How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching?

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 8:50:46 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

I've been looking for the right dom for about seven months now. I realize that's a fairly short span of time - I've seen subs talk about seraching for years, even decades, before finding "the one" - but I've found myself feeling a bit worn-out and jaded by the search.

I've spoken to a few hundred, possibly over a thousand guys online, and for all the days and hours spent on the computer and phone, remain not one bit closer to having a relationship of any kind.

It hasn't all been a string of bad experiences. Mostly it's just benign incompatibility - I'm not what they want; they're not what I want; they don't like me; I don't like them.

What I'm finding hard is keeping enthusiastic, open-minded, and interested. When I get a message on here or elsewhere, my first thought is "another letter from a Mr. Wrong I haven't met yet".

It's not that I don't have a life outside of this. My life outside of my romantic situation has been quite good lately - but it doesn't make me any less lonely.

So for subs who've had problems finding the right someone - how do you keep your spirits up?

Post #: 1

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 9:07:51 PM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

I take period mental breaks when I'd steer clear of CM and clear my head a bit. It does get disappointing sometimes. It can definitely be disheartening, especially when reading about all the fun others are having. lol But I always kept coming back for more - something always draws me back. Whether it's loneliness, hormones, whatever.

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 9:08:55 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

It took me over a year and a lot of the same incompatibilities. I don't know what was worse, the ones who you knew off the bat were wrong or the ones you thought were perfect and it didn't work out. Ahh Keep your chin up. I found the perfect Dom. If I can do it... hell anyone can!!!!!
Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 9:21:04 PM

shivermetimbers

Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline

I echo your sentiments. I started searching back in 1998 through AOL chatrooms, then moved onto Alt, AFF, SexyAds, and eventually here. Through the process, there came a point I would just stay away for a while, if the current group of members wasn't providing any interest, time needed to allow for newer members and potential partners to join, or older members to start searching for someone new themselves. I wish I had a dollar for every time I saw someone's ad and thought we could be perfect together, only to see that they were already involved, and not searching for someone at the moment.

OP, it's good to know that you are taking your time, and not settling. I know from firsthand experience that settling just ruins it for both parties. That was a learning experience, and it was what I used to keep my hopes up. Though it ended badly for all of us, I knew that there really were real life people out there, not just a bunch of souls parked on the internet off ramp. That kept my spirits up, having gained experience, even if it came through the school of hard knocks. I took a break, and came back with a positive attitude, and a confidence that I did have some very good qualities to offer the right one.

Best of luck to you, and I wish you success in your search.

_____________________________

I love you Deanna, you make every day a better day.

If we descended from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ3CJi0Ih9s&feature=player_embedded

http://www.thebuccozone.com/piratesong.htm

(in reply to mc1234)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 9:26:29 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

by taking breaks from the search and reminding myself I am content even without a partner and so I spend time doing the things I enjoy and keeping busy.

(in reply to shivermetimbers)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 9:31:32 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

i come to the forums and vent. that's how i cope with it all

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 9:32:56 PM

leakylee

Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

hehe, i get hurt on a regular basis.

i give back as much as i can at the Shed. i maintain close ties with lifestyle.

i work on my house and yard. keep my dogs happy.(that can be a task in and of itself.

on the romantic front, i have been single for over 3 three years. i dont really stress about it. it will happen when it is meant to. i date here and there, but dont ever really get in a serious 'search mode'. i have a pretty full life. it sucks somewhat on occasion, but overall life is good. i am content.

smooches
lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/14/2008 11:12:55 PM

monywildcat

Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

I personally would keep my spirits up, since I am an optimist by nature. I not only see the glass as half full, but I would break my back to fill it more. And add needed sugar. Or ice.

Finding your partner can be incredibly difficult. I have said this many a time, you have to kiss a whole hell of a lot of frogs before you get your prince charming. And even then, he is not perfect. But you deal with the imperfection, if you feel the result is for the greater good.

On a side note, you are a cute as a spotted pup, if I fit what you are looking for, you would consider yourself owned.

nom nom nom damn my gender!!! DAMMIT

< Message edited by monywildcat -- 11/14/2008 11:14:06 PM >

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

(in reply to leakylee)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 12:14:16 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

Let me ask you this, what are you doing locally to look as well? Are you going out into the community to meeting, parties, or anything along those lines? Are you on the Gay SM sites? Your profile is very good and clearly states what you are looking for, nothing stands out negative to me in it. Just try to enjoy the ride and know that it takes time.

Mike

(in reply to monywildcat)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 12:24:35 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

The old saying goes, “vanilla is like getting a hotdog when you want a steak”. Being an edge player, in my history it sometimes takes a while to find someone compatible. So, I eat "hot dogs" until the "steak" is ready. That way I don't starve.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 12:53:09 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

Thanks, everyone, for your replies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD
Let me ask you this, what are you doing locally to look as well? Are you going out into the community to meeting, parties, or anything along those lines? Are you on the Gay SM sites?

The community here is very small and almost entirely already partnered. I've looked into it, but there are no meetings or get togethers other than a small monthly pansexual get together that unfortunately coincides with an evening I have classes.

I'm on Recon. Any other good gay BDSM sites?

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
The old saying goes, “vanilla is like getting a hotdog when you want a steak”. Being an edge player, in my history it sometimes takes a while to find someone compatible. So, I eat "hot dogs" until the "steak" is ready. That way I don't starve.

If only it was just the sex I was missing! There are tons of guys I can to for scenes locally or few hours away, if that's what I wanted.

It's the emotional connection I want - and that's not something I can find a quick and cheap replacement for.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 2:33:27 AM

Barelily

Posts: 96
Joined: 10/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

but I've found myself feeling a bit worn-out and jaded by the search.

Yea I know this feeling, it gets harder and harder to believe anything someone is saying to you, hang in there.

_____________________________

"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that that take your breath away."

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 6:55:17 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

How I handle is by taking short breaks ..I either put my profile into hide mode or just put a statement not searching currently.. and change the settings to just searching for friends.. as a I still enjoy visiting the message forums..and occasionally friendships can blossom into an interest in meeting down the road... I think it is important to take the time outs to rejuvenate and also to prevent becoming jaded

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to Barelily)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 8:07:57 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

I'm on Recon. Any other good gay BDSM sites?

I sent you a message on the otherside with a few others.

Mike

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 8:26:16 AM

Mikkilicious

Posts: 6
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline

I've also taken breaks from "searching" I am in a small town and so there is no local scene. Even finding vanilla is tough for me as I am not one to get out by myself. All we really have are the local bars. sure I could get laid, but I too search for the emotional side. I just try and keep my head about me and know when it is meant to be, it will happen. Doesn't help the long loney nights, I know. But hang in there. I've been searching for about three years and have had a few frogs along the path, but have a few great friends too.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 9:10:42 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

getting a lover on the side to keep my orgasm and pain needs in check.

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 9:11:54 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001
I think it is important to take the time outs to rejuvenate and also to prevent becoming jaded

Excellent point. This is where I'm at right now. I still have my profile up and active but I state I'm looking for a relationship and not just a play partner. It's easy to become jaded if your sole focus is on a search to fulfill your kink. I need my partner to be well-rounded in life and therefore I need to offer the same. I hang out here on the boards and learn what I can. I'm also starting to explore my local (and not so local) scene and am really enjoying just learning. It helps to keep the jadedness at bay, for me.

Seven months isn't really a long time...but I'm sure it feels that way for you. I've been on CM for almost a year and have met lots of interesting people and have made a couple of friends but no real connections...and that's okay. I just keep reminding myself...all good things come to those who wait. Stay true to what your wants and needs checklist is for looking for a partner and carry on with life. You mentioned things were good outside of "this" and that's great. That's what makes for a well-rounded person that will mean something to the right one.

Good luck and best wishes.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 1:38:59 PM

nwcutie102

Posts: 162
Joined: 1/13/2008
Status: offline

maybe time to take a break. fill your thoughts and life with may other things... make some goals, create a list of things you wish to do or accomplish. take on a home improvement project.... comje back in 3 or 4 months. you are too young to be disappointed so soon.. take your time and enjoy life... good luck and the best!

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 1:45:03 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

I've been looking for the right dom for about seven months now. I realize that's a fairly short span of time - I've seen subs talk about seraching for years, even decades, before finding "the one" - but I've found myself feeling a bit worn-out and jaded by the search.

I've spoken to a few hundred, possibly over a thousand guys online, and for all the days and hours spent on the computer and phone, remain not one bit closer to having a relationship of any kind.

It hasn't all been a string of bad experiences. Mostly it's just benign incompatibility - I'm not what they want; they're not what I want; they don't like me; I don't like them.

What I'm finding hard is keeping enthusiastic, open-minded, and interested. When I get a message on here or elsewhere, my first thought is "another letter from a Mr. Wrong I haven't met yet".

It's not that I don't have a life outside of this. My life outside of my romantic situation has been quite good lately - but it doesn't make me any less lonely.

So for subs who've had problems finding the right someone - how do you keep your spirits up?

I don't think it is a specific problem submissives have, it can be quite frustrating on the other side of the whip.

I know you asked other subs, but from my experience, nothing beats going to real life events, munches and such, it does keep your spirits up to have some real interaction with likeminded folks and you never know who you actually might meet.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching? - 11/15/2008 2:42:15 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

Okay...
Focus on making friends here and dont look. Continue to go to the local things...eventually someone will come in or breakup or whatnot...i know that sounds awful....but its the truth.

Only answer the cmails once you have read them and had your bad reaction privately...dont respond immediatly after reading it the first time. Come back after doing something completely unrelated....like exercise or something.

Dance like no one is watching and all that happycrap....

When its time for you to have a relationship, youll have one...meanwhile...just breathe and relax and find other things to do....

much love
perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How do you keep up your enthusiasm while searching?

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094