D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (Full Version)

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WhiplashSmile2 -> D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 1:28:50 AM)

I'd like to know what other people think or feel about this type of situation.

A growing and developing D/s relationship.  Where the submissive asks for permission to write to people and make friends in the lifestyle.  The Dom partner grants her permission.

She makes a casual friend who she has a lot culturally in common with.  The Dominant is aware of her new casual friendship.  However, it with somebody where there's been some mild history of friction between her new found friend and her Dom.  Also there are things on her friends profile, that her DOM partner reads and finds a little questionable, where he's seeing potential red flags.  However, her Dominant partner attempts to set aside judgements and the fact that there been a little previous friction.  The Dom raised his concerns and issues he was having with his submissive partner over her friend, then chills out and leaves it up to her, to continue her friendship or not with this person.

Now, out of the blue her causual friend who is also a male Dominant, and is aware of the relationship.  Goes out of his way to intentionally provoke and disrespect her Dominant partner. 

The reaction of events being where the DOM partner, forbids her anymore contact with this casual friend.

I'm actually curious as to what the popular opinion is upon such a matter.  How many Doms would tolerate their submissive partner having a causual male Dominant friend that intentionally goes out of his way to provoke and disrespect you.  Even more so when you have not done anything to warrent such a mindless attack.  In fact, this behavior was part of the previous history between these two DOMs.  The first time it happened was without provocation as well.  Call it somebody making a mountain out of mole over over something stupid, something that most normal people don't have an issue about.  One more note to add, this same causual Dominant friend has intentionally gone out of his way to provoke and attack other people without provocation as well.  Seems to be a bit of a patterned behavior. (Another Red Flag for his lack of respect towards other people)

How many DOMs would insist upon having their submissive partner not have anymore contact with this causual friend.  Write this causual Dominant friend a frank and to the point email.  No swearing or name calling involved.

Just for the Hell of it, how many Doms would tolerate one of their causual friends intentionally provoking and disrespecting your submissive partner.   Hell, how many people would not have an issue with this, if it was vanilla relationship even.  LOL..  Let's go for broke at looking at this from all different angles.



GreedyTop -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 1:36:07 AM)

Personally, I'd go physically smack the shit outta the so-called DOM friend.

He's poaching.

he's a fucktard

eta: ok, I'm a bit buzzed.. but still......



tweedydaddy -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 2:01:24 AM)

I don't do jealousy. if a subbie wants to play elsewhere that's their business and good luck to them. I only share with LadyLove. If another Dom was rude to either of us, and he would only do so, very, very briefly, if the sub did not do something about it on the spot, then I would offer the rogue Dom/Domme a free and frank exchange of views and the card of a first rate dentist. They would need one.



Usako -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 2:07:44 AM)

I don't see how this is a d/s issue. If someone was intentionally disrespecting my friend, lover, family member or in this case dom, I wouldn't stand for it. I don't think it has to do with d/s and more just common respect. If you replace "submissive" with husband/wife and replace "dom" with husband/wife then the situation would be the same. If you love, or at least respect, your partner you don't want to be casual friends with someone who would disrespect them. I don't really think someone should be told to not deal with someone who is disrespectful, it should just come natrual.



myotherself -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 2:19:12 AM)

~fr~

a long-term close friend criticising my Dom would make me review my relationship.  A new casual friend with a ropy past relationship with my Dom criticising him would cease to be a friend immediately.

I would expect my Dom to insist the relationship ended, but to be honest he wouldn't have to ask.  It would be over.



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 2:20:17 AM)

quote:

Now, out of the blue her causual friend who is also a male Dominant, and is aware of the relationship.  Goes out of his way to intentionally provoke and disrespect her Dominant partner.
First things first...  Are all people involved adults?   Could I be friends with someone who would do fucktard like things such as this?   I hope not, and if I found out I am friends with someone this immature and needy of drama, I'd end that friendship as subtly and quickly as possible.   
Is the sub enjoying this drama though?   Many a girl likes it when two men beat their chests and beat each other down over her, so is she excited to be fomenting this drama, and enjoying all the attention?   M



WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 2:22:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tweedydaddy
I don't do jealousy. if a subbie wants to play elsewhere that's their business and good luck to them. I only share with LadyLove. If another Dom was rude to either of us, and he would only do so, very, very briefly, if the sub did not do something about it on the spot, then I would offer the rogue Dom/Domme a free and frank exchange of views and the card of a first rate dentist. They would need one.

Jealousy is not a major issue involved.  Both parties in the D/s relationship are mono.  If anything jealously issues are minor and two sided at best.  However, not to the extent that jealousy itself is a serious issue.  The submissive already has a few male Dominant friends.  The Dominant of the D/s relationship has a couple of female submissive friends.  Both sub and Dom alike have had little slight jealously issues now and again, nothing major and only natural.



MmeGigs -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 5:40:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2
How many Doms would tolerate their submissive partner having a causual male Dominant friend that intentionally goes out of his way to provoke and disrespect you. 


I doubt I'd ever know about it.  My sub/hubby is a lot less tolerant of people being disrespectful toward me than I am.  I just ran this by him, and he got pretty scowl-y.  "It'd be a damned short conversation," he says.  I'd be the same way if a friend was disrespectful of him.  Pondering this some, I don't think that either of us would put up with someone who talked crap, whether the person they were disrespecting was a loved-one or a stranger.



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 5:42:02 AM)

I will not be friends with anyone who disrespects the man I love or our relationship.  End of story.



DavanKael -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 5:45:06 AM)

I was with a guy to whom I behaved in submission and a person who understod he and I were linked, said numerousdisrespectful things to me about the person I was with and did several disrespectful things toward him.  He and Idiscussed the man's disrespectful behavior and I had a conersation, in no uncertain terms, that any further disrespect of the man I was with would earn him the inability to speak with me further.  He calmed down. 
  Davan



pinkwind -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:28:25 AM)

Personally i would have more of an issue with a casual friend going out of his way to intentionally provoke and disrespect my Dominant partner than Andy would.

Hypothetically, not only he attempting to disrespect my Dominant, but he is trying to use me to do his dirty work for him, which is grossly disrespectful of me too.

Andy has a thick skin, and a good grip on reality so i doubt he would be phased by such shenanigans, but that isn't the point here as far as i am concerned. i would not wish to carry on a friendship with anyone who used me in such a fashion, who could not put past animosity behind them and act respectfully towards a new friend.

It would be me who would chose to kick the friend into the bin, for good.




kallisto -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:34:14 AM)

I agree with the above, that it's not necessarily at D/s issue.  But for the sake of the post ... I would have ended the "friendship"  before it began.   First time my Dom said there had been friction between the two of them, that would have been the end of the "friendship" for me.   My relationship with my Dom is much more important than a casual "friendship". 



Padriag -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:46:50 AM)

Okay, so we have...
Dom A... the original dominant having a relationship with Sub A
Sub A... who has a relationship with Dom A and now has a friendship with Dom B
Domb B... who has become friends with Sub A and is provoking Dom A

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

I will not be friends with anyone who disrespects the man I love or our relationship.  End of story.


I think what Naughty wrote is particularly key to this situation.

Dom A needs to consider his relationship with Sub A.  Is Sub A testing boundaries to see how Dom A will react to Domb B... or is she just stirring up drama because she's a bitch... or maybe she's just naive or dumb?  Does Sub A really care about Dom A as much as Dom A cares about Sub A, if she did, why would she remain friends with Dom B who is disrespecting someone she cares about?

Sub A needs to make up her mind what is important in her life... and focus on that.  In other words, she needs to make a choice between Dom A and Dom B.

Dom B has apparently seen an opportunity and is taking advantage of it.  If Dom B wants to pursue Sub A, I have no particular problem with that, but he ought to be honest about it.  In fact, I'd suggest Dom B talk honestly to Dom A about what's been going on.



SimplyMichael -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:54:18 AM)

I would want to know why the fuck the submissive was still friends with the jerk far more than wondering whether to tell her to not have contact with him. 



natasha66 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:06:42 AM)

Altogether too damn much drama for 10:06 on a Saturday morning....



persephonee -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:11:09 AM)

Dom B is poaching...it happens and, not to knock the wind out of any Dominants sails, but its up to the submissive to cut Dom B out of her life. If she feels that she isnt sure how to go about doing that effectively, she should ask her Dom his advice on what to say or how, but it needs to come from her...and in a clear, no nonsense way...that is, if her relationship with Dom A is what she wants.

i dont tolerate anyone trying to come between me and anyone i care about in my life. i created my circle of friends and family of choice and it is my responsibility to protect that circle from anyone seeking to break that up. Not very subby of me, i know.

eyes lowered, but glaring
perse

edit to add...fast reply.



kyraofMists -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:21:03 AM)

It doesn't matter who the friend is (not that it sounds like the person would meet my criteria of friendship) or who they are friends with in this house, being provocative and disrespectful of the other members of the house would be unacceptable.  At the least, their contact with any of us would be limited.  At the most, they would have no contact with any of us. If they were permitted limited contact then they would not be able to become any closer to any us because of their behavior.

In our house we have not had this particular scenario happen.  More often, there are submissives who want his attention, but try to provoke or be disrespectful to Alandra or me.  Depending on his interest in them, he may continue his interaction with them, but also keep them at a distance.  They will only get so close and the possibility of ever being more to our family is extremely remote without some significant change in their behavior.  Mostly, he no longer has an interest in them at all.

Sometimes the disrespectful behavior is a product of not thinking or not understanding what our relationship is like.  The three of us are one and disrespecting one of us, show disrespect to us all.  As he has said many times, hurting one of his girls is just like hurting him.  Once the person knows how our family works, then if the behavior continues, they are either deliberately being disrespectful or they have a level of self-absorption that is incompatible with our family. 

The character of the individual is pretty important to all three of us and if someone's character is such that they are going to be disrespectful to the other members of our family, then they are not someone he will allow to be around us for very long and yes, he will and has determined what people we will or will not remain in contact with.

Knight's Kyra 



Padriag -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:23:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Dom B is poaching...it happens and, not to knock the wind out of any Dominants sails, but its up to the submissive to cut Dom B out of her life. If she feels that she isnt sure how to go about doing that effectively, she should ask her Dom his advice on what to say or how, but it needs to come from her...and in a clear, no nonsense way...that is, if her relationship with Dom A is what she wants.

i dont tolerate anyone trying to come between me and anyone i care about in my life. i created my circle of friends and family of choice and it is my responsibility to protect that circle from anyone seeking to break that up. Not very subby of me, i know.

Amen!

Dominants ought to read this and mark it down.  All the bluster, posturing and threats on the part of one dominant vs another is just so much bullshit... what are you going to actually do... challenge the guy to a duel?  Short of physically taking action, the rest really is just a lot of hot air.  The odds are in the real world that you can do very little to force the other guy to back down.

Perse hit it dead on... its the submissive who ultimately ends this.  Either because she's pissed at someone disrespecting her dominant, or because she's obeying her dominants instructions to end it... either way, the submissive has to make a choice.  This really does come down to her choosing Dom A or Dom B... there isn't much middle ground here.

By continuing to associate with Dom B... the submissive is making a choice... and its not for Dom A.  Dom A needs to wake up to that reality and consider his response.



NorthernGent -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:24:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

The Dom raised his concerns and issues he was having with his submissive partner over her friend, then chills out and leaves it up to her, to continue her friendship or not with this person.

The reaction of events being where the DOM partner, forbids her anymore contact with this casual friend.

How many Doms would tolerate their submissive partner having a causual male Dominant friend that intentionally goes out of his way to provoke and disrespect you. 

How many DOMs would insist upon having their submissive partner not have anymore contact with this causual friend. 



I think the first course of action was reasonable - 'here are my thoughts on your association'.

I'm not convinced on the second course of action - banning said association doesn't look good.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate it; nor would I force her to back me. It's her choice to choose her friends, and my choice to show her the door in the event her priorities are upside and down.



Lashra -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:28:29 AM)

Sounds like he is looking to snare your sub for his own. I'd tell him(the Dom) good luck in looking elsewhere and I'd tell my sub it was time to find a new friend.

~Lashra



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