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LadyPact -> RE: Kissing. Who initiates? How intimate is it? Do you dominate a man you never kiss? (11/18/2008 5:51:30 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
LadyPact, you are right on the money. That is exactly what I am discussing. Moving from total monogamy (in the flesh) to an open relationship is a long process and people would probably be baffled at the level of detail we go into when discussing what is ok, vs. what is not ok. And then when something is not ok, we have to discuss why. There are some things he's perfectly fine with me doing with other men, yet I would never think to do those things. Kissing is just one of those grey areas.
I find that I don't *need* it, but many of my femdomish activities tend to be peppered with it, and it goes with my physical/sensual style, so I have to separate that. What I have found, oddly, is that I don't find myself in angst over not kissing a man I am dominating - it's not a hard thing to resist, I don't find myself just aching and then dealing with feeling unfulfilled, which was what I always worried about. I worried - what if I couldn't resist it, what if I just wanted to do it, what if I was too attracted, what if that attraction became a distraction, what if "what I cannot have" became a worse distraction? And, on the flipside, if I was not attracted enough to WANT to kiss a man, then I certainly wasn't attracted enough to want to dominate him, right?
I've dominated a couple of men in the flesh I was very attracted to. If I were single, hell yes, I'd be kissing them. Did not kissing them make me feel unfulfilled? Not at all. Was it a distraction? Other than a fleeting thought, not really - at least, not a bad distraction. If anything, it added a little bit of tension that was kind of exciting. It was not nearly the mind blowing distraction I would have imagined, when dealing so closely, physically intimately with a man, and while experiencing various levels of femdom arousal. It's as if my subconscious knew it was off the table, and that was that.
But still, it's something worth exploring, and my husband and I continue to talk about it. Because we both know that I see kissing in two very distinct ways. One is a an act of intimacy, love, affection and lust. The other is an act of dominance, control, power. One is a shared kiss, the other is a taken kiss. One has emotion behind it, the other has power behind it. The slippery slope is that mid-kiss, who is to say one cannot morph into another? And, how can I know for sure, deep down, the submissive understands the differences, despite how much I explain to him?
Since it's not something driving me with angst, for now, we just leave it off the table. Still, I want to explore every angle of it. And, I find it fascinating, anyway, how something as simple as a kiss can carry so much meaning, power, messaging.
Don't even get me started about hair pulling... :)
Akasha
Believe Me when I say from the heart, had hair pulling never been allowed on the table, I'd have had a lot more trouble with that than the kissing.[;)]
I'm glad I was on the mark. Being as someone who's been through these kinds of negotiations with a primary, I know how entailed the talks can become. It is so much more extensive than negotiating a scene. You have to look at how everything that's done, or might be done, effects everything else. It's really quite the daunting task. In a way, it's really quite good, if you do it right. The ongoing communication can be a great benefit, if everyone is honest with everyone else.
We have what we call the "House Rules." Some of them have stayed the same since the very beginning of My getting back into the lifestyle, and some have changed since our feelings on certain areas have changed, or circumstances have changed. For example, the one about how hubby would accompany Me to any first meets I had with potential play partners was kind of blown out of the water when he was deployed to Korea. We adapted.
Seriously though, please feel free to contact Me off of the boards if you ever want to talk to someone who's been through this phase that you're approaching. We don't always agree on everything, but if there's any help I can provide to you, I'd be more than happy to do so.
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