RE: Goals in BDSM (Full Version)

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BLGirl -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/12/2008 8:38:42 PM)

I think for my baby its about loosing some of that control that she has always had to have in her life.  for her its about giving me what she has not given anyone else.   For me it's about showing her that I am the man that she married. This is important because, most people try to be something that they are not and show only what they think their partners want.

I might suggest, but would not speak for anyone, that BDSM is what it is for each couple.  For some its about having fun and being kinky, others its about giving up control and being kinky, while other are wanting to get their needs met how they feel they need to be met while being kinky.  I would suggest that you take what you want out of BDSM and enjoy it.  I encourage my baby to be strong willed and stand up for herself, and to speak her mind *within reason*.


Daddy of BLGirl



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/12/2008 8:39:38 PM)

Sometimes letting people heal themselves from start to finish is what they need most.  How do you decide who needs what guidance?  How do you know their most sincere truth for themselves at that moment isn't to be in that pain?



SunNMoon -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/12/2008 8:42:49 PM)

I'm totally in it for fun. No big goals (a small goal with Pet but that's totally nonfixing and mostly for giggles), besides my normal life goals which really don't account as BDSM goals. I'm in it because it's fun for me no deeper philosophical reason whatsoever.  



slavegirljoy -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/12/2008 8:43:14 PM)

akisha said it well.  But, also, for me, i am not in, and have never been in, a "BDSM relationship".  i am in a relationship in which B&D and S&M are enjoyable parts, just as sex and laughter, among other things, are enjoyable parts.  i didn't "choose to enter into this lifestyle".  i have chosen to enter into relationships with men who i had an attraction to and a desire to be with.  Some of those relationships have included B&D and/or S&M to varying degrees and some haven't.  Either way, happiness, health, and fulfillment are the ultimate goals in any relationship i am in.  Pleasing the man i am with is always my goal, whether he happens to be dominant or kinky with me or not.  That's just my basic nature.
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

My goals are to have a happy, healthy, fullfilling and successful long term relationship with out getting hung up on what other people think our relationship should be.



BLGirl -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/12/2008 8:45:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Sometimes letting people heal themselves from start to finish is what they need most.  How do you decide who needs what guidance?  How do you know their most sincere truth for themselves at that moment isn't to be in that pain?


only the person can truly answer that question is that person.  Any good therapist would tell you that the client is their own best expert and the therapist is a tool to be used by the client.  If a person needs to be in pain, I might ask why?    While most of society would question the need for a person to be in pain I would suggest to know way as well, but realize that this might be a release that this particular person needs.   Knowing why pain is what is needed is also important.

Daddy of BLGirl



theobserver -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/12/2008 10:04:16 PM)

My goal is to find out if it's even truly right for me. I really don't know what it is yet or where I fit, or what purpose it would serve in enriching my life. I know that my interpretation of certain things I've read, so far, seems interesting and have peaked my interest - however not to the point of being able to fully commit to it. Then again, I dunno, maybe it's just that I haven't had a real connection, yet, to know where it all fits together for me.

In a hypothetical sense, I would say, that it would help me to become a more disciplined and focused individual. I tend to flutter from one idea to the next. I have a disorganized way of going about my life, whether it be mundane day to day tasks or something that takes more concentration like writing, studying or balancing finances.

I don't believe that answer is what you were seeking, but from my perspective that's all I can offer at the moment.



masterforRT -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 2:11:32 AM)

I'm into BDSM because I am a Dom. My goal is to learn more about it through discussion, education and experience (both my own and watching and learning from others'), and also to help my submissive(s) to learn as well.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 2:42:30 AM)

My goal in D/s, and in life: the self-actualization or self-realization, of my slaveboy and I.

The same goal I had for myself, when I was on the other side of the slash.



IrishMist -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 5:14:46 AM)

~Fast reply to the op ~

I don't have 'BDSM' relationships.
I have relationships

I don't have 'BDSM' goals that appear in my relationships.
I have goals in my life that I strive to achieve.

BDSM is not my life, nor do I center my life around it. If you do, that's fine; but don't assume that everyone here does.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 6:41:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Fast Reply to no one in particular....
 
As this thread progresses, I'm reminded of the problems inherent to Dominants with a need to "fix" others, and submissives with the idea that all they need is a Dominant to "fix" them.  BDSM as therapy... ugh.
 
John


That would be really sad, Rover. I am glad that is not in my case. I can't be fixed by anyone, but myself.
Am curious is this really a problem that some Dominants go through?


Yeah, unfortunately it's a problem encountered by both Dominants and submissives.  Many Dominants go through a "Knight in shining armour" period where a "damsel in distress" is very appealing.  Until they figure out the distress is perpetual. 
 
And there are plenty of submissives who think that their crappy lives would only be better if that "Knight in shining armour" would come along and fix it all for them.  Until they find out that it doesn't work that way.
 
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
 
John


John,

When you were there doing that and working on getting the T shirt, what sort of response would you have wanted?  Since I too went through that phase, and hell, it is still a bit of a kink for me, I don't see much in your response that would help someone move past that phase to where you are now in your post.



Rover -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 7:51:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
John,

When you were there doing that and working on getting the T shirt, what sort of response would you have wanted?  Since I too went through that phase, and hell, it is still a bit of a kink for me, I don't see much in your response that would help someone move past that phase to where you are now in your post.


Michael, I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom for folks going through the same thing.  Truth is, I knew what was happening and allowed it to happen anyway.  And I suspect the same may be true for you as well.  Perhaps it's something we all need to go through... to taste, smell and feel for ourselves? 
 
I don't know.  I just know that it sucks, that it's frustrating, a waste of time and effort, and quite possibly self-destructive if allowed to continue.  If you can offer some help beyond that, please do share it.  I know in my case, it would have fallen upon deaf ears until I had my fill.
 
John



SimplyMichael -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 8:01:09 AM)

John,

Oh sure fine, answer back with a question! LOL.  I know what you mean, we are blind to it which is why we can see something needs to be fixed and once we can see it, we fix it. 

That said, I remember the advice I got (funny about this thread, I had meant to post my one with the letter prior to this I just hadn't yet) at the time of my first long term D/s relationship.  I don't recall ever hearing "D/s is just a vanilla relationship" or even that vanilla relationship skills are important to making D/s work (if you are one of those nutjobs like me who think there are some differences) I just got the same sort of advice one would get in a better than average chat room.  I never heard the WHY people like to "fix" others because hearing the why might have been the wakeup call I need.  I never heard terms like co-dependency used to describe the majority of bdsm and D/s relationships.  I never found the sort of hard edged no nonsense advice people like LA give on here.

Which is why when a clueless newbie dom posts chest thumping stuff I tend to ignore them or be insulting, but when someone clueless says "HELP" I tend to write long intensely personal posts hoping he will SEE something that helps him grow.  I truly feel I got little if any of that and I was looking in San Francisco.  I could get all the classes on flogging and bondage I wanted but the relationship stuff SUCKED.



Rover -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 8:08:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I could get all the classes on flogging and bondage I wanted but the relationship stuff SUCKED.


There are reasons for that, and we could go on ad nauseum as to what they are.  Suffice to say that beyond agreement, I try to offer some degree of contribution towards a solution.  As a result, with rare exception, my own presentations tend to be oriented towards power exchange relationships rather than as "how to" classes.
 
But having said that, power exchange relationships are the minority and B/D S/M oriented presentations will always bring out the crowds.
 
John



leadership527 -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 8:27:01 AM)

~FR~

*shrugs* Gosh, I "fix" my wife aggressively and I spent all day yesterday "fixing" another sub. Help me out here, but if we weren't using the screwed up vocabulary of BDSM, wouldn't I have just said, "I like to help my wife to become a better Carol." The fact that SOME people engage in helpful activities from poorly thought out motives with dubious chances of success, doesn't mean that all such efforts must be that way.

And for the record, my wife is actively engaged in fixing me also... and I mean with a specific problem and plan for resolution in mind... and it's a real, deep seated problem not "I don't floss regularly".



Rover -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 8:52:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Help me out here, but if we weren't using the screwed up vocabulary of BDSM, wouldn't I have just said, "I like to help my wife to become a better Carol."


I can only speak for myself, of course.  But I'm not at all talking about a screwed up BDSM vocabulary, or helping someone become a better person.  I'm talking about personality disorders.  I'm talking about mental health issues.  I'm talking about a fundamental inability to cope with life. 
 
I can't fix that.  If you can, more power to you.
 
John



mc1234 -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 9:01:14 AM)

I think within an active, loving relationship (bdsm or otherwise) each may want to help their partner be the best person they can be - help them shine in their own way.  That's part of loving and bringing out the best - complimenting one another and helping when the other has an issue.

BUT I don't want to be a 'project' or something that needs fixing.  That would cast me in the 'helpless submissive' role and that's not one I covet.  White knights are awfully cool in fantasy at times, but in reality, I don't want or need one. 



SimplyMichael -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 9:04:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

~FR~

*shrugs* Gosh, I "fix" my wife aggressively and I spent all day yesterday "fixing" another sub. Help me out here, but if we weren't using the screwed up vocabulary of BDSM, wouldn't I have just said, "I like to help my wife to become a better Carol." The fact that SOME people engage in helpful activities from poorly thought out motives with dubious chances of success, doesn't mean that all such efforts must be that way.

And for the record, my wife is actively engaged in fixing me also... and I mean with a specific problem and plan for resolution in mind... and it's a real, deep seated problem not "I don't floss regularly".


Leadership,

What we are refering to by "fixing" isn't one caring partner helping another become better and in short being the very definition of PARTNER.  Instead, what some are objecting to, are those who, like an addict, find people more fucked up than they are to "fix" rather than doing the hard work of looking in the mirror and doing the work on their own lives.

The real problem is when someone gets trapped with someone who wants to "fix" them so they can feel better about themselves but then becomes threatened when that person actually starts to get "fixed" and so they then need to tear them down again so they don't feel threatened.  That is when dysfunction starts to turn into abuse.



akisha -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 9:15:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

My goals are to have a happy, healthy, fullfilling and successful long term relationship with out getting hung up on what other people think our relationship should be.


This pretty much sums up idea in having when considering an intimate relationship..... however... what I have to do to achieve this is much more complex.

Now.. BDSM to me is about Play and not D/s or M/s dynamics.  My BDSM goal is indeed to have an enjoyable experience.. again.. how to achieve that is much more complex.


Agreed

The complexity of a ongoing D/s relationship is something that is constantly changing and growing. When it comes to having a successful D/s relationship with in our intimate relationship, my main goal is to do my best and be open about my thoughts, feelings and state of mind, and a willingness to do what it takes to help facilitate the sucess our relationship.

I have no desire to fix or be fixed, just be. I want to be there to help Him when he needs it and i want the ability to lean on him when i need to.



leadership527 -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 9:16:17 AM)

quote:

Michael Said
Instead, what some are objecting to, are those who, like an addict, find people more fucked up than they are to "fix" rather than doing the hard work of looking in the mirror and doing the work on their own lives.


I agree Michael... As I said, I acknowledge that some people enter into activities like this with really poor motives and limited chance of success. So what's new with that? Yeah, some people, dom and sub and vanilla alike are idiots. But other people on this thread have suggested that the things I am actually doing in real-time right now are not possible and I'm disagreeing.

John
And yes John, I knew what you were talking about and it's exactly what I am referring to -- for simplicity's sake... serious shit.



Rover -> RE: Goals in BDSM (11/13/2008 9:20:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

And yes John, I knew what you were talking about and it's exactly what I am referring to -- for simplicity's sake... serious shit.


Best of luck with that.
 
John



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