quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

My brain is half dead, but I will try to make myself clear here.  I think that often times there is an underlying emotional issue or fear that has been touched upon and since it is typically fear based and may include more than one area or topic, they are allowing fear to protect them in a sense.  Because they feel fear, they are seeing things as a red flag in a sense and are on alarm.  They justify the fear rather than addressing the fear and use fear as a protective measure.  Once they are afraid they cannot see anything but that fear.  When this happens, it is a sign to me that all is not well even if in every other area they seemed fine.  When one has a deep fear, whether that be fear of commitment or some kink or of being hurt and it rules them, they won't see anything but the object of their fear and since you touched on it... it is your fault, you are the one to be feared and they can see no other thing, especailly that they have a need for some healing.

Then they will often twist the situation or your words as they are not thinking with reason and everything is fear based.  They can become defensive or even more fearful because by now, they are surely projecting in the negative.  They can't talk about it with you or even be honest because it is something they haven't dealt with in the past and can't deal with it now.  They can justify their fear and from that point in my opinion there is no reasoning with them.

The relationship wouldn't work no matter what you did because they are in control and their fear that they allow rather than face is the thing in control.  They can no longer see you or even a situation and instead see what is in their head based from fear.  I hope I am making sense... god... gotta love my morning brain!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

LOL... I think a person can be dominant without all the kink.  You either are or you aren't.  Whether you bend people over and stick things where the sun doesn't shine or you are sadistic or not or whatever, doesn't make you a dominant or not.  Dominant to me is a personality or way about you in whatever you do or do not do.  It isn't the action that makes you dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

My brain is half dead, but I will try to make myself clear here.  I think that often times there is an underlying emotional issue or fear that has been touched upon and since it is typically fear based and may include more than one area or topic, they are allowing fear to protect them in a sense.  Because they feel fear, they are seeing things as a red flag in a sense and are on alarm.  They justify the fear rather than addressing the fear and use fear as a protective measure.  Once they are afraid they cannot see anything but that fear.  When this happens, it is a sign to me that all is not well even if in every other area they seemed fine.  When one has a deep fear, whether that be fear of commitment or some kink or of being hurt and it rules them, they won't see anything but the object of their fear and since you touched on it... it is your fault, you are the one to be feared and they can see no other thing, especailly that they have a need for some healing.

Then they will often twist the situation or your words as they are not thinking with reason and everything is fear based.  They can become defensive or even more fearful because by now, they are surely projecting in the negative.  They can't talk about it with you or even be honest because it is something they haven't dealt with in the past and can't deal with it now.  They can justify their fear and from that point in my opinion there is no reasoning with them.

The relationship wouldn't work no matter what you did because they are in control and their fear that they allow rather than face is the thing in control.  They can no longer see you or even a situation and instead see what is in their head based from fear.  I hope I am making sense... god... gotta love my morning brain!

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
See, normally I would absolutely agree with you. But this one went so far as to write to twice with the "OMG, she's upset with me... what do I do?" thing. She replied, told him about the single issue that really isn't an issue at all. He never replied to her after that. Then when I finally broke down and wrote to him... his reply was all about that issue.... grrr. No, it had nothing to do with kink. He was concerned about not working. About giving up his house and all that. I told him NOT to consider selling his house (that was his idea in the first place), I told him not to even consider selling so much as a book. He could come here, transfer his job and rent out his house until such a time that he was confident enough to do anything else. In the mean time I told him that any and all income from him would be his and his alone. We don't need the money. So I get this reply... but I don't want to quit working.
I don't normally use emots... but                        
Jewel

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ORIGINAL: BitchGoddessD

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet


As sad a situation that it creates, and despite the disappointment which follows,

consuming liver and onions shall always be delegated to the forbidden zone.

Brussel sprouts, negotiable.

chia* (the pet)

The only thing liver is good for is fishing for catfish... and that's only after you've set it out in the sun to get really smelly.
 
Jewel

But I love liver and onions.  And fois gras is to die for. 

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ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
LP, I know it can be about anything. I've had them loose their mind because my husband is a dominant as well and they just keep saying, "I'm not bi, I can't do that!!" Even when I tell them it isn't an issue because my husband is straight as an arrow and not a drop of curiousity. They just keep saying, nope, I can't do that... I'm not bi. The ability to hear or read seems to be the first one to go.

Jewel

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ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
See, normally I would absolutely agree with you. But this one went so far as to write to twice with the "OMG, she's upset with me... what do I do?" thing. She replied, told him about the single issue that really isn't an issue at all. He never replied to her after that. Then when I finally broke down and wrote to him... his reply was all about that issue.... grrr. No, it had nothing to do with kink. He was concerned about not working. About giving up his house and all that. I told him NOT to consider selling his house (that was his idea in the first place), I told him not to even consider selling so much as a book. He could come here, transfer his job and rent out his house until such a time that he was confident enough to do anything else. In the mean time I told him that any and all income from him would be his and his alone. We don't need the money. So I get this reply... but I don't want to quit working.
I don't normally use emots... but                        
Jewel

Hi, Jewel----
I read and, I think, offered a comment on Twice's thread earlier. 
Let me see if I understand: 
This s-type has been under consideration for quite some time now and one of the house rules is that ultimately, s-types don't work. 
He's freaking about the idea of not working even though you have conveyed to him that you don't want him to stop working or to sell his house until y'all are sure everything is going to work out for everyone.  Seems reasonable. 
The statement is "...but I don't want to quit working." 
Okay, assuming that that is a straight-up statement and he's expressing  a truism that exists for him right now, what does working mean to him?  What does not working mean to him? 
To some, their work is a huge part of their identity, for others it connotes safety/security, perhaps it is a means of feeling like he is being most holistically himself, I don't know him but you guys do, so what do you think is the self-talk/fear that is underlying this?  Have you queried him about this and, if so, what does he say? 
Wishing you and yours well, 
Davan