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Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 7:08:12 AM

sultryone

Posts: 46
Joined: 10/9/2008
Status: offline

In every vanilla relationship this is what I've done, what I'm used too, the way I have lived.

I just made a major mistake in a potential new D/s relationship because I was doing this, and I want to fix it, to learn how not to do this, and to fix what I have done. I know this is part of the process of learning how to be submissive, and for me I think will be most difficult. It's the way I was taught, the way I have learned and I want to be broken of it.

If anyone has any advice or can share experience please do.

Thank you,
sultry

I am sorry J

Post #: 1

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 7:14:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I'm not a natural submissive. Matter of fact, I'm quite alpha. If I'm with someone that can't/won't make decisions and get things done, I tend to take over. Bottom line is that I'm more dominant than most of the guys I've met that label themselves as Dominants. When I actually get to someone that is stronger than I am, I find myself submitting.

So, it's possible that your subconscious is telling you that something isn't right for you. It's possible, that this person just isn't the guy that will inspire your submission.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to sultryone)

Post #: 2

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 7:34:16 AM

undercover00756

Posts: 19
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

I'd agree with OsideGirl. I will submit to a strong woman, but many women aren't really dominant, they are just bossy! And i find they won't make decisions or make them based on trying to prove dominance, not a decision based on the situation. It takes a strong person to dominate me, but when it happens there is nothing like it! You probably just need to find the right guy.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 7:37:04 AM

undercover00756

Posts: 19
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

Are the 3 of us really dominants just wanting to be submissives? Finding a woman who is more dominant than me is proving to be very difficult!!!

(in reply to undercover00756)

Post #: 4

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 7:41:14 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I enjoy topping others, but don't enjoy being the Dominant.

I did find someone that fills what I need. We've been together for almost 9 years and married for almost 8 years.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to undercover00756)

Post #: 5

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 7:44:30 AM

undercover00756

Posts: 19
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

Pretty good description of how i am, too.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 6

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 8:06:36 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Tell HIM about your transgressions, your difficulties, and ask HIM to help you with your issues. After all, HE is he one allowing you to top from the bottom.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to sultryone)

Post #: 7

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 8:08:39 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

this slave doesn't do the "submission by inspiration" thing. not that there is anything wrong with those that do, it just hasn't been her experience. perhaps the other responders are right and you just haven't been inspired enough...yet. it could very well be that submission, for you, is only found when you find yourself in the presence of someone more dominant than you...however, if that isn't the case and "topping from the bottom" is merely a bad habit you have learned...how does one stop any habit they don't want to continue? there is more than one way---some ways work for some and don't for others, depending on the individual.

learn behavior modification techniques and employ them.
join a 12 step program...or follow along with the tenets of it as if you were.
take a pill to change your "feelings".
quit...cold turkey.

if you actually enjoy topping...that's another matter altogether, and something that a potential dominant partner might allow you to do within the context of a relationship...but it doesn't sound like it is something that is bringing you pleasure.

best of luck to you.

(in reply to sultryone)

Post #: 8

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 8:09:41 AM

undercover00756

Posts: 19
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline

I always think i want to be broken of this habit but then i fall into the topping role when she exercises bad judgement or is just a bully. i figure when the right Domme comes along with good judgement and the power it takes to dominate me, i will be broken naturally.

(in reply to undercover00756)

Post #: 9

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 8:49:07 AM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

This Lifestly is still very new to me after 2 years. It hough has opened a locked door within me that needed to be open. Sir use to tell me in the beginning that I tend to top from the bottom, which confused me, because I didn't get it. So by entering this lifestyle called for me to do some major changing of my behavior patterns. Boy did i screw up a lot in the beginning.

What helped me was an old saying that was given to me when I was young, think before you act/talk. Another habit that I needed to refreshen, which came as a shock to me was to actually listen, without thinking of how to answer, what to say etc, while Sir was talking. This shocked me because I always prided myself in being a good listerner. Sir knocked me off of my own pedistal fast regarding that. Another habit that I needed to learn was not to treat Sir as a client. I deal with a lot of people who have problems that seek solutions from me. This is good for work, but not here. If Sir requests fine, if not then I need to just listen.

My desire to uncover my submissiveness was stronger then to continue as I was use too. Perhaps this has been the biggest helping factor. I do control the issues in my life that need to be, and let Sir control the areas he wishes to control.

blessings
oceanwynds

oceanwynds

(in reply to undercover00756)

Post #: 10

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 11:52:34 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Topping from th bottom is not something i do often. When i do top from the bottom or attempt to Master is very quick to nip it in the bud. All he has to do is tell me i am attempting to because i usually don't realize i am doing it. Sounds like you two are not a good match.

Matt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 11/24/2008 11:53:02 AM >

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 11

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 12:45:42 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Topping from the bottom in itself is NOT bad. It is the circumstances around the act that can make it unwanted or just part of the dynamic.

For instance, sometimes a Dominant enjoys sensation just as much as a submissive. The Dominant might wish to be flogged or to have a violet wand used on himself or herself. If the submissive obeys the Dominant and gives the Dominant the asked for sensations...in essence the Dominant is Topping from the bottom. In this case Topping from the bottom is perfectly acceptable and in fact, part of many D/s relationships. Let's face it...why should the submissive receive all the fun and good stuff and never the Dominant?

If you wish to stop Topping from the bottom, perhaps you need to discuss this tendency with your Dominant. That way the Dominant is on the lookout for you doing it and by recognizing your motives, can quickly put a stop to it. The Dominant might simply say "You are attempting to Top from the bottom again" and you will know that your behavior is inappropriate. Of course, at this point you must accept that you are trying to do this and stop without being upset or without crying to get your way....you must trust that Dominant you have carefully chosen to lead you.

Edited to correct spelling mistakes

< Message edited by peppermint -- 11/24/2008 12:48:31 PM >

(in reply to sultryone)

Post #: 12

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 12:49:34 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

I think that topping from the bottom is wholly different from getting accustomed to submitting and trusting that you can.
This is only my experience but I "wore the pants" in my marriage (Together 17 years, married almost 15) because my husband was totally apathetic (And he trusted me to do everything) and I will take charge when things need to get done. After we separated, I met someone with whom I had a natural synergy and never once, across nearly a year, topped from the bottom. I never challenged his Dominance in any way until he broke dynamics between us. I would have been comfortable with unlimited submission to him had there been safety from the whims of his partner and/or had he asserted his charge over what was supposed to be his.
Maybe you're not a good fit but I wouldn't jump to that assumption. Maybe you're testing him,maybe you just need to break a negative habit. If you committo it, you can do it.
Best wishes,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 13

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 1:52:40 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

i don't know, i am very dominant myself, and topping from the bottom came so easy for a long time in O/our relationship. One night we had the conversation... i have been a successful girl, i am smart, i move to the top of my jobs quickly, i have enough energy to out run most people, and i talk a lot!

i was humbled really, put in the simplist of terms, it's the way that i learned that whatever i had to say whatever i had to do was not more importent. Ideas that i came up with, would be noted and if wanted to be tried would be. Other then that i was to just enjoy the moments that we had. So i guess my advice is open communication, but not during play! Put down some ground rules and go over them with your Mistress or Master, or write the rules you have down just so that they get stuck in your head.

Another way for me was stories, i would write my fantasies down, i would not demand or beg that He read them. These stories were to preserve myself from changing the way he interacted with me during play time, when i was doing chores, or when we were out, i used them as an escape. After about a month where i was finally to good status i also have a day where i can do my own thing i love that day, the rules still apply but i have no chores, and it's my day off from the world. maybe that is something that might help too. These are all just ideas! It matters what works for you!

Another thing is that since it's a new relationship it's very possible that you're still getting to know eachother, or you maybe have a young or new master? All of these things should be taken into consideration when you're discovering ways to change yourself.

(in reply to sultryone)

Post #: 14

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 2:28:41 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

As counter intuitive as it seems, many submissives are control freaks and in a power vacuum or in a chaotic situation, they exert control as a way of creating security for themselves. At the same time, a submissive, as opposed to a dominant, secretly wants to let go of that control. For some that is easier than others but it also requires that SOMEONE pick up the ball and provide direction/leadership/security. And that is where D/s relationships can run aground. If the submissive and dominant do not see or at least clearly communicate what that direction/leadership/security look like to each other and the dominant is busy creating an environment that doesn't meet the needs of the submissive (or get her buy into his vision of it) then the submissive is not going to feel safe and is going to seek out control.

That said, to me, there really is no such thing as topping from the bottom on some level. If you allow her to run things, you aren't the dominant. If you feel she is winning (ie topping in THIS context) then you don't see her as a partner. If you are worried more about who is running things than whether the two of you are happy, your focus is wrong. If you are so myopic/self centered to think that if a submissive gets something she wants that she is topping, you need to go back to GO and start over.

Lastly, if the person truly wants to submit then they do need to learn to let go of control but, as I stated above, sometimes it is simply a matter of finding a partner who just doesn't make you wet but also makes you feel safe and sadly, those two do not always come together.

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 15

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 2:40:56 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

As counter intuitive as it seems, many submissives are control freaks and in a power vacuum or in a chaotic situation, they exert control as a way of creating security for themselves. At the same time, a submissive, as opposed to a dominant, secretly wants to let go of that control. For some that is easier than others but it also requires that SOMEONE pick up the ball and provide direction/leadership/security. And that is where D/s relationships can run aground. If the submissive and dominant do not see or at least clearly communicate what that direction/leadership/security look like to each other and the dominant is busy creating an environment that doesn't meet the needs of the submissive (or get her buy into his vision of it) then the submissive is not going to feel safe and is going to seek out control.

That said, to me, there really is no such thing as topping from the bottom on some level. If you allow her to run things, you aren't the dominant. If you feel she is winning (ie topping in THIS context) then you don't see her as a partner. If you are worried more about who is running things than whether the two of you are happy, your focus is wrong. If you are so myopic/self centered to think that if a submissive gets something she wants that she is topping, you need to go back to GO and start over.

Lastly, if the person truly wants to submit then they do need to learn to let go of control but, as I stated above, sometimes it is simply a matter of finding a partner who just doesn't make you wet but also makes you feel safe and sadly, those two do not always come together.

Michael----
You covered so much in a relatively small amount of words given the complexity of the concepts. Beautifully said; I think you hit the nail on the head.
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 11/24/2008 2:42:24 PM >

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 16

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 2:42:38 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

In vanilla relationships I wasn't on the bottom to try to top from.....but if you mean trying to control and manipulate, then yes, I've done that and I still do it in friendships and with the children etc.

With M , the desire to simply disappeared over time as it became redundant. I didn't need to be 'broken of it'. I couldn't control him. I've never been told off for it, nor has it been anything that's bothered him and it's not even been pointed out.

agirl

(in reply to sultryone)

Post #: 17

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 2:43:06 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Michael----
You covered so much in a relatively small amount of words given the complexity of the concepts. Beautifully saidl; I think you hit the nail on the head.
Davan

I prefer to think of it as driving a thick spike into a tight hole for the perfect fit but regardless, thanks for the compliment.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 18

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 2:46:33 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Michael----
You covered so much in a relatively small amount of words given the complexity of the concepts. Beautifully saidl; I think you hit the nail on the head.
Davan

I prefer to think of it as driving a thick spike into a tight hole for the perfect fit but regardless, thanks for the compliment.

In that case: exquisite driving of a thick spike into a tight hole, thus creating an ever-so-perfect fit, Michael. :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 19

RE: Topping from the bottom - 11/24/2008 3:07:23 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone

In every vanilla relationship this is what I've done, what I'm used too, the way I have lived.

I just made a major mistake in a potential new D/s relationship because I was doing this, and I want to fix it, to learn how not to do this, and to fix what I have done. I know this is part of the process of learning how to be submissive, and for me I think will be most difficult. It's the way I was taught, the way I have learned and I want to be broken of it.

If anyone has any advice or can share experience please do.

Thank you,
sultry

I am sorry J

Without going into too many details, I spent some time recently that may strike a chord with you. I was seeing a woman with a similar attitude that amounted to a coping mechanism - a front that she found extremely rewarding in every day life. This front had led to rewards in terms work, friends etc, and she struggled to shrug this off in her relationships with a partner, though she believed herself to be 'submissive to the right man'. Like you, she couldn't understand why she felt the need to 'control' past partners etc.

The two most noticeable aspects of our time together were as follows:

a) She needed someone to stand firm at all times - regardless of whatever scheme she was cooking up.

b) She needed a period of hitting brick walls; a period where everything she tried was batted back to her; a period, to all intents and purposes, to burn herself out.

The reason: she was scared of bearing her soul and finding that the recipient wasn't equipped to handle her - in other words, scared that she was going to get no return on opening the floodgates. She put walls up that the SAS would struggle to get over!

The relationship didn't work out due to an altogether different reason, but she will most certainly get there.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to sultryone)

Post #: 20

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