quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone

Sorry to sidetrack the conversation here, but since this has happened he wont talk to me about it.  He won't answer my calls, txts, msgs here on CM, or anything.  This is a brand new relationship (two weeks) and I dont know if this is part of the whole game or what is going on really.  At first I was ok that he needed time, but now I'm feeling upset about it and I told him, and still, no response.

Is this the way it's supossed to go?  Am I topping if I want to talk about this?

Thank you,
sultry

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi
my example was not to discurrage talking during play at all, i was simply saying doing it on a constant bases can be considered annoying and in D/s topping from the bottom... not really that you can't say i want to be flogged or ooh fuck me harder! not like that at all... i mean telling them how to do -everything- (not one thing not two things but all things!) during play i think that is a bit annoying.  if they are hitting you and you say hit me harder... thats not annoying hell that is kinda sexy! but to sit there and say 'I want to you to fuck me this way no not that way this way no not that way look... like this... there you go no wait now stop i want to be flogged and they stop doing you just to flog you then youre like now i want you to do this... and this.. and then this.. no not like that like this!' and you do that during the entire time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Snipped

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


a) She needed someone to stand firm at all times - regardless of whatever scheme she was cooking up.

b) She needed a period of hitting brick walls; a period where everything she tried was batted back to her; a period, to all intents and purposes, to burn herself out.

The reason: she was scared of bearing her soul and finding that the recipient wasn't equipped to handle her - in other words, scared that she was going to get no return on opening the floodgates. She put walls up that the SAS would struggle to get over!

The parts I underlined in NG's posts applied to me, although I didn't have particularly impressive walls for M to get over, I had a natural way of handling life and people around me that was not required with him.

He created an environment in which I could relinquish it, over time. He didn't expect me to trust him until it had been established that I could and he also didn't expect to me abandon the tools that keep me safe, overnight.

As I mentioned before, topping from the bottom was never mentioned. He was in control and simply showed me by his behaviour ..'' It's ok, you don't need to do that here and nor will you be able to''

agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone

Sorry to sidetrack the conversation here, but since this has happened he wont talk to me about it.  He won't answer my calls, txts, msgs here on CM, or anything.  This is a brand new relationship (two weeks) and I dont know if this is part of the whole game or what is going on really.  At first I was ok that he needed time, but now I'm feeling upset about it and I told him, and still, no response.

Is this the way it's supossed to go?  Am I topping if I want to talk about this?

Thank you,
sultry

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone

Sorry to sidetrack the conversation here, but since this has happened he wont talk to me about it.  He won't answer my calls, txts, msgs here on CM, or anything.  This is a brand new relationship (two weeks) and I dont know if this is part of the whole game or what is going on really.  At first I was ok that he needed time, but now I'm feeling upset about it and I told him, and still, no response.

Is this the way it's supossed to go?  Am I topping if I want to talk about this?

Thank you,
sultry

Telling him you're upset in order to garner a response isn't going to do you any favours. At least it wouldn't work with me. That is not going cap in hand to him; that is trying to manipulate him through an appeal to his sympathetic side.

What exactly have you done to piss him off?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone

I made him upset because I compared him with another Dom. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
As counter intuitive as it seems, many submissives are control freaks and in a power vacuum or in a chaotic situation, they exert control as a way of creating security for themselves.  At the same time, a submissive, as opposed to a dominant, secretly wants to let go of that control.  For some that is easier than others but it also requires that SOMEONE pick up the ball and provide direction/leadership/security.  And that is where D/s relationships can run aground.  If the submissive and dominant do not see or at least clearly communicate what that direction/leadership/security look like to each other and the dominant is busy creating an environment that doesn't meet the needs of the submissive (or get her buy into his vision of it) then the submissive is not going to feel safe and is going to seek out control. 

That said, to me, there really is no such thing as topping from the bottom on some level.  If you allow her to run things, you aren't the dominant.  If you feel she is winning (ie topping in THIS context) then you don't see her as a partner.  If you are worried more about who is running things than whether the two of you are happy, your focus is wrong.  If you are so myopic/self centered to think that if a submissive gets something she wants that she is topping, you need to go back to GO and start over.

Lastly, if the person truly wants to submit then they do need to learn to let go of control but, as I stated above, sometimes it is simply a matter of finding a partner who just doesn't make you wet but also makes you feel safe and sadly, those two do not always come together.

quote:

I'm not a natural submissive. Matter of fact, I'm quite alpha. If I'm with someone that can't/won't make decisions and get things done, I tend to take over. Bottom line is that I'm more dominant than most of the guys I've met that label themselves as Dominants. When I actually get to someone that is stronger than I am, I find myself submitting.

quote:

As counter intuitive as it seems, many submissives are control freaks and in a power vacuum or in a chaotic situation, they exert control as a way of creating security for themselves. At the same time, a submissive, as opposed to a dominant, secretly wants to let go of that control. For some that is easier than others but it also requires that SOMEONE pick up the ball and provide direction/leadership/security. And that is where D/s relationships can run aground. If the submissive and dominant do not see or at least clearly communicate what that direction/leadership/security look like to each other and the dominant is busy creating an environment that doesn't meet the needs of the submissive (or get her buy into his vision of it) then the submissive is not going to feel safe and is going to seek out control.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


The two most noticeable aspects of our time together were as follows:

a) She needed someone to stand firm at all times - regardless of whatever scheme she was cooking up.

b) She needed a period of hitting brick walls; a period where everything she tried was batted back to her; a period, to all intents and purposes, to burn herself out.

The reason: she was scared of bearing her soul and finding that the recipient wasn't equipped to handle her - in other words, scared that she was going to get no return on opening the floodgates.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelessfool

So Sexi let me get this straight, my arms are tied to tight and they are starting you go numb, According to you i should wait untill hes done whenver that is and tell him he tied it to tight? because according to your words im topping from the bottom to tell him to loosen them my hands are going numb. Or the gag is to tight or im in pain from him streaching my legs to far up. Or im otherwise in pain and not enjoying myself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone

I have poured out my soul before only to be dismissed, and then, to top it off, not given explanation as to why.  So I am very wary of that.  I do think I need to hit some brick walls still, and I look forward to hitting them to find the outcome and what comes next.