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RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/19/2008 7:19:35 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

When you are in the early stages of relationship with a sub, say within the first year, and by this time you've probably gotten to know much about the subs quirks and idiosyncrasies we all have. When it comes to the sub's bad habits, are these something which you determine right off the bat to change or wait and see before you take any action? Which leads to the question of, whether you feel a bad habit is "must be changed" or if they are "not an important issue" to deal with?

Many of the typical bad habits would have to be dealt with immediately or the relationship would not progress past the second or third date, for me. Poor manners are a sign of disrespect for self and others and I am easily offended by them. Manners are designed to make everyone comfortable, so letting someone know that you are offended by their lack of manners would also be poor manners. However, it can be done gently and gracefully.

My worst pet peeve is poor eating habits. Talking with food in your mouth, setting a used napkin on the table when others are still sitting at the table, scraping your teeth on the fork or plate, eating before everyone is served, chewing with your mouth open, just to name a few, are things I will not put up with.

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Post #: 21

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/19/2008 9:04:33 PM

Lockit

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I expect perfection... hehe

Actually I expect some bad habits and some I will tolerate and some I won't. If it is gross... or lacking in manners... I don't tolerate it well as by the age of most I would be with, they should know better. If it is a habit that can be changed such as diet or something that hurts them, it depends. Social drinking might be okay unless they are social every day. Anything that could change their attitude or make them dangerous (drugs/alcohol no thank you. Sexual addiction... no thanks... that typically doesn't change without a whole lot of work I am in interested in suffering.

At my age... my tolerance lowers by the day I think. lol I am not into this to parent and if someone around my age needs a parent... well... you get the picture.

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Post #: 22

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/20/2008 7:28:55 AM

ShiftedJewel

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Joined: 12/2/2004
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I have bad habits... I mean, besides smoking (which I consider a nobel effort to keep my family and friends alive). Very rarely do you find hubby's shoes anywhere except on his feet, in the closet or by his nightstand. I, on the other hand, use the excuse that my closet is full. For those of you that don't know... my "closet" is a converted bedroom, we turned it into a walkin closet and I put shelves in the closet (of the "closet") for my shoes. I really don't have any idea how many pairs I have, I'd honestly be afraid to count them. But I have shoes all over the place. Some by my desk in the computer room, a couple of pair under the kitchen table, some under a table in the entryway, I think I have a pair in the livingroom, some sandles in the laundry room for wearing out to the pool or hot tub... Yeah, it's pretty bad. Seriously though.... my closet is full!! The good news is that I'm ernestly looking for someone to keep them picked up after me.... any volunteers? And that's just the one bad habit.

But for others? Sniffing... yeah, I hate sniffing!!! There is a box of tissue in every room of the house... blow your nose for crying out loud!!! So that's one I would break immediately, if for no other reason then it would keep me from killing them.... lol

Jewel

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Post #: 23

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/20/2008 5:20:46 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Add this as another thing Jewel and I seem to have in common. I'm the bad habit person in this regard. I literally have five pairs of shoes that I could literally touch while still remaining seated in this chair. (Under the computer desk.) One of the funnier gifts that clip got Me last Christmas was a shoe organizer. For authenticity, I went to the other room to look at how many pairs of shoes were actually in it. I think I'll leave the actual number out.

As for a sub's minor bad habits, if it's something that's not imposing a problem, I'll leave it alone. When I had pet, I had to work on his nail biting habit because he would do it to the point it was detrimental to him. If he was nervous, he'd bite them off until he got to the skin. The only other I can think of is clip has a thing for chocolate fudge brownies when he's getting worked up about something. It doesn't happen often, so it's a guilty pleasure that I don't fuss with him about.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 24

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/20/2008 6:19:34 PM

ShiftedJewel

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Well, you know? There are just times when I no longer feel like wearing the shoes I have on so having the others near by is a big deal... right? I would love to find another dominant female with feet as small as mine... I would gladly share my shoes... I have soooo many that I can no longer wear because of the neuropathy. Don't get me wrong, I love my spiked heels, but some of them I just can't do anymore!!

And before you ask, my shoes are a large 5 or a small 6, some of them are a regular 6....

I also got to thinking about it. I had a male here that was literally hooked on television. Enough so that he put a cable card in his computer and ran the cable to it so he could watch a small tv screen in the corner of his monitor while he was on the computer... his other addiction. That drove me crazy. I finally had to make it a rule that no one is allowed in the computer room after we go to bed. And yeah, it's right off our bedroom so I would know. For the most part, minor bad habits don't bother me... obsessions bug the hell outta me. But if it were something like nail biting I would do my best to put a stop to it. Not only is it bad for his fingers and nails.... it's hard on his teeth and not so good for his digestive system.

Jewel

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Post #: 25

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/20/2008 6:27:47 PM

MsStarlett

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TheLadyConstance has tiny little size 5 feet. During her 'Goth' phase, she wore the smallest combat boots I've ever seen.

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Post #: 26

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/20/2008 7:21:57 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild
When I said minor bad habits, I was referring to: biting finger nails, waiting to do dishes when there's a significant amount instead of after each meal, not picking up clothes all the time, having a newspaper lying on an end table instead of keeping it neatly placed in a rack or other appropriate spot, or even not changing the toilet paper roll when there's 3-4 sheets left. Things like this which to some are minor bad habits (annoying quirks) and to some they aren't so minor bad habits.

If I had a submissive with nervous habits like shaking his legs or biting fingernails, I would try to get him to pay closer attention so that he at least does not do it in public or in front of me if it's something that irritated me.   Not too many things irritate me though, other than things like blowing nose at the table.   I'm not a major neat freak either, but if too many things are in the wrong places, we'd have to establish a cleaning/picking up routine for him daily or every other day. Sometimes it's simply a matter of instructing him/her to take a couple of seconds and look around him her when he/she leaves a place before walking away.

I believe minor bad habits ought to be dealt with gently, but sooner than later; otherwise it becomes a reason for resentment later.   If someone loves me and all of my idiosyncrasies for 2 years(and this is jurt hypothetical, because I'm perfect), than all of a sudden starts to criticise them, I'd not take it well; I'm not a sub, but would sympathise with someone who didn't take this kind of treatment well if done late.

I would find a stress free, calm, lets sit down and converse time, and address these things that bother me.   I've lived with siblings, and know that some things you have to learn to live with. It's impossible for someone to have the same behavior parameters as yours even when you are from the same parents. Fortunately for me, if I were to have bad habits like dropping things in inappropriate places, the sub would know he should pick it up; I would notice if someone were always fixing something I'd done wrong, and either do it less, or stop it alltogether.   I also have no speech restrictions, so that if my sub wanted to bring up something he may be displeased about, he could always do so.... For myself, it has always been about how he speaks to me.   M

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(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 27

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 5:35:33 AM

ShiftedJewel

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Joined: 12/2/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

TheLadyConstance has tiny little size 5 feet. During her 'Goth' phase, she wore the smallest combat boots I've ever seen.

Believe me, combat boots that small aren't easy to find!! Is she into spiked heels now? lmao

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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Post #: 28

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 6:00:48 AM

lobodomslavery

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Joined: 1/17/2008
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Your clip is in good company. Nail biting is a very common habit , it s something im still struggling with
kevin

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 29

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 6:19:59 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

For clarification. It isn't clip who bites his nails. That was a boy that I had named "pet" years before I had clip.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

Post #: 30

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 6:32:25 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

TheLadyConstance has tiny little size 5 feet. During her 'Goth' phase, she wore the smallest combat boots I've ever seen.

LOL, I am surprised that you saw me during my full Goth phase, it's been a while, but Doc Martens come in every size and a UK 4/5 is a larger size in US.

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Post #: 31

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 6:40:47 AM

JoyfulMistress

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Joined: 10/31/2007
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what a great question Bear thank you so much for askig it .....

To me it all depends on the bad habit and how badly it *irks* or if it is a dangerous one to have... ( say road rage or anger issues MAY be dangerous to harbor and some therapy may be needed for such ) but if it is a messy bedroom .. something as silly as saying * if you wish to have time together you will get your room clean * may work .. I know for me in the last year I broke myself of smoking and drinking soda ... both habits that were bad ones,with one habit I needed medical help with the other well I was simply a crab(er honestly I was more a b*tch)for awhile.. however I saw someone mention nail biting and after twenty years of bitting nails ( thanks to my father for that habitin my youth) and trying all that bitter stuff to no avail I went and had fake nails put on and kept them up for two months ( going in for fills etc) and the habit was broken .. now my nails are one of my favorite toys to play with mine .....
Now speaking of mine.. my pet and I have spoken about this very topic over the past year and he understands when I point out a habit of his it is not coming from a space of malice but that I wish him to be the best that he can be in all aspects ad how is he to know when he is doing the habit unless I bring it to his attention (quietly).I must admit that habit is slowly going to the waste side and it is only when he is super excited that it appears .. where in the begining it was always there during that activity ... so he is changing his habits.
That was the sucess story .. ~Laughs softly~the other side of the coin ... my knight who has been with me for 18 years still to this day nibbles on the skin aroud his nails when nervous and pointing it out to him does not help as he doesn't see it as a bad habit but more a nervious tick so he continues and I continue to quietly tell him things will be okay ..and to stop nibbling on his flesh .. to no avail...however... over the years he has changed many things so the nervous habit is a tiny one in comparision ..
perhaps it is like they say * pick your battles* ... decide if the bad habit is worth the possible battles ... but approach it in a way that is acceptable for you and yours ... an example with a sub coming to a Domme about a bad habit would be my pet who came to me and asked that I not come kiss him just after having a cigarette( I had a serious love affair with smoking not to mention being hookedfor more years than that boy was alive ) well that simple request and done in a way that was acceptable to both of us ....it was taken by me as a limitation and goodness I do not like being limited .. so it was just enough of an irk (done oh so respectfully) that I needed to some help (that chantix med) to kick the habit so I could not be limited on when I wished to kiss.... which I find funny as so many before him had tried to get me to quit(but their approach didn't work with me ).. it took a simple and honest request for me to snap and say this is a habit that needs to be broken ...

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

Post #: 32

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 7:19:39 AM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
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It does depend on the nature of the habit and how irksome it is to Master and Myself. However, rather than just jumping in with correction, I would discuss it with the sub first, and try to work out how, why and when they acquired the habit. Then I would explain why and how I would prefer the behaviour to be modified. I would explain how habits are made and broken, and that it will take a trial of more than 3 weeks with consistent effort on their part to successfully break the habit. If they are willing to try, then I agree to assist by monitoring their efforts.

Master observed that violet has a really bad habit of rocking unconsciously, so much so that she almost head butts people with whom she is conversing! So that was a habit He set about to break. Being entirely unconscious, it proved to be a tricky one to break though it is greatly under control now. i've been delighted that He has chosen to work with me on this, that He has been patient and vigilant in alerting me to the fact that I am doing it. I think behaviour modification can be very helpful!

However, the habits mentioned by the OP wouldn't be ones that would particularly concern Me.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Post #: 33

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 9:37:09 AM

lobodomslavery

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Sorry Lady Pact for my faux pas
kevin

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Post #: 34

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 9:42:43 AM

LadyConstanze

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I think it would depend how seriously a minor bad habit would annoy me...

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Post #: 35

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 11:08:22 AM

lobodomslavery

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Could you put up with nail biting Lady Constanze. Would you be willing to help a sub to sort out his life, to act as a Mentor perhaps, would you be willing to help a sub overcome his fears and anxieties and become more confident. Thats me and a lot of men in a nutshell, we dont have many friends, isolation and loneliness is a constant companion, without this group, i would be very down as i have no friends and am presently alone
kevin

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 36

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 11:33:14 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

Could you put up with nail biting Lady Constanze. Would you be willing to help a sub to sort out his life, to act as a Mentor perhaps, would you be willing to help a sub overcome his fears and anxieties and become more confident. Thats me and a lot of men in a nutshell, we dont have many friends, isolation and loneliness is a constant companion, without this group, i would be very down as i have no friends and am presently alone
kevin

I wold try and help any friend to overcome fears and anxieties but to be honest, some things are better left to health professionals, depending how deep the fears and anxieties are, I would not feel OK to dabble with something that might need the attention of a skilled health care provider.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

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Post #: 37

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 11:51:01 AM

PeonForHer

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Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

Could you put up with nail biting Lady Constanze. Would you be willing to help a sub to sort out his life, to act as a Mentor perhaps, would you be willing to help a sub overcome his fears and anxieties and become more confident. Thats me and a lot of men in a nutshell, we dont have many friends, isolation and loneliness is a constant companion, without this group, i would be very down as i have no friends and am presently alone
kevin

I wold try and help any friend to overcome fears and anxieties but to be honest, some things are better left to health professionals, depending how deep the fears and anxieties are, I would not feel OK to dabble with something that might need the attention of a skilled health care provider.

Indeed. It would no doubt take years of great effort, and the finest professional help available, to cure oneself of being German.

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Post #: 38

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/21/2008 11:52:40 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Indeed. It would no doubt take years of great effort, and the finest professional help available, to cure oneself of being German.

And that is only my passport, how would you treat having an Italian mother and a Swedish father? Genocide is out of the question

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There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
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Post #: 39

RE: Dealing with a sub's minor bad habits - 11/22/2008 9:23:24 PM

E2Sweet

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From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
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Well, commenting specifically on any of my bad habits would mean I'd be admitting to having one or more to begin with.... and we can't have that...

I can only say those that speak of addressing this sort of thing first with good one-on-one communication are right on track as far as I'm concerned. I mean, If I'm doing or saying something that is annoying to someone I admire, believe me I want to know about it sooner rather than later, and I will most likely take the initiative to see that whatever it is changes. All is good and well then as long as the dominant is showing good judgment in determining what habits do fall into the "bad" category...

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Post #: 40

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