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second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:27:16 AM

lildorei

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/25/2004
Status: offline

This is not so much a question, but and observation I wanted to share. There are so many on CM that are so in tune with themselves. They know what they want. They are sure to the very core of their souls they are Master, Mistress, Switch, Slave or Submissive. With so many being so intune with themselves I have to wonder why so many are not making the connects for a successful relationship. Of course you have a ton of couples seeking a second slave and you have a ton of slaves seeking to be owned, but not as a second slave, thus the problem. I have a message for those slaves not wanting to be a second slave or maybe not a message but some words of advise. I was a second slave with my former master, and while the relationship was not without its trials and tribulations, it was a wonderful and illuminating experience. One I would not trade for anything. I learned alot from the experience and grew from it. Many of you are missing out on a chance for personal growth and a chance to be an active participant in the lifestyle, a chance to live life, by not keeping an open mind. We all share in a membership, that membership being composed of people who are like minded and people searching for a higher understanding of life within the bdsm community, people who are open and understanding and nonjudgemental of the vast differences we all have. I am just saying, be open to what is possible,to what is different, take a chance and step out of your comfort zone and experience life, it will open up a whole new world to you.

Post #: 1

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:33:00 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

While I agree 'try it out before you decide' is usually a good policy I don't think forcing yourself to try organic peanut butter is the same as forcing yourself to invest into a poly relationship.
I would never tell anyone to invest into a relationship just to 'try it out'. Either your heart is in it and you care about those involved, or you don't. That's why all these couples have trouble finding a third, and why so many singles remain single. It's not about finding a 'slot A' for your 'notch B'. It's about finding compatible hearts and minds, which is a lot harder to do.

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 2

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:34:18 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

For many people, being part of anything but a monogamous couple does not work. They do not want to be just a slave, they want to be a slave partner. They dont want to be in the position of joining a couple, in which they are a third wheel.
I can fully understand that. Its tantamount to telling someone that they are missing out on a lot in the lifestyle by not serving someone of their same gender. While it might be true they could learn from it, it doesnt and will never appeal to them.
Experienceing something that doesnt appeal to you will not necessarily make you happy, and if you arent happy it will translate as a negative experience. If it is negative, then it will sour you on the experience. Why bother doing something you dont want to, and wont be good at because you arent happy about it just for the experience?

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 3

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:38:55 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lildorei
We all share in a membership, that membership being composed of people who are like minded and people searching for a higher understanding of life within the bdsm community, people who are open and understanding and nonjudgemental of the vast differences we all have.

First i gotta say I have no clue where you got that idea from, i find some people interested in BDSM to be the most judgemental and closed people I have ever met.

In regards to your main point, i personally found opening my mind and experiance can be fantastic and can be damaging, There is no point in doing something simply because its there. Sure I think things should be thought about not simply dismissed however as has been said you cant force yourself to fit a box

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 4

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:46:09 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Hello dorei. Please take this well (I hope) and don;t be put off by posting just because some/many of the responses don't agree with you. Welcome to the forums!

quote:

This is not so much a question, but and observation I wanted to share. There are so many on CM that are so in tune with themselves. They know what they want. They are sure to the very core of their souls they are Master, Mistress, Switch, Slave or Submissive. With so many being so intune with themselves I have to wonder why so many are not making the connects for a successful relationship.

This is a dating site. So the majority will be looking for a parner(s).

quote:

Of course you have a ton of couples seeking a second slave and you have a ton of slaves seeking to be owned, but not as a second slave, thus the problem. I have a message for those slaves not wanting to be a second slave or maybe not a message but some words of advise. I was a second slave with my former master, and while the relationship was not without its trials and tribulations, it was a wonderful and illuminating experience. One I would not trade for anything. I learned alot from the experience and grew from it. Many of you are missing out on a chance for personal growth and a chance to be an active participant in the lifestyle, a chance to live life, by not keeping an open mind.

There is however a big difference between keeping an open mind and personal preference.

quote:

We all share in a membership,

Except those that don't.

quote:

that membership being composed of people who are like minded and people searching for a higher understanding of life within the bdsm community,

Except those that don't.

quote:

people who are open and understanding and nonjudgemental of the vast differences we all have.

Except those that don't. Honestly, people who participate in BDSM have been probably the most judgemental and non tolerant.

quote:

I am just saying, be open to what is possible,to what is different, take a chance and step out of your comfort zone and experience life, it will open up a whole new world to you.

I agree this is a cool notion, not to limit yourself. But if it's a personal preference, I would always urge someone to NEVER SETTLE.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 5

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:55:00 AM

RainydayNE

Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline

i don't think you can fairly say that people who either don't want to be a second slave or don't want a sister slave aren't keeping an open mind.
having an open mind doesn't mean that you throw yourself headlong into ANYTHING. it just means that you think honestly about and consider anything. you come to your own conclusions. but keeping an open mind doesn't mean doing absolutely everything.
some people just aren't poly. period.
some people are just mono.
and people who are poly can't seem to stand for mono people preaching to them, so why do poly people do it themselves?

just my $0.02

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 6

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:58:37 AM

lildorei

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/25/2004
Status: offline

Thank you for the warm welcome and I don't normally take offense to other peoples opinions, to each his own. And as far as the people within the lifestyle being close minded and such, well, I guess I have been blessed by the fact I have not personally encounter any. The local (BDSM) community is a very open and accepting group of individuals.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 7

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 9:38:49 AM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lildorei
This is not so much a question, but and observation I wanted to share. There are so many on CM that are so in tune with themselves. They know what they want. They are sure to the very core of their souls they are Master, Mistress, Switch, Slave or Submissive. With so many being so intune with themselves I have to wonder why so many are not making the connects for a successful relationship. Of course you have a ton of couples seeking a second slave and you have a ton of slaves seeking to be owned, but not as a second slave, thus the problem.

First, welcome to the boards.

Why are so many not making the connects to move into a poly relationship? To use your words, because they know themselves, they are in tune with themselves. They know that poly isn't for them - either through experience (that's me) or through just simply knowing they aren't open to the situation. Just like any other preference - I don't need to experience everything just to rule things out. Some preferences just *are* and you telling them they're missing out isn't going to change minds.

Are there people who hesitate to enter into a poly relationship, unsure of how they really feel? I'm sure there are - I was one. But I'd think this is a minority, at least from the feel I've gotten from reading the boards and knowing that finding a third is a very difficult task indeed. People tend to know whether they are open to it or not.

quote:

I have a message for those slaves not wanting to be a second slave or maybe not a message but some words of advise. I was a second slave with my former master, and while the relationship was not without its trials and tribulations, it was a wonderful and illuminating experience. One I would not trade for anything. I learned alot from the experience and grew from it. Many of you are missing out on a chance for personal growth and a chance to be an active participant in the lifestyle, a chance to live life, by not keeping an open mind.

Again, it's not about keeping an open mind ... it's not about not living life - it's about holding out for what a person really wants in life. If it's not to serve a master as a second slave, so be it. I find it rather incomprehensible that you're saying that a person who knows she doesn't want to be in a poly relationship means that she has a closed mind.

quote:

I am just saying, be open to what is possible,to what is different, take a chance and step out of your comfort zone and experience life, it will open up a whole new world to you.

I'd venture to say that a lot of people who are here on this site have taken steps outside their comfort zone and have experienced a lot of what they want to in life.

The many ups and downs of poly life can be discussed more - for some it's the exact path they desire; for others they know it's not what they want. Those who wish to explore, go for it. But none of those people are close-minded because of their preferences.

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 8

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 11:36:05 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I know many heterosexual women, who are absolutely positive they are heterosexual and interested in meeting a compatible man. Yet they turn down the chance to be some guy's bit on the side. Why would they do that? Why wouldn't they settle for something they know won't fulfill them?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 9

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 11:44:06 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

to be honest, i wouldn't like being the 2nd submissive in an already established D/s relationship. i'm the jealous type ...someone who still hasn't learned how to share. i prefer being the only submissive in the relationship.

Daddy talked about having a sister submissive joining us before however i told Him i didn't like the idea. i enjoy the closeness our little family has ...adding another person will certainly complicate things.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 10

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 1:39:03 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

It is always a good idea to keep and open mind. I know myself and i would not do well in a poly reltionship. I do not share well, i want my Master all to myself. We don't nearly have as much time together as i would like, and if he had to split his attention between myself and another i would get very upset. Neither Master or I is wired poly we like a one on one relationship.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 11

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 6:33:08 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, lildorei----
While I am cringing while saying it (As I went into a relationship knowlingly as a second < notslave > and got screwed, not in the fun way), I agree withmuch of what you said. I wasn't looking for secondary status but I saw enough beauty, value, etc. in the man to give it a whirl and I honestly made an effort to reach out to his wife. Nearly a year. There was a lot of shit. Neither took responsibility for their failure to keep commitments/promises made to me ultimately. Are their things from relating with him that I treasure? I do.
Because a thing goes badly doesn't wipe away the good aspects and I am one of those crazy optimists thatbelieves people can choose to redeem themselves. I'd urge caution as people aren't straight-up more times than not but, heaven help me, I've gotta agree with you that sometimes stepping outside of one's comfort level is a wonderful option; were all able to do that with an open heart and honesty in the circumstance I described, it'd likely have been quite beautiful.
Best wishes,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 12

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 7:00:38 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

It's perfectly A OK to not want to be a second slave, and not all people are cut out to be second slaves nor would they enjoy it, or learn anything from it, other than to confirm they were right to not want to be a second slave in the first place. I for example while not a slave would never be happy in a poly relationship, and I know this because I know myself extreamly well and I know I do not share my Daddy ever. He is mine and mine alone and there is absolutely NO room AT ALL for any one else to be in this relationship. He feels the same way. I'd also never ever seek to be a second because I take up so much time and I'd never be happy coming second. And yes, I've tried the whole poly thing being the second and it was not something I'd ever seek.

Just because something fufilled you and made you happy, does not mean it'll make all over submissives and slaves happy.

Second not every one here is of like mind, There are some extreamly judgmental people here, who'd as soon as run you of of town on the end of a pitchfork than do the kinky stuff you do with you.

Being on a kinky website does not mean every one in this place feels they're a community, or like minded. Or non judgmental. And not every one on here is here for a higher understanding of bdsm. People have their own personal motives and agenda's for being on these sites.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lildorei

I have a message for those slaves not wanting to be a second slave or maybe not a message but some words of advise. I was a second slave with my former master, and while the relationship was not without its trials and tribulations, it was a wonderful and illuminating experience. One I would not trade for anything. I learned alot from the experience and grew from it. Many of you are missing out on a chance for personal growth and a chance to be an active participant in the lifestyle, a chance to live life, by not keeping an open mind. We all share in a membership, that membership being composed of people who are like minded and people searching for a higher understanding of life within the bdsm community, people who are open and understanding and nonjudgemental of the vast differences we all have. I am just saying, be open to what is possible,to what is different, take a chance and step out of your comfort zone and experience life, it will open up a whole new world to you.

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 13

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 7:08:17 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

LOL me too, I'd be like the angry cat that saw dog. I'd hiss and puff up very big with claws very visable, at any one who came near my Daddy, with the intention of coming into our relationship full time as anything more than friends.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i'm the jealous type ...someone who still hasn't learned how to share. i prefer being the only submissive in the relationship.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 11/5/2008 7:10:43 PM >

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 7:30:14 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Personally membership to anything is a turn off for me. The only remote connection that could represent my walk in life is i follow the Goddess. My daughter calls me one of the original hippies, so there might still be a connection there, at least in her mind.

Beauty seen in a relationship is within the eyes of the person, be it poly or mono. You found beauty and that is good. Some people want that and personally they should be able to have it, but others do not. To make a statement of those who don't being limited can only be coming from your heart. It has truth for you, but not for me. I am not a member of any sisterhood of anything else. That is by choice and for me there is beauty in my choice.
Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 15

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 8:01:59 PM

faithbunny

Posts: 99
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Hi, lildorei----
While I am cringing while saying it (As I went into a relationship knowlingly as a second < notslave > and got screwed, not in the fun way), I agree withmuch of what you said. I wasn't looking for secondary status but I saw enough beauty, value, etc. in the man to give it a whirl and I honestly made an effort to reach out to his wife.

Do you think it would have been different had it been a true relationship with both halves of the couple, rather than a relationship with a married man whose wife, it sounds like, was never really on board? That's my hope for my relationship, anyway...

~faith

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 16

RE: second slaves - 11/5/2008 9:55:07 PM

leakylee

Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

i am open to a poly relationship. i actually would prefer it. i also tend to think and feel going in that you should be willing to assume that second position, but just like any other hook-up the match is tricky. not only do you have two personalities to merge, it can be three or better. time effort and patience.

welcome to the boards

smooches
lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 17

RE: second slaves - 11/6/2008 4:37:17 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

I have to go with the majority of the answers here. Not everybody is wired for poly.

And a whole lot of those couples looking for a second slave expect her to be submissive to the first slave. I see this maneuver as a way of making the first slave feel secure in her place. I am poly and i could not do it. A dominant is a dominant and a slave is a slave, why would i want to submit to another's slave?

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 18

RE: second slaves - 11/6/2008 6:42:45 AM

lildorei

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/25/2004
Status: offline

I want to thank everyone for there input and views, lots of food for thought. I do want to clarify one issue. I was in no way condeming those who do not choose to be a second slave or those couples who choose not to have a second slave. An alternative lifestyle, should we not explore possibilites? Mull ideas over in our mind, listen to others experiences to better understand the direction we personally want to take within the lifestyle and to better understand what others are going through? I do apologize, I misunderstood what the boards were for. I thought they were for growth and learning and tossing ideas around, but not for condeming someone with a different view or idea.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 19

RE: second slaves - 11/6/2008 7:07:19 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Faithbunny asked: Do you think it would have been different had it been a true relationship with both halves of the couple, rather than a relationship with a married man whose wife, it sounds like, was never really on board? That's my hope for my relationship, anyway...
~faith

My reply: I wouldn't call it not a true relationship. HIs old profile started with something like "I'm looking for a muse" and went on to describe a meaningful, close D/s relationship he was looking for with another and a close, trusted friendship between other, wife, and him. We tried for a friendship between his wife and I: she never gave me a fair chance and I honestly believe she never thought he'd find someone of quality or with the rapport and compatibility that was the case. Yes, had his wife not totally freaked upon meeting me and actually given me a chance rather than trying to control everything and being consistent about nothing and had he asserted himself as the supposed Dominant as well as stood up for what they'd agreed to and for me, yes, I think it would have been very, very different. The woman took a collar (A collared submissve calling the shots; how's that for logic?!) in immediate proximity to he and I reaching a point of forward movement in our relating, for gods sakes; she should have been green from all of the jealousy and covetousness she oozes. That's why I talked about honesty, redemption, both of them failing to keep commitments/promises to me, etc. Jaded, yes. Without hope, no. That's why I said what I did to the OP and why I can wish you much happiness and success with what you're working toward! :>
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 11/6/2008 7:16:21 AM >

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to lildorei)

Post #: 20

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