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RE: why cant people find each other - 12/13/2008 11:48:34 PM

Aszhrae

Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

ive come up with a new one:

that we get so used to looking we cant get out of the habit - each time someone interesting comes along, someone else interesting comes along and off you go again.....,

what will stop that i wonder, when no one is absolutely 'perfect' and to some degree or another a bit of 'settling' has to occur because of that and no one wants to settle and in the end 'searching' gets to be a bit of habit.

(in reply to lally3)

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RE: why cant people find each other - 12/14/2008 5:50:41 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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Girl really believes that you begin with something special within you and that attracts the dom/me. Then with commitment, time and training the sub/slave becomes something perfect to satisfy the needs of the dom/me and the TLR if it exists grows to something greater. Be it a spark or be it a seed.
How many sub/slaves have found their perfect fit with a dom/me they have met either here on CM, at a local munch or at a local dungeon night?
Girl reads it quite often in posts how such things have happened and they admit that they would not change a thing.

thank you - because this kind of illustrates a thought thats been buzzing in my brain just recently. meeting a person in the conformist way, ie., at a club/party - you meet them for real, their personality and appearance are the things that draw you into them.

on here, how much are we absolutely categorically ourselves. we project ourselves of course we do, but we can not project all of ourselves. with a D, when i meet them, i have in the past attempted to meld with them too much, ive responded to them more than i have kept true to my personality, because i can be a bit too much sometimes, a bit too opinionated, a bit strong. i dont totally dum myself down, but i realised a day or so ago that i am not the person i freely am on here, because on here im not trying to impress anyone.

in the end it hasnt worked out for me because i havent been myself, havent felt that myself was someone they could domnate or want to round up on occasions. im trying to change that. im going to be me, no holes barred from now on, if they cant handle that then theyre not for me.

so im meeting a guy next sunday who ive been talking to for about a month, ive talked to him about this and he sent me a beautiful text just now, reassuring me that 'me' is who he wants and that he'll enjoy gently steering 'me'.

i know that youll all say that this is obvious, that you can only ever be yourself. but the internet makes it easy to be yourself, and for me, in person, i have tended to react more to the D im with, in a way that i feel he will feel most comfortable and in the end, not been the person i was with them on the internet.

for me that takes courage, its saying 'hey this is me, this is what you have to like and want' and in the process face rejection because i dont always come across as submissive. it takes a strong, confident man to stop me in my tracks and i just dont want to usurp a person - even when i feel that i am way stronger than them.

its not that i want to be liked so much, i really dont have that much of a problem with myself - but i like the people i meet and i dont want to dissappoint them or make them feel any less dominant than they are.

please dont tell me im alone in this thought.. lol

< Message edited by lally3 -- 12/14/2008 5:53:06 AM >

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Post #: 162

RE: why cant people find each other - 12/14/2008 2:33:18 PM

Aszhrae

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Joined: 3/31/2008
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No 'lally3'. You are not alone in your thoughts.
We all make the error to become what others desire of us and we become lost in the illusions created by others. It takes the rare few to spot this within us and remind us who we are, why we are here and to continue by being ourselves.
Girl learned this before returning here after registering back in March and after spending some time within my own threads.
There really is some members here that are really good at offering guidance. Though there wisdom could be sweetened a little or done privately.
It is better to be your self and attract the master that is right for you.
You do not have to be what everyone else wants you to be. Leave it to the master that is right for you to take that authority to make you better.
You are looking for a master that is right for you not a master that is right for someone else.

< Message edited by Aszhrae -- 12/14/2008 2:39:02 PM >

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Post #: 163

RE: why cant people find each other - 12/15/2008 8:08:18 AM

roland23

Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

I know this is hard to believe, but the majority of people especially Americans are not interested in BDSM. The pool is quite small

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Post #: 164

RE: why cant people find each other - 12/15/2008 9:08:44 AM

submittous

Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
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We've been at this longer than most here, well back before the internet and the plethora of bdsm organizations and clubs... we have always been looking for those on the extreme side of bdsm and M/s so while we have met slaves locally before we have always been looking throughout the US and now the world. We recall the days of B&D Pleasures classified ads and Latent Image magazine being the main way to meet folks in other areas... waiting weeks for snail mail to be forwarded to us and exchanging bad polaroids etc. Amazingly we met compatible people through that primitive system, but in retrospect we think we (and everyone involved) were more flexible and willing to take action when we found someone who shared our bdsm needs and seemed appropriate. Now with thousands of folks sending photos and profiles all over the internet we think most folks tend to reject people for the slightest thing, believing there will be someone EVEN better just around the corner...

We don't believe in the "one" for each person, we know that compatibility can be transitory and often depends on where each person is in their life, in other words not only do we have to find compatible people but we have to find them at just the right point in their and our lives to connect. But we also think all of us in bdsm are now spoiled by the number of sites and people online and pass by many potentially compatible people usually for inconsequential reasons.

One of the pioneers of the modern study of human sexuality, John Money, coined the phrase "love maps" and famously said when two (or more) people with extreme love maps make a connection it is a triumph of the human spirit. We think it would be to everyone's benefit to keep that in mind and act when we sense compatibility.

Bill and Linda

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"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

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Post #: 165

RE: why cant people find each other - 12/15/2008 5:38:23 PM

Aszhrae

Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
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Girl remembers those ads too.
Most of the time you had to go to the XXX shop and grab the bi-monthly or quarterly magazine that came out or the paper or have it snail-mailed to your door.
It was '90-'91, the girl met current mistress while in hospital. The airline ticket was a nice b-day present. It will be 18 years March '09.
First mistress was, '84-'89. Met at church in '82.

You are correct Bill and Linda, people are much more selective nowadays. Absolute this or absolute that. You would almost think that they really do not want to invest in any real time with retraining. Sure there are horror stories but there also great relationships between M/s and D/s.
The human animal has quirks, flaws, strengths and weaknesses, personality, experiences (bad ones teach us lessons, good ones teach us that we did right by someone), character, intellect and skills.
All girl sees is a lot of emphasis on the mind and body.
Those that speak of wholeness are few and far between and many only state they achieved this when they finally found their M or D. Not read anyone stating anything about what they were like before they met their M or D, but some are very quick to criticize or judge.
No one is perfect, if we were we all have ascended by now or been cast down to burn.

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Post #: 166

RE: why cant people find each other - 12/15/2008 6:14:58 PM

centexsub

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamysubmale

Maybe we place too much emphasis on whether our kinks, fetishes, fantasies are compatible and forget to look past them and see the real person?

Maybe we concentrate too much on contacting potential partners only instead of opening ourselves up for all kinds of acquaintances and potential friendships.

Who know… my humble opinion anyways.

Please excuse me if there is any bad grammar. English is my second language.

Good post! I would add that just because person A likes being spanked, and person B likes to spank, doesn't mean that they will enjoy being together for more that 30 minutes. It's not easy to establish trust and friendship, but I think it's best to do that before really getting into bdsm activities.

(in reply to dreamysubmale)

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Post #: 167

RE: why cant people find each other - 12/15/2008 11:30:35 PM

Aszhrae

Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I know this is hard to believe, but the majority of people especially Americans are not interested in BDSM. The pool is quite small

Which is really narrows the choices for those of us that actually enjoy it and/or aroused by it within a D/s relationship.

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Post #: 168

RE: why cant people find each other - 12/16/2008 4:06:16 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

No 'lally3'. You are not alone in your thoughts.
We all make the error to become what others desire of us and we become lost in the illusions created by others. It takes the rare few to spot this within us and remind us who we are, why we are here and to continue by being ourselves.
Girl learned this before returning here after registering back in March and after spending some time within my own threads.
There really is some members here that are really good at offering guidance. Though there wisdom could be sweetened a little or done privately.
It is better to be your self and attract the master that is right for you.
You do not have to be what everyone else wants you to be. Leave it to the master that is right for you to take that authority to make you better.
You are looking for a master that is right for you not a master that is right for someone else.

thanks Aszhrae, youre a sweetheart, xxx