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RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 12:26:31 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		I was stalked by someone I met online - but not really via online. That would be easy to avoid. Anywho, it was absolutely horrible - he blackmailed me with the knowledge of my kinky side and how I so don't want anyone to know about it - and he had my parents info, and he kept threatening to tell him how I am or be his. Grr. Anyway, ummmm.. that isn't keeping me from fantasizing about be stalked by someone I like better.. darnit.... :P

(in reply to WidowSpiders)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 1:14:24 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I'm sorry but I didn't read all that much advice about how to deal with online stalking and harrassment. It was more a domme dictating to others how they should use this website and their accounts.

I run an SLGBT support group in West London and one of the issues we have to deal with constantly is stalking, harrassment and death threats. These are complex but very serious issues which require sensitivity, understanding and an effective strategy. Nor is it something you can really prevent. You don't know you have a problem until one appears.

In such an event my advice would be as follows:

1. Inform the offender or stalker that they are harrassing you, that you wish no further contact, and that if they do make further contact you are going to take action.
2. Save all correspondence, messages, e-mails, IM chats and text messages you have from said person.
3. Make a note of the dates and times when you have been contacted.
4. Inform the owner of the website and the police upon further contact being made.
5. Get support from other people. If you are being stalked and harrassed here online contact someone here.
6. Do not engage with, provoke or try to deal with the offender yourself. Do not negotiate. Do not reason with that person. Don't take the law into your own hands. Do not give this person any reason whatsoever for contacting you.

However I also feel that what LaTigresse and Cali have written are also excellent points to bear in mind.


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(in reply to WidowSpiders)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 2:06:57 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I asked why would anyone be expected to follow examples of safety, when the person advising does not uphold their own advise.  If I was remotely like you, I might suggest you learn to read as well.  However, I do not play games of immaturity.
 
the.dark.

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 2:27:58 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

I suppose all that might work... but personally if I was going through all the effort of searching for profiles for every message I got, I'd just get a new handle and privately e-mail my friends to let them know about the change. That or stop coming to the site for a few months till they gave up.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 11/11/2008 2:28:18 AM >

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(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 3:15:32 AM   
LadyBanshee


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:


I asked why would anyone be expected to follow examples of safety, when the person advising does not uphold their own advise. If I was remotely like you, I might suggest you learn to read as well. However, I do not play games of immaturity.

the.dark.


Read again, oh wise one. She said she was not following most of her own suggestions because once the stalking situation ended she no longer felt a need to use them. I'm not sure how you interpreted that statement, but I think it rather clear.

No one is being ordered to do any of this, at least not the way I read it. If the suggestions don't appeal, here's a novel idea, don't do them!

Put your egos in check people. I sure as heck don't do most of this stuff, but I didn't choose to interpret this post as being directive or condescending.

There are two ways to interpret unsolicited advice:
1. Take it with a grain of sand, use a little empathy, and glean what useful information you can find, or
2. Assume that it's suggesting you are ignorant and throw a paranoid fit to salve your fragile ego.

Which road is it going to be, people?



(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 3:54:42 AM   
LadyHeather666


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/21/2008
Status: offline 		This is all very sad. A person took the time to jot a few suggestions down to share with this community and quite a few of you reacted with hostility. I highly doubt the author sat down snickering and haughty, thinking of coy little ways to indirectly insult us all.

Is there a justifiable reason that the responses were negative instead of helpful?

At what point could those of you hostile respondents not have replied with:

"While I appreciate the good intention of this post, I must agree to disagree. I found that xyz worked much better. Have you considered them?"

Where has civility gone?

Ours is a very stigmatized and feared group. We should be working on building each other up, not tearing each other down.

So, OP, I hope you will not mind if I try to restart your post again. Though it is impossible to please everyone, your post could have been written in a more open and collaborative manner.

Online stalking is an unfortunate experience for many people on the internet and here on Collarme. For those reading this post, what are your experiences? How did the situation finally end? What recommendations and advice could you share with us all?



(in reply to LadyBanshee)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 4:16:54 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for those tips, WSs, as well as for the effort and time it took to post them.  Some I'd not thought of to date.

Just one thing: it is good as a general policy to be careful about giving out your email address because in some cases they can pin you down to your exact address.  That's not usually the case in the UK and elsewhere, though.  Here, most IP addresses are dynamic.  The nearest a searcher could get to locating you geographically is within ten miles or so.  Unless, of course, the person searching happens to be a member of the security forces, police, etc, etc.  These can simply go to your ISP and demand your postal address.


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(in reply to WidowSpiders)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 7:42:52 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

This is all very sad. A person took the time to jot a few suggestions down to share with this community and quite a few of you reacted with hostility. I highly doubt the author sat down snickering and haughty, thinking of coy little ways to indirectly insult us all.



Agreed this is sad, but are we really talking about hostility or being critical? While I have no doubt that the OP had good intentions unfortunately it isn't a given that when you start a thread on a new topic everyone posting to that thread is going to agree with you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

Is there a justifiable reason that the responses were negative instead of helpful?



Moot point would be to say the tone was dictatorial, but it was certainly one of 'what you should do'. Nobody here needs telling what they 'should' do, far better when giving unsolicited advice is to use the verb 'could'. Another thing is online harrassment and stalking is a very serious and complex issue which can have very serious consequences and contrary to what the OP may believe it isn't usually something you can prevent. The word scaremongering is perhaps too strong, but there was a negative tone in the OP which some people might have picked up on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

At what point could those of you hostile respondents not have replied with:

"While I appreciate the good intention of this post, I must agree to disagree. I found that xyz worked much better. Have you considered them?"



Don't you think that 'hostile' here is a little too strong? Thank you for the suggestion in what to think and post but I'm quite happy with my previous posting on this thread.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

Where has civility gone?



As an example, would you care to go back to my posting and point out where I was being less than civil? Part of civility is allowing people to express themselves freely. I just thought I might point that out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

Ours is a very stigmatized and feared group. We should be working on building each other up, not tearing each other down.



I agree with the first statement though I don't quite understand the reason for partisanship, another common problem on these boards, and the need to take sides in a matter so trivial as whether posters on a thread agree with the OP or not. Discussion of an issue does involve disagreement and it is this disagreement which promotes learning and perhaps a better understanding of a given issue. However the mind needs to be open.

But coming back to the first point this is a public message board and it cannot be ruled out that someone, either now or in the future could be looking for this thread experiencing harrassment or problems due to stalking, the threat they face could be very real and they could be in a position of grave danger. Consider that many of the preventative measures given in the OP may not apply or the situation might have progressed further than that.

Let's not forget we are dealing with an issue where every year thousands of women are beaten, maimed, raped and even killed not to mention those, who along with members of the LGBT community might be living in fear. In most cases especially when it comes to women the abuser gave no outward signs that he was or could be abusive. So tell me, how does the advice given in the OP deal with that situation?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

So, OP, I hope you will not mind if I try to restart your post again. Though it is impossible to please everyone, your post could have been written in a more open and collaborative manner.



Please feel free. You probably won't please everybody but surely agreeing to disagree and to learn from such agreements is part and parcel of what taking part in these messageboards is all about.

But to continue with the thread....

Online stalking is an unfortunate experience for many people on the internet and here on Collarme. For those reading this post, what are your experiences? How did the situation finally end? What recommendations and advice could you share with us all?






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(in reply to LadyHeather666)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 8:41:34 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBanshee

quote:


I asked why would anyone be expected to follow examples of safety, when the person advising does not uphold their own advise. If I was remotely like you, I might suggest you learn to read as well. However, I do not play games of immaturity.

the.dark.


Read again, oh wise one. She said she was not following most of her own suggestions because once the stalking situation ended she no longer felt a need to use them. I'm not sure how you interpreted that statement, but I think it rather clear.

No one is being ordered to do any of this, at least not the way I read it. If the suggestions don't appeal, here's a novel idea, don't do them!

Put your egos in check people. I sure as heck don't do most of this stuff, but I didn't choose to interpret this post as being directive or condescending.

There are two ways to interpret unsolicited advice:
1. Take it with a grain of sand, use a little empathy, and glean what useful information you can find, or
2. Assume that it's suggesting you are ignorant and throw a paranoid fit to salve your fragile ego.

Which road is it going to be, people?



I am not entirely sure why attempting constructive critique offends and upsets you so much?   It's cool to remember that not everyone is the same.  People write on forums and need to comprehend that questions will be asked about their postings, not get offended by otehrs respnses.  I don't see the post as bad, a little bolting the door when the horse has already bolted kinda thing, but it's pretty basic stuff.
If free speech offends you, get a little tougher and let it wash over you.  Not everyone has empathy, which is not a bad thing - writing doesn't have vocal inflections or hand and facial gestures.  Don't take things on a personal level and you can work out posting and forums just fine.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 11/11/2008 8:42:03 AM >

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(in reply to LadyBanshee)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 11:27:14 AM   
ModeratorEleven


Posts: 2007
Joined: 8/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

This is all very sad.

What's very sad is that the thread starter had to use three of their other identities to reply in support of their original post. 

XI


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This mod goes to eleven.

(in reply to LadyHeather666)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 11:32:04 AM   
zakkan


Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline 		That really is quite sad....

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Silence! I keel you!

(in reply to ModeratorEleven)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 11:47:01 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ModeratorEleven
What's very sad is that the thread starter had to use three of their other identities to reply in support of their original post. 

XI


I think what's even more sad is that this little ploy was obvious to those even without all-knowing mod powers.  Writing style, dramatic first post saying how mean we all are...

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to ModeratorEleven)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 11:47:49 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Tap.Tap.
Tap tap tap tap.


That still holds as my all time favorite thread.



link please?? pretty please?? i need a good laugh today...pleasepleasepleaseplease?

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And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

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(in reply to camille65)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 11:49:42 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBanshee

quote:


I asked why would anyone be expected to follow examples of safety, when the person advising does not uphold their own advise. If I was remotely like you, I might suggest you learn to read as well. However, I do not play games of immaturity.

the.dark.


Read again, oh wise one. She said she was not following most of her own suggestions because once the stalking situation ended she no longer felt a need to use them. I'm not sure how you interpreted that statement, but I think it rather clear.

No one is being ordered to do any of this, at least not the way I read it. If the suggestions don't appeal, here's a novel idea, don't do them!

Put your egos in check people. I sure as heck don't do most of this stuff, but I didn't choose to interpret this post as being directive or condescending.

There are two ways to interpret unsolicited advice:
1. Take it with a grain of sand, use a little empathy, and glean what useful information you can find, or
2. Assume that it's suggesting you are ignorant and throw a paranoid fit to salve your fragile ego.

Which road is it going to be, people?





The saying is...take it with a grain of "salt".

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to LadyBanshee)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 11:49:49 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I think this is the one:  http://www.collarchat.com/m_790885/mpage_1/tm.htm 


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 12:45:30 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Oh Cali, that has to have been the best thread we have ever had. Hands down. I remember watching that drama unfold and laughing until my cheeks and stomach hurt. It was great.

Awwww, I just had a Troll moment. I wonder where that rascally pirate disappeared to...


< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/11/2008 12:49:25 PM >

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 1:06:00 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ModeratorEleven

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

This is all very sad.

What's very sad is that the thread starter had to use three of their other identities to reply in support of their original post. 

XI



know how this feels?

have you ever been rudely cut off while driving, then flipped off like it was your fault? Then you see that the cops have pulled him over...

Thats how this feels...


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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 1:11:41 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ModeratorEleven

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeather666

This is all very sad.

What's very sad is that the thread starter had to use three of their other identities to reply in support of their original post. 

XI




burn.

Thats gotta be blush inducing

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 1:23:48 PM   
donnaamarie


Posts: 335
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline 		Cali,
thank you for the link. I just had the best time reading that, I'm laughing like crazy.  Now I can go to work with a smile on my face.  Of course I could only tolerate 13 pages of 33, but it was well worth it. 

donn

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(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Online Stalking and Harassment - 11/11/2008 1:25:06 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Tap tap tap...

I remember it unfolding as well.  Not too far into it before I completely lost my "work face".  Sigh.  What a trip down memory lane.

Edited to say... my memory must suck (and not in that good slutty way...), I just looked at the dates, and it looks like I came on board partway thru, during one of its many resurrections. 

Cali

< Message edited by CalifChick -- 11/11/2008 1:27:32 PM >

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 60
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