RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider if asked?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider if asked?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider if asked?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 1:28:37 AM

MissAnimus

Posts: 91
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline

My cat and I are a package deal, absolutely no compromise. Fortunately, it's not going to be a problem.

I'm surprised how many other people mentioned their animals. But I completely understand.

(in reply to Aszhrae)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 1:32:50 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I've known people who gave up their furbabies....

NOT GONNA HAPPEN with me.....

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to MissAnimus)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 1:52:46 AM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

We have had several live in subs, both make and female, LadyLove collects struggling actors and musicians, so they are often only with us for a few months but often used to come and go. They were all given a room of their own, with a strict rule that they were not to be bothered if they chose to go to it. We took care that they went to our dentist, dressed well, and had walking around money and made sure that they had dignity and were aware that slave or submissive or what, their views were always respected. The girls often slept with us, the guys were just too damned big to do that. The arrangement was that we would play a great deal of the time, but they were to be very plain about whether or not they felt like it.
There were no rules about grovelling or elaborate forms of address, unless it was an arabian nights type game, which we do a lot.
We can't accomodate at the moment for any length of time as we have no spare bedroom right now and our current crop of offspring are too smart to miss anything and have to be away for weekends like the one we are having now.
LadyLove misses being seranaded by guitarists and wooed for hours by gorgeous starving actors with big dreams, we were happy to help them along their way and have exquisite memoriesof them and of the various nurses, dancers, singers, artists and bohemians we have had under our roof and our rod.
Sure they did all the dog walking, grooming, hoovering and dusting and did the errands, but they were well taken care of and if it's with the right people, I would heartily commend it as a lifestyle. We were very happy with live in slaves.
In a few years time we will do it again.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 5:51:20 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tweedydaddy

Sure they did all the dog walking, grooming, hoovering and dusting and did the errands, but they were well taken care of and if it's with the right people, I would heartily commend it as a lifestyle.

I think the 2nd part i underlined is probably where our current little issue with a prospective male sub is coming from. It being the right people or person actually.

Thank you to everybody who has responded.

The reason i started this thread is that we were in contact with a male sub. All the long time posters are well aware of our on going search for a fourth, a male sub for Jewel.

He called her daily, emailed a bit with me, claimed it was the perfect situation, that Jewel was perfect. This was over a period of a few months.

Now to the other part i underlined, being taken care of.

This guy is only an hour from us, owns his own home and has a job he has been on for quite a bit of time.

In this house though, subbies do not work and eventually they must live in. Which meant at some point he would have to do something about his house and his job. Understanding what we are asking during our talks with this sub Jewel and then i discussed this issue repeatedly. By repeatedly i mean almost daily.

He was told, no, DO NOT sell your home, close it up or rent it out for several years, until you are sure being here is what you want. Or rent it permanently if that is what you want.

He can transfer his job to a site not to far from our house, so he was told, yes, absolutely keep your job until you are positive you are here permanently. If he got to the point where he did quit his job, he was told he would be required to put his retirement into stable investments for himself, so he would always have a bit of personal income for his own use.

He spoke of complete surrender, of his longing, his need to be a part of a family, of his desire to serve Jewel.

But when the subject of living here and eventually giving up his job came up he for some reason became an idiot. He wanted to work and give Jewel the money. She does not need money. None of us do to be honest.

What she needs is somebody to be here with her, do projects with her, spend time with her, give her that undying devotion.

We , as noted above, are very open to compromise, not wanting anybody to suddenly give up everything until they are positive they want to be here for good.

What do we offer in exchange? (i am talking about security etc right now, not the rest of the package).

A home, all his needs met, house, utilities, food, personal items, computer, phone, internet, car to use, plus most of his wants within reason, after the first of the year, health insurance that is paid for, along with supplies for hobbies on a regular basis.

In the long term, any permanent sub also acquires, in writing, in a legal will, lifetime rights to reside in this house if anything happened to Scooter or Jewel, until such time as they no longer wanted to or passed on themselves. In addition there will be funds left to maintain the house and any subs current lifestyle as is currently done.

I guess i wanted to both vent my frustration at his apparent inability to either understand or "hear" what we are telling him. Since his constant "i can't give up my house/job ever because how will i take care of myself" argument has seriously become an issue.

And i wanted to see if maybe we are being unreasonable, is it us?

Are there those among the forum readers who think this is a reasonable offer/compromise?
Or would you find what we are asking to be a hard limit ?

Or are the types of security we are willing to provide for a long term (read permanent and been here a few years) insufficient for someone to consider giving up outside employment?

< Message edited by Twicehappy2x -- 11/22/2008 5:55:18 AM >

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 5:57:44 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, Twice----
Only knowing the piece you posted, I think it particularly reasonable to keep the house and job pending being certain of a good fit, as you all suggested. It seems he's trying to show his enthusiasm and, in doing so, is proposing to take extreme steps.
Best wishes to you and yours,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 6:02:54 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

It seems he's trying to show his enthusiasm and, in doing so, is proposing to take extreme steps.

Hmmm...perhaps i wrote my explanation wrong. He is not proposing extreme steps, he blatantly dummies up when ever the subject is discussed.

Every time we discuss his coming for a visit/trial he goes on and on about how bad he wants to and how much it hurts him because he cannot give up his house or job.

It's like he is so hung up or afraid of those things he simply cannot hear the compromises we have suggested on either subject.

He is responding as if he was told, do it now, which he was not.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 6:22:08 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I'm coming to this a bit late, but to catch up...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

So what are your "must haves" ?

This could be a long list, but I'll try to reduce it to some basics.
The most obvious would of course be, I must feel enough of a connection and desire for them to want them here.
Must possess specific personal traits I find highly desirable.
Must be able to function independently.
Must possess some basic skills I find useful... specific skill sets can vary and are drawn from a larger list I have.
Must share some of my hobbies / sports interests... in other words, shared activities for fun outside of BDSM.
Must be able to completely surrender control of their lives to me.
Must not smoke
Must not have any current drug or alcohol addiction / dependency
Must not have any serious health issues, or other health issues that would permanently interfere with my style of life.

quote:

What would you absolutely not consider doing/giving up even if it was otherwise the perfect relationship/situation for you?

Compromise any of my must haves.
Compromise my self.
Compromise my personal standards of living.
Allow someone else to compromise themselves.

quote:

What do you do if the person/prospective partner you are speaking with gets so hung up on the one or two must haves to the point where that is all they discuss?

At first I'd try something to change their focus, get them to take a step back and gain some perspective.
Next I'd talk with them about why this became such an issue for them... what within them motivated that.
If after such examination I felt that either they couldn't let go, or that doing so would compromise something personally important to them... I'd let go and walk away.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 6:34:22 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

And i wanted to see if maybe we are being unreasonable, is it us?

I don't think you are being unreasonalbe... on the contrary, I think the style of life you have established is very well thought out and has involved a great deal of well reasoned thinking. However, it may be more than this individual is capable of.

quote:

Are there those among the forum readers who think this is a reasonable offer/compromise?
Or would you find what we are asking to be a hard limit ?

Well of course I'd find it a hard limit... I'm a dominant. LOL But seriously, as I said, I think it to be a very good offer. However, that doesn't mean the individual is the right person for the "job" so to speak. You can meet someone you like very much and enjoy spending time with... but that's not the same as being able to have a long term relationship with them. What we need in a relationship, what someone else can give or needs, can lead to incompatability even though there is otherwise a great connection. That may be the case here.

quote:

Or are the types of security we are willing to provide for a long term (read permanent and been here a few years) insufficient for someone to consider giving up outside employment?

There are those who have given up more for less... so no I don't find the offer to be insufficient. On the contrary, I think you are offering a good deal more than most. What you offer would a good model for others to follow or at least be inspired by in my not so humble opinion.

quote:

I guess i wanted to both vent my frustration at his apparent inability to either understand or "hear" what we are telling him. Since his constant "i can't give up my house/job ever because how will i take care of myself" argument has seriously become an issue.

I think there is a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed. Find out why he feels that way, what are the fears behind it... and what past experiences have created those fears. If you can get at that and deal with it, you have a chance to resolve this... if not... you may have no choice but to walk away. Or at least accept that the relationship will never progress beyond this point.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 6:41:40 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x
A home, all his needs met,

I would have to disagree that all his needs are going to be met by being a permanent part of your house. It seems what he keeps trying to tell you is that he has a need to have a job. Instead of listening to that, you think he 'became an idiot'.

Often times, when someone continually brings up an issue it is because they do not think they are being heard on that issue. When you first made this thread and I read that last question, that was the first thought that went through my mind. After reading this latest post, I am pretty sure that he doesn't think you (as in your family) are actually listening to him. Considering that you think he is 'dumming up' or being an idiot over the topic, I would say it is pretty clear he feels unheard.

I don't think the issue is about feeling secure financially, etc. It is about having a need to have a job/career. Maybe even he does not know how to articulate the issue, but if he keeps bringing it up then it is clear that giving up his job will cost him a lot and maybe more than what it is being replaced with.

There are people who need a job and not just for financial security. They need to have a job for their own personal well-being. My dad is that way and when he became disabled and could no longer work, he became a ghost of the man that he once was. The disorder ate away at his body and the inability to be able to work ate away at his core. This was almost eight years ago. This past year, he found a volunteer position that he can do when he physically feels up to it and the change in him is extremely apparant. He needs a job; he needs the contact with people outside of the house on a regular basis. He needs it; staying at home and taking care of my mom and the house does not fulfill him.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 7:07:51 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x
And i wanted to see if maybe we are being unreasonable, is it us?

Are there those among the forum readers who think this is a reasonable offer/compromise?
Or would you find what we are asking to be a hard limit ?

Or are the types of security we are willing to provide for a long term (read permanent and been here a few years) insufficient for someone to consider giving up outside employment?

To some people, what you are offering would be like having all their prayers answered. Actually, you guys have had a few of those kinds of people....the kinds of people who are looking for someone to just take care of them and do it all for them. Those kinds of offers are really appealing to those whose lives are in a shambles and they are hoping for a savior. They don't mind giving up their lives and signing on because they don't have a life to give up. But those aren't the kind of people you really want to have in the long run.

The kinds of people that you do want are people who have their shit together. Well, having your shit together means that you have probably worked hard and have some substantial proof for that. A home, a career or job that you have built seniority in. At our age you might even be fairly close to your pension. Now all that makes life a whole bunch harder to consider walking away from it. You are asking people to go from being independent and productive to being dependent and non-productive. Yes, this person would be helping Jewel and working on projects with her....but for someone who is coming from the fast paced reality of a productive career, home remodeling and crafts is a HUGE change. Also, the panic that can be brought on by just the thought of not having an income and having to depend on others for your ....well.....everything, man I gotta tell you that is major!

I believe that the kind of person you are looking for could come to see the value of what you have to offer....but I believe that is something that would happen over time. I believe that it might be overwhelming to think about all of that long term stuff at a very early stage though. It should be something that gets discussed once there has been lots of time to get to know each other and the viability of the compatibility can be assessed first. I know that all of you are a lot more spontaneous and compulsive than I am...but I think that the type of person you are looking for is usually going to be more reserved and cautious when it comes to permanent decisions.

When people start professing their total love, commitment and devotion and are ready to chuck it all and sign on for all of eternity before or shortly after the first meet....to be honest I wouldn't see that as a good sign....I'd see it as a red flag.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 7:07:59 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x
A home, all his needs met,

I would have to disagree that all his needs are going to be met by being a permanent part of your house. It seems what he keeps trying to tell you is that he has a need to have a job. Instead of listening to that, you think he 'became an idiot'.

I don't think the issue is about feeling secure financially, etc. It is about having a need to have a job/career. Maybe even he does not know how to articulate the issue, but if he keeps bringing it up then it is clear that giving up his job will cost him a lot and maybe more than what it is being replaced with.

The "all his needs" in this context referred to his physical needs and his stated need for financial security. As i stated in the above post;

"i am talking about security etc right now, not the rest of the package".

We have listened, hence the compromises.

He has stated quite clearly he does not love his job. It is not about keeping up with friends or family, has has neither, mostly because he works all the time, weekends, holidays, any extra time available. Even if he did, contact with family and friends is strongly encouraged, i speak to mine almost daily, and am free to visit when ever i wish, as he would be as well.

It is not about having something to do because he has been reassured that there is plenty to do here. We are remodeling a 3000+ sq ft house and putting in an addition as well as finishing the basement. He would help with all that.

Jewel has a little business making floggers etc, and in March when Scooter retires from his job we are going to start building one ups (one of a kind custom motorcycles). He could help with/earn a bit of money from both.

It is not about getting out and socializing since he has been reassured constantly that he could get a part time/on call job or volunteer some place if he wanted to.

We have discussed all of the possible reasons he is afraid of even trying this and each and every time it ends up with the statement "i need to be financially secure" and " if this does not work out what would i do to take care of myself".

It has almost become a mantra, hence the "became an idiot" statement. It is kinds like he is stuck there, he cannot or will not discuss this or why or how he feels this way. Or what we can do to resolve it. An every time he brings it up he appears to have forgotten the offered compromises or offers of further discussion.

So, as near as we can tell, either that is the issue, or it is an excuse. Either way, unless he tells us other wise or agrees to discuss the offered compromises we are at a stand still.

< Message edited by Twicehappy2x -- 11/22/2008 7:32:00 AM >

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 7:16:04 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x
And i wanted to see if maybe we are being unreasonable, is it us?

Are there those among the forum readers who think this is a reasonable offer/compromise?
Or would you find what we are asking to be a hard limit ?

Or are the types of security we are willing to provide for a long term (read permanent and been here a few years) insufficient for someone to consider giving up outside employment?

.but for someone who is coming from the fast paced reality of a productive career, home remodeling and crafts is a HUGE change. Also, the panic that can be brought on by just the thought of not having an income and having to depend on others for your ....well.....everything, man I gotta tell you that is major!

I believe that it might be overwhelming to think about all of that long term stuff at a very early stage though. It should be something that gets discussed once there has been lots of time to get to know each other and the viability of the compatibility can be assessed first. I know that all of you are a lot more spontaneous and compulsive than I am...but I think that the type of person you are looking for is usually going to be more reserved and cautious when it comes to permanent decisions.

Grins, you are right. That is why the suggestions about his home/job.

The biggie seems to be right now we cannot get him to even put those two compromises aside long enough to even visit.

It is true, we are very upfront about the long term. Basically we feel like we have to be so we don't hear "but you did not tell us that before". But with this subbie, we really are not asking him to do any of this for at least a year, longer if either party are not sure.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 7:27:28 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

Or are the types of security we are willing to provide for a long term (read permanent and been here a few years) insufficient for someone to consider giving up outside employment?

What you offer would a good model for others to follow or at least be inspired by in my not so humble opinion.

quote:

I guess i wanted to both vent my frustration at his apparent inability to either understand or "hear" what we are telling him. Since his constant "i can't give up my house/job ever because how will i take care of myself" argument has seriously become an issue.

I think there is a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed. Find out why he feels that way, what are the fears behind it... and what past experiences have created those fears. If you can get at that and deal with it, you have a chance to resolve this... if not... you may have no choice but to walk away. Or at least accept that the relationship will never progress beyond this point.

On the first comment, thank you. It has taken a good bit of time to get that part of everything set up and agreed upon.

All of us here are basically looking to add that one person we would marry if the government would let us. So, as we have done in my case, we want to be sure and offer all the benefits such a marriage would bring.

If i die, Scooter and Jewel will inherit income/possessions from me, same as my grown kids and grandkids will. If they die i will inherit similar goods from them.

Currently the health insurance is an issue, i am uninsured but pay my own medical bills, Scooter could but i can so i do. We figured out with him retiring early we had to purchase insurance. We can buy it as a small business for the whole family for less than my RA meds cost a month, so problem solved. We start our policy at the beginning of the year.

Since we realize being a stay at home anything, mom, subbie, housewife, often means you lack financial security we made sure to cover that as well.

On the second comment, i think you are absolutely right on all counts. Either we get to the heart of it or give up and move on. I just wanted additional view points before we decided to go there.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Padriag)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 7:31:02 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x
We have discussed all of the possible reasons he is afraid of even trying this and each and every time it ends up with the statement "i need to be financially secure" and " if this does not work out what would i do to take care of myself".

Either he is just being stubborn and doesn't really want to try but is enjoying the interaction, or the compromises do not answer these issues for him. Maybe instead of continuing to offer the same solutions, ask him what solution he thinks will work (if you haven't already done so).

Most relationships fall apart in the first three to four years. The people entering them want to be together long term, but the issues that come up in that time seperate them rather than bringing them together. Maybe the solution might be more palatible to him if he could keep a job for the first five years of the relationship. I don't know, but it is clear that either the solutions offered don't quell his issues or he is not really interested in the long term.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 7:34:00 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

We have discussed all of the possible reasons he is afraid of even trying this and each and every time it ends up with the statement "i need to be financially secure" and " if this does not work out what would i do to take care of myself".

So, as near as we can tell, either that is the issue, or it is an excuse. Either way, unless he tells us other wise or agrees to discuss the offered compromises we are at a stand still.

What I am hearing in this is that the job is his safety net in case things don't work out. From what you have said I gather he is not a very social person, few friends, few personal connections, bit of a loner. Ask him about past relationships, how many has he had, what kind... how many friends has he had in his lifetime, how did they work out.

My guess is this guy has little faith any long term relationship will work out. He wants to keep his job because he expects this relationship to end. He's never going to fully commit until you deal with that. Ironically, he may be seeking this type of relationship because he wants to be able to, and doesn't know how.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 8:24:55 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

There is also the issue of the current economy. Expecting to maintain financial security without have a steady income for most people is unrealistic. His reluctance to leave his job without having some reasonable knowledge that the relationship will work out is understandable. I am not talking about moving in and after a couple months or a year still wanting to stay in the relationship. I am referring to getting past the 3 - 4 year mark that usually sees the end of most relationships.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Padriag)

Profile

Post #: 56

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 8:46:06 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

So, as near as we can tell, either that is the issue, or it is an excuse. Either way, unless he tells us other wise or agrees to discuss the offered compromises we are at a stand still.

All offers and compromises are pointless if there is not a basis of trust that such offers and compromises can be lived up too. Until now... it appears everything has just been talk... Talk alone doesn't build trust!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 57

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 9:02:40 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

What you guys want is a family- in the most real full sense of what family should be. Most people don't understand that. Fewer are right for it.

That doesn't make you unreasonable, simply picky :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 58

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 9:15:31 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I feel that is a valid concern, cause no matter how much your family prommises and how good it sounds, in 6 or 7 months or maybe even a year or two later* since sometimes it takes a while for true colors to show* you could change your mind and become pycho's Or maybe he won't want the deal any more and now it's 2 years down the road and he has to start over again. Once you get rid of your house, you have to start all over and it's very very hard to break into the market again sometimes. I know for a fact if my Dad were to try to buy a house like wbe have now, a 3 bedroom , a den and one and a half acer plot he sure in the hell couldn't afford to. Course he's 69 and retired, but still.

Now sure you have to be willing to take some risks and you guys did compromise, but If I was in his position* working hard your whole life for something then walking away eventually* I'd worry too.

Perhaps maybe set up a bank account for him and let him do odd jobs for money or when he helps out with the business end of things let him put his own money aside in the bank in his name withno way of his bdsm family touching it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

We have discussed all of the possible reasons he is afraid of even trying this and each and every time it ends up with the statement "i need to be financially secure" and " if this does not work out what would i do to take care of myself".

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 59

RE: 24/7 living arrangements? What would you consider i... - 11/22/2008 9:36:14 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

On the first comment, thank you. It has taken a good bit of time to get that part of everything set up and agreed upon.

Something I don't think everyone appreciates. It takes a lot of effort to create the kind of "benefits" you are offering.

quote:

Currently the health insurance is an issue, i am uninsured but pay my own medical bills, Scooter could but i can so i do. We figured out with him retiring early we had to purchase insurance. We can buy it as a small business for the whole family for less than my RA meds cost a month, so problem solved. We start our policy at the beginning of the year.

Funny how that works out, I recently discovered the same thing. It would be cheaper for me to incorporate my household than to try and carry individual insurance... and they seem to ask fewer questions as well. I'm currently pondering what other benefits incorporating could offer to the kind of household I wish to create.

quote:

Since we realize being a stay at home anything, mom, subbie, housewife, often means you lack financial security we made sure to cover that as well.

Which is why I wonder at his continuing fears. If I understand this correctly, there is already some sort of relationship, you aren't asking him to sell anything or quit anything immediately (just the opposite actually), there's a transition period as part of this deal before any "big" decisions are made. That's all very reasonable in my opinion, so there is something we don't know at work here... something in his past he hasn't opened up about.

quote:

On the second comment, i think you are absolutely right on all counts. Either we get to the heart of it or give up and move on. I just wanted additional view points before we decided to go there.

Wish you luck with it.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Profile

Post #: 60