HisNani
Posts: 54
Joined: 11/3/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
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Dear Mowing Service,
I wish to profusely thank you for being so committed as to come and mow the tiny splotch of land that is my grandmother's townhouse yard at 8am on Saturday mornings. It's a beautiful symphony, and knowing that you will be outside at 8am with the mowers and the industrial weed whackers is comforting. It's wonderful to know that when I finally wake up at my intended hour of noon that Saturday, that the grass will be so short I can clearly see the dog feces from my next door neighbor's Pomeranian, and those from dogs that are clearly bigger than the Pomeranian, as their feces are the size of my overweight dachshund. I love your dedication and look forward to every other Saturday, waking up to your mechanized musical performance and knowing that since you'll be keeping me awake for a whole hour, I'll have to walk the dog and be forced to get up at an earlier time. Who needs to sleep in on Saturday anyway, right?
Dear My Grandmother's Brain,
I have quite enjoyed this vacation you are taking, with short stops back home in my Grandmother's head. I greatly enjoy the nimrod you left in your place, who can't find the memories for who her family is, and who gives her memories of people at the ages they are not. I thank you for causing her to worry and be agitated all of last night, looking for my father and his scout friends and waiting for them to come home. Never mind that my father is not 15, but 53, and that he hasn't been a scout in 38 years. Never mind that my grandmother didn't believe me when I told her this.
I also thank you for the hours of entertainment from the mixed and made up memories that your replacement seems to have provided. I have to say, he's quite creative to make my grandmother believe she was in Alaska last summer, and that her cruise ship had to pull over to the side of the ocean to let Sarah Palin and her ship of children pass them by. I also thank you for her multiplied thoughts, so that she believes we have many dogs, many cats, and that this is a boarding house with many many women living in it, instead of just one dog, one cat, and three women.
I am so grateful for your replacement's ability to point out why I should not watch TV ever again. I didn't realize that the newsman's hair was so very grey! Or that the newswoman's boobs were so large that if she sat up quickly, she might break her nose. I didn't notice that Alex Trebeck had gotten so old, or that the people on Wheel of Fortune get excited over nothing. I've learned so much! Like anyone with a foreign accent is evil and hates the United States...and that anyone on the food network is a complete screwball. I didn't realize that dog training shows were simply reminders of how incapable people are of having dogs, and that if they cannot train it, they should not have one. And I had forgotten that any TV series is too overdramatic and complex for anyone to keep track of and understand...and that nature shows are always so needlessly violent.
I also thank you for the wonderful aroma's my grandmother provides because you've managed to turn off her nose completely. It greatly adds to the pungent smells already provided by her dog. Synchronicity!
And thank you so much for making her variable speeds; very slow when walking anywhere, and oh so fast when the phone rings and she isn't supposed to answer. Thank you for making her a vampire, and giving her the obsessions of bundling up the dog indoors, and closing all blinds- privacy is important, right? We save so much electricity by having only one table lamp on in the house at any given hour!
And finally, thank you so much for your replacement's ability to make my grandmother's stomach growl and have her seek out crackers or cookies...and then refuse to eat anything of substance, because she is simply "not hungry". Also, her arm has gotten quite good at shoving cookies and crackers into the fat dog's mouth. Kudos.
I love your replacement, so, please, vacation as long as you like!
Dear Sister,
I can't imagine what I would do without you. You show me on a daily basis how much I've left undone around the house. It's so important to play with the dog and keep him active, so I should have fit in a half an hour of that at least in between doing laundry, the dishes, and trying to keep Grandma out of the kitchen. I should learn to manage my time better, and to babysit the dog all the time so he doesn't eat the cat litter and track it across your room floor. Oh, and I was so wrong when I said he had the mental capacity to protest having to share his attention with his beloved friend the cat. He only goes through trash cans and recycle bins for food, because when none of us are home, he feels he will starve to death. I bow down to your every plan to keep the dog from the trash bins and recycle bins. And I certainly agree that our 5 pound kitten might possibly be the one pushing over a 15 pound trash can and ripping apart styrofoam and paper bags inside. I can't believe I ever thought differently.
You've shown me that there is so much I do wrong around the house, and I know your ways of doing things are always right, so I should follow your lead. I know you need your sleep, so I know to let you sleep all day and then rush off to work at night, and to apologize for letting you sleep through your daily classes, or for being on the phone the previous night until 2am and forcing you to listen to that very faint buzz that is human speech through our shared wall. I thank you for demonstrating how I should run our household when you're so busy and can't possibly find the time to be home, or walk the dog before you go lay in bed and watch law and order or ncis. Thank you for reminding me that I'm a do-nothing freeloader, and that my life is inconsequential compared to yours. I'm sorry I forgot that your therapy completely cured you of your controlling and manipulative bitchy tendencies, and that I am the broken one who is mentally unstable and incurable unless I seek a therapist like you did. I want to be perfect and always right, just like you are. I apologize, also, for not always heeding your boyfriend's words. Every boyfriend should be unemployed, questionably legal, and living with his mother and siblings in a tiny, run down DC rowhouse. Every boyfriend should date his girl over 5 years and never propose to her. Every boyfriend should stop sending flowers after the first two years, and always have an excuse so you and he never have to watch a movie or waste time doing leisurely activities, when you could be running his errands, and getting him the cat food that he needs for his 8 cats. Every boyfriend should always be right, and should always be a god among men, just like yours. He's so brilliant and perfect!
Thank you for being the one to rush into our parents' house and directly accuse our little brother of smoking pot, though you had no evidence. It should be known that you're psychic and know he's doing drugs when he disappears for "walks" in the dark at night. Thank you for diagnosing him for us, and telling us exactly what's wrong with him. I'm sure you could just walk right through college and get your doctorate, right? Thank you dearly for alienating him farther from us, and lumping you and me into the same Sister category that believes he is a piece of sh*t child and a spoiled brat who only wants what he wants. And here I thought he had a serious mental instability like those that run in our family! Psha! How crazy was it for me to think that??
I'm sorry I forget that I'm always wrong, and that if I'm thinking it, it isn't going to work unless we do it your way. I'm so sorry I tied up the dog to my disgustingly heavy desk in my room in an attempt to make him stop eating cat litter because I wouldn't put him on my bed. It was so wrong of me, and so cruel. Every time he goes to the door I should reprimand him. Of course! I should do that all night, so that he knows I'm serious. Tut Tut, I should have known. I don't need sleep anyway, right? You get some sleep, I'll walk him twice a night so he can alleviate his upset stomach and bark at moving trees. And so you can rest from school and work, and the errands you run for your boyfriend- all of which must me so much more stressful than my life!- I'll collect and take out the trash twice a week, and collect, sort and take out the recycling as well. I'll mop the kitchen floor, and dose Grandma's pills. I'll do everything around here, exactly to your liking, so that you don't get so stressed out! I can't let that happen! It doesn't matter if I have a nervous breakdown, right? I'm broken anyway! And who cares if I don't get to leave the house for more than two hours in three months? I don't!
So, I thank you, wonderful sister of mine, for treating me like the dirt you treated me when we were children, and for being the wonderfully needed bitch of a controlling older sister that you continue to be. Five years really does make a competency difference, doesn't it? I can only dream of achieving your perfection in every way.
Dear Fat Man Who Wears The Same Clothes Every Day And Owns A Yorkie Named Lester,
Stop letting your stupid dog bark up trees for hours while you stand there and laugh or I will squish this hairy rat you call a pet.
Thank you! =)
Nani
_____________________________
"Knowing is not enough;we must apply. Willing is not enough;we must do."-Johann WolfgangvonGoethe
"A successful man builds a firm foundation of the bricks that other people throw at him."
"That's very Zen of you, you must smoke pot."-George,DLM
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RE: -=VENT-A-THON (The F U thread)=- - 
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