Views on BDSM Checklists (Full Version)

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SassySarijane -> Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 9:53:31 AM)

What do you think of checklists and using them?

My personal view is that they can be a good thing, but I'd rather wait to use them until I've spent time getting to know someone and developing a relationship with them; whether it be friendship and topping or full on D/s, love and the whole nine yards. It tends to hit me wrong if someone I don't know or don't know very well wants to get right into the kink checklist thing.



VampiresLair -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 9:55:49 AM)

I have always seen checklists as a good tool for a beginner to be able to give names to things they want to try. However, what worries me is when people depend on them. They make a decent framework for playtime, but they should never be a substitute for conversation. Unfortunately, they are more often used as a users manual for a submissive than a tool to help figure out preferences.

DV



DesFIP -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 9:58:08 AM)

I'm not that interested in exchanging checklists but I do like it if someone lists what they're into playwise on their profile. Then I don't have to get interested in them, start a relationship just to discover we really aren't compatible, or worse, ignore the obvious incompatibilities and try to force a relationship simply because I've gotten interested in them.

But that's a few sentences on a profile. It doesn't take much to say into bondage, not pain, no micromanagement, or conversely, pain play a must, very strict controls on everything, lots of humiliation. You can cover the main points in just one line if you really know what you need.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:00:11 AM)

Repost:

I find them mostly useless.

But, I've got a guy I've played with a few times, a guy I really like and am getting to see again at LR.  We want to be able to make the next scene we do really intense and awesome for eachother, so we both filled out the lists with commentary on EACH item, and discussed and will continue to discuss the major points leading up to our scene.

The list itself is mostly useless, but it can be a great springboard.  I often suggest people using them as a third date thing to fill out together and share fantasies and ideas.

Checklist for Masters?

Contracts, again...



Evility -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:00:41 AM)

A bdsm limit list is of more value to me personally. Checklists can be a useful catalyst for discussion.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:05:10 AM)

i don't build relationships with anyone who doesn't have some of the same interests as myself in the area of bdsm.  there are certain areas that i 'need' to be fullfilled in a relationship, so i'm just spinning my wheels and wasting my time if i can't find out whether or not the person on the opposite end can give me what i need.



beargonewild -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:05:55 AM)

Other then using it as a framework or reference to work from to determine if there's any sort of compatibility, then a checklist I find is quickly ignored and cast aside.I did have one experience when a potential Sir I was talking with sent me a detailed BDSM checklist to fill out, part of me found this to be a bit too impersonal.



SassySarijane -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:20:00 AM)

That's how I see them. As a tool for discussion rather than a be all end all of discovering the limits and preferences of another and that's part of why I don't want to use them until a relationship is definitely developing or has developed. A BDSM Checklist to me covers likes, dislikes, limits and curiosities and can help in covering more than just what comes to mind, spark discussion on something(s) you maybe hadn't considered or thought of.



SassySarijane -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:23:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

i don't build relationships with anyone who doesn't have some of the same interests as myself in the area of bdsm.  there are certain areas that i 'need' to be fullfilled in a relationship, so i'm just spinning my wheels and wasting my time if i can't find out whether or not the person on the opposite end can give me what i need.


For it to go beyond acquaintaince or friendship for me, we have to be very compatible kink wise as well as in the other areas of life. I need to know we fit.



SassySarijane -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:27:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

I did have one experience when a potential Sir I was talking with sent me a detailed BDSM checklist to fill out, part of me found this to be a bit too impersonal.



That's what I'm talking about with doing one right off. It is a total turn off for me and makes me think that the kink is all they are about and that doesn't work for me.



SassySarijane -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:31:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Repost:

I find them mostly useless.

But, I've got a guy I've played with a few times, a guy I really like and am getting to see again at LR.  We want to be able to make the next scene we do really intense and awesome for eachother, so we both filled out the lists with commentary on EACH item, and discussed and will continue to discuss the major points leading up to our scene.

The list itself is mostly useless, but it can be a great springboard.  I often suggest people using them as a third date thing to fill out together and share fantasies and ideas.

Checklist for Masters?

Contracts, again...



I don't think they are useless, but more it depends on HOW you use it. I agree it's good as a springboard to discussion and in the context you mentioned to make a really intense scene. I hadn't thought of using it that way before, but I like that idea.



mummyman321 -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:35:27 AM)

I find Checklist list extremely usesful. For example, I have a fetish for latex. Why enter into a relationship where the partner hates latex. I think the lists are great for search for the person who has similar interest. But then my point of view may be skewed a little. I have been in the lifestyle over 15 years and I know what I like, what I do not like and what I am willing to explore. This may not be so cut and dry if you are new to the scene.



Lucero -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:45:18 AM)

I don't use checklists, but I don't see them as a waste of time, rather then a stamp in time A snapshot where, mostly beginners, explore possibility's and reflect on how they feel about certain topics.

Once a D/s gets on it's way a checklist is constantly changing. Pragmatically it can be used as a framework. But if you keep the communication lines open at all times, I don't see the necessity of a checklist.

Lucero



came4U -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:49:24 AM)

quote:

I have always seen checklists as a good tool for a beginner to be able to give names to things they want to try.


That is a good definition. 

I haven't seen the need for them in a long, long while.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 10:54:18 AM)

~FR~
 
I love checklists.  I'll often have a sub fill one out as part of the getting-to-know-you process and keep it in a file.  I have lots of other questionnaires that I like to keep on file beside the checklist.  I love to get inside my sub's head and find out what makes her tick.  Later, I can refer back to my files when I'm looking for ideas for the next scene.  "Oh, she likes X but not Y and Z makes her squirm but she's willing to go there if pushed a little.  Hmm...I could work X and Z into a scene like this..."  They're a wonderful resource for stimulating my creativity.



JustDarkness -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 11:29:55 AM)

LOL
actually I got my first checklist from the slave I owned..this year.
She sent it to me..and I had no clue what she was talking about.
I prefer to talk to a girl and learn then about her. The list made me feel like if I would buy a car or a new pc..and could check for options.



thetammyjo -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 11:50:09 AM)

I use them during the negotiations for a trail scene -- the last hurdle before a training contract.

I learned over the years that while I need to be able to exchange my own, as the top/dom I need to hold off on that until I get the checklist from the bottom/sub. Why? Too often the thrill at a potential scene would change answers an that results in unconscious lying about limits, desires, and needs.

I never just took a checklist from someone. We sat down and talked it through, usually took at least two hours, so we could clarify what items meant and I could take notes. I figure if someone doesn't have the time to go through that process they sure as heck won't have the time to scene let alone train or be owned.



softness -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 11:58:38 AM)

I find checklists useful as a tool, they are no substitue for conversation however and like any tool are only as useful as the person using them.

I use a checklist in two ways, as a foundation for discussions around play and kink ... going through the list over a series of conversations means that things can be done somewhat methodically. I like doing thorough negotiation with a Top and then pretty much leaving it up to them. The second way that I use checklists is as a reflective tool for myself. I periodically update my checklist (as I have new/different experiences, as I swap partners etc things change)but always keep a copy of each version .... Using these I can see how I have developed, what kinks and tastes have developed where and how. This helps me to see how I can develop in other areas. Seeing over the years how my attitudes to pain have developed for instance I can see what potential for furtehr development there is.
YMMV 



BitaTruble -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 12:07:43 PM)

~FR~

I find checklists are very useful for exposing people to various ideas, objects, fetishes, etc. It's a wonderful way to research words and phrases that one might never had heard of before and that can lead to all sorts of fun stuff. [8D] There are just as many ooo's as eww's to be found!



NuevaVida -> RE: Views on BDSM Checklists (11/15/2008 12:13:21 PM)

When I was but a new and naive girl (haha) beginning my explorations of the world of BDSM, I found a checklist to be useful, simply as a means to learn what people actually DO. I wouldn't have imagined many of the items listed, and found myself fascinated by some and repelled by others. It was a good starting point for me to understand what the possibilities were, and to go from there.

Fast forward to today (now that I'm old and tainted), I wouldn't feel so keen in filling one out for somebody. I'd prefer to talk about various ideas and preferences and curiosities. Although it might be fun to fill one out together...laughing, squirming, gasping...heheh. But I like interaction, and going off to fill out a checklist would feel a bit cold and detached.



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