-=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=-

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ResidentSadist -> -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 2:55:48 AM)
As far as living alone, it goes against the grain of my human condition. Mankind does have a definable purpose and that is survival/procreation of the species. For mammals, humans, a social system accompanies procreation and survival. In that system of survival, it has extended from self to family, tribe, village, nation etc. Strength in numbers has made us a social creature. Like our ancestors that originally gathered in groups huddled around the fire in a cave or field without individual shelters, we evolved to huts in villages and our modern homes. I understand the psychology of community but I do not like the modern common concept of “home” where the young grow and get kicked out of the nest. I preffer the older concepts of a “house” that have made their way into some BDSM lifestyles. That “house” concept fits nicely into my preferred lifestyle. I not only want my slave(s) in my house, I want my children and extended family there too. I do not want to live or sleep alone. I want to take daily meals and talk with my family. I want to live in a group like thousands of years of evolution has conditioned me for. I could even live with other Dominants and their families in a large estate style home or compound. I don’t mind living alone and have been doing so for several months but, I do not prefer it. Currently I have an active social life but, I would much rather live with my partner(s) and I really miss the daily BDSM rituals. I miss running the family and being an important guiding force to them. It was part of my internal value system as Master. I miss starting the day by having breakfast with my partner(s) and/family as we plan our schedules and tasks. I miss ending the day securing the house and making sure my family is safe, well fed and well loved. I am currently an army of one and Master only of myself and my businesses. I am social by nature and to me, living alone is a bit alien and leaves a BDSM void in my life. My friends and lovers say my home is beautiful, well decorated and immaculate. But, I feel like some of the beautiful humanity is missing from my house being I am currently the only contributing force. I look forward to finding a compatible slave(s) and the day my home becomes a “house” again. I have shared with you my perspective of the human condition and how it relates to my preferences in choosing a BDSM style relationship that incorporates a “house”. I see many of you say you like living alone better. There are also many wonderful BDSM styles of relationships that do not incorporate a “house”. I invite you to open a friendly discourse to express the things you love about the type BDSM relationship you prefer and how you make things work for you. Do you like living alone? Does your primary partner live elsewhere? Do you have slaves/subs that do not live with you? Do you have a “house” and there a specific policy you find effective? Any other comments or questions? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -=“House” Definition=- Like the term “medieval torture”, it conjures a wide variety of different but correct images. The same is true with my use of the term “house”. The common thread between the many images "house" inspires for my use of term is the structured family or group, whether they all live in the same domicile or not. Usually there is a leader (or leaders) of the group who are the Master(s) or Mistress(es) of the “house”. For those new to the term or wish further definitions, you can follow this link I posted about my understanding of and comments on Victorian poly houses.

MissEnchanted -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 3:14:29 AM)
ResidentSadist, This is my dream: 'I could even live with other Dominants and their families in a large estate style home or compound.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mine is near the ocean, with large gardens, a swimming pool, 'green' living, and friends would fly in and stay with their slaves and be served by mine. Toy boxes and stations would be scattered through out. I would have my own house where I could be peaceful and private. (chuckles) There would be a 'drama detecter' at the front gate and anyone who set off the alarm would have to leave and come back when they were a tad more centered. [:D] I have Dom/me friends I have discussed this with and we agree a pile of money wouldn't hurt. ME

ResidentSadist -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 3:36:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissEnchanted ResidentSadist, This is my dream: 'I could even live with other Dominants and their families in a large estate style home or compound.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mine is near the ocean, with large gardens, a swimming pool, 'green' living, and friends would fly in and stay with their slaves and be served by mine. Toy boxes and stations would be scattered through out. I would have my own house where I could be peaceful and private. (chuckles) There would be a 'drama detecter' at the front gate and anyone who set off the alarm would have to leave and come back when they were a tad more centered. [:D] I have Dom/me friends I have discussed this with and we agree a pile of money wouldn't hurt. ME That sounds beautiful. I like the ‘drama detector’, good idea. Among the board of the Sarasota Society there were many of us that were interested in buying some property here in Florida to create a BDSM community. We talked about having gardens to produce our fresh veggies and house brands of hot sauces like “Sweet Submission Sauce”. From the community dungeon and human pony stables to the monthly play party with a BDSM B&B for overnight party guests, it promised to be a very nice project. Unfortunately, under during Bush’s term, 4 out of 6 of us lost millions… some were in real estate. It is no longer financially viable and Château Florida is just a dream that waits for more prosperous days.

DesFIP -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 3:43:41 AM)
In theory he lives here with me. In actuality, due to market conditions, the only steady work he finds remodeling high end homes are in some of the NYC beach communities. So I'm miserable 5 days out of 7, as is he. We have various offspring with us at different times. But I'm happier when he's here, as is he. We like being together. As far as a compound of other families, not me.

pompeii -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 3:46:49 AM)
Oh how I long for the days of ancient Rome where the Master of the villa kept scores of female slaves at his beck and call ...

ResidentSadist -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 3:49:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP In theory he lives here with me. In actuality, due to market conditions, the only steady work he finds remodeling high end homes are in some of the NYC beach communities. So I'm miserable 5 days out of 7, as is he. We have various offspring with us at different times. But I'm happier when he's here, as is he. We like being together. As far as a compound of other families, not me. So he is your primary and spends the week at work. Gives more meaning to TGIF I bet!

Rover -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 3:49:47 AM)
Personally, I prefer to have my girl live with me. Though I don't think of it in external terms such as community, house or home. It's simply the closest living arrangement with someone I want to be as close as possible with. And although I enjoy and socialize with many other Leather folk )some of whom I consider amongst my best friends), I have no desire for communal living. Beyond the obvious legal nightmare (and if it hasn't been obvious, you may want to consider this more closely), having a common interest in BDSM is simply not enough to make someone my "family". Certainly not enough to want to live in such close proximity with them. Heck, as much as I love and enjoy my own biological family, I'd have to seriously consider murder/suicide if we were all to live together as adults. John

sublizzie -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 3:51:17 AM)
I have been living alone for 5 years. It was a good, healing time for me but I'm very much looking forward to moving in with Santa when my lease is up. Since his adult son lives with him, it's pretty much a "house" of sorts. My favorite fantasy is to serve in a "house" situation where I can cook to my heart's content. I think that would be lovely!

MissEnchanted -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 4:01:24 AM)
ResidentSadist, I can certainly sympathize to the loss of funds under Bush. I decided on an area 5 years ago and just found out that 1,200 homes were going in! This area has been pristine forever and my grand plan went poof I hope to spend some time up there before this small town is ruined, like the rest of the west coast. When I was in my twenties I wanted to take an apartment complex I really liked and make it a Poly Haven. That way everyone would have their own space and the huge center courtyard could be used for all kinds of things vanilla and bdsm. Now I prefer the 'complex by the ocean' dream. Personally I wouldn't want a bunch of screaming kids in my Dream. I relish my peace and quiet.

ResidentSadist -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 4:23:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover ........And although I enjoy and socialize with many other Leather folk )some of whom I consider amongst my best friends), I have no desire for communal living. Beyond the obvious legal nightmare (and if it hasn't been obvious, you may want to consider this more closely), having a common interest in BDSM is simply not enough to make someone my "family". Certainly not enough to want to live in such close proximity with them. ...... The 6 of us were pretty tight group of friends and we didn’t plan to expand our base or make it a business. 2 of them had worked at my company before moving on to better things. I also helped build one of the other guy’s companies. We were a close group of like-minded friends sharing resources, 4 Master’s and 2 Mistresses. Socially we were already as close as could be and often spent weekends visiting each other’s homes. Living closer together just seemed like the next step in our social bonding. However, another good friend of ours whom we discussed the idea with was adamantly against joining a BDSM community no matter how much he liked us. He also mirrored your valid concerns and jokingly coughed “Waco” whenever we teased him about joining the project. Thank you for your valid concern and yes, the legal aspects are a bit sticky. It is not so much the laws on the books as it is the political backlash and how hard they might be stretch those laws to close us down. Florida has a lot of good case law on the books as there are many alt lifestyle nudist colonies here already that have paved the way. We expected that being a small closed group it should not inspire too much concern or backlash. But as another good friend has reminded me, they probably felt that way in Waco too.

rabinyaZharovna -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 5:09:52 AM)
Dreamy lil sigh.... I have often thought that a community (I find that a more appealing term than compound, because, well, yeah, compound makes me think... omg! Waco... eek!) would be a great thing. A place where you could just simply be. My Master is like you RS in that he does enjoy being the leader of a group... a family. Between the two of us we have 5 kids, and I think being that driving force behind us all fills something in him. I think it's why he becomes the leader in everything that he does... work, kids baseball, whatever it is, he takes that position on without even thinking about it. that is our family, Currently that is ou8r family; Him, me, and kids which is more than enough to make for a full house. [;)] Really full!! I can see though how years from now that may change. I can see the appeal to him of having another slave later, I recognize the pull in him to be leading a large family... always. Not saying that will happen, but I recognize it may. My inclination is more towards a large grouping.. a community would be lovely where you didn't have to worry about hiding those fresh cane marks, where you could go outside and chat with the neighbor about both the latest in politics AND the tenderness of your ass[;)]. I can see also the comfort of a large household where, as you said, you aren't the only Dom with your slaves, but rather one subset of a whole family. I find both of those more appealing than a strictly poly scenario because well, I just like being the only one curled up in him at the end of the day[:D]. However, I am the slave, He is the Master and what I may or may not prefer, while recognized isn't necesarily important.... as long as he keeps me it's all good in my book! rz{Ph0enixF1re} Edited to add that when I speak of these ideas I do mean in the future, waaaay in the future, when it's just Him and I... the kids having flown the coup... that does happen, eventually, right?! I mean you really do manage to get them all out and to stay out... eventually...right?!

Rover -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 5:14:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist Thank you for your valid concern and yes, the legal aspects are a bit sticky. It is not so much the laws on the books as it is the political backlash and how hard they might be stretch those laws to close us down. Florida has a lot of good case law on the books as there are many alt lifestyle nudist colonies here already that have paved the way. We expected that being a small closed group it should not inspire too much concern or backlash. But as another good friend has reminded me, they probably felt that way in Waco too. And the lesson from Waco that is often overlooked is that government will take a greater interest in anything that might involve children. Same thing is true in more recent cases. I'm not sure of the marital status of the folks involved, but it would require a covenant that prohibits children on the property at all if you intend to allow public scening. Their presence alone becomes a nightmare, as children will invariably share interesting tales with their friends, their parents, teachers, etc. And what about owners who have children or grandchildren and do not want restrictions on their behavior? What about resale value? There's a very small pool of potential buyers who would be interested in buying into a group like this. Are residents willing to wait years to find the right buyer? Are residents willing to purchase the property of someone who wishes to move? Believe me, I'm not saying this isn't a feasible or reasonable living arrangement. Just that it presents a series of unique challenges. Though I sense that you are already aware of that. John

LadyPact -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 5:42:52 AM)
quote: Original: ResidentSadist Do you like living alone? Does your primary partner live elsewhere? Do you have slaves/subs that do not live with you? Do you have a “house” and there a specific policy you find effective? Any other comments or questions? I currently do live alone except for the male um. My primary partner is My husband who doesn't exactly live here just now. He's stationed in Korea and has been since May. He'll be home from mid December to mid January on leave before going back to finish his tour. My collared submissive went back to NV at the end of June, but was just recently here for about ten days in October. I consider My extended family to be lifestyle and leather folk throughout the area. When the military isn't dragging different members back and forth in duty, yes, we do have a house. This is a poly family and people were calling us the "Pact Family" before clip was even collared. It comes complete with House Rules and each member knows there place in it. The policies were pretty much established between My husband and I, however rituals and protocols for clip were put in place by Me. I'd be hard pressed to say what has been most effective because many of the rules and policies compliment each other. If I had to venture to say, it would be that each member of the house is expected to respect the various relationships within the family, as well as the family as a whole. When everyone is in the same location, the family as a unit makes sure to spend time together. With three different schedules, that proved to be a challenge at times, but it only showed our dedication to doing so. If I were to further comment, I would have to say that I certainly see us becoming more than a family based on three. I had spent quite a good deal of time thinking of what expansions might be possible over the last while, and I do know how I'd like it to be shaped. I've got a vision for it now that tends to make Me smile. Of course, it will take some time. I'd like us to all be in the same country first.

Padriag -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 5:57:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist Do you like living alone? I'm comfortable with it, but it isn't what I prefer. I would much rather have a "family" living with me. I did not buy a four bedroom house with the intention of living in it alone. Like you, I'm presently "married" to my businesses which demand much of my time... I'm averaging 12 hour days. However, I don't intend that to last and it is something I've committed to with the long term goal of having far more free time as well as financial freedom. quote: Does your primary partner live elsewhere? Right now I don't have a partner, but in the past when I have had slaves or partners, I have preferred them to live with me. That is still true now. It also remains part of my long term goals. quote: Do you have slaves/subs that do not live with you? No, nor would I want too. quote: Do you have a “house” and there a specific policy you find effective? I've found that organization and structure have been key to success. Keep the "family" busy, assign tasks, make sure everyone has something to do... some way to contribute. Whenever I have been lax in that area, trouble followed. I've also found that I need to make sure I have time to devote to managing it myself... which I cannot do if I'm working 10-12 hour days or 6-7 day weeks. There needs to be clearly defined dynamic... people need to know their place and purpose, especially in relation to each other (who fits where on the "pecking order"). There needs to be some form of rewards, but also an effort made to establish internalized rewards. By internalized, I mean working with individuals so that they "feel good" about doing their "duties"... and that applies equally to both submissives and other dominants in the house. You can't be there to praise everyone all the time for doing things, but you can work to associate doing their "duties" with a sense of pride that becomes an internal reward, which in turn motivates the continued behavior. quote: Any other comments or questions? Like you, I have at times considered creating a sort of "private estate" where multiple families could take up residence. I've even at times considered creating some sort of modern "feudal fief". I'm just not sure where I would attempt that, or if I would even attempt it within the US.

DesFIP -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 6:00:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist So he is your primary and spends the week at work. Gives more meaning to TGIF I bet! Actually no. Lately it means we spend two days running around like mad getting errands done. I like the people at the stone place we deal with, but not enough to spend his only afternoon with them. However come Mid December, most work ends for a couple of months until the ferries start up again in early spring.

monywildcat -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 6:29:14 AM)
I have figured out that I do not like living alone. I am presently doing so, yeah I have my little ones here but that is not the same as having Daddy living here with me on a full-time basis. Hopefully, these circumstances will change in the future, but for now he lives "over there" (what we call his house) and I live here "at home" (what we call my house). Me and my girlfriends have tossed the idea about for quite some time now, about having our own "moms and kids" compound. Big common area for playground equipment and entertainment, our own little domiciles for us and our little ones. Being that I am the only kinky one in our little group, I would have to keep my perversions private. Not a problem. Rover brings up a good point about how the little ones share some mighty interesting tales to their friends and teachers. My best friend's little one refers to me not as Auntie, but as stepmom. [:D] This tickles me silly, since me and the best friend have always been just best friends and nothing further. I am also the only bisexual gal in our little group. Yeah, I know, I am quite the oddball. But even in our conservative little neck of the woods, the whole momma reference when we are out and about or when she is in school gets little more than a raised eyebrow. Now, I don't have a "house" as outlined by Resident Sadist, however I do have a "house" in that we have to employ rules, everyone here has their own jobs and a definite pecking order in order to keep the house in good running order. And while I am the "submissive" one in our dynamic, due to me maintaining my household on my own (for now, oh please just for now!) I get to call the shots and come down like the hand of Mom when things are not on track. Once we are co-habitating, this may or may not change. We shall see when that adventure is upon us!

leadership527 -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 6:29:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist I could even live with other Dominants and their families in a large estate style home or compound. Wow, how odd. Here I was prepared to shun this post as something not relevant to me (always having been extremely private in my home life), when it occurred to me that I am doing exactly this as we speak... picking up stakes and moving together with two other families to form some sort of hippy, free range kajira, BDSM compoundy thing laughs. Damn I must be mellowing as I get older. ~Jeff

Mercnbeth -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 6:39:23 AM)
~ Fast Reply ~ RS, I think anytime more than 2 Dominants get together and chat the idea of opening an idyllic 'Retreat' comes up. While in NYC, ours was planned for one of the many abandoned Catskill resorts. If you've done any research in the matter, you know the biggest problem isn't the money - its the neighbors, even when they are miles away. Anytime you invest enough to make it nice you don't want to risk losing it to ongoing local litigation initiated by the local community, where even if you 'win' you lose. quote: Do you like living alone? Does your primary partner live elsewhere? Do you have slaves/subs that do not live with you? Do you have a “house” and there a specific policy you find effective? Any other comments or questions? It's no disclosure that I live with my slave. When I lived alone I enjoyed life. I am an only child, which I think helps. I never thought I'd meet someone who wouldn't require me to compromise on how I wanted to live. Right or wrong, I had a definition of 'slave' in mind and after 44 years, more than half of them active and involved in the 'lifestyle', I was sure that person didn't exist. So I just set out to have fun and enjoy life and see what happened. Fate would result in beth 'happening'. Another example of that you find what you are looking for, as soon as you stop looking. beth is the cause and the reason I have all that I have. I was content, 'happy', and doing fine living in my one bedroom apartment. When I wanted to play I would go to one of the many clubs in LA. In LA you can go to something 'lifestyle' just about every night, let alone every weekend. But once I moved beth in with me I wanted something more, the house where we could be 'us' privately and where our 'play' wouldn't disturb the neighbors. As a result we now have our house. I've never lived better or enjoyed life more. We live in a place almost exactly as described by Miss Enchanted; big, private, playroom/dungeon, airy & open, quiet, overlooking the Pacific. The place serves us well. We do have a policy of no drama and the idea of having a sign by the gate saying a big sign with a 'DRAMA' written inside a red circle with a line drawn through it is an idea we may steal. There are too many inside the door 'policies'; we refer to them as rules or rituals. The most important policy is that the house is open to all our friends. We have parties, some big - some between another couple or two, as often as possible. We're having one tomorrow. We love sharing what we have and enjoy the company of others who have similar interests.

LaTigresse -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 6:57:14 AM)
I am the oldest of 6 kids. I got married and pregnant at age 16. I have never had a residence all to myself for longer than a year. I still share a house with one person I've known for 2 decades. Yet, to share a residence (or close compound) with other dominant persons has zero appeal to me. It is a stressful adjustment to move just one slave in. I am weird in that I enjoy being alone, ALOT. I hate alot of noise and chaos. Where I live there is very little of either. I guard my home and privacy zealously. I love having company and loved ones visit. But I do not want to live with an extended group. It just would not suite my personality at all.

Barelily -> RE: -=Home vs “house”, living alone, BDSM void?=- (11/7/2008 7:56:21 AM)
quote: Do you like living alone? I have a vanilla house mate, I say house mate instead of roommate because we share a house not a room. If I compare it with the D/s M/s lifestyle I once lived, I'd have to say yes I live alone and no I don't like it. quote: Does your primary partner live elsewhere? No partner. quote: Do you have slaves/subs that do not live with you? No not a Dom quote: Do you have a “house” and there a specific policy you find effective? No, but I have a very close friend who did and she very often vented her frustrations to me. Slave aspect that is. quote: Any other comments or questions? The first thing I'd like to address is another posters idea of a "pecking order" among the slaves. When you setup a pecking order with females thats what you end up with, alot of pecking. Women in general operate best as a whole, as one unit who help and guide each other. No offense to any women out there but lets face it, we can be manipulative, cunning and down right mean. My friend that I mentioned before expressed this very concern to her Master (who was the one that implemented everything) he brought it to the other Masters and it was quickly dismissed, yes the problems that occurred among the slaves did, in the end bring down the house. And sadly I watched a 15 year M/s relationship slowly go down the tubes. So the first thing that would need to be in place is Masters/Mistresses who understand the female (not slave) mind. It would be most important that each slave have their own niche, something only they do and are in charge of. And just because someone will inevitably say "the Masters/Mistresses are in charge"..Yes I realize this. The leadership should also consist of people who are like minded, in that their overall vision is the same but each one should have some difference of opinions and ideas to bring to the table. For instance have each one represent a different aspect of the D/s M/s BDSM lifestyle (if possible), from the hard line strict Master/Mistress to the Daddy Dom. If the leadership all agree on everything, what you have is a cult. Whether or not this would be something I could do, would depend completely on the dynamics of the Masters/Mistresses and the house rules they had setup. (Maybe you could provide an example of these). Large amounts of cattiness, drama, forming of alliances, hissy fits, jealousy or gossiping among the slaves, would cause me to melt into the background and eventually cause me to leave. Disclaimer: This post was made in response to the post made by ResidentSadist and is based on my opinion and experiences only.

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