quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

I found another thread by the OP, but can't find the one by him....which post is it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

I found another thread by the OP, but can't find the one by him....which post is it?

Composer83 posted on this forum. "Advice for a new Dominant" I believe is the title. Of course, it could be a coincidence that they are both from Oklahoma, and both posting about wanting to please the other...

quote:

ORIGINAL: ValMari

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

I found another thread by the OP, but can't find the one by him....which post is it?

Composer83 posted on this forum. "Advice for a new Dominant" I believe is the title. Of course, it could be a coincidence that they are both from Oklahoma, and both posting about wanting to please the other...

Well, now you fully understand....if this is him (and I won't divulge whether it is/ isn't). This was posted in January...But it adds to my point either way. I've been a stick in the mud. Didn't accept because I couldn't fathom what he wanted at the time....now I do, I want it too, and I'm in a pickle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

ValMari,

I was very hesitant about posting in reply to you mainly because I’m so new to D/s myself.  Everything I say comes with that caveat.   Also, as I’ve been frequently and rightly reminded,  all dommes and all subs are different.   Finally, you may be well aware of what I’m about to say and it may be ‘old hat’ to you.  Yet something you say here makes me suspect that that last might not be the case.

Apart from lots of quite dry and  empty experiences at BDSM venues , I’ve only had one D/s relationship of two short, though intense, months under my belt.   This started as a vanilla relationship but turned into a D/s relationship in those last two months (and after a lot of awkward and slightly depressing “role playing”). 

I knew that she had a dominant streak in her - that was clear from her fantasies.  Yet she couldn't bring those fantasies into the real world.  Looking back, the key to the problem was that I wasn’t able to convey to her what I wanted because she couldn’t grasp an essential “illogicality”: that what I wanted was just to please her.   Venatrix says, above, that subs can tell from light years away if a woman is really into domination or not.  This is true of me, at least.  One way I can tell is by a certain frown and slightly frantic look in her eyes that says “I’m looking for some way of dominating him that he’ll enjoy”.  

That’s the wrong premise.  Or at least it would be for a sub who’s like me.  It goes back to a big difference, recalling your first sentence, that I wasn’t able to articulate at the time.  You say in that sentence, “I have been in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful and thoughtful man who only wanted to worship me and be dominated by me”.

If he’s like me, then the crucial thing is not that you learn to dominate him.  It’s that you learn only that he wants to submit to you.   

If it’s of any help: the very first time that my ex-partner “twigged” wasn’t at a BDSM club.  It involved no BDSM paraphernalia whatsoever.   She told me, late one night and just before we were both about to fall asleep, that she wanted me to make her breakfast in the morning.   I said, “fine, so long as that’s an order and not a request”.    After a strange ten minutes of questions and answers  the next morning  (Her: “But why did you enjoy making my breakfast so much?” –Me: “Because it was what you wanted and you told me, not asked me, to do it”.  Etcetera. ), she grasped it. 
It was by no means plain sailing after that, but it did, very quickly, become very intense and very good, for both of us.   I just wish I’d had the language and the concepts then that I have now.

God knows if that "advice from a greenhorn" is of the slightest help – but, anyway, good luck to you both.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

ValMari,

I was very hesitant about posting in reply to you mainly because I’m so new to D/s myself.  Everything I say comes with that caveat.   Also, as I’ve been frequently and rightly reminded,  all dommes and all subs are different.   Finally, you may be well aware of what I’m about to say and it may be ‘old hat’ to you.  Yet something you say here makes me suspect that that last might not be the case.

Apart from lots of quite dry and  empty experiences at BDSM venues , I’ve only had one D/s relationship of two short, though intense, months under my belt.   This started as a vanilla relationship but turned into a D/s relationship in those last two months (and after a lot of awkward and slightly depressing “role playing”). 

I knew that she had a dominant streak in her - that was clear from her fantasies.  Yet she couldn't bring those fantasies into the real world.  Looking back, the key to the problem was that I wasn’t able to convey to her what I wanted because she couldn’t grasp an essential “illogicality”: that what I wanted was just to please her.   Venatrix says, above, that subs can tell from light years away if a woman is really into domination or not.  This is true of me, at least.  One way I can tell is by a certain frown and slightly frantic look in her eyes that says “I’m looking for some way of dominating him that he’ll enjoy”.  

That’s the wrong premise.  Or at least it would be for a sub who’s like me.  It goes back to a big difference, recalling your first sentence, that I wasn’t able to articulate at the time.  You say in that sentence, “I have been in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful and thoughtful man who only wanted to worship me and be dominated by me”.

If he’s like me, then the crucial thing is not that you learn to dominate him.  It’s that you learn only that he wants to submit to you.   

If it’s of any help: the very first time that my ex-partner “twigged” wasn’t at a BDSM club.  It involved no BDSM paraphernalia whatsoever.   She told me, late one night and just before we were both about to fall asleep, that she wanted me to make her breakfast in the morning.   I said, “fine, so long as that’s an order and not a request”.    After a strange ten minutes of questions and answers  the next morning  (Her: “But why did you enjoy making my breakfast so much?” –Me: “Because it was what you wanted and you told me, not asked me, to do it”.  Etcetera. ), she grasped it. 
It was by no means plain sailing after that, but it did, very quickly, become very intense and very good, for both of us.   I just wish I’d had the language and the concepts then that I have now.

God knows if that "advice from a greenhorn" is of the slightest help – but, anyway, good luck to you both.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressFaye1

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

ValMari,

I was very hesitant about posting in reply to you mainly because I’m so new to D/s myself.  Everything I say comes with that caveat.   Also, as I’ve been frequently and rightly reminded,  all dommes and all subs are different.   Finally, you may be well aware of what I’m about to say and it may be ‘old hat’ to you.  Yet something you say here makes me suspect that that last might not be the case.

Apart from lots of quite dry and  empty experiences at BDSM venues , I’ve only had one D/s relationship of two short, though intense, months under my belt.   This started as a vanilla relationship but turned into a D/s relationship in those last two months (and after a lot of awkward and slightly depressing “role playing”). 

I knew that she had a dominant streak in her - that was clear from her fantasies.  Yet she couldn't bring those fantasies into the real world.  Looking back, the key to the problem was that I wasn’t able to convey to her what I wanted because she couldn’t grasp an essential “illogicality”: that what I wanted was just to please her.   Venatrix says, above, that subs can tell from light years away if a woman is really into domination or not.  This is true of me, at least.  One way I can tell is by a certain frown and slightly frantic look in her eyes that says “I’m looking for some way of dominating him that he’ll enjoy”.  

That’s the wrong premise.  Or at least it would be for a sub who’s like me.  It goes back to a big difference, recalling your first sentence, that I wasn’t able to articulate at the time.  You say in that sentence, “I have been in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful and thoughtful man who only wanted to worship me and be dominated by me”.

If he’s like me, then the crucial thing is not that you learn to dominate him.  It’s that you learn only that he wants to submit to you.   

If it’s of any help: the very first time that my ex-partner “twigged” wasn’t at a BDSM club.  It involved no BDSM paraphernalia whatsoever.   She told me, late one night and just before we were both about to fall asleep, that she wanted me to make her breakfast in the morning.   I said, “fine, so long as that’s an order and not a request”.    After a strange ten minutes of questions and answers  the next morning  (Her: “But why did you enjoy making my breakfast so much?” –Me: “Because it was what you wanted and you told me, not asked me, to do it”.  Etcetera. ), she grasped it. 
It was by no means plain sailing after that, but it did, very quickly, become very intense and very good, for both of us.   I just wish I’d had the language and the concepts then that I have now.

God knows if that "advice from a greenhorn" is of the slightest help – but, anyway, good luck to you both.

This is perfect and I may use it to show a Domme that I am mentoring.  She struggles with knowing what to do and say.  She has a strong dominate personality and though I've tried to get her to understand the mindset and the need to serve subs have she continues to allow them to make suggests and call the shots, which puts them in the place of topping or being the one in control.  They leave her because of this because they don't feel they are in a submissive role and need the hand of a dominate woman that can take the servitude they offer.

I've tried telling her to think of things she needs done, of things that would make her life better, and of any sexual needs she has and to begin taking steps to guide her potentials to this by simply telling them to do so.

Maybe to see if from this point of view she will take the reigns and lead.  I have no doubt that she "thinks" she wants this for herself or I wouldn't have agreed to mentor her but I am beginning to feel what she wants is to be in more of a female lead relationship vs. having someone that wants that level of power exchange.

At times I see her confusing her assertive nature as the ticket to FemDom but that's only the tip of the iceberg IMHO, there's more to a D/s dynamic than assertive behavior.

Ms. Faye