The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted

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The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 5:03:39 AM

candystripper

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I feel as if I’m shouting down a well, but here goes.

This is a ‘net web site. Kinksters are NOT by virtue of the fact that they are ‘into D/s’ somehow safer for folks to meet and get all nakkie with. I see so many posts about men meeting women they know not at all, sometimes inviting such a woman to come live in their homes. I see some folks give a new member a rash about any hesitancy she might have to ‘get out and meet people in real life’ – but a play party in someone’s home, whom you do not know, is NOT a safe thing to do.

I really love the genre ‘True Crime’. Ann Rule is my favorite author in the genre, so I have been aware of the dangerous place we live in for some time.

You cannot assume anyone is safe. Once you check your common sense at the door, you offer yourself up like a lamb to the slaughter.

Here are some stories to ponder.

The Slavemaster Who Was a Serial Killer

The Serial Killer Who Hunted on the Internet

Dana Sue Gray

Female Serial Killers Who Select Male Victims

If you don’t already know someone, *pause and reflect* before you act. No one is ‘presumatively’ safe. Gheesh, don’t you guys ever go to the movies? Has no one seen ‘Looking for Mr. Goodbar’? Or 'Fatal Attraction'?

candystripper

Post #: 1

RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 9:11:33 AM

missturbation

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I personally see a pretty mixed bag of advice when it come's to meeting people. I don't see everyone shouting go out there and just meet pople, fuck the consequences.
Most people who advocate getting out there and meeting others also put a disclaimer on syting that their way is not necessarily the right way.
Recently i had a pretty bad experience and i posted about it. However i would still go out and meet people, just maybe set up better precautions.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 9:15:17 AM

OttersSwim

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Candy, while I agree with you that we should not check our smarts and common sense at the door when dealing with new people and situations, I am wondering what caused this sudden "shouting down a well"? Hoping all is well with you.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 9:27:11 AM

antipode

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quote:

play party in someone’s home, whom you do not know, is NOT a safe thing to do

Duh. For as long as you can walk out, that would be safe. Taking your argument to its extremes, one should never meet new people, and hang out with them. For the young 'uns, this is how they learn, for the older folk, this may provide an acceptable level of excitement. Yes, there are risks, but then you get on an airplane with 300 other people, and if one of them is going to blow it up, you picked the wrong crowd.

What brought this on? I see, over the years, that the vast majority of folks at these sites are quite cautious, and mitigate their risk.

(in reply to candystripper)

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 9:48:38 AM

MadRabbit

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While certainly it's not a good idea to advocate unrestrained and untempered interaction with Internet people, I don't think listing worst case scenario incidents that make up a single digit percentage presents a level-headed and down to earth viewpoint of the dangers of misabused trust in the D/S world.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 9:48:46 AM

stef

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It's a myth that such a myth exists. Folks into BDSMNOPQ are no more or less (insert trait here) than other people. They're just people.

~stef

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 9:55:33 AM

missturbation

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

While certainly it's not a good idea to advocate unrestrained and untempered interaction with Internet people, I don't think listing worst case scenario incidents that make up a single digit percentage presents a level-headed and down to earth viewpoint of the dangers of misabused trust in the D/S world.

I agree
However these single digit figure cases do happen and ignoring them completely can't be good either. It's a fine line between getting the safety message out there and scare mongering.

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If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 10:02:30 AM

Rover

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Ok, first let's make a distinction between meeting someone, and...

1. Agreeing to be tied up and gagged in an isolated environment.

2. Moving in with a stranger.

3. Handing over all your worldy possessions to someone you don't know.

Now that we've distinguished between a "blind date" and "blind fool", the issue of meeting someone becomes significantly less frightening.

If it is your intention to say that bad people can be found in BDSM, same as vanilla society.... well.... duh. If it's your intention to say that bad people can be found on the internet, in the park, at work, in the grocery store... well... duh.

It's my considered opinion that the dangers of meeting someone from the internet who shares a mutual interest in BDSM is waaaaaaayyyyy over done. Provided you aren't a blind fool. And if you are, it really doesn't matter anyway 'cause there's always the park, bar, library, coffee shop, etc.

John

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 10:03:34 AM

ElectraGlide

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From: Maryland
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Hey most people will not meet each other anyway. How many threads are here of people complaining about local people with profiles that will not even trade a message with them. Then you hear the people with the 937 excuses defending why they will not meet certain people. The ones that take a chance will meet someone.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 10:11:43 AM

LadyConstanze

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I think anybody with half a brain would meet in a public place for the first time.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 10:12:31 AM

fragilepieces

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If you read Ann Rule and other crime novels AND the news, you must also be well aware that husbands kill wives and vice versa, 'friends' kill other 'friends', neighbors kill neighbors, students kill classmates, employees kill co-workers---the fact is one is just as likely to be threatened, hurt or killed by someone they already know.

As for assuming that no one is safe---I'd rather follow my gut than to baricade myself inside for the rest of my life than assume if I interact with people I might die.

(in reply to candystripper)

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 10:16:04 AM

Mercnbeth

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~ Fast Reply ~

The myth is tha ANYONE should be trusted before they earn it. D/s just provides a rationalized excuse for those who enjoy, and brag about, being a victim; on sites like CM.

(in reply to stef)

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 10:45:58 AM

Maya2001

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From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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A BDSM dating site is no different than any other dating site and personally I have never seen comments or suggestions that D/s is safer .... I have often seen recommendations to have meets if you want to play at public parties/dungeons and they are safe places to meet with Dungeon monitors to look out for people and many private dungeon parties the hosts tend to be well known in the local communities .. I know of a couple in my local area that I have never attended but hear positives about ..common sense should dictate to check out if you are not sure
no matter the internet source for dating common sense shoul prevail and person responsibility is needed neither D/s or vanilla have a claim on being a safer

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 11:00:34 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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As far as I'm concerned, people are people. The fact that they're into WIITWD makes them neither safer, nor less safe, to meet and spend time with in person. I take some reasonable precautions -- I meet people with my Darling, or among other friends, and we meet in a public place for the first time 'round. We do that for people in every walk of life, not just for those in WIITWD. Sometimes, we meet in a public place for another meeting or two. Usually, we decide pretty quickly, though, whether we're going to trust someone or not, and take the risk on a person being what xhe says xhe is.

That being said, sometimes we invite people to our homes that we've never met before. We've done this not -only- in the world of WIITWD, but in throwing an open-house for folks at work, in throwing a holiday open-house, and in getting together for a religious group meeting.

The fact that people are taking the -rare- occurrence of encountering a mass murderer and transmuting that to "I can't possible meet anyone I don't know, because xhe might be a mass murderer!" is, in my mind, a form of social psychosis. Reasonable self-preservation is one thing... letting fear control one's life is something else entirely to me... then again, I'm an adventurous-type person.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 11:00:48 AM

KatyLied

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Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

sometimes inviting such a woman to come live in their homes.

When I see people relocate in a rush I figure they get what they deserve. I don't feel badly for people who lack common sense.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 11:26:24 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

sometimes inviting such a woman to come live in their homes.

When I see people relocate in a rush I figure they get what they deserve. I don't feel badly for people who lack common sense.

This pretty much sums up my opinion on the subject.

That, and the process of natural selection.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 11:28:33 AM

KatyLied

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I'm not for the entire safety police approach. I think that people should assess their risk, determine their boundaries for risk-taking and act accordingly. Of course this assumes that people have and use common sense. And we all know the deal with that.

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 11:56:38 AM

CalifChick

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Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

I see so many posts about men meeting women they know not at all, sometimes inviting such a woman to come live in their homes.

We must not be reading the same posts... where are these "so many" posts you speak of?

Cali

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 12:01:44 PM

RealSub58

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Candy, I am wondering what caused this sudden "shouting down a well"? .

I do know that while Candy seems to dwell on safety and abuse ALOT, she usually yells "down a well" when she becomes frustrated with the issue. As per my POV.

(in reply to OttersSwim)

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RE: The Myth That All Folks Into D/s Can Be Trusted - 11/12/2008 12:30:57 PM

CreativeDominant

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I'e met people from the internet and I've met people in the club. I''ve always found it to be fairly safe though I don't deny the existence of problems and even have my own example...the submissive who woke up the next morning and told me I had 10 minutes to get dressed, pack and leave or the cops would be grabbing me on my way out. In looking back, I've gathered and processed the idea and have proclaimed it on here that I was thinking with the wrong head and not listening to the warning bells in the right head. My mistake and I learned...now I spend time getting to know the submissives I might...or might not...interact with and I've actually found it to be safer and more entertaining than some of the vanilla dates I've been on.
Due to the circumstance of where I live, all of my BDSM/D/s partners have been from out of town/state/country. So there has been a great deal of time spent talking and, just as importantly, listening before I have met these submissives. Could I have been wrong? Yes, I suppose someone could have fooled me for months and I could have run into someone just as bad as my bad example...but I have not done so yet.
But there again...no matter how silly they seem to some...I have had my own version of a dominant safe call in place each time I've met someone.
____________________________________________________________________

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And the beginning of a nightmare

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