else would use one. Some people would not be alone the first time they met someone, for these people a safe call would be more helpful. If your friends did not have any information on your former master, I would not consider that any sort of safe call at all.

You know vanillas often have a system that they use on blind dates... they have a friend call part way through the date so that if it is not working out for them they can cough up a dead hamster and leave. I have heard vanilla people having "safe calls" for when they meet people off the 'net, they just do not call them "safe calls".

I have this view of it... if you are the sort of person that completely relies on safety belts to keep you alive and drive like a freak because you completely count on a safety belt instead of good driving to keep you safe, well you are probably the same sort of person that believes that only having a person call them on a date will keep you safe. Anyone who believes that having someone call them or checking in will keep them safe because they are a "newbie" should perhaps rethink being involved in WIITWD in the first place because their judgment is not the best, nor is their logic really trusty.

Using these sorts of calls in conjunction with other methods of being safe is the key. Finding out personal info and checking it out is a better bet if you intend on being alone with someone the first time you meet. Trusting your intuition if probably a fairly good bet the vast majority of the time. Staying in public is another method of staying safe. Why limit yourself to any one method? Why not employ them all in ways that work for you?

I have to say when I read people say a method of being safe is "dangerous" because someone will rely too heavily upon it, well I find that amusing. We are never completely safe no matter where we are, and most people have a false sense of safety the vast majority of the time.. such as when they are driving close to home, where they are most likely to have accidents because they are not being careful. Most of us are on guard when meeting a stranger and are looking for danger signs. That is why if a woman gets raped it is usually someone she knows that did it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 62

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/1/2008 9:01:49 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

We are never completely safe no matter where we are, and most people have a false sense of safety the vast majority of the time..

That's why, the last time we had the "safety" discussion, and the question was, "when are you safe", my response was "you're as safe 30 seconds after you meet as you're ever going to be". Because, frankly, you just never know.

You can try to skew the odds in your favor by employing various means, but you just never know.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 63

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/1/2008 9:56:24 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

The way that you used the safe call is not necessarily the way everyone else would use one. Some people would not be alone the first time they met someone, for these people a safe call would be more helpful. If your friends did not have any information on your former master, I would not consider that any sort of safe call at all.

Hi Julia,

I snipped most of the post for brevity but wanted to comment.

Yes, I had all sorts of info on him prior to meeting, and sent what I had to my friends. And while I did call them at midnight, I also told them if they did not hear from my by 9am, to start contacting me, and to contact where we were staying to check up on me, etc. The calls were not used as a safeguard to keep me safe, they were used as a tool to track me down (or track him down) in case I wasn't safe after all. The reason I met with him there was not because I had these calls to ensure my safety. I did my own research on him to assess the risk.

I have a non-D/s friend who uses Match.com as a tool for dating. When she's not so sure about someone she meets them at a busy place for dinner, like Elephant Bar or the like, and calls me on her way home. If they stay out later and change locations, she sends me a text so I know of her whereabouts. She uses her own instincts and precautions, and the call to me is just a supplement to that, to keep someone informed. She is not D/s, but also refers to these as "safe calls", but also realizes that system will not ensure her safety. She relies on her common sense and the use of caution to keep her risks down.

I met the man I am seeing now in a hotel in Los Angeles. I had done enough due diligence to feel a low sense of risk with him, but I did contact my sister, who lives about an hour from there, to ask her if I could show up at her place in case things got weird. I had her number with me, her address, my blackberry, and money.

In short, I rely on myself to be safe, not on a call to someone who is located somewhere else. They may be of help in the event that trouble arises, but unless they are there and armed, they can't possibly intervene should the guy turn out to be a monster.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 64

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/1/2008 10:10:53 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I do believe that a predator sort that knows you will be taking many precautions to meet with them will probably switch to an easier target, someone less suspicious, someone more trusting, etc. I see these calls as a deterrent I suppose, a way to tell someone that means you harm that you have thought ahead to your safety and that you will employ many techniques to take care of yourself. Study after study has shown that those who have criminal intent to victimize a person will reconsider a mark if there is the least sign of resistance, and someone who has given out contact info on a perp is probably not going to be an easy mark. The perp knows the person has given out their info knows that when you end up missing someone will be looking in their direction. Is this an absolutely fool proof method of not becoming a crime statistic? No, but it sure as hell helps.

My Daddy has taught me a thing or two about how to avoid being a statistic, one of those things is resist no matter what. Usually someone who wants to bother a woman will leave if she shows even slight resistance... this has been shown over and over again.

The most dangerous thing in the world (in my opinion) is to show up at a hotel letting that person know you have no one looking for you, that you are hiding your "sex life" because you are embarrassed or would lose your home, family, or job due to meeting them. This is like telling someone "Kill me, dispose me of, and no one will ever know"... I think that is a far more dangerous message to send to newbies... but that is just my opinion

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/1/2008 10:12:11 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 65

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/1/2008 10:33:59 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I see these calls as a deterrent I suppose, a way to tell someone that means you harm that you have thought ahead to your safety and that you will employ many techniques to take care of yourself.

I see them in part as a deterrent, also. In both of my cases, they knew that the people who care about me knew who they were, where I was, and what my plans were. In both cases, they were fine with that. If they had balked, I probably would not have gone.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 66

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/1/2008 11:35:14 PM

Daes

Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline

Keeping your own safety in mind + common sense is enough in preventable circumstances, which is what this was.

I'm just going to say that this is why first meets should take place in public.

But a lesson learned is a lesson learned. Choosing to meet in a private location is a risk on its own, an even larger one if you don't know who you are seeing or who they Really are. At least you came out fine and not in a coffin.

< Message edited by Daes -- 11/1/2008 11:51:29 PM >

_____________________________

~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 67

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 5:56:02 AM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline

Detracting away from the injured ankle (I do hope you recover well from by the way :)), this is a case of being un-organised, and naive I feel.

The fact that you imposed your responsibilty on your friend, why did you not have the finance or backup plan to organise your own accommodation? Why did it take a safecall to ask him for help?

We should all have a backup plan, with all aspects of our lives, situations can alter and not go to plan, this it in itself our own safety mechanism, responsibilties, independance and comfort in our own peace of mind.

I agree with another comment, safecalls I have made in the past (I have travelled alone home & abroad many a time) are usually for my close friends/parents peace of mind, for their comfort, not my peace of mind lol.

Whether you injured your ankle or not, the fact was, you were in the town you didnt know, no alternative arrangements/accommodation, and a ticket to return home.

Responsibility is much more then a voice at the end of a phoneline, in the wrong hands safecalls can be made at a certain time, what happens before and after the safecall?

Ideally the best thing to do, is actually travel with a friend, let them stay at a B&B or hotel, and pop off and have your fun. Knowing that someone you know, are aware of your location, and can physically walk, taxi or get to the location if things go wrong :)

I have met strangers in the past alone, and I always live by "when in doubt, do not act", going with the gut instinct!

_____________________________

My Members Site.
http://mistressrougeuk.c4slive.com/

http://www.clips4sale.com/store/13392

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 68

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 6:25:09 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Safe calls on their own, in this instance and in any other - are not enough.

When meeting anyone, even if you know the local area, you should have a back up plan, including enough money to stay elsewhere or to get yourself home earlier than pre-planned.

Accidents happen and cannot be anticipated (as in tripping, hurting ankles or knees etc) but must be taken into consideration - it's a 'could happen' scenario. Trying to stay in an area not so far away from home and that you either have contacts in is a great start.

Love you misst - you know that. But I am also in complete agreement with softie. And Darcy might just give you a gentle telling off when we see ya.

As to the man in question, regardless you behaved stupidly. I am not taking sides and I don't know you but if you had enough balls, compassion and a better head on your shoulders - you wouldn't have put anyone into that position in the first place- LET ALONE YOURSELF. Arranging a meet with someone at your house where you haven't the decency to check that the person hasn't got a back up plan in the first place? Do you have any idea the risk you put yourself in if it had been anyone else but Misst? Do you not realise that you placed yourself in majorly bad place? I really hope you learn from your inexperience on a personal level - for your own sake.

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 11/2/2008 6:27:54 AM >

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 69

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 7:20:45 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

The fact that you imposed your responsibilty on your friend, why did you not have the finance or backup plan to organise your own accommodation? Why did it take a safecall to ask him for help?

I don't think soft saw it as an imposition if im honest. I didn't have a back up plan because truthfully i didn't think to make one, my bad. However when stood with an ankle you can hardly walk on and not knowing a place yes i turned to my friend for help.

quote:

Love you misst - you know that. But I am also in complete agreement with softie. And Darcy might just give you a gentle telling off when we see ya.

It seems this may be a lesson i will never forget. By the time soft and friend and darcy have finished me it will be permanently implanted. Seriously though i know i was stupid and it will not happen again.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to MistressRouge)

Post #: 70

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 8:21:01 AM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

The fact that you imposed your responsibilty on your friend, why did you not have the finance or backup plan to organise your own accommodation? Why did it take a safecall to ask him for help?

I don't think soft saw it as an imposition if im honest. I didn't have a back up plan because truthfully i didn't think to make one, my bad. However when stood with an ankle you can hardly walk on and not knowing a place yes i turned to my friend for help.

,Fair enough

, maybe a safecall in my knowledge is a telephone call to let a friend/relative know you are ok, that things are in order, and you are safe and well.

In your case, you needed alot more then a confirmation of wellbeing via a telephone safecall, things turned out unexpected, but I am happy it worked out in the end for you, and hope your ankle heals quickly

_____________________________

My Members Site.
http://mistressrougeuk.c4slive.com/

http://www.clips4sale.com/store/13392

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 71

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 8:31:35 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

The fact that you imposed your responsibilty on your friend, why did you not have the finance or backup plan to organise your own accommodation? Why did it take a safecall to ask him for help?

I don't think soft saw it as an imposition if im honest. I didn't have a back up plan because truthfully i didn't think to make one, my bad. However when stood with an ankle you can hardly walk on and not knowing a place yes i turned to my friend for help.

quote:

Love you misst - you know that. But I am also in complete agreement with softie. And Darcy might just give you a gentle telling off when we see ya.

It seems this may be a lesson i will never forget. By the time soft and friend and darcy have finished me it will be permanently implanted. Seriously though i know i was stupid and it will not happen again.

Firstly .. it was not an imposition ... its what friends do for each other. Brighton is my home town, I know it better than her .. and was able to get her into a hotel within spitting distance of my parents and a taxi to collect her in minutes ... anyone else that would have taken a lot longer and it was something I was happy to do.
The fact that I would have been far happier doing it at the planning stage of her little adventure has been made crystal clear.

Secondly ... that you will be learning your lesson, and having it permenantly implanted is perhaps your greatest understatement ever ... dear friend.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 72

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 8:39:28 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

Hey guys, is there any apparent need to batter missturbation at all -- she didn't post to self-aggrandize but to expose a bit of her personal life she's admittedly not found suitable for herself, and wrote so that maybe it might help one of YOU. Personally I think it took guts to admit she was caught out without her ducks in a row when it might have really counted.

Why don't we all just let the woman have her peace now, okay? Frankly I find it rather unlikely that none of you has ever had cause to regret a lack of preparation that might have cost dearly.
candystripper

(in reply to MistressRouge)

Post #: 73

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 8:42:38 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

candy .. she's a big kid .. she can take it.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 74

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 8:45:35 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

I was thinking that there was no need to further beat

Miss up over her mistake, but then I remembered where I was...

I say spank her.

Spank her harder..

..You know she wants it!

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 75

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 9:35:23 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

I have a sneaking suspicion that my punishments will not consist of physical pain, i would enjoy that.
I think its going to be more mental

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 76

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 9:40:03 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

you sneak correctly .... you think I am gonna give the kiddie candy for playing in traffic?

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 77

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 10:00:00 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Well I tried, Miss....no sneaking anything past them.

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 78

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 11:38:07 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

The fact that you imposed your responsibilty on your friend, why did you not have the finance or backup plan to organise your own accommodation? Why did it take a safecall to ask him for help?

I don't think soft saw it as an imposition if im honest. I didn't have a back up plan because truthfully i didn't think to make one, my bad. However when stood with an ankle you can hardly walk on and not knowing a place yes i turned to my friend for help.

Firstly .. it was not an imposition ... its what friends do for each other. Brighton is my home town, I know it better than her .. and was able to get her into a hotel within spitting distance of my parents and a taxi to collect her in minutes ... anyone else that would have taken a lot longer and it was something I was happy to do.
The fact that I would have been far happier doing it at the planning stage of her little adventure has been made crystal clear.

I really wanted to comment on this.
Safecalls/smasecalls are pointless if you haven't got friends strong enough to see it through. I don't get comments that state you supposed to not 'impose' on people who are your safe calls. WTF? If you become a safecallee, you automatically accept the responsibility of some sort of care. If you can't, or don't know the area or have no ability to respond in an emergency then DON'T BE SOMEONES SAFECALL.

Misst phoned the people she knew who would support her and be their for her. It started a network running. Despite the other shit, she at least knew for sure who she could rely on without having to worry about repercussions or having to 'payback' in some way.

It's what friends do, otherwise, what is the point of being friends.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 79

RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. - 11/2/2008 11:59:41 AM

westside

Posts: 121
Joined: 1/28/2004
Status: offline

Perhaps bring a friend to the first few meetings?

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 80

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4] 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough.

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4] 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094