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Hathalud -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/12/2008 8:19:40 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mc1234
quote:
ORIGINAL: camille65
I got a bit fed up with some of the replies so I'm skipping the rest and just posting my thoughts.
Its not such much that they're goals in BDSM but yes he does have tangible goals with me in mind. He wants me to be as physically healthy as possible even if that means changing my habits. He also wants me to be happy, for me to understand what sort of life I need to be happy in and to help me achieve that.
I'm not sure what is so wrong with (wanting or having) a dominant that wants the submissive reach their potential. Nor am I saying that a submissive can't reach the potential on their own, but personally I am really lucky to have a man to whom it is so important that I live well within myself.
Camille, I get what you're saying - how he wants you to be the best you can be, and that you're definitely 'in' on wanting the same goals. I assume from reading your posts that he didn't come to the realization of what you needed to work on to be a better 'you' ... he got to know you and knew you were struggling in some areas and helps you with that. That shows love and a sharing of self that's a great thing because of the way it works for you.
It's much different than my instance where my Dom decided what was wrong with me and giving me a battle plan on how to overcome his perceived issues with me - and just kinda planting the idea in my head of that's where I need to be and here's how you're gonna get there.
Your instance comes from a place of love and affection with the good of you in mind. Mine, otoh, weren't discussed but were rather decreed and it was my role to then go "ooh, aahhh.." and bow down to his superior intellect - that he knew me better than i did. Not something that went over all that well at all.
I'm sorry to hear that you had such a negative experience with someone trying to fix you without bothering to get to know you, truly know you first. And I'm thrilled to hear that at least one person has had a successful experience in this dimension. Woots for Camille in this dimension of things.
That's exactly the kind of thing I've done in the past myself. Pay attention to them, ask them deep questions that forces them to think and come up with their own answers as to why they do/say what they do/say. Sometimes all I do is be myself and they change their habits and attitudes on their own. One of my lovers claims he's learned to be more loving and less angry just by being around me. I've done nothing to persuade him in this direction. Other times they come to me with their issues, asking questions to their problems... sometimes just rhetorically, but they get an answer all the same if I can provide one. Others I've provided catharsis for by simply listening to them telling their story. Just like each relationship is different, each person is different and needs different help... assuming that they need help. Not all do. One of my girls hasn't needed any help at all and is solid and stable all on her own. There is one prime critera for helping someone though, they have to want to change things of their own accord. I can blather at them all I want, but unless they want to change things on their own, it's not going to happen. All I really do is point the direction. And forgive me if I'm wrong here, but pointing a direction is helping someone.
Frankly a lot of the above people are talking out of their arses, not actually knowing me or bothering to ask any questions without any preconceived notions. I'd speculate some haven't read the follow up for more info, such as my helping with things that there is no "professional" help for. I.E. What some would call supernatural abilities. And before anyone pokes that, I'm not claiming to be an end all, know it all authority on spiritual issues or ESP, but I am claiming to know more than most sense that's where I've devoted the majority of my attention for the past six years.
Sadly, I can tell that for the most part, aside from the thrill-seekers here chipping in that they are in it just to explore their kinks and develop a BDSM relationship, nearly everyone else is predatory and more prone to making blanket assumptions about me, instead of asking questions and actually performing a "discussion", which... correct me if I'm worng.... what this area is suppose to be about... Discussion of all things that we choose to broach in it's regard to BDSM..... any more directly... simply answering the question I asked or not partaking of this discussion at all if what I'm asking doesn't pertain to their veiw of BDSM.
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