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Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 10:44:26 AM

darchChylde

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From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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This is or those dominant women who enjoy, or at least consider, sex with their submissive or bottom (though, i would appreciate all perspectives). In a situation where you know your submissive or bottom is physically or sexually attracted to you and that he/she enjoys getting beaten/tied up/etc... what do you think when he/she is never actually physically aroused by your ministrations.

Note: While this is for those with female submissives or bottoms as well, it is intended more towards those with the males under their tender attentions; as a woman not getting wet is easier to deal with than a man not getting hard.

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 11:15:52 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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NEVER? I'd wonder if there were a physical or mental block preventing them from expressing their inner feelings.

Enjoying kinky play isn't the same as being turned on from kinky play also. So that might be the key here.

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 11:22:51 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

This is or those dominant women who enjoy, or at least consider, sex with their submissive or bottom (though, i would appreciate all perspectives). In a situation where you know your submissive or bottom is physically or sexually attracted to you and that he/she enjoys getting beaten/tied up/etc... what do you think when he/she is never actually physically aroused by your ministrations.

Note: While this is for those with female submissives or bottoms as well, it is intended more towards those with the males under their tender attentions; as a woman not getting wet is easier to deal with than a man not getting hard.

If it's a physical relationship in such that the topping/bottoming is core to it, his lack of arousal might be an issue - if it's something that bothers him. I'd talk to him about it and find out. Some bottoms don't care so much about sexual arousal and bottoming feeds an entirely different side.

With a submissive, I don't give his arousal a second thought, unless it's regarding denial as part of tease & denial and chastity. My arousal is important, and to a submissive, me getting wet is more important than him being hard. If I was worrying about his arousal all the time, or even making it a priority, it'd merely be a distraction. I have no problems being 100% sexually selfish in a dominant/submissive interaction - this drives the dynamic. Of course, outside of those moments of sexual or domination "scenes" I am concerned with his sexual *fulfillment* as a whole. However, when I am dominating a man for my pleasure, it's about me - and I've found that submissivea most often don't care about their erection, they care about pleasing. If I sacrificed my own sexual arousal to make sure he was hard, it's backwards.

Akasha

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 11:39:50 AM

OttersSwim

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I think that submission is not necessarily sexual for everyone. I am only gradually coming to feel sexual excitement when my Lady does things to me. When we first started, I was not turned on at all. That is not to say that I was not receptive or having reaction to what she did...but it was a submissive reaction first and sexual reaction has taken a while to start developing.

For some, it may never be sexual. For others, it may be all sexual. And shades of gray in between. Best to give it time to see what develops.

So say I...

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 11/16/2008 11:41:37 AM >

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 11:41:27 AM

PeonForHer

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Some bottoms don't care so much about sexual arousal and bottoming feeds an entirely different side.

Perhaps in relation to that: I've had vanilla female partners, even ones in their late thirties, who still haven't understood that a man can be what he would call "turned on" without having an erection, or at least not a full one, all of the time.

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 11:57:01 AM

FullfigRIMaam

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I would imagine there is a psychological and/or physical/chemical problem happening, to block the submissive from responding, and this, would be problematic for me in a relationship.
This is something I discuss and get a clear feel for, before I become involved with someone.   In my first foray into getting to know, and build a potentially long term relationship with a slave, I encountered one with this ?physical impairment.   In our case, his not being physically turned on didn't bother me too much because I knew he couldn't and hadn't in years.    We did talk about investigating the why, and possibly entertain other options, but we grew apart because of other reasons and separated.

If however, I were with someone who was functional before we met, and intially after we met, I would want a thorough physical and psychological investigation of the reasons for this current lack of response... That is after we conversed and experimented with the things he tells me used to or does turn him on, and after we discussed whether he was angry/resentful of me or something about our relationship/home.

For myself, relating to a submissive is simply relating to a man; as such, I would need physical intimacy with mine, and if we had a problem in that arena, we'd have to find a way to resolve it.   I would again have a relationship with a man who is wonderful and submissive in all ways, but unable to become aroused sexually, if he came to me that way.
If this however were a new problem, and we were unable to resolve it, I would take it as a sign of displeasure of one or both parties with the relationship (take it personally), and eventually, the relationship would probably fall apart.   I can apreciate service in terms of cooking, cleaning and laundry as much as the next domina, but that wouldn't be sufficient for me in a relationship, as I know that when in a relationship, I need a physical/emotional connection as well.    M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMaam -- 11/16/2008 12:05:18 PM >

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 12:00:29 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I really never think about it, honestly. Masochistic play doesn't have to be sexually arousing to be fun/satisfying/pleasurable, does it? Also, I do not consider an erection to be the best sign of arousal. (oh, I just read that Peon said that already... hey! validation!)

I would be concerned if my partner wasn't being aroused by me in other situations, but not while I was engaging in singletail practice, or Scrotum Kumihimo. As long as he IS enjoying our time together (sadly, essential for me) then the rest will happen whenever.

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 12:04:28 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
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From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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Well, when i say never; it's never in a sado/masochistic scene. He might get aroused in a sexual interlude, whether or not if the woman is dominating; but the question is involving only the scenes where he is merely her bottom for her sadistic tendancies and his masochistic pleasure. Not to say that he's not responding but that he doesn't achieve a hint of erection when heavy bottoming is involved whether sensual or corporeal or any mix of the two.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to FullfigRIMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 12:15:49 PM

FullfigRIMaam

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In that case, he's enduring S/M for her pleasure, doesn't enjoy it THAT much, and who cares if he is excited about it or not, as long as she's enjoying helself? Does she care? Did these things turn him on previously, but no longer? Does he care? If he does care, perhaps it is her methodology/touch that is off, and he needs to respectfully discuss that with her. M

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Post #: 9

RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 12:31:45 PM

MsStarlett

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I've never experienced a man who didn't get aroused. ED... yes... lack of arousal, No.

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 12:35:15 PM

FullfigRIMaam

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Yes. It is possible as Peon pointed out to be partially or not erect at all and be aroused, though not as fun for the lady I imagine.

M

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"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

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Post #: 11

RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 1:34:29 PM

MsStarlett

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It's not. I assure you.

Once upon a long time ago, I was seriously infatuated with a married man. I was very fond of his wife so nothing beyond casual flirting went on between us. After some time, the wife expressed to me that they had an 'open marriage' and that her husband would like to spend some time with me. I jumped at the chance. I found out rather quickly that he suffered from Erectile Dysfunction. I mentioned the difficulties we experienced with the wife. She gave me that knowing little smile and said "Yes. It's always like that." I commented, "But you have two kids! It has to work more than two minutes at a time." She purred, "No, it doesn't. You just have to learn how to make that two minutes count."

Passive aggression. Such a wonderful thing. She knew I lusted after her husband. She also knew the best way to get rid of that little obsession was to let me have him. Her plan worked. I never had another fantasy about him. We are still all great friends... I'm just not nearly as flirtatious any more.

Be careful what you wish for. You might get it.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 1:54:48 PM

LadyConstanze

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Sorry, just laughing myself silly here! That is priceless, absolutely priceless...

I can understand why she had an open marriage but not how to make the 2 minutes count...

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 3:04:28 PM

PeonForHer

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I had a girlfriend once who, one night, didn't have a headache for two minutes. I made that count . . .

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 3:41:47 PM

MsFlutter

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From: East Coast
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quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

.... In a situation where you know your submissive or bottom is physically or sexually attracted to you and that he/she enjoys getting beaten/tied up/etc... what do you think when he/she is never actually physically aroused by your ministrations.

Someone years ago must have (wrongly) declared that all successes are measured by a hard-on. Took me awhile to figure out they were mistaken :)

Countless conversations & interactions with submissive males over the years have convinced me it is not about penile gratification. They love the idea of suffering at the hand of the Mistress, and her understanding of what takes them into subspace. Even the Spanked Hubby blog shows multiple comments by men saying that they love their spankings but rarely have a hard-on when they are over a lady's knee.

I think it is fair to say that a hard-on is not a reliable barometer of how happy a submissive is. I've never taken the absence of an erection personally as I am not addressing hard-on central - I'm always on a mission to a more interior part of the mind.

I regret that Vulcan mindmelds are not possible because I find the male psyche a fascinating place and would love a little tour ;)

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 3:46:19 PM

PeonForHer

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I regret that Vulcan mindmelds are not possible because I find the male psyche a fascinating place and would love a little tour ;)

I know someone's going to say it, so it might as well be a male before a female: a little tour's all it'd take.

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 3:56:35 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I regret that Vulcan mindmelds are not possible because I find the male psyche a fascinating place and would love a little tour ;)

I know someone's going to say it, so it might as well be a male before a female: a little tour's all it'd take.

Thanks, sweetie, I didn't want to be the one to go there!

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 4:03:08 PM

LadyConstanze

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I was sitting on my hands and repeating "Must not comment, must not comment"

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 4:22:14 PM

Politesub53

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Sorry, just laughing myself silly here! That is priceless, absolutely priceless...

I can understand why she had an open marriage but not how to make the 2 minutes count...

She said he was the worst lover she had ever had. He wondered how she knew so quickly !

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

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RE: Submissive not getting turned on? - 11/16/2008 4:27:29 PM

LadyConstanze

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"Why did you hurry so much, I wasn't going anywhere!"

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Those who do and those who don't!

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